Tuesday, September 15, 2015

What does your Unicorn say about you?!

(Mine says that I should just stay single forever).

B. Davis (no that's not her real name, and she calls me Chris Keller- yes, like on OTH, move on) and I were talking about unicorns the other day. And no that's not a typo. I legit mean- unicorns. Now, before you get to thinking that I'm all crazy and need to be locked up for evaluation (like you don't already think that), let me explain a bit.

We weren't talking about unicorns in the mystical, mysterious, white horse with a giant horn, running through fields, farting glitter and whatever it is that they do kind of unicorns. No, we're talking about unicorns of the opposite (or same depending on your preference) sex. You know, in layman terms- "the one that got away". Or something like that.

I don't know if everybody has one, but I do know at least 92% have to have one, right?! Because no matter how good we are in life and no matter how much we love or give, sometimes the heart just wants what the heart wants. And sometimes that heart just doesn't want you. It sucks, but it's true.

B. Davis ran into her unicorn about four years ago and managed to have the most epic fling of her lifetime (thus far). She thought that boy was all that and a bag of potato chips and she wanted a snack!! They were immediately into each other and started off very hot and heavy, but with all good things that start out with "woo hoo" came the awful end and heartbreak of her. That was four years ago and I remember her talking about him repeatedly (we worked long hours together) and then he met some chick, got married, had a baby, found out the baby wasn't his, got divorced and is stationed somewhere in North (or South?) Carolina. I think he's remarried again too. The man works quick.

(P.s. The guy that she's "seeing" now just might surpass her unicorn. Stay tuned).

Personally, I don't know if I have a unicorn or not. (Ok, that's a lie, I totally do, I just don't want to admit it). While we were talking about it, I started thinking back on my past relationships or "relationships". And yes, there is a difference. When it comes to my "type" of guy my taste is all of over the damn place. Seriously, it's a cluster f*ck up in there.

  • I had a crush on my brothers friend growing up. He was pretty and he lived with us on/off for many years. We were good friends. Of course he was two years older than me and had a girlfriend. And you know what I had? A bad haircut. That's what I had. 
  • My very first boyfriend had an afro and laughed like a Gremlin. I was convinced that he was the epitome of fifteen year old cool, because- hello he played the guitar, rode a skateboard and thought everything was a government conspiracy. Some of him might have rubbed off on me in that aspect. Oh well, at least he had decent taste in music. 
  • There was my second teenage boyfriend that was..... well, what is the word that I'm looking for? Weird. Ok, yeah, we'll go with weird. He ate nothing but school pizza and hot sauce the majority of the time and stole my eyeliner. Also, when we broke up he hid inside my closet and thought I wouldn't notice. He was peeing in a Pepsi bottle and living on canned meat. Inside my closet. I NOTICED. Then again, he was also probably the best actual boyfriend, because he was also sweet and caring.
  • There was that one childhood friend of mine and once we got older (around fourteenish?) we kind of thought we should be together.... and then I moved.... and then I moved back two years later and for a few months it was like nothing had changed.... and then everything changed. Life being a bitch.... amiright?! 
  • I let a boy that I had grown up with talk me into thinking that running around with him was a good idea. I mean, what's the worst that can happen, right? Yeah, I'm not even gonna go there. All you need to know is- that guy is a douche and his ex-girlfriends, soon to be ex-wife and girl that's currently pregnant with his baby will all second that opinion.
  • There was the guy that was? is? my friend even now and while he would like to tell you that he corrupted me.... I was kind of totally in on it the whole time. His mom really wanted us together and we really just wanted to have a good time and hang out (and drink copious amounts of alcohol). But yeah if they ask, he corrupted me. *winkwink*
  • There was a guy that I was into not long after that guy. He was good looking, funny, we had a blast, and shared a lot of the same taste in music. We're still friends, but.... no. The catch? He was twenty-eight..... and I was eighteen. Apparently when you're twenty-eight you can come with a crapton of baggage- like divorce, kids and mental stability issues. (His words, not mine.). Good to know. 
  • Then I let my boss talk me into dating her son. We lived together and I should've known that it wouldn't work out between us just from the fact that he was a Dallas Cowboys fan. That one was probably the second worse out of them all. He made me feel horrible about myself and had some serious issues. I mean, I know I have my own issues, but his takes the cake. The boy drank beer and popped pills like he was in a Hunter S. Thompson novel or something. And not in a good way.
  • The last one. Oh, the last one. He definitely takes the trophy when it comes to worst boyfriend ever. He could probably be in the running for biggest dilhole of all time. Seriously, right up there with Kanye West. All you need to know about him is that I moved 250 miles away just so I wouldn't ever have to see him again. Ok, that's not the reason I moved, but it's definitely an added bonus!! Also, I'm pretty sure he has a crush on his sister. Bluck!

And before you start freaking out and counting them up, no I didn't sleep with all those guys. So, you can rest easy.

You see what I mean when it comes to unicorns though? I know if I ever actually said mine out loud that it would be the "childhood friend" (if he ever reads this, he'll love that..... ass); I'm 100% sure that he is my unicorn, but I try to avoid that, because once I say it out loud, then that shit's real and since we can never be together...... Ugh, how much of a chick do I sound like right about now? Don't ever tell him I said any of this, I'll never live it down. By the way, he is the only one that I still talk to. Yes, we're still friends. I'm still friends with the one guy that I had actual feelings for, of which I was never actually "in a relationship" with. I think I may have gotten this shit backwards.

But B. Davis totally has her shit together. She knows exactly what she wants, when she wants it and with whom she's going to have it. She never has doubts or questions her decisions. She just gives into her feelings and is a complete optimist at all things involving life and love.


Yeah, I'm just messing with you. She's a total pessimist and has questionable taste in guys too. She over-analyzes everything and there are times that our conversations last for days about one subject, because she can't just let something go. It's hilarious and part of her charm. Together it's probably a good thing that other people don't read our text messages, because if I'm being perfectly honest, we're both assholes.

But we've talked about this whole unicorn debacle and she's got a handle on this about as much as I do. Great. It's like the clueless leading the insane.