Tuesday, May 23, 2017

I don't want to do the things.

(How I feel about life today is how Chris Pine feels about people confusing him with every other Chris in existence every day).

Things that I should be on top of doing: Mowing the grass, gathering paperwork and putting it in a precise and neat filing system, cleaning the house, cooking healthy meals, drinking eight glasses of water a day, exercising on the regular, styling my hair, weeding and gardening.

Things I don't want to do: Mow the grass, gather a damn thing, clean shit, cook shit, drink shit (unless it's some form of grain alcohol), exercise in any form, brush my hair, anything that involves me doing the things.

Things I'll probably end up doing today (after work): Laundry, take a shit ton of allergy meds (this pollen can go f*ck itself), cook some form of food, try to hide from society.... and probably mow the f*cking grass.
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Monday, May 22, 2017

2017 showed no mercy in television land this year.

Shows I was surprised to see cancelled: Chicago Justice. Last Man Standing. 2 Broke Girls. Castle. Outsiders.

Show that I'm extremely sad to see cancelled: Baby Daddy. Bones. Bates Motel (even though we knew going in).

Shows that really don't effect my mind at all, but also got cancelled: The Vampire Diaries. Reign. Rosewood. The Great Indoors.

Shows I'm happy to see renewed: Lethal Weapon. The Middle. The Big Bang Theory. NCIS: New Orleans. The Night Shift. New Girl (even if it is only for a final season).

Shows I'm happy to see renewed (that I catch on Netlix or Hulu.... or "here and there" re-runs): It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Drunk History. Fuller House. Grace and Frankie. Peaky Blinders. Santa Clarita Diet. Stranger Things. Supernatural. Vikings. Young & Hungry.

Shows that everybody else is happy to see renewed: This Is Us. The Walking Dead. Grey's Anatomy. How to Get Away with Murder. Modern Family. Once Upon a Time. NCIS. Kevin Can Wait. 13 Reasons Why. American Horror Story. Scorpion (I'm assuming I would be happy about this given that I hadn't given up at the beginning of this past season.... I just can't with Paige).

Shows that I don't watch, but for some odd reason am happy they were renewed: The Mick. The Blacklist. Criminal Minds. Chicago Fire/PD/Med. The Originals. Lucifer. Ash vs Evil Dead. iZombie. The Man in the High Castle. Mom. Outlander.

Shows that I meant to watch, but never did, and now I'm pretty sure it's my fault that they got cancelled: Imaginary Mary. Impastor. Sleepy Hollow. Grimm. Timeless. Scratch that, it's been un-cancelled. Emerald City. Salem.
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Tuesday, May 16, 2017

I'm not big on being an adult.

Picture it: Yesterday, May 15, 2017. A hot and muggy afternoon. A young peasant girl (aka, me) on the brink of insanity (I can't turn my brain off for five seconds) and with hair resembling that of Marv from Home Alone (#humidityproblems).

She along with her mother drives to a unfamiliar place to talk to people whom she had never met. It was scary.... and pricey. There they were, swapping stories and life circumstances for hours and just like that (like, 3.5 hours later) they walk out, never to be heard from again.

And by never being heard from again, I mean I totally called and have to go sign papers today. Oh yeah, somewhere in that story I forgot to actually get to the point.... I bought a car.

Well ok, that's not 100% accurate, because I'm actually in the process of buying a car and there's going to be payments made on it, so it won't technically be "mine" until that time. Except, I still have to pay for it and I'm the only one that's going to be driving it so it is mine? I don't know. All I know is I had a slight panic attack and now I have a different car.

I still have my original car, but it won't be around long (and that makes me incredibly sad).

We've been talking about having to get a different car for awhile now (*insert my sad face right here), and we knew that it was going to have to be sooner rather than later.... our poor little Betsy just isn't going to make it through another winter. But she's been a good ole gal and I have plenty of memories with her.... and she has more than quadrupled times infinity her value in the fact that we've had her for ten years, we've had to replace the radiator and water-pump and she only cost us $48. Yes, that's right and not a typo.... $48.

Now she's ready for retirement and while that makes me very sad (like, tear-inducing sad), I had to move on (against my will.... even though I knew it had to be done).

And while Betsy is enjoying her first day of semi-retirement, her replacement has stepped up to the plate to show us what he's got. Yes, Betsy wanted her successor to be a boy. A younger boy with far less miles life experience on him than his predecessor, but with a shiny purple body and a tire warranty skills of his own.

He knows he has big shoes to fill and I just hope that he can step up to the plate. Now, if you'll excuse me I have some mourning to do, some excitement to feel (kind of?), and some driving to do/papers to sign. And while the process and readjustment is far from over, I know that within time, we'll all adapt.... probably.

Oh yeah, and since he's a spicy little quesadilla (2011 Ford Fiesta) I named him.... Ricardo.
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Wednesday, May 10, 2017

Grace and Frankie.... and Coyote.

I started watching the Netflix Original Series- Grace and Frankie- last night.

