2018 films. (Part I).

I started a tradition back at the end of 2016 suggesting all of my favorite films that I would recommend that I had viewed throughout the year. This evolved into three consecutive lists in 2017, detailing the movies that I viewed (spanning four months at a time), which ones were my favorites, and the ones I would steer clear of again.

I figured I would keep that tradition going, because believe it or not I actually enjoy doing it. And I think that we can all agree that we don't do enough of the things that we do like versus the things we have to do that we don't necessarily like. Make sense? No? Just follow along, you'll catch up.

Speaking of catching up: Catch up: from 2016.

Catch up from 2017: Part I, Part II, Part III.

January's films: 47 Meters Down, The Disappointments Room.

My favorite: While I only watched two "new" movies in January, it was still an easy decision and that decision is.... 47 Meters Down. That movie is literally my very worst nightmare/every single panic attack crammed into 85 terrifying (for me) minutes. Least favorite of the month: Hands down.... The Disappointments Room. I could have only watched this movie and it still wouldn't have been my favorite from the choices. I don't know if I was just expecting too much from this? (I was). But it was disappointing for me.

January's re-watched from years gone by: The Heat, Red Dawn (2012), Odd Thomas, Conan the Barbarian (2011), Shrek, Terminator: Genisys.

February's films: Tyler Perry's Boo2! A Madea Halloween, IT(2017), The Open House, The Ritual, Before I Wake, Flatliners(2017), To The Bone, When We First Met, The Collection, Guardians of the Galaxy: Volume 2, A Lonely Place To Die, Bushwick, The Factory.

My favorite: It is definitely hard to pick a favorite for this month, because I watched so many great ones! If I had to choose one though, I would have to go with.... The Collection (holy shit, that's hard to choose!). Least favorite of the month: This one was very easy, because every movie I watched was fantastic except one.... The Open House. I thought it was going to be great (the previews and cast had great promise), but it was awful!

February's re-watched from years gone by: You know, I never really thought about it, but I didn't watch one "repeat" movie this month. Only new ones!

March's films: Tucker & Dale vs. Evil, Hush, The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 2, I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry, Erased, The Conjuring, Game Over Man, Fantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them.

My favorite: Even though I watched quite a few good ones, I'm gonna go with.... Tucker and Dale vs. Evil. Mostly, because it cracked me up so much that I watched it twice. Although, Hush is a very close second, because that one definitely got me! Least favorite of the month: This one would have to be.... Erased. While I love Aaron Eckhart and it wasn't a "bad" movie, I just prefer him in the role of "President Asher" instead of "Operative."

March's re-watched from years gone by: The Descent, Bad Boys, The Fault In Our Stars, The Hills Have Eyes 2, Lara Croft: Tomb Raider, Snakes on a Plane, Gangs of New York, San Andreas.

April's films: Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle, Clinical, Bonnie and Clyde (2013), El Camino Christmas, Nacho Libre, True Memoirs of an International Assassin, Wonder, Vincent n Roxxy, The Iceman, Jigsaw, The Cobbler, The Week Of, The Last Witch Hunter.

My favorite: Almost every single movie I watched in April was great. Seriously, it's really hard to pick a favorite for this month, but I guess if I had to choose, I'd go with.... Wonder. Dude, that was way harder to pick than I realized. If you ask me, I'd say watch them all!! Least favorite of the month: Probably.... Nacho Libre. It was kind of funny, but it's nowhere near my favorite Jack Black movie. It was probably my least favorite of the month? And definitely the only one I had doubts about. Well, that one and Jigsaw. The rest I LOVED.

April's re-watched from years gone by: 50 First Dates, The Do Over, Armageddon, Fried Green Tomatoes.

Documentaries watched: none.... because I'm a loser like that.

Tv series I've finished: Grace and Frankie (S4), Hawaii Five-O (S1-7), Burn Notice (S1-7), Breaking Bad (S2, S3), Santa Clarita Diet (S2- twice).

Tv series still on my queue: New Girl, The Walking Dead (I'll never get to finish this shit), Shameless, That 70s Show, Dexter, Bates Motel, Supernatural, Friends, Slasher, American Horror Story, The Vampire Diaries, Penny Dreadful, The Mist, The Killing, Longmire, The Punisher, The Originals, Hart of Dixie, The Blacklist, Taken, Peaky Blinders, Alexa & Katie, Spartacus, The Frankenstein Chronicles, Dark, Haven, Mad Men, Lost Girl, Bitten, Breaking Bad (I may never get to finish this shit either), Frontier, Ash vs. Evil Dead, Young & Hungry, Baby Daddy (I'm still putting off watching the last three episodes of the series, because I'm sad they cancelled it).

