Friday, March 17, 2017

An Open Letter: To that boy.

I don't think anyone wants to write a letter like this. I'm not even sure that I want to write this letter, let alone publish it. And I very well might not.... ever. The only reason that I'm writing it in the first place is because you're stuck in my head, like you've always been so good at doing, and the only thing that I can think to do is to write it down to try and think about something else.

I'm not sure why you're in my mind right at the moment, but I'm sure that it has something to do with the fact that we've been talking.... not romantically talking (that ship sailed long ago), but just talking like us. You see, before there was ever any "tension" or "romance" between the two of us (teenage hormones, amiright?!), we were and still are.... friends.

And I love that about you. I love the fact that no matter how much time passes, or where either of us are in life, we always know that we can fall back on the other as a source of comfort. You said it best yourself: "all jokes aside, you have always been my favorite and forever will be, babe! we have had a lot of good times, and a few bad times, but have always stuck it out.... forever."

You've been in my life for so long that I don't even remember what it was like without you. You've been one of my very best friends since we were a couple of kids on the playground. You are the very definition of "sandbox love" to me. I believe that there are certain people that come in and out of your life, and no matter the circumstance or situation, those people stay with you wherever you go.

You are still one of the first people that I want to tell when big things are happening in my life, and the majority of my very favorite memories include you. You are most definitely the only person on the planet that can call me "babe" without me getting angry about it. You were never "some boy" you were yourself and to me, in a completely separate category from all the rest of them. They most certainly do not make them like you anymore.

We used to always say that there was a country music song for every area of our lives. We used to pick the songs and sing them at the top of our lungs and hilariously enough, they still remind me of you. Most people have a song that reminds them of someone, but I have a million. While it started out with this one, it progressed into this one, took a comical turn to this one.... simmered here, got increasingly dramatic here, always made you hold my hand at this stop, took another dramatic stop here, and lingered somewhere around here. And while we would like to say we ended up here, it would be more accurate to say there.

But no matter what, I always think about you here, here, (here, here), here and especially here, among so very many more.

There are many reasons that we didn't end up together. And while I won't go into it, and however much I hate to admit it, that's the way that it happened. All of those plans and theories that we had of all the places we would go and all of the things that we would see together aren't there anymore. The grand plan of "ending up together" and doing life together just kind of fell by the wayside and we became adults long before we should have.

Contrary to popular belief, I don't "blame" you for any of it. Obviously there were things that could have been different, but the chips fell where they did and we went from there. We both could have handled it a million times better and differently, but your rattled head and my stubborn pride got in our way.

Thinking about it all of these years later it makes me shake my head and chuckle. Because while I didn't get it then, I couldn't imagine how we could've handled it any differently than what we did. We handled it the exact way that we handle everything else.... stubbornly.

I could spend a lifetime reflecting on memories, and probably forever will.

To that end, I would just like to thank you. Yes, thank you. Thank you for giving me your coat all of those times that I was freezing; for letting me lay my head on your shoulder to sleep when I finally gave in; for pushing that kid in the dirt that pushed me into the dirt first and then going to the principals office with me when all three of us got into trouble (because I tripped the same kid when he tried to push you); for always knowing exactly when I needed to smile and making sure you did whatever it was that you had to do to accomplish that; for never admitting how horrible my hair was or mentioning when I got chubby; for teaching me how to drive in your truck.... and not being angry when I drove it into a pond.... twice; for being protective, but never trying to take my independence; for believing in fairytales even when I didn't and convincing me that they're still real; for always falling for my fake cry face and for teaching me how to throw a left hook; for all of the things that make you the boy that makes me smile with every thought and laugh with every memory. Thank you for being you, loving me, and being "that" boy.

For you being you, for me being me, and for us being us. Here's looking at you, kid.