I've been trying to find a new show to get in to, but can't really find anything that holds on after awhile. Good thing I always have my good ole trusty fallback- It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (my go to show for literally every occasion).

I'm not the only one that does that.... am I? You know, start a show that you're really into and think that you're going to "binge-watch" but you eventually lose all interest in everything and by the time you feel like picking it back up (if you actually do want to pick it back up) you kind of have to start over, because it's been so long you forgot what's going on?

I'm still on the same episode of The Walking Dead that I stopped at months ago. I started watching it back in December and quickly binge-watched the first season.... and then I quickly lost momentum, because the last episode I watched was actually on Valentine's Day. I checked out at: Season3, Episode13.

And then there's Breaking Bad. If I'm being perfectly honest I started watching this show, because I have a serious crush on Aaron Paul.... ok fine, I have a crush on Jesse Pinkman. Back in February I quickly binge watched the first season and one episode of season two and haven't picked it back up since. I checked out at: Season2, Episode2.

Not too mention I started Dexter for the second time (I originally watched it back in 2014? 2015? and got all the way into the last season.... and then gave up) back in January and promptly gave up for the second time. I checked out at: Season1, Episode8. In March I started Young & Hungry, binge watched the first season and randomly gave up, but I have the intention of picking it back up, whether I do or not is yet to be seen. I checked out at: Season2, Episode18.

We even decided to give Hulu a try and I started the show Drunk History in early April and was surprised by how hilarious the first of it was. And then.... well, you know. I checked out at: Season2, Episode5. I switched back to Netflix (though we still have Hulu) and thought that I would watch that show 13 Reasons Why that everyone has been so hyped up about. Yeah. I checked out at: Season1, Episode5. Decided to watch The Following again, since I watched the entire first season when it debuted on tv, but I lost it somewhere in season two. I guess that has been in the last month or so? I checked out at: Season1, Episode8.

And let's not forget The Blacklist. I checked out at: Season2, Episode14. I started Bates Motel when the new season started streaming on Netflix (I had already watched seasons 1-3) back in January. I checked out at: Season4, Episode1. I don't even remember when I started and stopped Once Upon A Time, but.... I checked out at: Season1, Episode18. And I've been watching and trying to get through Burn Notice (I LOVE Bruce Campbell) for the last two years and can't seem to make it no matter how hard I try. I checked out (for now) at: Season5, Episode8.

Then last night I decided I was going to start the show Rectify (and didn't even make it through the first episode). I checked out at: Season1, Episode1.

It hasn't been a total loss, I did binge watch Santa Clarita Diet back in February and again last week. Yes, I watched it twice and I have no regrets (and I'm super happy that it's been renewed for a second season). Shows I actually did get all the way through: Stranger Things, Sirens, The Ranch, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (WAY more than once), Fuller House, Baby Daddy.

After I gave up on Rectify (fairly quickly) I decided to try out Grace and Frankie. And while I've heard great things about it, I really only decided to start watching for one reason and that reason is.... Ethan Embry. Let's be honest, I was pretty in love with him back in the late 90s-early 00s and continued loving him (#SweetHomeAlabama), but didn't have access to watch him in most of his projects and then he took some time off. But now, he's back and I'm pretty happy about it.

There are currently three seasons streaming on Netflix and it's been renewed for a fourth season, so I'm hoping that it stays as hilarious to me as the first three episodes are. For now, it's cracking me up and I want to watch more. The best part so far?

Coyote: "Mallory, I'm sorry, I don't even remember what I did that night. I remember it involved the police and I was arrested and some bad things happened, but I don't remember what." Mallory: "ARE YOU SERIOUS?" Coyote: "Yes, I was on a toxic combination of tequila, cocaine, and non-stick cooking spray." Mallory: "Fine, you ran your car over my mailbox, scared my kids, and stood in my front yard yelling- don't marry Mitch, Mal, it doesn't have to be me, just not him, at the top of your lungs and at that point he and I had already been married for SEVEN YEARS." Coyote: "Wow, that is bad."
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Friday, April 28, 2017

When you get a dose of epic failure for the day.

So, my aunt text me the other day and told me that she would be picking me up a bottle of my favorite wine the next day and would be sending it with my uncle/boss this morning.... she wanted to make sure that I was on the lookout for that delicious nectar of the gods wine.

Well, bright and early this morning I did indeed have said bottle of wine on my desk. Being the slightly less sarcastic/gloomy/cynical exciting person that I am on Friday mornings I text a picture of it to a friend of mine to let them know how excited I was.

And that's where my failure kicked in.

You see, I sent a message that said, "this was waiting on my desk when I got here this morning.... my boss knows how to start a Friday! Lol."

But auto-correct decided that the message I needed to send was, "this was waiting on my desk sexy when I got here this morning.... my boss knows how to start a Friday! Lol."

That's right, for some unknown reason my phone decided to change the word desk to sexy and I was very confused when I received a text message replying to mine that read, "on your sexy?" You know, because I didn't catch what my traitorous phone had done.... but my friend did.

