Wednesday, August 1, 2018

As someone who also thinks she looks like a bug.... get us a milkshake.

Y'all, this little girl coming out of her dentist trip is cracking me the hell up. I've never actually had an "anesthesia trip" but from what I can tell, it's just another excuse for your family to f*ck with you.

And honestly, who doesn't love that?!

Monday, July 16, 2018

I started using Sun-In.... even though I read a million scary reviews. *gasps*

First things first.... I used to dye my hair black every chance I got. And I'm not talking a little darker than my natural color. I'm talking full on jet black for YEARS. Sure, with my pale skin it made me look borderline Morticia Addams (and also, like I was maybe a sick person?), but I LOVED it and would probably still do it if my hair would hold any form of color. But it won't (probably from the fact that I consistently dyed it from the age of twelve through twenty-two without missing a beat).

So, here I am living my mousey natural hair color existence.

And you know, I never quite realized how much blonde my hair naturally had in it (again, because I hadn't seen my natural color since I was twelve), but here we are.

I figured that if I was going to have light hair for the rest of my life, I might as well have it a sandy blonde.... right?! The best way I could figure out how to do that (again, without dye/bleach, etc.) was to try Sun-In.

I've been thinking about trying this product since I was a young teen and my friend Amanda used it religiously (even though her natural hair color is already kind of a light bleach blonde?), but never did.

For years I had forgotten about it even existing, and honestly figured they had quit making it years ago, because as I said I remember it from when I was super young! But, then I saw it on the shelf at the store one day and decided to give it a go.

Before I did anything that "drastic" though, I decided to read up on some of the reviews and to say that there were a million "bad/questionable" reviews would be an understatement. Sure, there were a couple of good ones out there, but the bad almost had me running for the hills, clutching my hair with both hands like Buffalo Bill was chasing after me. And then I read a review from xoJane and she was honest in saying that it did dry her hair out/give her split ends, but that she got the color she wanted and was relatively pleased with her results (you can always use a shit ton of conditioner, hot oil, hair masks, leave in conditioner, etc. to help with the drying out!), so I thought what I usually think in situations where it could either go ok or end up in utter disaster....


This past Friday when Momma and I ran errands and stopped into the grocery store (aka, Walmart) I picked up a bottle of Sun-In (in the pink bottle- tropical breeze?) and so far I've used it twice. I also picked up a bottle of leave-in conditioner and a "hair treatment" (that I hate and am going to find something different), because of all the "dries your hair out" reviews out there. I didn't really notice that my hair was dryer, but once I re-washed it I did notice it was harder to brush out. I haven't noticed an overall difference in the color, but I have noticed there are a few spots that are really coming through blonder (since I have a lot of blonde in my hair to begin with).

But, like I said, I've only used it twice (and gave my hair a rest/treatment last night), so I'm sure I'll notice more soon.

And on a side note: I decided recently that it may be a good idea to "work out" my body a little bit, not for any purpose other than just to feel better, and I would like to go on the record of saying that my legs hurt SO F*CKING BAD. Seriously, it's only my thighs, but I feel like I may in fact kill over at any given moment. Can that happen?!

Friday, July 13, 2018

Halloween 2018. (The movie, not the holiday.... but also that too!)

Y'all they released the first trailer for Halloween last month, but I held out until right now to post it, because I felt like Friday the 13th was a good day to celebrate all things Michael Myers (and the horror genre by extension).

Jamie Lee Curtis IS BACK, BITCHES. And I don't know how I feel about the whole Michael Myers isn't Laurie Strode's brother anymore (because that bit of information wasn't released until Halloween II and this movie is taking place 40 years after the original). I always really liked that whole aspect of it, so I'm not sure how I'm going to feel about it no longer being there?

I also think it's going to be really hard to block out every movie aside from the original (I've literally been watching horror movies my entire life, so that's alot of information to let go of!), but I also have quite a bit of faith in Danny McBride and Jamie Lee Curtis, so I'm ready to give it a go.

Except, I'll have to wait until it comes out on DVD, because I'm too much of a chicken to actually go to the theater for almost every single movie (the last time I went was when we went to see the live action version of Beauty and the Beast and there's no telling how long it had been before that.... and I haven't been back since). But, still.... EXCITED.

Thursday, July 12, 2018

I can't find words and I need a very LARGE drink. *come on weekend*

It's that time of year where we all forget how freezing and miserable we were during the winter months and start complaining about the sweltering heat, because we just can't be pleased.

Personally, I prefer the winter, because I would rather put on an extra layer as opposed to sweating balls off that I don't even have. If I'm being perfectly honest, I would rather stay in the house 24/7 regardless of the season, but that's just me.

This day has been so stupid. And I say "day" but really it's been more like the week in general? Literally by Tuesday I was like, "THIS IS STUPID" and wanted to throw a mini temper tantrum that would make a three year old blush.

Mostly, my constant complaints and general annoyance can all be traced back to one thing....

WORK.... and you know, being a adult.

And not "work" in the "general sense", but "work" in the "NOTHING IS GOING RIGHT AND NO ONE WILL LISTEN" sense. You ever have those days? We're currently having one of those days.... for the past two weeks.

Oh, and my insomnia has decided to kick it's shit into high gear, because apparently sleep is for nice people that don't have a sarcastic sense of humor. Seriously, I don't know what's happening up in my head, but I've literally been replaying scenarios in my head for the past decade and honestly, I JUST WANT A NAP.... and in the interest of full disclosure, a really large beer.

Sure, all of this won't last forever (probably?), but there's no telling how long it will stick around. Even our email is broken.... just like our spirit. Ugh.... I'll stop complaining eventually.... maybe. You know what, I wouldn't count on it anytime soon.

Thursday, June 21, 2018

A beaver attacked my car while I was driving it. And no, that's not a euphemism for anything. *insert exasperation here*

This past week has been full of buillshit and "what the f*ck" moments, so I thought I would share a story that's even more bizarre than that for "Throwback Thursday." Except it's really not, because who in the hell gets attacked by a beaver while driving to the grocery store other than me?!

You know what, don't answer that. Moving on.

When I was about seventeen years old, a friend of ours (and I use the term "friend" lightly, because it's easier to say than "dude I couldn't hardly stand as we got older, because he became a real bag of d*cks" but whatever), wrecked his truck and tried to get away with the ultimate.

And it wasn't a bad wreck or anything like that, he basically just drove his big ass jacked-up diesel off a back road and hit a fence post. I don't think it even really did much past the point of scratching his bumper and barely denting his grill. The point is, he didn't get hurt and his truck was fine.

BUT he took this opportunity to do the ultimate.... he used it to call off his engagement (with his wedding weeks away).

BY FAKING AMNESIA. Apparently, his girlfriend had taken it upon herself to not only propose to herself for him, buy her own engagement ring (using his debit card that she swiped from his wallet), and plan the entire wedding and he literally just didn't even know how to get out of it. We all kind of wondered why he didn't just say something like, "look sweetie.... YOU'RE A F*CKING PSYCHO AND I'M NOT MARRYING YOU" but honestly, we all wanted to see the shit show play out.

Oh, and did it ever play out. It "played out" in the form of, he pretended to have amnesia.... but only when it came to her. So basically, he was fine and normal except he couldn't remember "her", the fact that he "loved her" or anything about their entire relationship. And we all sat there in disbelief waiting for her to call his punkass out for his bullshit and SHE NEVER DID.

She not only believed him and the entire story that he was spinning (with all of us rolling our eyes and being like "oh sweetie.... bless your heart"), BUT his plan hilariously backfired when she didn't let the fact that he forgot her and their "life" together drive her away, but instead decided to make him "fall in love with her all over again" and make sure it was "better and stronger than before." For weeks she reminded him with pictures and songs and by the time the wedding rolled around, she knew it was meant to be again.