Side note: We totally watched Wrestlemania 34 on Sunday, April 8, and I forgot how much I actually loved watching that kind of stuff with Momma and my brother. It was a good one! Except for the Triple H/Stephanie McMahon/Kurt Angle/Ronda Rousey match.... that one was just 157% dumb and you could tell it had all been fixed to make Rousey seem like she was the shit (she's not). No one believes for a second that she's so amazing having never wrestled before (because I don't care what anyone says, UFC, MMA, and Wrestling are all completely different) that she could take down a couple of seasoned veterans that have done this for years. I reckon they just spent too much money on her (I've heard different things ranging from a $8 mil- $12 mil contract, but I'm not sure exactly what it is) to not have her winning.

Stand-up watched: Dave Chappelle: Equanimity & The Bird Revelation, Ralphie May: Imperfectly Yours, I'm Brent Morin, Ralphie May: Unruly, Kevin Hart: What Now?, Ricky Gervais: Humanity, The StandUps (only the Brent Morin episode).

Short hair don't care.... if only it was that easy to just go with it. *hrmph*

Obviously, a woman can look attractive with short hair, but can she "feel" it? And not for anyone else, but for herself?!

Hi, my name is Katie and I'm.... very dramatic when it comes to my hair.
Hi Katie, welcome to the never ending cycle of hormonal decision making just because you're a woman.

I've been talking about cutting my hair alot in the last few months (I plan on donating to Wigs 4 Kids- if you also want to donate, find information about it here). Actually, I've been talking about how much I "wished" I "looked decent" with short hair for two or so years, but that's neither here nor there.

I have no idea as to why I'm so indecisive when it comes to my hair, especially since I don't even "fix" it (I haven't "styled" my hair since last November and the hairstylist did that.... I haven't done anything except wash, brush, and pull it up ever since and I couldn't tell you how long it had been since I "styled" it before then), but I'm assuming it comes from the fact that I've always had a love/hate relationship with it. Not too mention, I've been through quite a few "hair woes" in my lifetime. The good, the bad, and the ugly isn't just a Clint Eastwood movie.

Also, I have Level 6 (I don't know what that is, but it sounds important and/or terrible!) Trauma concerning my hair that I can trace all the way back to third grade and my arch nemesis. (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!)

Honestly, I blame Kaley Cuoco for this. I've been thinking about chopping all of my hair off since she made me think it was a good idea (four years ago!). But do you know the downfall to all of this? I could literally get the exact same haircut and I wouldn't look even HALF as cute as her. It's annoying.

I think I'm basically just going to talk about it for the rest of my life, but never get the courage up to just go do it. Then again, maybe I'll just do a bunch of shots and head straight to the beauty parlor (usually I would say hairdresser or something, but I think it's sad that we don't say "beauty parlor" anymore). That would maybe work out in my favor? I mean, gray hair is already on the horizon, so I might as well make a change right now.... right?!!?!

And if that's what happens, I'll just have to remember why I did it in the first place. Wish me luck.... and send whiskey.

People are cracking me up over the third royal baby. *so. many. jokes*

This past Monday (4/23), Kate Middleton gave birth to the third royal baby (and by third royal baby, I mean her third one, because there are a kazillion royals apparently?) and the internet was buzzing with excitement and in awe.... and y'all there were so many jokes. Not mean jokes, but hilarious ones!! (Even though I'm sure somebody had to be mean at some point.... ass).

In fact, I'm fairly certain that the entire point of someone announcing anything about "the royals" are just to see how many jokes we can all come up with. I mean, remember back in November 2017 when they announced that Prince Harry was finally ready to settle down and would be marrying Meghan Markle? (And also, she's a catch, good choice, Harry).

There was nothing different about it this go around and I decided to share my favorite post that I have seen where someone was talking about the fact that Kate Middleton looked like a f*cking Queen (and she's not, she's a Duchess.... and there's a difference?) seven hours after giving birth, leaving the hospital with her hubby, surrounded by thousands of people. And this is my favorite, because even though I don't have children (and have no plans to ever have them), I know that I wouldn't take childbirth like the Duchess.... I would take it like the author of this little "article." No doubt about it.

Side note: My new favorite way to refer to "lady bits" is by calling them "whisker biscuits".

And here she is, for the third time, stunning, all smiles, with her royal whisker-biscuit busted all to hell. 8 hours after shitting a watermelon, Princess Kate (for the record, it's supposed to be Duchess, but whatever) is in full hair and makeup, standing precariously in high heels in front of a hospital, hoping her goddamn industrial strength pad doesn't slip, confident that the red dress she picked will mask any potential bloody mishaps.

Once again I am in awe of her composure, because after my third vaginal crochet job I could do little more than waddle to the shitter and occasionally spritz the injured area with a numbing solution amid hisses and gasps of pain.

I certainly did not drag my fat ass to a stairwell in shoddy mesh panties to present my vagina trophy to the world nor did I grin charmingly for an army of cameras.

Fuck that noise. I wriggled into the loosest pair of already stained sweatpants I could find, snuggled my new baby and winced as the afterpains ravaged my shrinking reproductive organs. 