And in case you're wondering, if you want to have a hilarious conversation that confuses multiple people, definitely let auto-correct take the reigns. And if you don't, well, auto-correct doesn't give a shit and is definitely plotting against you when you least expect it. You've been warned, but you've probably already felt its wrath (if you're like me, WAY more than once).
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Thursday, April 27, 2017

My brother is about to be a dad. (Part II).

Back in the beginning of March I wrote a post explaining the fact that my brother was about to be a dad. By extension that was going to make Momma and grandma.... and me an aunt.


And now here we are, almost two months later and there's been a baby hanging around on occasion. I'm not one of those people that could tell you how much he weighed when he was born (a little over nine pounds?.... maybe), or how long he was, or even any real detail like that. I know that I should be able to, but if I'm nothing else at all, at least I am inconsistent when it comes to obliviousness pertaining to a list of random shit.

It's weird to me how fast a baby's features change, but I guess that's just the name of the game when infants are involved. He's been chubby the whole time (cheek wise) and I have to say, I'm pretty much loving that, because chubby babies are just cuter than all the other babies (calm down, I'm not "baby body shaming" that's not even a thing!).

My brother is so damn proud he practically looks like a peacock strutting around. So does Momma now that I think about it.... when I was feeding him last night (half asleep) she informed me that I looked adorable holding a baby. I told her then she better take a picture, because she ain't getting any babies from me (insert LOL here). The first picture they even have of me holding him is from the same day that I had dental surgery and half of my face was paralyzed. And maybe one of us where we both passed out in the chair (again, right after my dental surgery and "drugged" up.... aka, feeling horrible. and because he's a baby and likes naps.).

And last night was the first night that he actually slept over at our house. While I would love to tell you that it went as smoothly as it could, that wouldn't be 100% accurate. Don't get me wrong, it went perfectly fine and nothing bad happened, but I was pretty much a nervous wreck and couldn't quit walking over to him while he was sleeping to make sure that he was ok. You wouldn't think it, but a baby can really make an already anxiety ridden person very on edge.

I was filled with questions like, "can he breathe?" "is his arm supposed to turn like that?" "did he just stick a piece of that sheet up his nose?" "what if I didn't burp him enough.... what happens then?!" "is he giving me side eye?" "can babies even give side eye?" And so on and so forth.

And while he slept through the majority of the night, he did get up a couple of times.... my brother said it was because he was hungry, I say it's because he wanted to see how fast I would jump up and panic. We'll agree to disagree on that one, but I swear he laughed at me every time I panicked. Every. Single. Time.

And I learned a valuable lesson.... I learned that even though it's not illegal to call a two month old baby an asshole, it's still really frowned upon. I couldn't help it, he was being SUCH as asshole! No worries though, I still love him and I don't mind having him around.... much. (I say "much" but I am kind of fond of the little gas ball I call a nephew.).

P.s. His name is Gabriel Alexander.... and I call him Gabby (much to my brother and his girlfriend's chagrin).

P.s.s. this has absolutely nothing to do with having a baby, but some asshole broke into ours and our neighbors garages last night.... just thought I'd put it out there. You know what I say about people?! Ugh. I say, ugh.
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Tuesday, April 25, 2017

2017 films. (Part I).

We're only four (almost five) months into 2017 and I have already watched a plethora of really good films. While I did a recap of my favorite films of 2016, I thought that I would make it a bit easier on myself (ha!) and try to recap as the year went on.... and on some more and a little bit more. Or, something like that.

And I know that no one really cares about my opinion concerning movies.... but then again, never once has someone not caring about my opinion ever stopped me from actually sharing it. Seriously, I can't think of one time. It's that whole word vomit thing.... I try to stop myself (kind of), but somehow it still comes out.

With all of that being said, I give you "The films of (my) 2017.... so far."

Side note: No worries, if I watch a couple more in April after this is published, I'll just tack it onto the next one.... because I do what I want. That, and there's really no telling if I'll watch anymore this month (I probably will).

January's films: Most Likely To Die, Independence Day: Resurgence, Mechanic: Resurrection, Don't Breathe, It Follows, The Magnificent Seven, Deepwater Horizon, This is the End.

My favorite: While I liked most of these movies, (I wasn't a huge fan of Mechanic: Resurrection), and it was a hard choice, I'm gonna have to go with The Magnificent Seven. I really did watch some great ones in January.... Deepwater Horizon was amazing, Independence Day: Resurgence while not as good as the original held it's own, Most Likely To Die was a campy B+ movie that was hilarious (thank you, Perez Hilton), Don't Breathe wasn't what I was expecting, but still good, It Follows creeped me the hell out and I can never watch it again (just like the movie- Contracted), and This is the End was hilarious. Least favorite of the month: Hands down, Mechanic: Resurrection.

January's re-watched from years gone by: The Hangover Trilogy, Rambo, the A-Team.

February's films: Tyler Perry's Boo! A Madea Halloween, Grease Live!, Jack Reacher: Never Go Back, Hacksaw Ridge.