Oh shit, did I forget to mention that part? My bad.... yeah, she totally never even called the wedding off. She did however change everything that he had originally said he wanted and told him it was because "he didn't really want it that way before his accident." And he couldn't dispute it, because then he would've had to come clean about the whole "amnesia" thing. (Which he did come clean to everybody else about seeking advice on how to get out, but once again, we had nothing useful to offer him).

You'll be happy to know that they just celebrated their ten year anniversary a couple of weeks ago and have two kids.... and she still tells the story about how they "almost lost each other" but through perseverance and love they "found each other and fell in love all over again."

And no, I didn't make this shit up. But, we all love to tell this ridiculous (and sadly, true) story.... he doesn't think it's funny.

Friday, June 8, 2018

In the words of Michael Kelso: *BURN* And also, *BUUURRRNNN*

Dude, I know that I should be one of those people that thinks you should let bygones be bygones and such.... but I'm not.

Look, I know that people make mistakes. And I truly understand that, we've all been there. Lord knows I'm not perfect and have never claimed to be, because it would be lying. I've made mistakes and I've done things I'm not proud of in my life (hopefully I'm not a horrible person, because I'm alone in this).

I think we've all been there at some point.

BUT, I have never set out to intentionally hurt someone- physically or mentally.

Except my brother, and that was self defense, because growing up with him was like being raised somewhere between backyard wrestling, boot camp, the middle part of Bravehart, and the battle of Helm's Deep.

With that being said, I can also completely understand the need for "revenge" of sorts. Especially when that "revenge" doesn't necessarily hurt someone, but helps you recover something in your own way.

A man in Minnesota, who was raised alongside of his sister by their grandmother, wrote an obituary for his biological mother. And he used that moment to get out some of the things that he had apparently been holding in for many years.

Now, I understand that ole saying, "you shouldn't speak ill of the dead" and my Grammy was a stickler for that one.... however, she also used to say that when someone treats you poorly, it's in your right to let someone know that. As someone who has been in the position of the one being hurt, I can sympathize with it. Did this obituary hurt someone who read it? Possibly. But isn't it perfectly reasonable that he has the right to say how he and his sister feel?

Maybe I'm wrong, but I think he does. And maybe the way he did it was tacky (I don't necessarily think so, but I know many people do), but then again, maybe that's exactly what he needed to do for he and his sister. We all get closure in different ways and maybe this was his. Personally, I don't think we all need "closure" I think we can come to it ourselves, and sometimes we don't even feel the need for it in the first place, because we literally don't even give two shits, but some people need a little help.

And I'm glad this dude got it.

Wednesday, June 6, 2018

I might actually be getting my face back.... that sounded creepy.

The day after tomorrow I have an eye appointment and I'm looking into.... contacts. Maybe... jury's still deliberating and such.

You see, I don't have good eyesight. In fact, calling it "poor eyesight" as my doctor says is "putting it easy." Essentially, my eyeballs suck and don't want to do their f*cking job. Apparently they're so "blue" that they're almost "translucent" and that's why I can't stand bright lights. I repeat, my eyeballs can't stand bright light, because they're "defective."

What. the. f*ck.... why won't you eyeball, eyeballs?!!?!

Moving on.... back in February 2017 I finally sucked it up and went to get glasses, because I was driving regularly, and lord knows I watch too much tv (#noregrets), and basically it got to where I couldn't even do my work right, because I couldn't see it and ugh being an adult is hard.

I had to get giant framed glasses, because I've tried to get used to wearing small frames before and it never works out for me. That's why I've never stuck with my glasses (that I've needed since I was probably around fifteen?), because I just kept staring at the frames and couldn't break the habit and get used to them. And of course, I would rather see than look decent, so I was all #1: I'm getting these big f*cking glasses so I can function and #2: I don't need contacts, I'll just wear glasses all the time, it makes more sense.

Apparently I didn't think that through all the way. It's not so much about the way they look (we've even had our good days in the look department together), but sometimes they're just terribly inconvenient. And I feel like contacts would be a nice thing to have around. And I could even maybe wear my eye makeup again (but I wouldn't count on it, because lazy).

Don't get me wrong, I'll still have my glasses to fall back on (with my allergies it would be dumb not to make sure I had another option in case my eyes are screwy from pollen and such), but for the most part I would like to see my face again. Although, it will be weird to get used to, because I've literally had it partially covered for over a year (a year and four months?) now.

Wish me luck. Not for the touching my eyeball part, because that doesn't bother me AT ALL, but for the price part. Because trying to see, because your eyeballs won't work right is frustrating.... and expensive.

Monday, June 4, 2018

Tayder has a new brother.... and I don't know how we feel about it?!

Yesterday (6/3), Tayder got a new little brother.... that's already taller than him. And it's a working progress.

Momma has been saying for a while that she wanted to get another dog. She wanted a puppy that we could raise up and train and she wanted to make sure that he was a bigger breed of dog.

Personally, I didn't want another dog, as I'm perfectly good with just having my Tayderbug. But, she wanted one that will get bigger and she'll feel more secure with a larger dog.

And naturally, I can't tell her no for shit. I swear, that lady can literally talk me into just about any damn thing. Her: "Katie, you wanna move to Antarctica and live off off whale blubber for the rest of our lives? I really want to." Me: "Sure, Momma." And then next thing you know, my bitch ass is moving to Antarctica.

Ever since Momma's emergency surgery last July, every time we have to leave the house, Tayder freaked the hell out. Like, he's got anxiety worse than any person that I've ever seen. And I get it, how could he not have anxiety after an ordeal like that (I know I do), so she also thought that having a "companion" for him would make him feel more at ease when we have to leave.

Since we both left at 6:00 this morning, I guess we're about to find out.

We rescued (I hate saying "rescue" because it's like I should be Batman or something) a pit mix from the Humane Society yesterday and he's not quite five months old yet. The choice was between him and one other little guy (named Pete), but I was pretty nervous about Pete, because of Tayder. I don't mind adopting an older dog (Tayder was older when I got him), but I said we had to make sure that it could be a good match for him.

His name is Sparty (technically Spartacus) and the poor little guy was covered in poo and urine (he wasn't allowed to be out on their grounds, because he's under six months and they've had an issue with parvo in the past) and malnourished. I gave him two baths when we got him home (his tail and paws are still dyed yellow, but they're improving!), gave him a flea treatment and rubbed him down in baby powder (for the smell). Now, we just have to get some weight on him.

He's pretty timid and playful, and as I said, as long as Tayder is ok with it, then there's no problem whatsoever. Also, I had to get him a crate (I've NEVER crated a dog before in my entire life), because the place that had him suggested that it would be a good idea until he's "adapted" more for when we have to leave the house. He actually slept in it last night (he walked into the crate without me even saying anything.... maybe it's a security thing for him right now?) and we let him and Tayder run the yard a bit this morning before I had to leave for work and drop Momma off at Aunt Poot's and then he went back in since we had to leave.

We're not going to be crating him often, but it probably is a good idea for now, at least until we can get his belly under control (poor little guy has diarrhea and I think it's a combination of anxiety and not getting proper "care" before).

You know what I've learned in the last like eighteen hours? I've learned that I had completely forgotten what it was like to have a puppy in the house. It's an entirely different ballgame and I am striking out big time. But, I'm trying, Momma is trying.... and Tayder is helping me out (he shows his support for me with kisses and love).

So, wish us luck on this next adventure of ours. I think we're gonna need it. #AdoptDontShop

Thursday, May 31, 2018

Our one year anniversary.... I should've known there'd be a fight.

Last weekend was Memorial Day (I mean, I guess technically only Monday was Memorial Day making it just Memorial Day weekend?) and we decided to celebrate it down at Aunt Poot & Uncle D's, per usual.