Congratulations to the royal couple on their new, beautiful crotchfruit. All hail the prince. And of course, the royal mimsy.

That shit is tip top. -Just the Tip. (I don't know the author's real name, but this is what was signed to it when I read it).

Fried Green Tomatoes.... and yes, that's an acceptable meal. *yummy*

Most people that know me (or at least, know me well) knows that I LOVE Fried Green Tomatoes. The food and the movie.... and probably the book. Fannie Flagg knew what was up and knew that I needed Idgie Threadgoode to guide me.

There's nothing that happens in my life to where I don't question how Idgie Threadgoode would handle it. A kind of "WWID" type of situation. Luckily for me, Idgie was just about as dramatic as I am and we relate to each other in alot of ways. (And I say "we" but mostly I just relate to her!).

I often find myself quoting the movie (Towanda!!) and the fact that Idgie made me feel like it was ok to be a "tomboy" has bleed through to my entire life. Did Idgie care what people thought about her hair or clothes? Hell no. Do I care? F*ck that. We are both comfort and practicality over fashion and expectations.

Speaking of quotes, I also call Momma my "bee charmer" and if you've never seen the movie, that won't make any sense to you.

I don't remember how old I was the first time I watched the movie, but I know I cried (no matter how many times I watch it, it always makes me cry), and laughed uncontrollably.

And with it being one of my all time favorites ever (and that's saying something, because I watch/love a bunch of movies.... the 90s were just a good time for film and if anybody tries to tell you any differently.... get rid of them), it had been FAR too long since I had gave it a go.

Having realized this, I knew that I had to make it right and found my DVD copy to pop in (and then realized that I must love this movie, because I own three copies of it.... quit judging me). And just to let you know, it's just as amazing as what I remembered.

"Why did you go with Idgie Threadgoode?" "Because she.... she's the best friend I ever had, and I love her."

Podcasts are ruining my life and cracking me up. *get on board with this*

**the podcast "The Habitat" lets us know that it takes up to twenty minutes to send/receive each message from Mars to Earth**

Danielle: Did they just say that it takes twenty minutes to send/receive a message to/from Mars to Earth?
Me: Yeah, that's what the guy just said. That's so weird to think about.
Danielle: It's not weird.... it's infuriating.
Me: Ok.... why?!
Danielle: It takes twenty minutes to communicate between Earth and Mars and I literally can't even get the internet in my house to work 90% of the f*cking time.

Somewhere between a cupcake and a nervous breakdown.

One of our sales reps brought cupcakes into work today and Danielle wanted me to split one with her (because apparently she wants to be healthy and have self control or something? weird), so that she wouldn't be eating a whole one by herself. (But, she should've because they were delicious.... but we both agree that "red velvet" is just chocolates copycat cousin).

That got us talking about when people usually start thinking about their overall health and begin changing their eating/exercise habits. I kind of assumed that people started really paying attention to that kind of thing in their mid-thirties, but Dani crushed me dreams and a little piece of my soul (thanks, dude), by informing me that people really start with all of that around thirty.

What. the. actual. f*ck.

She then told me that since I'm creeping up on thirty (I turned twenty-eight two months ago) that I would probably start trying to "get a handle" on everything, because your body just automatically becomes more aware of its age.

That's when I was forced to tell her that I've literally been eating like a six year old my entire life and there's absolutely NO WAY that I can reign that shit in within two years. She laughed and was like, "oh Katie, it can't be that bad" and I had to admit that there were sour gummy worms in my purse as we were having this conversation.... she just shook her head and laughed, because she knows that I'm a lost cause (for the most part). Either way, I don't foresee me "reigning" anything in.

And Dani, just remember, the closer I creep to thirty, the closer you creep to forty. Cheers.

Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom (and pure excitement from me).

Everyone that knows me well, knows that I love me some Chris Pratt. It started way back when he was Bright Abbott and continued to grow throughout the years. I've always thought that he had way talent than what they let on and that he deserved much more praise than what he received.

Finally, in 2014 everyone else caught up with my way of thinking. I don't know what took them so long, but I'm glad we're finally on the same page.

It all started with Guardians of the Galaxy and progressed to star roles in Jurassic World, Passengers, The Magnificent Seven, and so on and so forth. Personally, I always believed that he was leading man material (I reiterate: Bright Abbott), but apparently people needed him to get buff instead of a little chubby (what's wrong with chubby? NOTHING, THAT'S WHAT), and then people started to pay far more attention to his everyday life (including having their hears collectively ripped out when it was announced that he and Anna Faris would be divorcing and we all lost faith in humanity).

Aside from that though, the fact that he has some amazing and hilarious (he can do serious too!) movies under his belt would be an understatement. Even when he has a small role, he took every scene that he was in, in my opinion. Things only seem to be keeping strong in that department for him, and I couldn't be happier about it if I tried.

