This house feels weird and this week is off and what the hell is that noise?!!?!

First things first... did y'all know there was an elite Twinkie out there hanging out? It's banana and apparently, they were a limited time supply. I bought three boxes the last time I found them... and really should've bought the other two as well. Because they are DELICIOUS and now, I can't find them anywhere. I feel like Tallahassee... because nobody wants a f*cking Snowball! Where's the (banana) Twinkies?! I got beef with Hostess after this- BRING EM BACK!

Next on the list... y'all this house feels CRAZY. It hasn't felt like ours really since we painted everything but now it's really off. Everything's essentially packed up and the only rooms we're using are the living room and bathroom (and the corner of the kitchen where I have my computer set up) because come Friday, we're OUT. Like... BYE INDY kinda out.

With it being empty and basically all traces of us removed, it echoes something fierce. It's an old house with good bones... so with nothing in it? You can definitely hear everything. Perfect for if you don't want your little hoodlums causing a ruckus at the back half of the house. You'll be able to hear it and shut that shit down real quick.

We're living on a diet of essentially pizza (shout out for that spicy chicken bacon ranch!), potato chips, coffee, and soda. And I can tell. I've gained probably six to seven pounds recently and not in a good way. It's all bloat from grease and soda. Instead of a good "I gained some healthy weight" it feels very gross and blah. I can't wait until we're home free and down South because Mama is saving up for some barbeque and boiled peanuts! Protein and hearty food is where I need to be... get some damn energy or something. Because right now? EXHAUSTED.

We keep joking that this is no longer our house and we're basically just hanging out in the Airbnb. Might not be the full truth, but it definitely feels the most honest. We're just here to touch up paint and clean the fridge and tub and then we're out. Oh... and cut the grass one more time. Gotta, make sure we do that. 

So yeah... shit feels weird right now, but we also know it's another piece of the transition phase and we're here for it. But this week in this house? Weird.

Also... I would just like to put it out there that since becoming a remote employee... I've learned that it really is people themselves that cause all my anxiety issues. Being home, doing my job and calling it a day? That's where it's at. I'm hopeful to keep this job for a very long time but I'd be lying if I said I felt one hundred percent secure. I'm as secure as can be (again, another post for another time because I really do like this position!) but I don't know if I'll ever feel it one hundred percent again after my last company. 

So... me and my family are enjoying it while we got it and riding the wave. We're in a very "what will be, will be" stage in our lives. (There's so much to catch up on, but I only have so much attention span).

Shout out to the universe- the Glissons are gonna be South soon!

Through dark and dust (and bullshit) here we are. 😶

Remember when I said we had one more trip to FL before our final because I had a meeting in March? 

HA! HAHHHHHAHAAAHhahahaha..... hahahahahahhahaha...... HA!!

One more trip, my ass. We never made it to my meeting in March. Oh, we tried... of course we tried. But the universe wasn't having it and decided to throw us a curveball. And by curveball, I mean... shit got real awful real quick and bitches were about to have a nervous breakdown. 

It's me... and my husband... we were those bitches.

Let's back up a bit. We've been preparing and trying to get things situated so we could make our big move to FL. It's been a... process. While we had planned on being out no later than early February (again- HA!) things kept happening that set us back and it was like with every one step forward there were three back. EXHAUSTING isn't even a strong enough word for it. 

But we figured, go with the flow and do our best. And our best consisted of one more meeting trip before the move. Were we happy about making the trip and then having to turn around and do it again a few weeks later? No. But were we willing to do said task? Absolutely.

And that got us stuck on the side of the Louisville bridge in the middle of the night in rush hour traffic. Yeah, you read that right. There we were, the Friday before my meeting (with every intention of reporting bright and early Monday morning) broke down over two hours from home with our babies in the car. And that's where the nightmare started.