My favorite: While I pretty much liked them all, my absolute favorite was Hacksaw Ridge. There is just something about that movie and Andrew Garfield's performance in it that left me affected and in awe for days.... weeks.... and even now. Tyler Perry's Boo! A Madea Halloween is officially my favorite Madea movie in existence- it cracked me up the whole way through, and Jack Reacher: Never Go Back let me continue to live out my eternal love for Tom Cruise (I can't wait to see his new movie- The Mummy- when it comes out). Least favorite of the month: Grease Live! It wasn't bad, but it wasn't the greatest, either.

February's re-watched from years gone by: Rolling Kansas, Ready to Rumble, Where the Heart Is, Black Dog.

March's films: Passengers.

My favorite: I don't really feel the need to tell you that my favorite movie of the month since there literally was only one new one.... but, if you're only going to watch one new movie a month, I would recommend one of them be Passengers. I don't know what people were so butt hurt about when the reviews came out, but I really liked it. Then again, Chris Pratt is my dude. #BrightAbbott4Ever Least favorite of the month: You don't have that problem if you only watch one and it's awesome.

March's re-watched from years gone by: Tenacious D: In the Pick of Destiny, Tremors.

April's films: Patriots Day, Beauty and the Beast (live action), Why Him?, Hatchet, Chernobyl Diaries, Split.

My favorite: While this was a hard choice, because so many of them from this month were great (remember, my opinion, people), I'm gonna have to go with Beauty and the Beast (live action). Why? Because it literally let me relive a piece of my childhood and it was amazing from beginning to end (read my initial excitement here). Patriots Day was amazing and heartbreaking, Why Him? was hilarious and every time I think that James Franco can't make a movie that I'll love more than the last, he proves me wrong, Hatchet was another one of those campy B+ movies that is hilarious to watch at two am when you're kind of drunk, and Chernobyl Diaries was a lot better than I expected (I really liked it and still want to go to the Ukraine). Least favorite of the month: Sadly, I'll have to go with Split on this one, even though I liked it. It wasn't what I thought it was going to be, but it was still good and a harsh look at the tragedy that there are people out there that suffer with things like DID.

April's re-watched from years gone by: Armageddon.

Documentaries watched: Matt Shepard Is a Friend of Mine, Oklahoma City. Tv Series I've given a go: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (I just keep watching this show over and over.... I love it!), Lethal Weapon (LOVE), The Walking Dead, Fuller House, Santa Clarita Diet, The Ranch, Young & Hungry, Breaking Bad, Drunk History, The Middle (#always), The Following. Stand-up watched: Gabriel Iglesias: I'm Sorry for What I Said When I Was Hungry, Kevin Hart: What Now? Tour.
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Friday, April 14, 2017

I was awake for over 50 hours.

While I would like to tell everyone that April has been a fabulous month (it has for the most part), and that everything has been 100% peachy keen since I last showed up around here, that would be just a bit of a fib.... fib, lie, whatever you want to call it. It's been pretty good, with one exception.... I had a toothache.


I have two molars one the upper left hand side of my mouth that have been giving me trouble for about a year (it all started with a wisdom tooth and shit only went more awry from there). Yeah, I should've already had them dealt with, but for the most part once I took a few ibuprofen they didn't bother me again for weeks or even months. Plus, dentists are EXPENSIVE. And I am POOR AS SHIT.

However, this past week has left me with an entirely new love for dentist offices that understand your situation when someone calls and tells them that you have been in writhing pain for the last two days and may actually go jump in front of a bus if it doesn't stop.

Both of those teeth started screwing with me on Sunday afternoon (a little before Momma and I went and seen Beauty and the Beast.... more on that awesome movie here). I took some ibuprofen.... and it didn't work. So, I took some more ibuprofen.... that didn't work either. For the next two days I was in a searing amount of pain that only got increasing worse. I'm usually pretty decent when it comes to handling pain. I basically just want to be left alone until my body heals itself with the aid of whatever random med that I'm taking. This time, it didn't go down like that.

I kept getting chills on Monday and by the time I headed home from work I'm pretty sure that I had eaten a half bottle of ibuprofen and my jaw was throbbing so hard that it was actually jiggling my eyeball. I couldn't sleep that night (and hadn't slept the one before it either), and by four in the morning I had already text both of my bosses to let them know I wouldn't be in that day and that I was going to the dentist as soon as I could get in.

I got in at 9:00 that morning.... and didn't get to walk out until after noon. 

I had the two molars removed (they deserved to go, traitorous bastards), found out that I did in fact have a bit of infection in my jaw (hence the chills/fever), lost I swear half of the blood in my body, and get to take a full round of antibiotics and pain meds. Well, I won't take a full round of pain meds, I meant the full round of antibiotics.

Most people ask, "why would you just want your teeth pulled instead of fixed? it's a good tooth! what if you have to have dentures in the future?!" To that I say, it's NOT a good tooth if the only thing that it causes me is pain and agony.... get that little Benedict Arnold out of my head!! How dare they betray me like this!! I take great care of them and they still revolt against me.... now I know how Marie Antoinette felt (except she was maybe not very nice). If I have to have dentures someday, you know what? Who the f*ck cares?! If it means that I'm no longer in pain then sign me up yesterday. I am literally trained in everyday self/health care (being a CNA for years helps with that), I think I can handle some dentures.... I GOT THIS.