The final trailer for the Jurassic World sequel (Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom) dropped today and I have to say, it looks awesome and OF COURSE I'm going to be watching it. Even if it's only for Chris Pratt to drop hilarious character lines (even though that's not the only fantastic thing about these movies).

Owen Grady: "Just remember, if I don't make it back.... you're the one who made me come here." The man cracks me up.

I fell asleep at 7:43 pm and when the hell did I get this old?

I've been fighting a head cold for about a week now and it's not going so well.... if you don't believe me, ask my migraine.

I'm currently drinking a Coke, because apparently I have a minor addiction problem with caffeine? That's up for debate (no, it's not), but I decided since I've already tried ibuprofen and allergy meds, it was worth a shot.

Speaking of allergy meds, I took a double dose of some last night (this head cold is getting the best of me), and while I used to be able to stay up for days on end with nothing but Mountain Dew and sure will, I took those meds and passed out on the couch.... at 7:43pm.

Party girl, I am not.

Not only did I pass out at 7:43pm (along with Tayder, because he's sleepy round the clock with me and Momma, because she's had to take meds too), but I apparently started sleepwalking again and made pudding (the kind that you cook), turned off our heat (it was 58° when I got up this morning), and text Danielle in a panic, because I woke up at 8:03pm (yes, only twenty minutes later) convinced that I was late for work.

I kind of remember that part? All I remember is I woke up in a panic (I do that pretty often.... it's the result of ongoing insomnia and night terrors), seen that there was light outside (this whole "time change" thing ruins my life at least twice a year), and text her "Dude, I 157# overslept. I just woke up, I'll be there asap." Needless to say, she was very confused and about a minute later I had to send her a follow up text that said, "And never mind, because it's f*cking nighttime. Sorry, I dozed off and woke up really damn confused."

You'll be happy to know that she was both extremely confused and cracking up at me at the same time. And no, I don't know what "157#" was supposed to mean. I'm assuming I meant to say 157% (I'm dramatic), and hit the wrong button in my haze.

Now I just want to go home, eat, drink wine, and watch Netflix. (Which is coincidentally what I always want to do).

Horror movie remakes.... the good, the bad, and the stupid.

(A good horror fan always celebrates Friday the 13th). The thing that most people know about me is that I LOVE horror movies. And by "most people" I mean my close friends and family, because ain't nobody needs everyone to know their love of horror movies. I watched Scream (and all of its sequels), Randy Meeks wouldn't steer me wrong!

Personally, I go by Randy's advice when it comes to horror movies, because he kept it simple, to the point, and only had three rules for each scenario. While I liked Scream4 just fine, they had seven in depth rules and that's just too much for me.

What's your favorite scary movie? Bitch, please.... don't answer that!

Most people that love horror movies as much as me (or any genre, for that matter), don't like when people do "remakes." They feel like it takes something away from the original and "tarnishes" it.

I'm pretty much the exact opposite when it comes to something like that, because I love remakes. I love remakes and sequels and basically everything that you're supposed to "hate" about movies. I don't think it takes anything away from the original and in some cases may even be better.

Case in point: A Nightmare on Elm Street.

The original came out in 1984 and not only introduced us to a baby-faced Johnny Depp (thank you!), but also brought to our screens Robert Englund in his most terrifying role to date. Freddy Kreuger is legendary in the horror community and he is beloved (in his own way) as such. Sure, he's a psychotic, sociopathic, razor-clawed, literal nightmare of a paedophile.... but as I said, legendary. When 2010 rolled around the "remake" was released and I decided that I was going to watch it in the theatre. Sure, I had been terrified of Freddy my entire life, but my rationality said: "I'm not a kid anymore. I'm a twenty year old grown ass woman, I can suck it up and do this." Yeah.... it wasn't even five minutes into the movie and I was on the dude next to me's lap (thanks, random stranger that dealt with my crazy) with my fingers covering my eyes. Why?! BECAUSE JACKIE EARLE HALEY IS TERRIFYING AND FREDDY KREUGER IS A LITERAL NIGHTMARE. Alot of people hated the remake, and I get it, I love Robert Englund too.... but I LOVED the remake. To me, it made sense and gave me information that I had always been wanting concerning the story of Freddy. Plus, the cast? Yes.

Second case in point: The Evil Dead.

The original Evil dead movie was released in 1981 and is quite literally one of my very favorite movies in existence. Ever since the very first time I watched it (and my friends and I loved it, but for one reason, because it was set in rural Tennessee.... where we lived and were raised) I have had mad love for Bruce Campbell and will watch anything having to do with the franchise.... including the 2013 remake (except it dropped the "The" like the rest of the franchise after the first film).  (And let's not even get into how much I LOVE the Ash vs. Evil Dead tv series). Sure, the 2013 remake didn't have Ash Williams (aka Bruce "Katie's been in love with me since she was eleven" Campbell), but it brought something else to it. Something out of this world creepy and squirm in your seat gore (I literally have to look completely away from the screen during like five scenes of the movie). The original was scary in its day and to an eleven year old me still was.... but the remake? Oy vey. Besides, Shiloh Fernandez can definitely hold his own in any movie. I love the original, but find the remake to be insane (in a good way), as well.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________

(As told by Randy Meeks, Scream) Rules for surviving a horror movie:

1. You can never have sex.
2. You can't drink or do drugs.
3. Never, under any circumstance, say that you'll "be right back." Because you won't be right back.