Our Bronco completely died... like we were in the fastlane and all the sudden my husband looked me deadass in the face and said, "our car just lost full power." Not what you want to hear at any point, let alone in that situation. He managed to get us across the three lanes of traffic and to the shoulder, but we were still at the top of the bridge. Was I helpful? NOPE. Why? Because your girl has a thing about bridges and every horrible thought, I could have possibly had happened. I blame all the Final Destination movies of my youth, but I digress. 

It should've just been inconvenient, not life altering. Afterall, we have full warranties and roadside assistance. Guess what? Didn't help AT ALL. Not only did Ford Roadside Assistance leave us high and dry in the middle of the night on the side of the highway but when my husband managed to get our car to a hotel and then to a willing dealership it still was horrible. 

I called multiple people to come pick us up (we were over two hours from home) and was met with variations of "sorry, busy, I have plans" or they didn't even bother to answer. Finally, I got ahold of my brother, and he agreed to come pick us up if we gave him gas money. Fair, it's a rough economy. But then, we had to leave our car at that Ford dealership in Sellersburg for a week for repairs and they did... nothing. Like, absolutely 100% nothing. They cleared the code on the car and then parked it for a week after assuring us Ford would handle it. They didn't. 

We had to go get the car the next weekend and drive it the two hours back dying and revolting the entire time (dangerous, much?) and take it to the dealership where we bought it. They got us in and got us a loaner vehicle (something no other dealership we talked to or the Ford "case manager" helped with) and they had it for a week to do all the repairs it required.

Apparently, it had a recall for the battery (that we never got notice of), needed an update (again, something we weren't notified about), and the fuel pump had to be replaced. Three incredibly important things that needed handled before a catastrophe that we were left in the dark about. Don't get me wrong... cars will be cars. I know that and accept that and understand that a car can have an issue after fifteen miles. I get it. HOWEVER, vehicles are NOT cheap and when you pay the fees to have the service and warranties and you are not only NOT made aware of issues but then you're left stranded on the side of the road with your entire family in the middle of the night in a $50k car that has 26k miles on it after doing EVERYTHING right, you tend to get a little pissy. At least, I f*cking did. 

I love my car... but at this point I'd damn near get rid of it just so I never have to deal with Ford customer service EVER again. The Ford "Case Manager" I had was assigned to me and called on Wednesday (remind you, this happened on the previous Friday) to tell me she was off Thursday, didn't return my call on Friday and couldn't help me come Saturday. She did absolutely nothing helpful or offered good advice and we were not helped until we got it to our dealership and they handled it all. Needless to say, case mangers? A F*cking joke.

Thankfully, we got Trudy back. And she seems to be in good spirits (thanks you mechanic Nick!).

But... that whole situation definitely broke us in spirit. It was disheartening to find out where I stand to everyone close around me. My SIL/BIL were already figuring out what to do with the kids and loading up because they were not about to leave us on the side of the road. They were going to make the nine-hour trip... but some people I called couldn't even be bothered to make the one-and-a-half-hour trip. Really lets you know where you stand with who... that's all I'm saying.  

At that point, we were broken and sad and just f*cking over it. So... I decided to liquidate some shit, we got rid of a bunch more shit (my brother and the scrappers in our alley have made out like bandits), and we scheduled to have movers take our shit.

Why? Because we want out and there's literally NOTHING keeping us here anymore. It's hard to sell a house when I work remote (ie: always home) and you have two pups, so we're clearing out and it's going on the market next Monday. They dropped off our containers last Friday, we packed them up this last weekend, and they'll be picked up this Thursday. We'll be sticking around so I can work on Friday (I took off Monday) and then we're heading out to our new life come that evening.

And we CANNOT f*cking wait. Since I get to stay a remote employee, it opened up some possibilities and we're going to the little town we originally wanted. We'll be staying with Dev's dad until our house is built/ready and then life will be lifing. We're all so damn excited we can't wait. 

We're ready for this life change and are ready to leave all the negative behind. This experience/transition has been eye opening and devastating and exciting and all the things... and it's time. It's time for Katie, Dev and their pups to be South. 

