Monday, September 15, 2014

My unreasonable, but somehow legit fears.

Everybody has something that they're afraid of. Whether it be snakes, spiders, millipedes or centipedes (You laugh, but I have an aunt and a cousin that suffer from this), we all have one. Heights, small spaces, Kardashians, they're legit fears. It seems like you can be afraid of anything nowadays and people consider it normal, because if it ends in- "phobia" it must be a real medical condition. I don't know. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. And I'm not judging. Believe me, I am probably one of the least judgiest judgiest? people that you would ever want to meet.

I know that everybody has fears of some kind, myself included, but I really am one of those people that goes blank when asked what she's afraid of. Why? Because I can't be one of those normal people that have a rational fear. No, no. I'm one of those weird ass people that are scared of things that you wouldn't think of. Well, maybe you would think of them, but you wouldn't think that there are people out there that would actually be afraid of them. I'm just rambling at this point. Sorry. I'll explain. I was reading an article about the 15 great films with really simple plotlines for some reason. Sometimes I do that. Well, ok, if we're being perfectly honest I do shit like that all the time. I read and watch random stuff just because I think that I might need to know all of that useless information someday. On the plus side, every now and then I can kick ass in trivia games. Anyways, I was telling Aunt Susi about one of the movies on there that I've never seen, but I want to because it looks amazing, and I almost started hyperventilating just talking about it. Remember, leave your judgement at the door. Here goes nothing.

Freddy Kreuger. 

Ok. so look, when I was little Freddy Kreuger scared the crap out of me. I'm sure that I shared in the fear with thousands of children who had a negligent babysitter or an asshole older cousin (you know who you are) that let them watch a little movie known as- Nightmare on Elm Street, and then commenced to never sleeping for the next ten years. I get it. A man with a razor claw that pulled off those god awful Christmas sweaters that your Aunt Phyllis used to send to you every year. Between that rhyme and Robert Englund's stance, I get it. Plus, I mean, he got you IN YOUR DREAMS. How horrible of thing is that to do to a child? You could run from Michael, you didn't have to go to camp so bye bye to Jason, Chucky was easily punted to the neighbors house, but Freddy? Freddy got you in the place that you're at your most vulnerable. In your dreams. Yeah, the one place that you can't distinguish fantasy from reality and by the time you have a clue that you need to wake up it's to damn late. Of course I was petrified of him as a child. I didn't think it came any scarier. But when the remake came out years later, I had just turned 20 years old and knew that if i got through it as a child, then I would be perfectly fine as an adult. So a friend of mine and I went and seen it on theaters. Yeah. Do you know what they don't tell you? They don't tell you that the older you get the harder it is to stay awake therefore petrifying you even more if you're scared to go to sleep. They also don't tell you that if you jump into the lap of the guy sitting next to you whom you've never met that he asks for your phone number, that is, until he to screams like a girl and you agree to never tell anyone....what? How was I supposed to know I would have a blog someday? Anyways, it scared the crap out of me, even more so than when I was a child, and even though I own it, and love it, no matter what I hide under a blanket with my bear while watching Freddy. 

Outer Space.

Yes, you read that right. I have an irrational fear of space. And we're not talking like wide open spaces. No, we're talking outer space. what is this an irrational fear? Y'ALL, I WILL NEVER GO TO OUTER SPACE. EVER. Do I look like an astronaut to you? No? Good guess. I'm sure that my old high school GPA and NASA will both agree with you. One of my favorite movies of all time is Armageddon, and of course Star Wars and Star Trek. Yeah, I like both. I'm a rebel like that. Not to mention there was ET, Independence Day, MIB, and Deep Impact. I think what I'm trying to say is I love space movies, but am petrified of actual space. I started talking to her about that Sandy B movie- Gravity and as I was telling her that I think in the movie she gets cut from whatever she's attached to, and then she's just floating off into the never ending abyss, eventually either running out of oxygen or a space rock (Yes, I use technical terms like "space rocks" move on) hitting her in the face, thus breaking her helmet and causing her head to explode, and then I started getting dizzy and my vision became blurry. Kind of like now.


I know what you're thinking, right? You're thinking that there are a lot of people that are afraid of sharks, mostly because of Jaws, the fact that NOTHING SHOULD HAVE THAT MANY EFFING TEETH, and it's not that odd of a fear. Am I right? Ha! That might all be well and true, but I'm not talking your simple, basic, everyday sharks. No. The ones that you see at Seaworld or aquariums? Great whites, hammerheads, tiger sharks, bull sharks? Ha. Sissies. No I'm talking sharks like the frilled shark and Megalodon. In case you need a frame of reference for Megalodon look here. And don't try to tell me that Megalodon hasn't existed in over 400 million years, because DO YOU SWIM EVERY INCH OF THE BOTTOM OF THE SEA?! DO YOU?!! No. I didn't think so. There's a reason they're the oldest living thing on this planet. And it's called a unique set of survival skills. They are the Liam Neeson's of the underwater world. And I think that they're amazing. I watch Shark Week, and shark movies, and the Discovery Channel, but that doesn't make me less petrified. To me, Sharknado is a legitimate fear. You just don't screw with nature. And I'm pretty sure that here soon sharks are just going to develop lungs and legs and walk out of the ocean to devour me like I'm a sub sandwich, because evolution. And anyone that just looked at that frilled shark and says they weren't petrified is a damned ole liar, because that is terrifying. Basically, I'm scared of all deep sea creatures, and I'm pretty sure my imagination is worse that anything they've actually found proof of.

Also, my biggest fear is ventriloquist dummies, but I'm not gonna talk about that right now, because ahh!!