(As told by Randy Meeks, Scream2) Rules for surviving a horror sequel:

1. The body count is always bigger.
2. The death scenes are always much more elaborate.
3. Never, ever, under any circumstance assume the killer is dead.

(As told by Randy Meeks, Scream3) Rules for surviving a horror trilogy:

1. You've gotta killer who's gonna be superhuman. Stabbing him won't work, shooting him won't work. Basically in the third one, you gotta cryogenically freeze his head, decapitate him, or blow him up.
2. Anyone, including the main character can die.
3. The past will come back to bite you in the ass. Whatever you think you know about the past, forget it. The past is not at rest! Any sins you think were committed in the past are about to break out and destroy you.

(As told by Robbie Mercer & Charlie Walker, Scream4) Rules to successfully survive a horror remake:

1. The death scenes have to be way more extreme.
2. Unexpected is the new cliche.
3. Virgins can die now.
4. New versions are always 2.0, so the latest technology is always involved and integral to the plot. This means the killer may start filming the murders.
5. You have to have an opening sequence.
6. Don't f*ck with the original.
7. If you want to survive in a modern day horror movie, you pretty much have to be gay.

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Honorable mentions: The Crazies, Fright Night (#RIPAntonYelchin.... it's still heartbreaking to me), Halloween, Dawn of the Dead, The Hills Have Eyes, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, House of Wax, Friday the 13th, The Last House on the Left, Thirteen Ghosts, My Bloody Valentine, Black X-mas, Prom Night, The Fog.

Don't just remember today, remember with a piece of you.... everyday.

I read somewhere today, that "thirty-one percent of Americans, and forty-one percent of millenials, believe that two million or fewer Jews were killed in the Holocaust; the actual number is around six million. Forty-one percent of Americans, and sixty-six percent of millennials, cannot say what Auschwitz was. Only thirty-nine percent of Americans know that Hitler was democratically elected."

What I take away from that, is that we are apparently teaching and learning about the wrong things these days. How a moment in history as monumental and appalling as this is "being forgotten" or "fading from memory" is happening, I will never understand. How have we let something like this "go"? Sure, moving on must be done, but forgotten? I call bullsh*t.

Sadly, how the world seems to be going these days, it's entirely unsurprising to me. Appalling, yes. Shocking, no.

Nina Weil, 71978. But always, more than a number.

With that being said, today is a day of remembrance for those lost and/or affected from that horrible time. And it is because of them, that we must keep remembering and hoping and knowing and fighting. The next time you make a decision that affects more than just you, remember, this began  the same way.

Be kind. Think it through. And never forget.

I watched the movie Wonder and it ruined my entire life. *so many tears*

Y'all, I am not one to admit that I have feelings. I like to just be overly dramatic and emotional and tell people that I don't have feelings, even though we all know I'm lying. It's been a good system that has served me well in life. (And by "served me well" I mean it has totally blown up in my face on way more than one occasion).

While I'm pretty decent at hiding my everyday emotions from the outside world (ie: to everyone that isn't around me a semi-daily basis), the fact of the matter is, if you watch a movie with me (or let's be honest, even a commercial) that pulls at my heartstrings (and those kinds of movies seem to be more frequent the older I get?) chances are, you're going to see my crazy in full effect.

With that being said, I wanted to let you know that I watched the movie Wonder and it was literally just 113 minutes of me crying my eyes out. There were so many tears involved that I was probably creeping into dehydration territory (but then again, that's probably the dramatic part of me taking over).

There were tears for literally every single emotion that you can think of and I cannot stress to you how amazing this movie is and how much you should watch it. I should also probably warn you before you go any further, minor SPOILER ALERT.

While I originally went into the movie thinking it was going to be a bit like the 1985 film Mask (I was told this by someone, but can't remember by whom), I quickly learned that was not the case. You see, in Mask the genetic disorder that the main character suffers from is: Craniodiaphyseal Dysplasia. In Wonder, the little boy has Mandibulofacial Dysostosis. And while you can look at the photos and it may seem like it's around the same thing to an individual such as myself that is not educated in the medical field, they are actually quite different things.

I'm not going to give too much away (hence the "minor"), but I do have to say that once you think the movie can't possibly get any sadder.... the elderly family dog gets sick. And while I wanted to stop watching it a couple of times, because the cruelty you realize some people inflict on others, just because they're "different" is so disheartening, I didn't and finished it through. Because I'd like to believe for every cruel person that is running around out there (and let's be honest adults are the worst, but children can be little shits too), there are two more kind people to tip the scale back.