Keep your fingers crossed for us... we're hoping for the best and forcing our way through. This time next week... hopefully I'll be knee-deep in house plans surrounded by peace and quiet... and hopefully some barbeque. And for the love of all that's holy, pray this house sells quickly so we can just be DONE with Indiana altogether.

There so much more I want to talk about... I'm hoping the next update has all sunshine and roses to share. (Work is going really good- but that's for another time). But like I said, this is where we are now. Still playing the waiting game... but with a deadline in our sights. And it can't come soon enough.

What is it called when you're feeling Bittersweet and Jacked to Jesus?

It's officially here. Today is my last day at my current job. Come 3:30 this afternoon, I will no longer be employed with the company I have put my heart and soul into for going into fourteen years.

And it is... bittersweet. 

I wouldn't know and can't seem to find the correct words to describe what I'm feeling today. Sad for sure... but in a nostalgic kind of way. Yeah, I never planned on leaving and I love my job... but I'm here now and we have to part ways. 

Onwards and upwards and such... right? I don't know... I'm sad and overwhelmed... emotional to say the least. But... I'm also excited and nervous and... well... for lack of a better word... pumped. I'm sad to see this chapter of my life come to a close but I'm excited to see where it will take us.

A few people have asked me how I'm feeling and the closest thing I can come up with is it's like when you're a kid and you have to transfer schools. You're scared and nervous... maybe even a little upset it has to happen. But, then you accept that it does in fact have to happen and the emotions become overwhelming.

That's what it feels like... even though it's much more serious... though it feels equally as serious when you're a kid.

So yeah... feeling somewhere between Stand By Me and Mad Max. 

Honestly, I'm pretty sure I'm feeling the most sad about leaving Dani and losing my routine. I'm not gonna lie, at the end of the day and at the risk of sounding like I have emotions... I love her. She's done so much for me as a person and I'm gonna miss having that reassurance of her at my back. The good, the bad, and the ugly... throughout it all, we've been through it side by side for years. I hope we still have a relationship after I'm gone, but this life and change can't guarantee me anything. So hopeful, but resigned. Furthermore, I know this job, I can do this job, and I'm used to this job. I'm confident and capable when it comes down to it.

But after today and come Monday? I'm starting fresh. New. Somewhere completely different with a new atmosphere and a completely different team. It's a shock to the system to say the least. But... I'm excited. Sure, it's pretty likely I'm gonna have to look like a nerd when I go into the office (I can't wait to play that Clark Kent life- ha!) since it's a completely different environment, but it's a change and a challenge and I feel up to the task.

Do I feel like there's going to be a learning curve? Do I think it's gonna be hard and stressful and overwhelming? YES... to ALL of it. And then some. But... I'm also jittery about it. I've been itching for a life change for a very long time. To the point I can feel that shit under my skin. While this is very much not the way I envisioned making the change... I'm also not mad about it anymore.

It literally is what it is and we are moving forward with it.

At high speeds. Screeching tires. With music blared and the windows down. 

I don't know what the future holds. I don't know if I'm gonna succeed or end up living under a bridge. I honestly just don't have answers right now. But, what I do have is an amazing husband and two wonderful furbabies that make life worth stumbling through and that depend on me. I have determination to see this through and find our way to the life we want to live. I have the will to be happy and peaceful and live a beautiful life surrounded by happiness.

I'm thankful for the time with my company. I've grown and learned and gave it my all. But now, it's time to say goodbye, set down my title, and walk away with some dignity and grace. 

So... no... I don't know how I'm feeling. Because I have all the feelings. But, I know that change is here and I'm bracing for impact with Dev, Sparkles, and Steve at my side. 

Because come this afternoon... LIFE IS DIFFERENT.

The beginning of the current craziest week of my existence thus far.

Y'all... your girl is about to have a mental break. SNAP. Kaput. I'm somewhere between I absolutely CANNOT do this and LET'S F*CKING GOOO. It's a very strange and humbling space to be in. 

