Wednesday, March 19, 2014

I asked the EXACT same questions, Louis.

Did I ever tell y'all how much I love Buzzfeed? Because I so do. I could spend hours upon hours just scrolling and reading through it. I mean, it has a very informative section that keeps you in the loop about all of the important things going on all across our country, and the world for that matter. But let's face it- the best part? It is beyond funny. It has quizzes and random articles that you can just get lost in and laugh for hours upon hours. My favorite writer on the staff?

That would easily be- Louis Peitzman. Hands down, no questions asked. He has written some of my favorite pieces from that website. (He's also a senior editor for Buzzfeed). There's a little bit of everything in his writing, but I love his lists. I know, I am weird, I don't need anybody else to tell me that. I got it. Plus I always get suggestions (i.e. movies to watch, music to look up, food to try, etc) from him all of the time. Some of my favorites of his are- The 19 best horror films of 2013, 58 romantic comedies you need to see before you die, How James van der Beek became a character actor trapped in a leading man's body, 27 moments to remember from the season finale of The Following, The 29 hottest tv hookups of 2013, The 12 silliest lines from Titanic, among other ones. That's just a few.

But my absolute favorite of his? Well, it just so happens to be- 82 unanswered questions from the Twilight Saga. I know that not everybody gets on Buzzfeed like I do (I know that I should be more social, but I don't wanna), but I thought that I would share what Louis had to ask about the 'saga', and also to share my opinions on his questions. Just because I can and it's fun. People have been talking about it lately, since all those other movie series are coming out, so I guess I have Twilight on the brain. I'm not taking credit for his work, I just thought that I would share it and talk about it. Why? Because I asked the EXACT SAME questions, Louis. Don't get me wrong, I still love the movies, wow, I can't believe that I just admitted that, but the questions are legit. Also, I say legit now.

Twilight: #1: Who let Jacob leave the house with that hair? I have no idea, but they need to hold his ass down and brush it or shave it. Something. #2: Why is everyone so attracted to the Cullens when their defining characteristic seems to be the stankface? I think that the stankface is appealing to some people. just like how people from the Jersey Shore are appealing to some. It doesn't make any sense, but that's just how it goes. #3: Are Bella's friends always this boring, or are they just being extra dull to provide contrast with the exciting vampires? I think they are honestly just that boring. #4: Why don't the evil vampires make stankfaces? Because they do what they want, and besides did you see the blonde guy? If I was that hot with eternal life I would be smiling too. #5: Are vampires actually great drivers, or are they just dicks on the road? Just dicks. #6: In this day and age, do we still need an internet research montage? No we don't, but it's good for dramatic effect. At least I'm hoping that was their logic behind it. #7: Why does Edward call his sparkly skin- "the skin of a killer" when it is clearly the skin of a unicorn? Because he wants to sound macho, instead of admitting that he has in fact been using his girlfriend Victoria's Secret body glitter. #8: When Edward calls Bella- "his own personal brand of heroin", is that supposed to be a compliment? It worked for Courtney Love. Oh wait, never mind that was actual heroin. So, I don't really know. #9: How are the lion and the lamb supposed to consummate their relationship? Very carefully. #10: Is "spider monkey" really a term of endearment?  I guess it's better than- shitbrick, but not as good as- love bug. #11: Why isn't Bella more freaked out when she learns that Edward had been watching her sleep? I don't know, because that is some pretty creepy shit. #12: Where did the old-timey baseball uniforms come from? I'm assuming that when you've been alive for that long you tend to have a collection with a bit of everything. So probably there. If not, definitely Urban Outfitters. #13: Does Bella really regret NOTHING when she's about to die? Like, what about walking into a fatal trap? Or the fact that she fell for a 107 year old dead dude in a matter of 4 seconds? #14: How do vampire heads pop off so easily? Are they all that fragile? Practice with barbies? #15: Why is a teenager so eager to spend eternity with her first serious boyfriend? Because she knows that this is literally the peak of her life. I mean, she's kind of boring and whiny. 