Wonder. Watch it. Watch it now.... and probably/most definitely bring tissues.

The best social media decision that I’ve ever made in my entire life.

Disclaimer: I do not talk about politics in my writing and there are very few people that I will even partake in the “sensitive subject” conversation. And it’s not because I care what people think (I honestly don’t give a shit), it’s just how I roll.

But, that doesn’t mean I don’t laugh hysterically or roll my eyes when I see people on social media making asses of themselves. Trust me, I don’t sleep a lot at night (#InsomniaLife), but it certainly isn’t over my conscience.

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Moving on.... I got a FB friend request from the dad of one of the guys I grew up with. I assumed that he had seen all of our “mutual friends” and assumed that his son and I had been friends growing up (we weren’t). But, I accepted it nonetheless, because the dad was always nice to me so I figured no harm, no foul.

It is single-handedly the great social media decision that I have ever made. Why?! Because he said the exact thing, to the exact girl that we’ve all been wanting to say for months (and I have, and for some reason she thinks I’m kidding? I guess because we used to be real good friends.... we’re not anymore).

Side note to my grammar Nazi's out there: Before I let you know what was said I'm going to go ahead and let you know that I said/spelled the way they did (for the most part), so you could really appreciate this like I did.

Case in point: **some crap about politics in general (maybe anti-Trump, but since the post is no longer there I'm not 100% sure?) that I don’t bother with, because I think you can have your opinion without being a bag of dicks about it**

Her: I can’t wait until he fails. I’m gonna rub so many peoples faces in it, I love being right.

Him: Umm.... I honestly don’t care where anybody stands on the political spectrum (for the most part, as long as you’re not a shitty person), but whether you like him or not, Trump is still the President and wanting him to “fail” is like flying in a plane over the Atlantic Ocean and saying, “I hate this pilot. I hope he crashes so people will know he’s an idiot.” I mean, you do realize that everybody in the plane goes down with him.... right?

Her: Of course you would take his side, your an idiot just like him.

Him: I’m not taking his side, I’m taking the side of I don’t wanna f*cking crash and burn, because somebody hates the pilot.

Her: Oh yeah?! Well, did you know that unemployment is at the highest rate that it’s been since the Great Depression?!

Him: That is legitimately not surprising to me, but did you ever think that it’s been increasing for years and unfortunately no matter how many jobs are created and/or offered, we live in a general lazy/ungrateful society where people want to be taken care of instead of working for a living? 

Her: Of course, your one of “those people” that takes the side of people who don’t wanna help. I’ll have you know, other than housing, transportation, utilities, and child care, the only Government assistance I get is food stamps. I don’t receive child support or anything like that. So, you can stop with the whole trying to make me feel bad thing.

Him: Ok, look. 
#1: I have no problem helping people. I believe that we all need help sometimes and I am more than happy to help those who are in need.
#2: Child support is not Government assistance. Yes, it goes through a court system, but it is taken directly from someone’s wage, there is not a program set aside for it. Also, in order to receive child support, at least one of the parents have to be employed, and as we’ve established, that’s difficult to come by these days. 
#3: What else is there to need help on aside from housing, transportation, utilities, child care, and food? I’m not trying to be a smartass, I am legitimately curious.
#4: I wasn’t talking about you in the least little bit. In fact, I didn’t even realize who posted this until after I replied, I just noticed and shared my opinion.... but you seemed to have taken it very personally, so I guess, if the boot fits you should should lace that bitch up and strut around in it.

Her: Your an ignerant asshole.

Him: Ov vey. 
#1: I can’t take this anymore.... it’s you are or you’re not your.
#2: You spelled ignorant wrong. In fact, your spelling and grammar in general is atrocious. If you’re going to try to make someone feel and/or sound like they don’t have quite as high of an IQ as you do, or that they are not as educated, and you're (note: you're NOT your) trying to make them feel inferior to you, spell check is probably something that you should look into.

Her: Oh yeah, you should really be talking about other people, your sons are ridiculous.

Him: Yes, they are ridiculous. My oldest boy has held a full time job since he was seventeen and raises his son on his own, because the mother ran off. My youngest boy got into some trouble when he was around nineteen (you should know, you both were arrested the same weekend.... your charges much more serious, of course, but still within the same weekend) and since then he has been living a sober life, holding down a full time job, and helps his brother with his nephew as often as possible. Damn boys, can’t teach them anything.... it’s almost like they wanted to grow up to be productive members of society. What a couple of losers.... as opposed to you, right?

Her: Exactly. I’m a proud mother that holds her family down. 