I should also probably tell you that this month I celebrated an anniversary. A milestone of an anniversary (am I using that right?) that I like to call "our one year together in happiness." That's right, May made it official.... I've been in my current relationship for more than a year now and I'm not even looking for an exit strategy.

Oh yeah, my one year anniversary is with Ricardo, by the way. That's right.... my car.

And no, I'm not in one of those weird "car relationships" like that psycho on My Strange Addiction, but I would be lying if I said I didn't love Ricardo (again, not in the creepy way).

We've been through alot together, he and I, in the short amount of time that we've known each other. And I'd like to think that we've grown with each other and accept one another's flaws. When we first met I was so terrified of driving and there was definitely some give and take (mostly I took and he was patient) getting back in the groove of things.

Now, we're practically two peas in a pod and happy together. Sure, we have our fights and little tufts.... I treat him like a truck (ie: hauling random shit and stuff like that) and he gets back at me by locking me outside while he is RUNNING and I have to have someone with way more street cred and experience than me to break into him, but for the most part, we're in this together.

Here's to a year, little dude. Let's keep going strong! (Like seriously, please keep going strong for YEARS UPON YEARS).

Tuesday, May 29, 2018

Memorial Day weekend: 2018. The good, the bad, and the sleepy.

I would like to tell y'all that this Memorial Day weekend creeped by and went off without a hitch. I would like to say that getting off work at 1:30 last Friday made all the difference and it feels like I haven't been to work in FOREVER.

I would love to tell you all of that. But I can't.... because that would be a lie.

Y'all, it literally feels like I just walked out of here and I'm not even sure where the last three days went?! I know that there was alot of yard work, waking up early, cleaning, being incredibly hot/sweaty from the heat/humidity, a cookout and general randomness within those days. But, you could've fooled me, because I was so damn busy all of that just kind of runs together and I'm like whaaa???....

I had a masterful plan of not doing anything and ended up doing the exact opposite of that.

I mowed grass on Tuesday so I wouldn't have to do it for awhile.... but ended up mowing it on Saturday. I planned on taking a whole day "off" and not doing anything at all.... and ended up pulling weeds, dealing with the garden/plants/flowers in the front and back of our house, picking up trash, and removing an entire small tree from our fenceline (and it was a bitch).

Honestly, there was just alot happening and I may or may not have pulled a shoulder muscle.... the jury is still out on that one.

Oh, and on Sunday during our annual Memorial Day family cookout (at Aunt Poot & Uncle D's), we were getting ready to leave and I accidentally locked my keys in my RUNNING car. Not only that, but I'm pretty sure that my family reminding me of it is going to be a daily thing for a long while. (Lots of "don't forget to take your keys everywhere when you get out of the car at all times!" happening). Luckily, three guys come over to hang out with my cousin and one of them with a somewhat criminal/shady past got my car unlocked for me and we didn't have to call anyone or break anything! Thanks, dude!

Basically, it was nice to have the time off, but it just seemed like there wasn't enough of it! Then again, there never is.

And now?! Back to the old salt mines for four days. (Side note: I fixed Momma's wheelchair yesterday, so score one for the home team! I had to take one whole side apart to fix the arm, but it's fixed now!! Just call me MacGyver).

Tuesday, May 22, 2018

World Goth Day is apparently a thing now?! Are we sure about this?!!?!

Y'all, they literally have a day for everything now. There's a "National Grilled Cheese Day" and "International Talk Like a Pirate Day" and are we really doing this? Is this where we're at?

If it is, I'm ok with it, because why in the hell wouldn't we want to have random days to just make us happy by celebrating random shit like "National Kazoo Day" and my personal favorite, "National Hobbit Day."

With all of that being said, apparently May 22 is "World Goth Day" and it's a day to celebrate all things "goth."

Do you like vampires and black and about every single weird stereotype that you can possibly think of (including but not limited to: heavy metal music, black eyeliner, pale skin, and probably chains, but I'm not really 100% on that one?!).

I wasn't what you would consider "goth" at any point in my life. I'm more "redneck" than anything I think, but I have always loved the color black. And yes, it's a color and don't say it isn't because it makes me want to kick you in the face.

My friend B. Davis always likes to say that I like my eyeliner as black as my soul and she's not far from wrong. Sure, I don't wear a whole lot of it now, but that's just pure laziness not a lack of love. Between the ages of 15-22, I didn't leave my house without a shit ton of black eyeliner on. My hair was always a mess and my clothes were "hoboish" at best, but damn did I always have that eyeliner on. Now, I'm simply just too lazy and get hot way too easily to deal with it.

When I was sixteen though, my highschool sweetheart had a thing for black too. Like, a real thing for black. He always wore black from his t-shirts and sweatshirt (the same sweatshirt.... that he always wore even though we lived in hot ass Florida and I almost had a heatstroke every single day) down to his bondage pants (yes, you heard me right) and shoes. Although, I'm pretty sure I remember his socks being white? I could be wrong though.

Anyways, usually people get a bad "rap" (did I use that right?) when they wear clothes like that (because people are a bag of dicks and assume shit that isn't even true), but literally any person that met him would know that his clothes might have been dark and weird, but they certainly didn't match his personality (he was exceptionally sweet) or the rest of him for that matter (he had baby blue eyes and blonde hair), he just liked the color black.

Because again, THAT IS A COLOR.

In honor of "World Goth Day" I shared a "throwback" photo of myself (at sixteen) when I decided to mess around and wear my boyfriend's clothes. Literally everything that I'm wearing in the picture was his (with the exception of the shirt.... it was mine) and clearly we all thought that we were way cooler than we actually were. (And by "we" I mean me, him, my friend Noodle, and her boyfriend).

Twenty-eight year old Katie just couldn't help but to call sixteen year old Katie out.
Oh, this is too hilarious.
Happy World Goth Day, y'all!!

Wednesday, May 16, 2018

I may very well fall over dead from a variety of possibilities.

Y'all, remember when I mentioned that I had been doing a shit ton of yard work? Yeah well, yesterday may have killed me.

And not to be dramatic or anything (yeah, ok), but I'm pretty sure that this is never gonna end and I may or may not join the Witness Protection Program (ala Joyce and Crabman).

Don't get me wrong, I don't mind doing maintenance yard work (I don't particularly like it, but I don't hate it either), but whoever lived in our house before us was a real asshole when it came to "keeping things up" in the yard department (ie: they didn't).

The house was ok (I'm assuming whoever was selling it probably had to fix a few things when their tenants moved out?), but the yard is (or I guess, was?) a damn disaster zone.

I did our front flower bed when I got home from work yesterday (the big one that I removed bushes from on Sunday) and the side of our house and in the process dug up a ridiculous amount of shit. I actually dug up four wire brushes. FOUR. Who in the hell buys four wire brushes in their entire lifetime let alone within a small amount of time just to bury in a flower bed? Is there some kind of urban legend or superstition that I don't know about?!

Also, I think I may have pulled something in my right shoulder/neck (so.... schneck?!), because it hurts and burns, but it could also be because my entire body is sore and I feel like I've been hit by a truck. A really big one at that. There's also a ton more to do and while I know it has to be done and I want it done, I have absolutely no desire to do any of it. Especially today, because I am tired. And I know that's not an excuse and things "still have to be done even though you're tired" and I'm not the only one that gets tired, I really ain't feeling it today.

My feet are swollen and my body hurts. Basically, I want to go home, put on comfy clothes, drink booze, and watch tv. Will I get to? Probably not. Do I really want to? Hell yes.

Side note: This humidity is killing me and my hair (and I want to chop it ALL off BAD). Tayder understands me.

Tuesday, May 15, 2018

Why I wear two rings on "that finger" without being married.