New Moon: #16: Why did Jacob take the time to get buff if he wasn't also going to fix his hair? Because he's too busy writing shitty poetry and drinking lattes. #17: Has a paper cut ever caused this much trouble? Doesn't it sound so much more dramatic if instead of paper cut you used the term- "I have a traumatic laceration on my inner left digit?" #18: If the Cullens can just not go to school when they don't feel like it, why do they bother to go to school at all? The same reason stoners do. Force of habit. #19: Does Bella eat, or shower or move during her depression montage? I hope she at least showered. Eww. #20: What is the movie- "love spelled backwards is love" about? I don't know, but I'm assuming that it has Kate Hudson or Katherine Heigl in it. #21: Could Bella not come up with a better response to Laurent saying he was going to kill her than- "please don't?" Have you not watched both movies up until now? No, that's as good as you get with her. #22: Does Jacob have an infinite supply of shirts to ruin when he turns into a wolf? Maybe he should just buy a bigger size. #23: Are we supposed to just accept that Emily's werewolf boyfriend Sam mauled her face because he was pissed off? How is this even remotely ok? No. But in all fairness he mauled the face of "his soulmate" so do you wanna confront him? #24: How can this many giant wolves not take out a single vampire? Because gingers are crafty little devils. #25: Why does Jacob stop himself from kissing Bella just because the phone rings? Those are two unrelated actions. Maybe he realized that she hadn't showered during her depression montage and got caught downwind. #26: Shouldn't Edward verify that Bella is dead before killing himself? He should, but he also should have picked a more exciting girl to have as "heroin". Not the best decision maker. #27: With that cackle, did Aro really have any options besides villainy? Professional comedy club attender? #28: Will Edward's shiny skin really out him as a vampire or just someone that wears a lot of body glitter? Like I said. Victoria's Secret. Am I the only one that finds his pale skin and "v'"sexy as hell? Yes? Alrighty then. #29: Why does Bella offer to sacrifice herself to save Edward when she knows that he'll just commit suicide if she dies? Not the brightest crayon in the box. #30: If in the end Bella and Edward are back together and promise never to leave each other again, what was the point of this movie? To make a lot of money off of teenagers and their parents. P.s. It worked. Like a lot. #31: But seriously, when was the last time that Jacob wore a shirt? One that fit? #32: Why the hell does a century-old vampire propose to a teenage girl? Because he's obviously been doing drugs for a long time. You can't tell me that he didn't attend Woodstock. 
Eclipse: #33: Why does Bella still care about school when she's going to become a vampire as soon as she graduates? The same reason the Cullens do. There is no real reason. #34: Is Edward as bored by Bella's lame friends as I am? Yes. Yes, he is. #35: When did Victoria become a different actress? Opie Taylor's kid!! #36: What is "imprinting" and couldn't werewolves have picked a less gross word? Canoodling? #37: Would Jacob be less grumpy if he knew that Bella and Edward weren't having sex? Probably not. Because whether they're doing it or not, he still ain't getting laid. #38: Shouldn't Jacob apologize for kissing Bella against her will? And for hurting her hand with his face? Men have a lot of boundary issues in these movies. #39: Is Bella even listening to Jessica's graduation speech about how dumb it is to decide what you want for the rest of your life at 18? Would you listen to her? She's boring, so when she does manage to say something of substance, no one is actually paying attention. #40: Wouldn't the practice fight scene have been better if they were all naked? Yes. #41: How is Jacob so sure that Bella is into him? Were her repeated and straightforward rejections not enough? Can we say- sociopath? #42: Why is Edward so grossly obsessed with Bella's purity? They should've listened to him. #43: How is a ring any consolation for not getting laid? It's not. EVER. #44: Isn't body warmth reason enough to choose the werewolf over the vampire. No. He could decide to get that awful hair back. I for one, choose hypothermia. #45: Why does Bella suddenly decide to kiss Jacob? And how is Edward totally cool with it? Because she's indecisive and he's thinking- finally! She's doing something interesting. Or at all. #46: What was the point of giving Bree a back story if the Volturi were just going to kill her? There wasn't one. #47: Does Jacob honestly believe/think that dating him would be as easy as breathing? He's a WEREWOLF. Narcissistic sociopath?