Him: Yeah.... I mean, from social media alone in the last week I’ve learned that you’re pregnant with your fifth kid (third man, because the other two are in jail for making/selling meth.... the new one has been out for a couple of months), you’ve never held a full-time job in your entire life, haven’t held a part-time job since you were nineteen (and only had that for around three months), and that according to your “employment section” of your profile, you’re still “undecided.” Which is funny, because when you were a senior in high school you told me that you were still “undecided” and here we are almost exactly ten years later. You’re almost thirty, shouldn’t you have decided by now?

Her: ........ *unfriends him and deletes entire post*

Him: Victory is mine. (Or, I mean, that’s what I imagine he said/felt).

Why I avoid my family "setting me up" like a hooker does Jack the Ripper.

This past Saturday, while I was at the pharmacy picking up some medicine for myself and Momma, I received a phone call from my cousin, J, asking me if I wanted to come out with him and his girlfriend, B. I said, "thanks, but I'm staying in tonight."

He of course gave me shit about it (like every single one of us does the others in our family when we're trying to talk them into something) and even called Momma to "tattle" on me. (Ass.... narc.... all of that.)

I couldn't really understand what he was saying in full, but it was something along the lines of, "you stay in every night" and "I can't believe that you're leaving your cousin hanging" and so on, so forth.

Then I received a couple of text messages from his girlfriend (who is awesome and I adore), B, (because as I said, he's a narc) that said, "Hey, I have a guy at *insert the company she works at here* that I want to introduce you to. He is VERY shy. J met him.... he' single."

And I was very much like AH-HA! I knew y'all were up to trickery of some kind.

Of course, I was all, "I'll have to go out with y'all some other time.... let me get this cold shit cleared up and then I'll go out. No worries, you guys will have the opportunity to trick me or some poor guy another time." (Even though I'm going to try and dodge this for the rest of my life).

That seemed to pacify them (or at the very least her), because my cousin quit harassing me (for now).

It's not that I'm ungrateful that when they know an awesome guy they think it would be nice to introduce me to them (I just find that no one is going to want to do what I want to do 24/7 and I'm old and set in my ways and very happy being single, so there's that).... it's just, y'all know how I feel like dating in general. A couple of years back I let J's sister talk me into going on a double/blind date with her, her wife, and a guy they worked with. It went fine and all (if you don't count the fact that I was inebriated by accident.... another story for another day), but you could clearly tell that dude and I just didn't hit it off. There was no.... what do you call it? Spark? Is that the word I'm looking for?

Anyways, as I was saying, I appreciate it and all.... but, if they keep trying I'm going to be forced to be sarcastic about it. (You know, not my personality at all.... lol). I honestly think that while J's sister was trying to trick me into just dating any single person she could find, I think B's is coming from a genuinely nice place.

BUT that doesn't mean I won't freak out about it and run away.... because as we all know, that is 157% my MO. Not too mention, in case they happen to see and/or read this someday, I feel the need to say: B, you chose my cousin as a boyfriend, you clearly do not think this kind of thing through. (You can't tell it, but I am cracking the hell up over here).

Now, if y'all will excuse me, I have to go avoid some people like it's 1888 London and I'm a woman of "questionable morals."

Things to remind myself of when I miss having long hair.

As of this writing, I still have long hair. Like, ridiculously long hair.... and I haven't decided if I'm 100% cutting it or not. It's one of those lifetime conundrums that we ladies find ourselves in on a semi-regular basis. And if you say you haven't.... you're a liar.

The problem with cutting your hair short is if you hate it, it feels like it takes FOREVER to grow back out. And until it grows out, you can't help but think two things:

1. I look dumb as hell.
2. Look at ALL of the cute ways I could do my hair if only it was long.

It seems like you just have alot of regret and it can feel like the end of the world (#FirstWorldProblems). But, here's the thing.... as of this writing (4/5/18), I haven't worn my hair down or "fixed it" since November 2017. And that's not an exaggeration, it's a fact. The last time my hair was "down" or "fixed" was the last time I had it cut and the hairstylist did it.

Seriously, I haven't done anything to my own hair aside from washing it, brushing it, and pulling it up for at least five months. And there's no telling how long it had been before that. Having long hair is good in theory, but it can also be a giant pain in the ass. Not to mention, all of the inconveniences it causes me. And not inconveniences like clogging up our drains (although, it does do that), or becoming a tangled up/matty mess (again, it does that too), or getting so frizzy that it falls into my eyes/mouth and if I'm being honest it ruins my life at least twice a day, but more than just that.... I get major headaches.

And while migraines tend to run with the women in my family (go figure, the damn guys don't have to have them.... aside from one uncle), I can't help but to feel like mine would be at the very least a tad less excruciating if I didn't have so much weighing it down. My hair is heavy. REALLY heavy. And when I have a headache, it feels like it is ten times heavier than it already is.