I recently got asked on social media if I was "engaged" or "seeing someone special" because in a picture I posted, you could see two rings on "that finger" and people started freaking out. And by people, I mean some of my friends that should've known better (no worries, most (ie: my best ones) did.... they know me far too well to not know why I have those two rings).

I don't wear jewelry. I used to wear quite a bit of it when I was younger (I'm talking three necklaces, two arms full of random bracelets, earrings all the way around- about thirteen piercings in each ear, three to four rings, and a belly button ring AT A TIME AND MINIMUM), but once I started working at the nursing home I took all jewelry off except earrings and belly button ring. Then, I took out the earrings.... and last year I decided it was time to say goodbye to the belly ring (because a belly ring is a young gal's game, and this Katie ain't young no 'mo) and took it out, leaving myself pretty bare.

And that sounds kind of dirty, but I swear isn't.

I'm also pretty adamant about liking the fact that I'm single and have absolutely no desire to be married.... EVER.

When I was around sixteen/seventeen, my high school sweetheart got me a necklace, one of his rings that I wore (that had a giant skull, because we were too cool for our ow damn good), and a promise ring (it was beautiful and you couldn't pry it from my cold little pale grubby hands), that I no longer have (the sweetheart or the ring), and other than that, I've never worn a piece of jewelry for a purpose until now.

You see, I wear my jewelry for the same reason that most people do (no, not marriage).... for the sentimental value that it holds.

The "waterfall" ring that I wear was originally my Grammy's. She had worn it for years and gave it to me when I was eighteen years old. We were really close and I'm not sure why she chose this ring (she had a bajillion at one time) or me to give it to, but she did, and I love it for that reason. I'm not a "fancy" kind of girl, so if it wasn't sentimental, I wouldn't wear it. Plain and simple. And even though I've had it since I was eighteen, I never started really wearing it until about two years ago (remember, I couldn't wear rings when I was a CNA), and found my jewelry box while unpacking.

The second ring, I wear behind the "waterfall" ring and it's a cross inside of a heart/flat band. You may think that I wear this ring for religious purposes (I don't), but I actually wear it, because it's my Momma's. She wore this ring throughout the majority of my childhood and probably still would if she could. We found it a few weeks ago when we ran across an old box while going through boxes to get rid of/store things and I've been wearing it ever since (with her blessing/permission). This way, I always have a little piece of both of them with me at all times (because all of the personality traits, sarcasm, and attitude I get from them apparently isn't enough).

And I wear them together on "that" finger for two reasons.... because it only takes up one finger and that's the one they fit.

Monday, May 14, 2018

So.... much.... damn.... yardwork. Can I get a beer or something after this?!

Y'all, it's that time of year when you are forced to come out of your holes and prepare to see the sun and be out in the ridiculous notion of society. Sure, we all complain about the cold all winter long, but aren't we still a little sad when the time comes to see people again?! Especially when there's so much sun and shorts and shit like that involved?!

No?! Just me?! Moving on then.

When we moved into our house back in December, I knew that there was going to be alot of yard work to take care of come warm weather. Sure, we're all prepared for "maintenance" but there were things that were going to have to be done before the "maintenance" portion could set in.

There was trash to clean up, brush to be burned, weeds to be yanked, bushes to be removed, flowers and vegetables to be planted, and I probably could've cut/trimmed the yard even though I just did it on Thursday. (P.s. I didn't do it again.... yet). Also, there's some "refiguring" that's probably going to be done at some point, but I guess we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. Or not.... we'll decide then.

Out of all the things that were done yesterday, I'm going to say that I'm probably most happy that those ugly bushes out front are gone. And that's really saying something, because the brush/stone/firewood piles were a giant pain in my ass (and my trunk is a literal mess from hauling shit away). Luckily, Aunt Poot decided to take the brush (and bushes) to her burn pile for me. Score!

It's been a long few weeks.... but I'm good with it. Mostly.

Thursday, May 10, 2018

Ash Williams is officially retiring.... and I'm in mourning.

On April 20, 2018 the show Ash vs. Evil Dead was cancelled and Bruce Campbell has officially retired.... the character of Ash Williams. Bruce Campbell himself isn't retiring (I don't think?), but he is retiring Ash Williams. RIP Ashley "Ash" Joanna "J" Williams. *insert all the tears here because I'm in a glass case of emotions!!*

I would be lying if I said this didn't make me a tad emotional, as I have loved Bruce Campbell nearly my entire life, and Ash Williams by extension. Some of my funniest memories with my friend Rachel (and her brothers) involve this character and he's the entire reason that I watched all seven season of Burn Notice (although, I did end up loving it for itself later).

Even the name of my blog is tied to an inside joke/story pertaining to this. And while I will continue to watch Bruce Campbell in all things (I'm a big fan), it's just a little sad to know that "Ash Williams" is "officially retired."

Do I know this? Yes. Can I accept this? I'm working on it. It's harder than it looks and I may cry a little.

Bruce Campbell released a statement to let all of his fans know this and try to let us all down easy like when you tell someone who asked you to the prom no:

"Good people, Evil dead fans everywhere, I bid you a heartfelt farewell playing Ash- the character I took acting lessons with for 39 years. I am hereby retiring from that portrayal. It's time. I followed Ash from his formative years thru his mid-life crisis and decline. What a thrill! What a privilege! We had a great resurgence with the help of Stars (kudos not jeers, folks). They made it possible for 15 more hours of Evil Dead-ness in your life- the equivalent of ten more features! Is Ash dead? Never. Ash is as much a concept as a person. Where there is evil in this world, the must be one to counter- man or woman, it matters not. Thanks for watching. Love, Bruce."

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go cry, eat fourteen tacos, drink three bottles of wine, and reenact his most iconic lines.

Wednesday, May 9, 2018

What's been happening lately? Seriously, I've been busy and want to know.

Y'all, it's been a long couple of weeks and I am 157% dragging ass. It probably doesn't help that I'm also trying to fight off some kind of weird head/chest cold and allergies combination, but that is neither here nor there. (It's just that time of year).

I don't even know where to start really, and I'll probably end up stopping even before I get everything out (because as I said: dragging ass), but we all pick up and keep trucking along, BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT WE DO.

Momma's had a few appointments lately and I've been taking her since Aunt Poot is currently down from having eye surgery (it was yesterday and she's doing pretty well considering somebody just stuck a laser and knife in her eyeball). We went to the wound clinic last Friday (she hit her foot on her wheelchair a couple of weeks ago and while it looked pretty superficial and I was cleaning it, we still wanted to go to a professional, because better safe than sorry.... learned that lesson the hard way last year) and luckily (knock on wood) the nurse confirmed that it was superficial, but still bandaged everything up and put a compression bandage on to help with the healing.... we go back this Friday for the follow-up appointment. She's been a pretty good sport about the whole thing.

And yesterday she had an appointment at her nephrologists, because she's been holding an excessive amount of fluid and since she has kidney disease, we went there to hopefully figure out what's going on and get her some help, because there's so much fluid that she's miserable. He ordered blood work, we have to schedule an ultrasound to be on the safe side, and he gave her some lasix to help.... her follow-up appointment is at the end of July.

Then there's all of the yard work. The incredibly large amounts of yard work that seem to not diminish no matter how hard I work at it. Luckily, I'm almost done with all major things (everything for the most part is planted, random wood pile is hauled off, almost all of the random cement block pile is gone, and I'm working on the big ass brush pile).... I'm not sure who lived in our house before us, but they couldn't keep a decent yard to save their lives. It's been so damn trashy and alot of work. (Side note: our second storage shed is supposed to be delivered sometime next month and they deliver/install it so silver lining!).

And all of that on top of the usual go to work, clean house, cook dinner, do laundry, and all of the other random thing that we adults have to do and here I am.... sleepy and ready for a Netflix binge (that I probably won't get until maybe next winter).