And while I would prefer not to have fake teeth, I'm also not above it. I've always taken really good care of my teeth, but no matter how many times a day I brush, floss, rinse, and no matter how many vitamins I take and calcium/potassium I eat/drink, my teeth are just super frail. I guess it happens, but that doesn't make it suck any less.

So, there you have it. I had to miss a day of work, be in the most pain ever for about three days (it hurt for longer than that, but the ridiculous amount of pain didn't develop until Sunday evening), play the game of "how long can you actually be awake before your body gives up?" game, spend three hours in a dentist office, have a panic/anxiety attack (when he numbed the inside of the very back tooth it actually cracked and he said I went into a little bit of "shock" from the pain.... it's not cool, I don't recommend it), and get to throw up consistently.

Why? Because antibiotics + pain meds + not being able to chew/eat (empty stomach) = nausea. Do you know how hard it is to throw up when you have two holes in your mouth and can't hardly open it? If not, just know, it's extremely difficult.... and gross.
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Sunday, April 9, 2017

Beauty and the Beast. (Momma and I went and seen it).

As an avid lover of Beauty and the Beast for as long as I can remember, I have to say, this movie did the original proud. I loved it!! In fact, even though I currently feel horrible and like I might kill over at any moment (#toothacheprobs), I still wanted to go and see this movie.


And "Kid Katie" was very happy that "Adult Katie" made that decision.... because Beauty and the Beast is just something that I have loved for my entire life and get involved in anytime I get the chance. The animated version? Got it (originally on VHS and now on DVD). The play? Seen it. Live action movie? Go ahead and stick that one under my belt too.

And sure, in the animated version Belle was kind of whiny and may have had a slight case of Stockholm's Syndrome, but damn y'all, isn't it worth it to see that library and a dancing f*cking candelabra?! And if you think no, then I'm pretty sure that we can't be friends, because we can't possibly have anything in common and would probably hate each other.

This version made all of those little things that never made sense, but we just rolled with, make sense. Townsfolk forgetting there was royalty and a giant f*cking castle full of people hanging out a little ways away? Explains it. Why does everyone think Belle is so weird (it couldn't have just been that she could read!)? Got it. Why all of the servants got punished along with The Beast? It's in there.

And the musical numbers were incredible and the acting was superb and basically I just loved it (I was sad that the bird scene wasn't there, though). And when it comes out on DVD, I'm probably going to have to own it, because that's how great it was. I'd watch it repeatedly. And we (Momma and I) were both really excited to still get to share something like this all these years later.
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Friday, March 31, 2017

Our oven quit working like two weeks ago and we're getting a different one today, but I'm not going to talk about that at all.

Somebody sent me a text this morning that said "Happy Fri-Yay!" And now I'm pretty sure that we can't be friends anymore, because I seriously hate that. I don't know why, but I do. Also, a guy shared a post on Facebook this morning that said, "I may not be in Dallas, but I'm a Cowboys fan no matter where I am." I unfriended him immediately, because I don't have time for that kind of nonsense in my life.

Can you tell that I'm super irritated this morning? Not at anything in particular, but just in general. It's been raining for the last 15 hours or so, and while I usually don't mind, and even like it when it rains.... I was not geehawing with it on my way to work this morning.

Me + Rain + 6:00am darkness + not wanting to move this morning + not having enough caffeine and/or sugar = the Grumpy Cat version of Katie.

However, today is Friday (FriDAY NOT FriYAY), and I am leaving work at 2:00 this afternoon to run some errands and hide from the weekend and people early, so I am trying to perk up a bit and remember all of the things that aren't annoying me today.

So.... in the interest of living a completely honest life (ha!), I have decided to just go ahead and admit that I am a sarcastic asshole find my jokes way funnier than what they ever are. Seriously, I am one of "those" people that can't tell a joke or story to save their life, because they can't quit laughing in their own head (and out loud) long enough.

I don't know if my family and friends find this endearing and lovable about me.... or if they completely hate me for it, but either way, I'm old and set in my ways so they've managed to at the very least learn how to deal with it. (Side note: is twenty-seven really too young to be old and set in my ways? I think not.).

In fact, I was talking to a friend of mine the other day and somehow we managed to get on the subject of if I could pull off a beard or not. That's right.... a beard. And I'm pretty sure the whole thing got started, because he sent me a text to let me know that he met a guy at work that had a special comb/gel/balm/something for his beard and of course we were sarcastic about it, because he has had a full grown beard since we were like twelve or some shit like that.

And we weren't making fun of the guy or anything, but we did talk about the fact that there are plenty of trends these days that neither of us understand. I've always been a comfort over style type of gal (I prefer sweats, tees, and my boots above all else) and he's just a plain ole backwoods country boy.... needless to say, neither of us are exactly "trendy." And we're both (or at least, I am and I'm 98.6% sure he is) good with that.... so when someone throws a new "trend" at us, we're confused.