In addition to all of the things you think about yourself when you make a considerable change to your look, you also get to hear the opinions of every single person that looks and/or talks to/about you. I learned long ago that other people's opinions are just that.... their opinions. But, no matter how much self-confidence you have, or however much you don't care about other people's opinions, you can't help but to have your weak moments. If you're already self-conscious about the way you look in any way, eventually, somebody is going to say something one day that's gonna get through. It sucks, but it's true.

Sometimes no matter what you do, people are just nasty little individuals. And you have to get tired of their constant negative comments. Who wants to listen to that shit on a daily basis? Not this girl.

Then again, the chances of them leaving you alone are pretty slim. If it's not about your hair it's gonna be something else. They're not gonna like the way you dress (I get that one ALOT), or do your makeup, or an entire list of other things that are really nobody else's damn business except your own.... that doesn't stop them though. So, you may as well do what you need to do to make yourself happy and comfortable. Easier said than done.

With all of that being said, if I do decide to chop all of my hair off (I'll be donating it to: Wigs 4 Kids.... join me?), here are some things that I feel I should remind my future self of, just in case she starts feeling bad about herself/her short hair look:

1. Dude, your head hurts. Like, not a headache hurt (although, you're getting those quite frequently too), but your actual scalp. It hurts to touch it and everytime your hair moves even a little it, it feels like someone is stabbing you on the top of the head and lighting it on fire all at once. Trust me, you want this to stop, because IT HURTS. Even washing it hurts and at times has brought you to semi-tears.

2. Give it a damn chance. If you did this time what you do everytime you cut your hair short, you immediately looked in the mirror and decided to let it grow out. You never even gave it a chance to see if you liked it once you "got used to it." Of course you look different, your hair has always been semi-long, so back up, regroup, and figure out if you really do hate it or if you're just being crazy.... again.

3. For some reason every single time a girl cuts her hair short someone always says you look like a lesbian (or, a much more derogatory version of it). For one, screw that person, because they are a hateful little bucket of spit. Also, this isn't something you should even concern yourself with. Even if you're not a lesbian, there's nothing wrong with that being your sexual orientation, and therefore nothing that should upset you.

4. STOP thinking about all of the things that would happen "if you had long hair." You've lived at least twenty-eight years and NEVER ONCE has a scene from a movie or book been reenacted in your entire life (unless you count Bryan referencing Bruce Campbell in AOD). Having long hair is NOT more romantic and this isn't 1782. Short hair is fine and alot of the time these days, preferred. Like I said, you haven't done anything with your hair in at least five months. (And more than that if you count before that November haircut). And you always say, "but, if it was and I could, I would." No. No, you won't. Take it from the girl that is currently living it right now. You're NOT gonna mess with it. Sad, but completely accurate. And also, it's a giant pain in the ass. You used to love straightening your hair and "fixing it" but you would rather take a punch to the face rather than having to deal with it now. Seriously dude, let that shit go. I'm currently living it, so I know.

5. Dude, that shit is forever getting on your nerves and you never love it. It doesn't matter who you think might look at you differently once you have short hair, because you're the only one that really has to deal with it. You have to wear it down when you go to bed (because of the aforementioned pain) and it constantly gets stuck under you, pulling it and hurting all over again. It gets in your eyes and mouth and honestly, it's just so damn annoying and frustrating. Trust me, you've been here plenty before, it NEVER gets better.... only more aggravating.

6. Whenever you think, "maybe we girls just shouldn't have short hair, can I even pull this off?" take a look at Lily Collins, Emma Fitzpatrick, Shailene Woodley, Kaley Cuoco, Cheyann Shaw, Evan Rachel Wood, Lauren Cohan, Willa Holland, Keira Knightley, Ruby Rose, Michelle Williams, Julianne Hough, or Carey Mulligan just to name a few (or a bunch) and watch how ladies can pull of short hair flawlessly. (Or, you know, look at your secret "short hair" album on Facebook).

7. Your hair is falling out by the handfuls and while you still have a bunch to go around, it's horrible. You can literally do NOTHING without your hair hindering you in some way/shape/form. Aside from it just falling out by the handfuls (and no, that's not being dramatic it literally comes out in handfuls), it's starting to hinder your sleeping (who knew?) and to be fairly honest it.... you hate it. You pretend you don't, because you still have this whole "you should have long hair" thought going on, but honestly you just honestly don't like it and refuse to tell anyone.

8. IT IS SO F*CKING ITCHY!!!! Your scalp itches ALL DAY EVERY DAY. It falls out and gets stuck in your clothes (shirts, pants, bra, underwear, it's everywhere all bets are off!!). I cannot even explain the level of itching that it's reaching. And not like, "is there something in my hair?" itchy, but just regular ole it's a pain in the ass itchy.

I don't know if you'll ever decide to chop it all off (and if you don't, you're only prolonging your suffering), but if you do, just know that no matter how short or long your hair is, you're still you. And what you are is a pretty awesome person (that just so happens to watch too much Netflix and take too damn much cold medicine- yolo). Either way, you've got this.