All in all, I'm good with it.... but a girl can still be ok and tired!

Thursday, May 3, 2018

My brother did that shit on purpose. *we'll never stop being six and ten*

Last weekend, I planted my "garden." And I say it like that, because when I say "garden" I mean I only planted a few things, because I didn't actually want to put A WHOLE LOT of effort in. You say kind of lazy, I say I know what I'm gonna do and it ain't that. So, I only planted things that I liked and wanted to deal with.

Which included: six tomato plants (because I apparently need six different varieties of tomatoes?), red cabbage, lettuce, onions, yellow peppers, and herbs (rosemary, english thyme, cilantro, sweet mint, flat leaf parsley, and lavender).

I've never tried to grow herbs, but I figured since I had been gardening pretty much my entire life (vegetables that is, not flowers.... I kill all plants that aren't vegetables), I could at least give it a go. (My entire childhood in Tennessee we had a GIANT garden every single year that fed us throughout the Winter months).

A couple years ago at the house we lived in before the one we have now (you know, after that whole brief "I'm homeless" period after deciding to buy a house instead of rent), my brother was all, "let's have a garden!" And I initially agreed, because he said that he would help me with all of it from start to finish.... like a dumbass, I believed him.

Needless to say, I ended up doing the entire thing from start to finish BY MYSELF (although, he did eat the veggies out of it and complain that "they weren't up to his girlfriends standards"). Seriously, he did NOTHING in the way of helping with ANY OF IT. The next year, he wanted one and I simply said, NO, and when he tried to convince me how much he would help and what his "plans" were, and all of that nonsense, I was like BYE FELICIA. And we didn't have one (because, I didn't do it and he surely wasn't going to).

Besides, he's only at our house two weeks a month (it's a very confusing custody thing or something and don't even ask, because even I don't really know), so he helps with very little. (And yes, I'm allowed to talk all the shit about my brother that I want.... because you didn't have to grow up with the little Damien-reincarnate).

Anyways, so I planted my "little garden" in the flowerbed directly behind my house (because I'd rather have veggies than flowers that need round the clock maintenance.... and again, I kill flowers), because that seemed like the PERFECT place to have one. It has shade, but also gets sun and it was pretty cleared out to begin with.

And it is perfect.... especially since I haven't seen my brother even go near those flower beds. Until Saturday after I planted all of my stuff. I hadn't been done planting for TEN MINUTES before he was walking all up in that flowerbed ("just because") and I had to tell him to get the f*ck out of it before he walked on my plants and he informed me, "I'm not gonna hurt these f*cking plants" and then I had to tell him to get his baby out of the flowerbed and he screamed, "he's not gonna hurt anything in that flowerbed!!" and I had to inform him that he may not, but if he picks up a rock or piece of mulch and sticks it in his mouth, he'll get hurt. I mean, he's got a little throat and he's TRYING TO EAT ROCKS.

I'm pretty sure he thought I was making shit up at that point, but I wasn't trying to be an asshole, I had just literally taken like four things out of that kids mouth that day. He literally puts EVERYTHING in his mouth and I feel like that's a nasty little habit.

The point is, after my brother made this big "I'm not gonna hurt anything, damn you're such a b*tch, Katie" speech, I went out to water my plants later that afternoon and realized that he had not only stepped on, but completely DEMOLISHED my cilantro plant. Like, it looked like he stepped on it, moved his foot around, and then scraped his shoe over it. "Not gonna hurt anything" my ass. This is our childhood all over again, and I can already hear Momma shaking her head at us.

So yeah, I know he did that shit on purpose.... he'll deny it, but he did. And now.... I'm off to plot my revenge.

Wednesday, May 2, 2018

Because I'm a giant musical dork: The Greatest Showman.

Back in December (2017) I mentioned that I wanted to watch Hugh Jackman/Zac Efron's new movie: The Greatest Showman.

And while it would have been nice to watch it in the theatre, I have an irrational fear of theatres and therefore we only go in the middle of the day (Sunday matinees) and only if I REALLY can't think of watching it any other way. Our last theatre trip was for the live-action version of Beauty & The Beast and we haven't been back since. And it had been YEARS before that.

So, I did with this what I do with many.... wait for the damn DVD and then watch it in the comfort of my own home.

And wait I did.... until I rented it from Redbox on Monday night. In my defense, I worked all day (that usual Monday through Friday life), cut grass, cleaned all of the stuff off our back porch (and set it out for heavy trash pickup.... even though now I have to pull it into the garage, because I got the dates screwed up), cooked supper and cleaned the house. And that was all before 6:00 pm.

Basically, I was on a f*cking roll.

In case you've been thinking about watching this, or you haven't really thought about it at all, I'm gonna go ahead and tell you WATCH IT. Watch it now or later or whatever, but definitely make sure you watch it at some point. It was awesome and the soundtrack is definitely on point. (That's slang, right?)

Also, I think we're all very comfortable admitting that the best part of this movie is badass Zendaya and Keala Settle (Zac Efron is pretty cool too). The guy that this was based off of (PT Barnum) might have been a real POS in life, but the movie version of him is only kind of a POS. Not too mention, Sam Humphrey is hilarious. Watch it.... soon and later.

Tuesday, May 1, 2018

I think we're basically just skipping Spring.... but maybe not?! Who knows.

Y'all, this weather has been insane for the last few months. While it stayed relatively warm until October, (at least warm by my standards), the weather hasn't been able to decide what it wants to do for the last couple of months.

Sure, we all expect the Winter weather to be insane with a mix of snow, sleet, hail, ice and such (welcome to the Midwest), but it seems like it's been back and forth. Some days have been so cold that you couldn't even feel your face while you were inside of your own house, some were warm and you didn't even need a jacket, and others it felt like we were all gonna drown. Oh, and let's not forget that a few mornings when I went to work (I leave between 5:30-6:00am) it was fifty some degrees and then on my lunch break it was snowing and had dropped thirty degrees.

With that being said, it's been getting a little warmer for a week or so and today it has hit 80.... then again, it's supposed to rain for the rest of the week starting tomorrow, so I guess we'll see. (It's probably gonna be hot as balls for the next eight months).

Either way, I'm glad I got my grass cut yesterday. (No worries, this was before I cut it and it was tall as all holy hell).

Monday, April 30, 2018

2018 films. (Part I).

I started a tradition back at the end of 2016 suggesting all of my favorite films that I would recommend that I had viewed throughout the year. This evolved into three consecutive lists in 2017, detailing the movies that I viewed (spanning four months at a time), which ones were my favorites, and the ones I would steer clear of again.

I figured I would keep that tradition going, because believe it or not I actually enjoy doing it. And I think that we can all agree that we don't do enough of the things that we do like versus the things we have to do that we don't necessarily like. Make sense? No? Just follow along, you'll catch up.

Speaking of catching up: Catch up: from 2016.

Catch up from 2017: Part I, Part II, Part III.

January's films: 47 Meters Down, The Disappointments Room.

My favorite: While I only watched two "new" movies in January, it was still an easy decision and that decision is.... 47 Meters Down. That movie is literally my very worst nightmare/every single panic attack crammed into 85 terrifying (for me) minutes. Least favorite of the month: Hands down.... The Disappointments Room. I could have only watched this movie and it still wouldn't have been my favorite from the choices. I don't know if I was just expecting too much from this? (I was). But it was disappointing for me.

January's re-watched from years gone by: The Heat, Red Dawn (2012), Odd Thomas, Conan the Barbarian (2011), Shrek, Terminator: Genisys.

February's films: Tyler Perry's Boo2! A Madea Halloween, IT(2017), The Open House, The Ritual, Before I Wake, Flatliners(2017), To The Bone, When We First Met, The Collection, Guardians of the Galaxy: Volume 2, A Lonely Place To Die, Bushwick, The Factory.