Breaking Dawn (Part 1): #48: Why does Jacob even bother to put a shirt on if he's just going to angrily pull it off? Because sociopaths usually have some form of routine or at the very least a touch of OCD. #49: Is Edward's secret dark past really just that he used to kill very bad people? Because honestly who cares. Maybe if we got to see more of the stalker dude it would have been more interesting. Like Interview with the Vampire. #50: Could Bella and Edward maybe kiss less intensely in front of their family and friends? They could, but then what would be the point of the slow motion angle? #51: Why has everyone taken it upon themselves to worry about Bella's virginity? Once again, boundary issues in these films. #52: Is it supposed to be horrifying or romantic when Edward breaks the bed during sex? I think both. More so horrifying than romantic, but it is kind of hot. Except the fact that Bella's there. Eww. #53: Did no one consider the unsettling domestic abuse connotations when Bella is covered in bruises after her first night with Edward? not to condone domestic violence, but you would bruise her too. #54: How is Edward still turning down Bella when she's practically begging for sex? Would you wanna have sex with her again? #55: What is this weird pro-life message about the fetus being a baby doing in the middle of my vampire movie? It always gets snuck in there, dude. #56: Why is Bella so insistent on going through with the pregnancy even after Carlisle reveals that it's slowly killing her? Because she finally gets to do something partially interesting. #57: Does drinking blood through a straw really make it more palatable? I would think not. But hey, what do I know? #58: How is Charlie not demanding to see his daughter while she suffers from a mysterious illness? Would you want to catch that possibly contagious shit? #59: If Edward is telepathically communicating with the fetus, couldn't he just ask it nicely to stop killing his wife? He could, but then the movie would have been like 45 minutes shorter. #60: How is everyone pretending that Renesmee isn't the worst name ever conceived? It really is. Next will be a boy named- Charlisle. #61: Why does Edward have to perform the C-section with his teeth? Isn't that incredibly unhygienic? Very unhygienic, weren't there surgical instruments all around? His dad is a doctor that has to stitch folks up all the time. HELLO. #62: On a scale of 1 to 10, how dead is Bella exactly? I think about a 7. For now. #63: Why does Edward bite all over his beloved's corpse? s&m? #64: Seriously, though, how is imprinting different from falling in love, because I'm pretty sure Jacob just fell in love with that baby? Yeah, I don't care what they call it. He is totally making googly/wolfy eyes at that baby.

Breaking Dawn (Part 2): #65: Does being a vampire give you the power to zoom and enhance? Couldn't she have just got an updated Kodak or a Nikon? #66: Is Jacob totally over Bella now that he's crushing on her baby? Yep. And he's definitely still wanting to hit on that baby. #67: Why is Renesmee such a CGI abomination? Should've put more thought into that one. #68: How does Jacob outing himself as a werewolf to Charlie solve anything? It doesn't, but it gets him three of his favorite things: Taking his shirt off, Making people incredibly uncomfortable and Getting to keep that baby around so he can hit on it some more. #69: Why doesn't Charlie run screaming when he sees this? Like father, like daughter. #70: Can Renesmee fly? I think just jump and pause. #71: How am I supposed to keep track of all these new vampires? There are EIGHTEEN. The American guy that oddly enough sounds like he has a British/Irish accent for being from New England in the 1700s and the Egyptian Carrie with puppy dog eyes, are hot! #72: Why did it take five movies to get to Lee Pace? Right?!! Like I said- Hot! #73: Can any other vampires shoot lightning from their fingertips? Are vampires basically X-Men now? No, I think some just stand around trying to be all broody. They all have hair, so no. #74: Is there anything more frightening than Aro attempting to express joy? Having to actually meet him in real life? #75: Is Carlisle really dead? No. #76: Is Jasper really dead? No. #77: Is Jane really dead? No. #78: Is Aro really dead? No. #79: If no one actually died, what was the point of that BIG CLIMACTIC BATTLE THAT NEVER EVEN HAPPENED? To make us scream and then be all- WTF! #80: Will Jacob bother waiting till Renesmee's 18 if she's going to be fully grown at 7? Hello! he was talking about Bella's virginity all along and fell in love with a baby! Obviously he has issues and ain't waiting any longer than what he has to. #81: Do we really need a flashback to the wedding already? No. But what are you gonna do? #82: Whose awful idea was it to conclude the movie with this? I don't know, but I did like how they showed the whole cast from every movie. That was pretty cool. The quote however, not so much.