(Except I'm really loving the fact that "mom jeans" are making a comeback, because this gal right here- me- has a whole lot of booty to cover these days and "low rise" and "hip huggers" just ain't cutting it.... not that it ever really did).

Like, the fact that now men are growing beards (this isn't a new thing) and specifically decorating and/or using balm on them. Don't get me wrong, do what you want, but if you want me to explain why someone would want glitter in their beard and to hang ornaments from it, then I can't. As someone who participated in the god awful trend of "give me all the black eyeliner and glitter eye-shadow on the planet" in my teen years, I'm going to just put it out there.... we all regret it later.

Go figure, the one "trend" that I've ever participated in made me look like I should've been an extra on Showgirls circa 1995.
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Thursday, March 23, 2017

If you like Pina Coladas.

First things first. I am talking about the Jimmy Buffett pina colada song.... NOT the Rupert Holmes version, because apparently that's a thing? Even though, NO IT'S NOT. And what I want to talk about is how ridiculous (albeit, catchy) this song is.

No worries, I'm not a hater of Jimmy Buffet. (My entire family would disown me).

But you all have to admit that this song is a little ridiculous.... right? I mean, I can't be the only one that thinks this. The song is literally about a married couple that know absolutely NOTHING about each other, so they BOTH decide to have an affair by looking for someone in the newspaper that has similar interests such as themselves (and is probably going to be a victim by not knowing that the person they are dating is married), and as fate would have it they both show up to meet each other, because they answered the others ad.... AND THEN THEY'RE BOTH JUST TOTALLY OK WITH IT AND LAUGH TOGETHER.

How is that even possible? Do they not realize that not only were they about to commit an affair, but they also just found out that so was their spouse? That's not normal.... I mean, I know people cheat (you guys are assholes, stop it), but it's not everyday that they get caught and they all just laugh it off. Like.... huh?! You think I'm reading too much into this? (I totally am). Ok fine, we'll take a look at the lyrics.

I was tired of my lady, we'd been together too long. Yeah, that's kind of what happens when you decide to commit to one person. Like a worn-out recording of a favorite song. So, not only are you tired of her.... but you also make her sound kind of haggard? So why she lay there sleepin' I read the paper in bed. Because you wouldn't want to contemplate cheating while they're awake. And in the personal columns there was this letter I read. Also, because you were creepin' and looking for some side action.... in the personal columns!

Chorus: If you like Pina Coladas, getting caught in the rain. Rain is only sexy in the movies. If you're not into yoga, if you have half a brain. Anyone who took out a personal column to write this cannot possibly have a full brain. If you like making love at midnight in the dunes at the cape. The cape? Reealllyyy??.... I'm the love that you've looked for write to me and escape. No offense, but if they're answering this personal ad, they ain't looking for love, sweetcheeks.

I didn't think about my lady, I know that sounds kinda mean. Does it now? You have no forethought for your significant other? No, that doesn't sound like a dick move at all. But me and my old lady had fallen into the same old dull routine. You couldn't maybe just take up a hobby or go to the f*cking movies? So I wrote to the paper, took out a personal ad. Dick move. And though I'm no poet, I thought it wasn't half bad. Yes, definitely be proud of the fact you can rhyme while initiating an affair.

Yes, I like Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain. Again, RAIN IS ONLY SEXY IN THE MOVIES. I'm not much into health food, I am into champagne. Didn't anyone tell you not to drink alcohol on an empty stomach? Amateur. I've got to meet you by tomorrow noon and cut through all this red tape. Will your ad even run by tomorrow noon? Aren't you a little picky and impatient considering your current circumstance? At a bar called O'Malleys where we'll plan our escape. Escape? Dude, cool your jets, she might not even like you once she meets you.... she might think that you're very unattractive.

So I waited with high hopes and she walked in the place. You can't afford high hopes, you're an asshat. I knew her smile in an instant, I knew the curve of her face. She sounds too pretty for you. It was my own lovely lady and she said, "Oh, it's you?" Oh snap, I did NOT see that coming. Also, now she's back to your "lovely lady?" A minute ago she was a "worn-out recording." Then we laughed for a moment and I said, "I never knew." Huh?! Knew what?! That you weren't the only dirty cheater up in your house?

That you liked Pina Coladas and getting caught in the rain. You said you've been together for too long.... how do you not know what she likes to drink at this point?! AND RAIN IS NOT SEXY FOR NORMAL PEOPLE, DAMMIT. And the feel of the ocean and the taste of champagne. What does the ocean feel like? Luke warm and salty? I feel like she might get that when y'all sleep together.... and again, how do you not know what she likes to drink?!! If you like making love at midnight in the dunes on the cape. No one does this. You're the lady I've looked for, come with me and escape. You didn't need to look for her, and she didn't need to look for you, you both literally already knew each other!

-Chorus again. (**insert eye roll here).