My favorite: It is definitely hard to pick a favorite for this month, because I watched so many great ones! If I had to choose one though, I would have to go with.... The Collection (holy shit, that's hard to choose!). Least favorite of the month: This one was very easy, because every movie I watched was fantastic except one.... The Open House. I thought it was going to be great (the previews and cast had great promise), but it was awful!

February's re-watched from years gone by: You know, I never really thought about it, but I didn't watch one "repeat" movie this month. Only new ones!

March's films: Tucker & Dale vs. Evil, Hush, The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 2, I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry, Erased, The Conjuring, Game Over Man, Fantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them.

My favorite: Even though I watched quite a few good ones, I'm gonna go with.... Tucker and Dale vs. Evil. Mostly, because it cracked me up so much that I watched it twice. Although, Hush is a very close second, because that one definitely got me! Least favorite of the month: This one would have to be.... Erased. While I love Aaron Eckhart and it wasn't a "bad" movie, I just prefer him in the role of "President Asher" instead of "Operative."

March's re-watched from years gone by: The Descent, Bad Boys, The Fault In Our Stars, The Hills Have Eyes 2, Lara Croft: Tomb Raider, Snakes on a Plane, Gangs of New York, San Andreas.

April's films: Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle, Clinical, Bonnie and Clyde (2013), El Camino Christmas, Nacho Libre, True Memoirs of an International Assassin, Wonder, Vincent n Roxxy, The Iceman, Jigsaw, The Cobbler, The Week Of, The Last Witch Hunter.

My favorite: Almost every single movie I watched in April was great. Seriously, it's really hard to pick a favorite for this month, but I guess if I had to choose, I'd go with.... Wonder. Dude, that was way harder to pick than I realized. If you ask me, I'd say watch them all!! Least favorite of the month: Probably.... Nacho Libre. It was kind of funny, but it's nowhere near my favorite Jack Black movie. It was probably my least favorite of the month? And definitely the only one I had doubts about. Well, that one and Jigsaw. The rest I LOVED.

April's re-watched from years gone by: 50 First Dates, The Do Over, Armageddon, Fried Green Tomatoes.

Documentaries watched: none.... because I'm a loser like that.

Tv series I've finished: Grace and Frankie (S4), Hawaii Five-O (S1-7), Burn Notice (S1-7), Breaking Bad (S2, S3), Santa Clarita Diet (S2- twice).

Tv series still on my queue: New Girl, The Walking Dead (I'll never get to finish this shit), Shameless, That 70s Show, Dexter, Bates Motel, Supernatural, Friends, Slasher, American Horror Story, The Vampire Diaries, Penny Dreadful, The Mist, The Killing, Longmire, The Punisher, The Originals, Hart of Dixie, The Blacklist, Taken, Peaky Blinders, Alexa & Katie, Spartacus, The Frankenstein Chronicles, Dark, Haven, Mad Men, Lost Girl, Bitten, Breaking Bad (I may never get to finish this shit either), Frontier, Ash vs. Evil Dead, Young & Hungry, Baby Daddy (I'm still putting off watching the last three episodes of the series, because I'm sad they cancelled it).

Side note: We totally watched Wrestlemania 34 on Sunday, April 8, and I forgot how much I actually loved watching that kind of stuff with Momma and my brother. It was a good one! Except for the Triple H/Stephanie McMahon/Kurt Angle/Ronda Rousey match.... that one was just 157% dumb and you could tell it had all been fixed to make Rousey seem like she was the shit (she's not). No one believes for a second that she's so amazing having never wrestled before (because I don't care what anyone says, UFC, MMA, and Wrestling are all completely different) that she could take down a couple of seasoned veterans that have done this for years. I reckon they just spent too much money on her (I've heard different things ranging from a $8 mil- $12 mil contract, but I'm not sure exactly what it is) to not have her winning.

Stand-up watched: Dave Chappelle: Equanimity & The Bird Revelation, Ralphie May: Imperfectly Yours, I'm Brent Morin, Ralphie May: Unruly, Kevin Hart: What Now?, Ricky Gervais: Humanity, The StandUps (only the Brent Morin episode).

Friday, April 27, 2018

Short hair don't care.... if only it was that easy to just go with it. *hrmph*

Obviously, a woman can look attractive with short hair, but can she "feel" it? And not for anyone else, but for herself?!

Hi, my name is Katie and I'm.... very dramatic when it comes to my hair.
Hi Katie, welcome to the never ending cycle of hormonal decision making just because you're a woman.

I've been talking about cutting my hair alot in the last few months (I plan on donating to Wigs 4 Kids- if you also want to donate, find information about it here). Actually, I've been talking about how much I "wished" I "looked decent" with short hair for two or so years, but that's neither here nor there.

I have no idea as to why I'm so indecisive when it comes to my hair, especially since I don't even "fix" it (I haven't "styled" my hair since last November and the hairstylist did that.... I haven't done anything except wash, brush, and pull it up ever since and I couldn't tell you how long it had been since I "styled" it before then), but I'm assuming it comes from the fact that I've always had a love/hate relationship with it. Not too mention, I've been through quite a few "hair woes" in my lifetime. The good, the bad, and the ugly isn't just a Clint Eastwood movie.

Also, I have Level 6 (I don't know what that is, but it sounds important and/or terrible!) Trauma concerning my hair that I can trace all the way back to third grade and my arch nemesis. (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!)

Honestly, I blame Kaley Cuoco for this. I've been thinking about chopping all of my hair off since she made me think it was a good idea (four years ago!). But do you know the downfall to all of this? I could literally get the exact same haircut and I wouldn't look even HALF as cute as her. It's annoying.

I think I'm basically just going to talk about it for the rest of my life, but never get the courage up to just go do it. Then again, maybe I'll just do a bunch of shots and head straight to the beauty parlor (usually I would say hairdresser or something, but I think it's sad that we don't say "beauty parlor" anymore). That would maybe work out in my favor? I mean, gray hair is already on the horizon, so I might as well make a change right now.... right?!!?!

And if that's what happens, I'll just have to remember why I did it in the first place. Wish me luck.... and send whiskey.

Wednesday, April 25, 2018

People are cracking me up over the third royal baby. *so. many. jokes*

This past Monday (4/23), Kate Middleton gave birth to the third royal baby (and by third royal baby, I mean her third one, because there are a kazillion royals apparently?) and the internet was buzzing with excitement and in awe.... and y'all there were so many jokes. Not mean jokes, but hilarious ones!! (Even though I'm sure somebody had to be mean at some point.... ass).

In fact, I'm fairly certain that the entire point of someone announcing anything about "the royals" are just to see how many jokes we can all come up with. I mean, remember back in November 2017 when they announced that Prince Harry was finally ready to settle down and would be marrying Meghan Markle? (And also, she's a catch, good choice, Harry).

There was nothing different about it this go around and I decided to share my favorite post that I have seen where someone was talking about the fact that Kate Middleton looked like a f*cking Queen (and she's not, she's a Duchess.... and there's a difference?) seven hours after giving birth, leaving the hospital with her hubby, surrounded by thousands of people. And this is my favorite, because even though I don't have children (and have no plans to ever have them), I know that I wouldn't take childbirth like the Duchess.... I would take it like the author of this little "article." No doubt about it.

Side note: My new favorite way to refer to "lady bits" is by calling them "whisker biscuits".

And here she is, for the third time, stunning, all smiles, with her royal whisker-biscuit busted all to hell. 8 hours after shitting a watermelon, Princess Kate (for the record, it's supposed to be Duchess, but whatever) is in full hair and makeup, standing precariously in high heels in front of a hospital, hoping her goddamn industrial strength pad doesn't slip, confident that the red dress she picked will mask any potential bloody mishaps.

Once again I am in awe of her composure, because after my third vaginal crochet job I could do little more than waddle to the shitter and occasionally spritz the injured area with a numbing solution amid hisses and gasps of pain.

I certainly did not drag my fat ass to a stairwell in shoddy mesh panties to present my vagina trophy to the world nor did I grin charmingly for an army of cameras.

Fuck that noise. I wriggled into the loosest pair of already stained sweatpants I could find, snuggled my new baby and winced as the afterpains ravaged my shrinking reproductive organs. 

Congratulations to the royal couple on their new, beautiful crotchfruit. All hail the prince. And of course, the royal mimsy.

That shit is tip top. -Just the Tip. (I don't know the author's real name, but this is what was signed to it when I read it).

Tuesday, April 24, 2018

Fried Green Tomatoes.... and yes, that's an acceptable meal. *yummy*

Most people that know me (or at least, know me well) knows that I LOVE Fried Green Tomatoes. The food and the movie.... and probably the book. Fannie Flagg knew what was up and knew that I needed Idgie Threadgoode to guide me.

There's nothing that happens in my life to where I don't question how Idgie Threadgoode would handle it. A kind of "WWID" type of situation. Luckily for me, Idgie was just about as dramatic as I am and we relate to each other in alot of ways. (And I say "we" but mostly I just relate to her!).

I often find myself quoting the movie (Towanda!!) and the fact that Idgie made me feel like it was ok to be a "tomboy" has bleed through to my entire life. Did Idgie care what people thought about her hair or clothes? Hell no. Do I care? F*ck that. We are both comfort and practicality over fashion and expectations.

Speaking of quotes, I also call Momma my "bee charmer" and if you've never seen the movie, that won't make any sense to you.

I don't remember how old I was the first time I watched the movie, but I know I cried (no matter how many times I watch it, it always makes me cry), and laughed uncontrollably.

And with it being one of my all time favorites ever (and that's saying something, because I watch/love a bunch of movies.... the 90s were just a good time for film and if anybody tries to tell you any differently.... get rid of them), it had been FAR too long since I had gave it a go.

Having realized this, I knew that I had to make it right and found my DVD copy to pop in (and then realized that I must love this movie, because I own three copies of it.... quit judging me). And just to let you know, it's just as amazing as what I remembered.

"Why did you go with Idgie Threadgoode?" "Because she.... she's the best friend I ever had, and I love her."

Monday, April 23, 2018

Podcasts are ruining my life and cracking me up. *get on board with this*

**the podcast "The Habitat" lets us know that it takes up to twenty minutes to send/receive each message from Mars to Earth**

Danielle: Did they just say that it takes twenty minutes to send/receive a message to/from Mars to Earth?
Me: Yeah, that's what the guy just said. That's so weird to think about.
Danielle: It's not weird.... it's infuriating.
Me: Ok.... why?!
Danielle: It takes twenty minutes to communicate between Earth and Mars and I literally can't even get the internet in my house to work 90% of the f*cking time.

Friday, April 20, 2018

Somewhere between a cupcake and a nervous breakdown.

One of our sales reps brought cupcakes into work today and Danielle wanted me to split one with her (because apparently she wants to be healthy and have self control or something? weird), so that she wouldn't be eating a whole one by herself. (But, she should've because they were delicious.... but we both agree that "red velvet" is just chocolates copycat cousin).

That got us talking about when people usually start thinking about their overall health and begin changing their eating/exercise habits. I kind of assumed that people started really paying attention to that kind of thing in their mid-thirties, but Dani crushed me dreams and a little piece of my soul (thanks, dude), by informing me that people really start with all of that around thirty.

What. the. actual. f*ck.

She then told me that since I'm creeping up on thirty (I turned twenty-eight two months ago) that I would probably start trying to "get a handle" on everything, because your body just automatically becomes more aware of its age.

That's when I was forced to tell her that I've literally been eating like a six year old my entire life and there's absolutely NO WAY that I can reign that shit in within two years. She laughed and was like, "oh Katie, it can't be that bad" and I had to admit that there were sour gummy worms in my purse as we were having this conversation.... she just shook her head and laughed, because she knows that I'm a lost cause (for the most part). Either way, I don't foresee me "reigning" anything in.

And Dani, just remember, the closer I creep to thirty, the closer you creep to forty. Cheers.

Wednesday, April 18, 2018

Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom (and pure excitement from me).

Everyone that knows me well, knows that I love me some Chris Pratt. It started way back when he was Bright Abbott and continued to grow throughout the years. I've always thought that he had way talent than what they let on and that he deserved much more praise than what he received.

Finally, in 2014 everyone else caught up with my way of thinking. I don't know what took them so long, but I'm glad we're finally on the same page.

It all started with Guardians of the Galaxy and progressed to star roles in Jurassic World, Passengers, The Magnificent Seven, and so on and so forth. Personally, I always believed that he was leading man material (I reiterate: Bright Abbott), but apparently people needed him to get buff instead of a little chubby (what's wrong with chubby? NOTHING, THAT'S WHAT), and then people started to pay far more attention to his everyday life (including having their hears collectively ripped out when it was announced that he and Anna Faris would be divorcing and we all lost faith in humanity).

Aside from that though, the fact that he has some amazing and hilarious (he can do serious too!) movies under his belt would be an understatement. Even when he has a small role, he took every scene that he was in, in my opinion. Things only seem to be keeping strong in that department for him, and I couldn't be happier about it if I tried.

The final trailer for the Jurassic World sequel (Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom) dropped today and I have to say, it looks awesome and OF COURSE I'm going to be watching it. Even if it's only for Chris Pratt to drop hilarious character lines (even though that's not the only fantastic thing about these movies).

Owen Grady: "Just remember, if I don't make it back.... you're the one who made me come here." The man cracks me up.

Tuesday, April 17, 2018

I fell asleep at 7:43 pm and when the hell did I get this old?

I've been fighting a head cold for about a week now and it's not going so well.... if you don't believe me, ask my migraine.

I'm currently drinking a Coke, because apparently I have a minor addiction problem with caffeine? That's up for debate (no, it's not), but I decided since I've already tried ibuprofen and allergy meds, it was worth a shot.

Speaking of allergy meds, I took a double dose of some last night (this head cold is getting the best of me), and while I used to be able to stay up for days on end with nothing but Mountain Dew and sure will, I took those meds and passed out on the couch.... at 7:43pm.

Party girl, I am not.

Not only did I pass out at 7:43pm (along with Tayder, because he's sleepy round the clock with me and Momma, because she's had to take meds too), but I apparently started sleepwalking again and made pudding (the kind that you cook), turned off our heat (it was 58° when I got up this morning), and text Danielle in a panic, because I woke up at 8:03pm (yes, only twenty minutes later) convinced that I was late for work.

I kind of remember that part? All I remember is I woke up in a panic (I do that pretty often.... it's the result of ongoing insomnia and night terrors), seen that there was light outside (this whole "time change" thing ruins my life at least twice a year), and text her "Dude, I 157# overslept. I just woke up, I'll be there asap." Needless to say, she was very confused and about a minute later I had to send her a follow up text that said, "And never mind, because it's f*cking nighttime. Sorry, I dozed off and woke up really damn confused."

You'll be happy to know that she was both extremely confused and cracking up at me at the same time. And no, I don't know what "157#" was supposed to mean. I'm assuming I meant to say 157% (I'm dramatic), and hit the wrong button in my haze.

Now I just want to go home, eat, drink wine, and watch Netflix. (Which is coincidentally what I always want to do).

Friday, April 13, 2018

Horror movie remakes.... the good, the bad, and the stupid.