Yes, I like Pina Coladas and getting caught in the rain. I'm tired of talking to you, bitches, about rain. I'm not much into health food, I am into champagne. I would definitely need a drink after dealing with either of you two. I've got to meet you by tomorrow noon and cut through all this red tape. There is no red tape, you guys have already seen each other naked! At a bar called O'Malleys where we'll plan our escape. Yes, all of the other patrons of O'Malleys want you to leave soon.

Do you see where I'm going with all of this? The point is, while it is a catchy song (so damn catchy), if you listen to the lyrics too closely and put too much thought into it, you are also going to be sitting there, like me, thinking.... what in the actual f*ck is even happening?

Cheers. (But not with Pina Coladas.... because gross).
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Monday, March 20, 2017

Pick a Headline: "Australian teenager mauled after jumping into crocodile-infested river for a dare."

I thought that I would try a new thing, where on occasion, I would choose a headline that I've read and it jumped out on me. I have to say, when I read this article from the "International Business Times" page, it definitely jumped out.

Mostly, because the only thing I could think was, "are you f*cking kidding me?!"

Synopsis of article: An 18-year-old boy bragged to surrounding friends (and girls that he was trying to impress) that he could swim in the treacherous waters of the Johnstone River.... that just so happen to be infested with saltwater crocodiles. Why do I bother with the saltwater part? I'm glad you asked, because saltwater crocs are known to be the deadliest out of all the crocodiles. Honestly, if you're going to have to contend with a croc, you better hope he's from West Africa, because he's the nicest kind.... you know, if that's a thing (it isn't).

My thoughts: Look, I know how it is to be a teen and want people to think you are cool. Not really, considering that I didn't like most people my age, BUT I can understand it. You know what the boys did when I was a teen and they wanted to impress a girl?

They revved their truck.

Or, they wrote you a sweet little note (and insisted that you tell no one that they copied poetry).

Maybe they even brought you flowers.

Or, gave you a ride home.

Sometimes they'd pick you up, drive to the middle of nowhere and have you dance in their truck-bed with them while they played country music.

No matter which of those things that they chose, never once do I recall any of them saying, "I have a great idea! Let's go jump into the riverbed.... THAT'S KNOWN FOR BEING INFESTED WITH ANY AND EVERY DEADLY CROCODILES."

Honestly, I would think most people with common sense would prefer the truck thing, because if you like a guy, you kind of don't want to see him hit the water, immediately start screaming bloody murder, have to drag him out of said water, drive him to a hospital, and then fill out a police report. Seriously dude, JUST GO PICK HER SOME FLOWERS.

While I'm glad that the kid is going to make a full recovery, I do hope that he has enough forethought in his future endeavors to not do something so incredibly stupid and reckless.... and that he uses common sense regularly.
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Friday, March 17, 2017

An Open Letter: To that boy.

I don't think anyone wants to write a letter like this. I'm not even sure that I want to write this letter, let alone publish it. And I very well might not.... ever. The only reason that I'm writing it in the first place is because you're stuck in my head, like you've always been so good at doing, and the only thing that I can think to do is to write it down to try and think about something else.

I'm not sure why you're in my mind right at the moment, but I'm sure that it has something to do with the fact that we've been talking.... not romantically talking (that ship sailed long ago), but just talking like us. You see, before there was ever any "tension" or "romance" between the two of us (teenage hormones, amiright?!), we were and still are.... friends.

And I love that about you. I love the fact that no matter how much time passes, or where either of us are in life, we always know that we can fall back on the other as a source of comfort. You said it best yourself: "all jokes aside, you have always been my favorite and forever will be, babe! we have had a lot of good times, and a few bad times, but have always stuck it out.... forever."

You've been in my life for so long that I don't even remember what it was like without you. You've been one of my very best friends since we were a couple of kids on the playground. You are the very definition of "sandbox love" to me. I believe that there are certain people that come in and out of your life, and no matter the circumstance or situation, those people stay with you wherever you go.

You are still one of the first people that I want to tell when big things are happening in my life, and the majority of my very favorite memories include you. You are most definitely the only person on the planet that can call me "babe" without me getting angry about it. You were never "some boy" you were yourself and to me, in a completely separate category from all the rest of them. They most certainly do not make them like you anymore.

We used to always say that there was a country music song for every area of our lives. We used to pick the songs and sing them at the top of our lungs and hilariously enough, they still remind me of you. Most people have a song that reminds them of someone, but I have a million. While it started out with this one, it progressed into this one, took a comical turn to this one.... simmered here, got increasingly dramatic here, always made you hold my hand at this stop, took another dramatic stop here, and lingered somewhere around here. And while we would like to say we ended up here, it would be more accurate to say there.

But no matter what, I always think about you here, here, (here, here), here and especially here, among so very many more.

There are many reasons that we didn't end up together. And while I won't go into it, and however much I hate to admit it, that's the way that it happened. All of those plans and theories that we had of all the places we would go and all of the things that we would see together aren't there anymore. The grand plan of "ending up together" and doing life together just kind of fell by the wayside and we became adults long before we should have.