(A good horror fan always celebrates Friday the 13th). The thing that most people know about me is that I LOVE horror movies. And by "most people" I mean my close friends and family, because ain't nobody needs everyone to know their love of horror movies. I watched Scream (and all of its sequels), Randy Meeks wouldn't steer me wrong!

Personally, I go by Randy's advice when it comes to horror movies, because he kept it simple, to the point, and only had three rules for each scenario. While I liked Scream4 just fine, they had seven in depth rules and that's just too much for me.

What's your favorite scary movie? Bitch, please.... don't answer that!

Most people that love horror movies as much as me (or any genre, for that matter), don't like when people do "remakes." They feel like it takes something away from the original and "tarnishes" it.

I'm pretty much the exact opposite when it comes to something like that, because I love remakes. I love remakes and sequels and basically everything that you're supposed to "hate" about movies. I don't think it takes anything away from the original and in some cases may even be better.

Case in point: A Nightmare on Elm Street.

The original came out in 1984 and not only introduced us to a baby-faced Johnny Depp (thank you!), but also brought to our screens Robert Englund in his most terrifying role to date. Freddy Kreuger is legendary in the horror community and he is beloved (in his own way) as such. Sure, he's a psychotic, sociopathic, razor-clawed, literal nightmare of a paedophile.... but as I said, legendary. When 2010 rolled around the "remake" was released and I decided that I was going to watch it in the theatre. Sure, I had been terrified of Freddy my entire life, but my rationality said: "I'm not a kid anymore. I'm a twenty year old grown ass woman, I can suck it up and do this." Yeah.... it wasn't even five minutes into the movie and I was on the dude next to me's lap (thanks, random stranger that dealt with my crazy) with my fingers covering my eyes. Why?! BECAUSE JACKIE EARLE HALEY IS TERRIFYING AND FREDDY KREUGER IS A LITERAL NIGHTMARE. Alot of people hated the remake, and I get it, I love Robert Englund too.... but I LOVED the remake. To me, it made sense and gave me information that I had always been wanting concerning the story of Freddy. Plus, the cast? Yes.

Second case in point: The Evil Dead.

The original Evil dead movie was released in 1981 and is quite literally one of my very favorite movies in existence. Ever since the very first time I watched it (and my friends and I loved it, but for one reason, because it was set in rural Tennessee.... where we lived and were raised) I have had mad love for Bruce Campbell and will watch anything having to do with the franchise.... including the 2013 remake (except it dropped the "The" like the rest of the franchise after the first film).  (And let's not even get into how much I LOVE the Ash vs. Evil Dead tv series). Sure, the 2013 remake didn't have Ash Williams (aka Bruce "Katie's been in love with me since she was eleven" Campbell), but it brought something else to it. Something out of this world creepy and squirm in your seat gore (I literally have to look completely away from the screen during like five scenes of the movie). The original was scary in its day and to an eleven year old me still was.... but the remake? Oy vey. Besides, Shiloh Fernandez can definitely hold his own in any movie. I love the original, but find the remake to be insane (in a good way), as well.


(As told by Randy Meeks, Scream) Rules for surviving a horror movie:

1. You can never have sex.
2. You can't drink or do drugs.
3. Never, under any circumstance, say that you'll "be right back." Because you won't be right back.

(As told by Randy Meeks, Scream2) Rules for surviving a horror sequel:

1. The body count is always bigger.
2. The death scenes are always much more elaborate.
3. Never, ever, under any circumstance assume the killer is dead.

(As told by Randy Meeks, Scream3) Rules for surviving a horror trilogy:

1. You've gotta killer who's gonna be superhuman. Stabbing him won't work, shooting him won't work. Basically in the third one, you gotta cryogenically freeze his head, decapitate him, or blow him up.
2. Anyone, including the main character can die.
3. The past will come back to bite you in the ass. Whatever you think you know about the past, forget it. The past is not at rest! Any sins you think were committed in the past are about to break out and destroy you.

(As told by Robbie Mercer & Charlie Walker, Scream4) Rules to successfully survive a horror remake:

1. The death scenes have to be way more extreme.
2. Unexpected is the new cliche.
3. Virgins can die now.
4. New versions are always 2.0, so the latest technology is always involved and integral to the plot. This means the killer may start filming the murders.
5. You have to have an opening sequence.
6. Don't f*ck with the original.
7. If you want to survive in a modern day horror movie, you pretty much have to be gay.


Honorable mentions: The Crazies, Fright Night (#RIPAntonYelchin.... it's still heartbreaking to me), Halloween, Dawn of the Dead, The Hills Have Eyes, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, House of Wax, Friday the 13th, The Last House on the Left, Thirteen Ghosts, My Bloody Valentine, Black X-mas, Prom Night, The Fog.

Thursday, April 12, 2018

Don't just remember today, remember with a piece of you.... everyday.

I read somewhere today, that "thirty-one percent of Americans, and forty-one percent of millenials, believe that two million or fewer Jews were killed in the Holocaust; the actual number is around six million. Forty-one percent of Americans, and sixty-six percent of millennials, cannot say what Auschwitz was. Only thirty-nine percent of Americans know that Hitler was democratically elected."

What I take away from that, is that we are apparently teaching and learning about the wrong things these days. How a moment in history as monumental and appalling as this is "being forgotten" or "fading from memory" is happening, I will never understand. How have we let something like this "go"? Sure, moving on must be done, but forgotten? I call bullsh*t.

Sadly, how the world seems to be going these days, it's entirely unsurprising to me. Appalling, yes. Shocking, no.

Nina Weil, 71978. But always, more than a number.

With that being said, today is a day of remembrance for those lost and/or affected from that horrible time. And it is because of them, that we must keep remembering and hoping and knowing and fighting. The next time you make a decision that affects more than just you, remember, this began  the same way.

Be kind. Think it through. And never forget.

Wednesday, April 11, 2018

I watched the movie Wonder and it ruined my entire life. *so many tears*

Y'all, I am not one to admit that I have feelings. I like to just be overly dramatic and emotional and tell people that I don't have feelings, even though we all know I'm lying. It's been a good system that has served me well in life. (And by "served me well" I mean it has totally blown up in my face on way more than one occasion).

While I'm pretty decent at hiding my everyday emotions from the outside world (ie: to everyone that isn't around me a semi-daily basis), the fact of the matter is, if you watch a movie with me (or let's be honest, even a commercial) that pulls at my heartstrings (and those kinds of movies seem to be more frequent the older I get?) chances are, you're going to see my crazy in full effect.

With that being said, I wanted to let you know that I watched the movie Wonder and it was literally just 113 minutes of me crying my eyes out. There were so many tears involved that I was probably creeping into dehydration territory (but then again, that's probably the dramatic part of me taking over).

There were tears for literally every single emotion that you can think of and I cannot stress to you how amazing this movie is and how much you should watch it. I should also probably warn you before you go any further, minor SPOILER ALERT.

While I originally went into the movie thinking it was going to be a bit like the 1985 film Mask (I was told this by someone, but can't remember by whom), I quickly learned that was not the case. You see, in Mask the genetic disorder that the main character suffers from is: Craniodiaphyseal Dysplasia. In Wonder, the little boy has Mandibulofacial Dysostosis. And while you can look at the photos and it may seem like it's around the same thing to an individual such as myself that is not educated in the medical field, they are actually quite different things.

I'm not going to give too much away (hence the "minor"), but I do have to say that once you think the movie can't possibly get any sadder.... the elderly family dog gets sick. And while I wanted to stop watching it a couple of times, because the cruelty you realize some people inflict on others, just because they're "different" is so disheartening, I didn't and finished it through. Because I'd like to believe for every cruel person that is running around out there (and let's be honest adults are the worst, but children can be little shits too), there are two more kind people to tip the scale back.

Wonder. Watch it. Watch it now.... and probably/most definitely bring tissues.