Contrary to popular belief, I don't "blame" you for any of it. Obviously there were things that could have been different, but the chips fell where they did and we went from there. We both could have handled it a million times better and differently, but your rattled head and my stubborn pride got in our way.

Thinking about it all of these years later it makes me shake my head and chuckle. Because while I didn't get it then, I couldn't imagine how we could've handled it any differently than what we did. We handled it the exact way that we handle everything else.... stubbornly.

I could spend a lifetime reflecting on memories, and probably forever will.

To that end, I would just like to thank you. Yes, thank you. Thank you for giving me your coat all of those times that I was freezing; for letting me lay my head on your shoulder to sleep when I finally gave in; for pushing that kid in the dirt that pushed me into the dirt first and then going to the principals office with me when all three of us got into trouble (because I tripped the same kid when he tried to push you); for always knowing exactly when I needed to smile and making sure you did whatever it was that you had to do to accomplish that; for never admitting how horrible my hair was or mentioning when I got chubby; for teaching me how to drive in your truck.... and not being angry when I drove it into a pond.... twice; for being protective, but never trying to take my independence; for believing in fairytales even when I didn't and convincing me that they're still real; for always falling for my fake cry face and for teaching me how to throw a left hook; for all of the things that make you the boy that makes me smile with every thought and laugh with every memory. Thank you for being you, loving me, and being "that" boy.

For you being you, for me being me, and for us being us. Here's looking at you, kid.
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Sunday, March 5, 2017

When I was twelve years old.

I had horrible hair (look at the picture if you need to see just how bad it is.). A friend of mine (kind of friend? I haven't seen her in years and we weren't really close or anything) was going through some old drawers and photos a week or so ago and she found it. And by it, I mean look at this picture.

The girl who's photo it is is the gal wearing the orange shirt and glasses.... the guy is my friend Liz's big brother (and by big brother, I mean BIG.... I once seen a truck hit him and he stood up and moved the truck by hand).

He was real nice and I'm pretty sure it was Liz that took this picture (even though I totally forgot that it existed). The other gal is his girlfriend. But, while I think this picture is great (there's nothing like old photos), the most hilarious part to me is.... my hair.

Because #JeffFoxworthyHairDontCare .

Do y'all see why I am always talking about going through a hair crisis?! I have very clearly had a problem with this mop that I call hair FOR YEARS. You know how you find the people that for real love you and the ones that you should keep in your life?! You look like this and they stick around and still think you look ok. THAT'S HOW. All of the people that I consider my "true friends" have pretty much either seen me with this exact haircut or something equally as atrocious and THEY LOVE ME ANYWAYS. How, I don't know, but they do.

Can you believe that I actually had a boyfriend when I had this hair? I mean, not at twelve, but my hair wasn't much different at fifteen than it is right here (except my bangs were- thankfully- longer) and I had a boyfriend. Two actually. Not at the same time or anything, but I had a "boyfriend" (isn't it hilarious how we all said we had "boyfriends" when we were preteens, but we didn't even really talk to each other?!) in Tennessee and then one when we moved to Florida (don't worry, I talked to him).

Do you see why I don't wear bangs AT ALL anymore? I had huge bangs when I was in elementary school (thanks, mom) and I had these bangs until I was almost sixteen (again, thanks mom) and from sixteen to about twenty-four, I had side bangs. Now that I've finally gotten them to grow out (#thankful) I try to avoid any hairstyle that has bangs or could accidentally turn into them (I know you don't think that could happen, but trust me, it can).

Pale skin and Jeff Foxworthy hair (with a ginger hue). Clearly, I've always been quite the catch.
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Friday, March 3, 2017

My entire family almost disowned me.... for loving a Patriot.

(Aka, Rob Gronkowski.). With the exception of my mother (she has my back on this one), every single member of my extended family almost disowned me. Why?! Because my family are Indianapolis Colts fans through and through.... Momma and I are Pittsburgh Steelers fans.

While none of us are New England Patriots fans (seriously, over half of my family throw shit at the tv when the Pats are playing), I am a stone cold R. Gronkowski fan.

Say what you want, but that man is.... well, for lack of a better word, he's fine as hell.

Not only is he fine as hell (seriously, y'all), but he's also a big goofball and along with his foundation (Gronk Youth Foundation/ or as it's mostly referred to- Gronk Nation) raises awareness, funds, and spends a lot of time with kids that are having to live with a variation of illnesses.

What's that? Yeah, he looks like that, is hilarious, and he helps sick kids. Tell me again that my crush is unjustified. It's not. Also, he's pretty much a giant, which is even better. I don't know why, but it is.

The first time I had ever seen anything about Gronk, I didn't even know that he was a NE Patriot. Mostly because the first time that I seen him it was on a episode of Wahlburgers (if you're not watching that show, you're missing out) and he was so giant and goofy. It was pretty hilarious. And then he was on a episode of Ridiculousness and once again.... hilarity.

It's totally worth the majority of my family disowning me.
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