This is my last week at my current job. As in... the company I have been with since I was twenty-two years old... the company I have spent going on fourteen years with... the company that took me from being a surviving kid to a surviving adult... that company. It won't be the company I work for come 3:30 on Friday afternoon. THIS FRIDAY AFTERNOON. JANUARY 09, 2026.

And I am not ok. But... I am ok. Does that make sense? No, not really... I guess it wouldn't.

I'm not ok because it's a big change. It's emotional and in a way... devastating. I've put my heart and soul into my current job and built it into what it is today. It quite literally didn't exist before me and I was hired for something completely different. But... over the years we've grown and adjusted and I've managed to form this career out of pieces. And... I'm proud of that. I feel accomplished because of that. At one time, I even felt valuable because of it. I know everyone is replaceable at any job, but it truly felt like I had risen to a position of appreciation and it felt good.

And now, I have to start over. I don't know if "have to" is the right way to say it, but it feels accurate so I'm going with it. Am I excited? Yes... but it's also a HUGE change and will be a MAJOR adjustment. 

I'm nervous... and anxious. I'm trying to reassure myself that I totally got this (fake it til you make it, right?), but if I'm being honest, I truly have no idea. Am I going to put in my all and try everything within my power to learn and thrive in this job and do what we have to do to get out of Indy? One hundred percent... but does that mean I'm perfectly settled about this turn of events? Absolutely-fucking-not.

I want to be able to do this and I'm determined to make this life change. Am I in over my head? Only time will tell... but honestly, it's nice to know while it feels like I'm drowning, my hubby is wading through the waters to me with my arm floaties.

Things will be stressful and nonstop and intense for the next few months (like they haven't already been going 120mpm), but we're hoping to come out the other side better for it and living a much happier and peaceful life. 

Only time will tell, but it's getting here fast. I finish out this week at my current company (I feel like I want to cry but also want to put itching powder in everyone's undies) and then come Friday afternoon... the Glissons are southbound so I can start on-location training come Monday morning.

One week. That's all that's left between me and a new career path. And my anxiety KNOWS it.

Side note: did y'all know finding/buying pants for a new job or I guess just in general was such a fucking nightmare?

I don't know what 2026 has in store for us... we're five days in and life is already cranked... but I do know for sure changes are coming and they're coming fast. Wish us luck... because the Glissons are about to make this year their bitch. Or this year is about to make us it's bitch. 

ONE WAY OR ANOTHER.

BOOM Bitch. But also, MERRY CHRISTMAS!!🎄🎄

Ok... this is... a lot. Like... A LOT. So... your girl did a thing... got a thing... something a thing. THE POINT IS our gameplan to move South might be getting a little bit more fast-tracked because your girl got herself a new job. I KNOW.

I never thought I would be here. I literally thought I would be at my current company until I either retired (ha! the dream that none of us ever get) or killed over or they fired me. Something... nothing like getting a whole different job. But now... here we are.

And it is A LOT for me to feel. Overwhelmed... grateful... about to blow the tippy top right off my head. AHHH!! I'd be lying if I said I wasn't excited, but I'm also extremely nervous and anxious. Nervous that I may be in over my head... anxious that I'm going to screw this up and ruin our lives... but extremely grateful for the opportunity and overwhelmed by the magnitude of which this changes our lives. 

Besides... we wanted a whole new life and nothing says whole new life more than changing absolutely everything about it. Aside from us and our pups, we want to change EVERYTHING else. So... we are. 

I am having so many feelings about everything and just trying to push through them all. They're so overwhelming that it'll be more of an on-the-go layout.

I got the confirmation for my new job on Tuesday and immediately let my boss know. Now... we got two weeks (not including the rest of this weird holiday week) to do what they want me to do and then I'm South bound for on-location training. After that I'll be working remote... until we move to Florida and then we'll (they'll) decide on my hybrid in office/remote roll. 

I didn't expect this to happen. It quite literally came out of nowhere... but who am I to kick a gift horse in the mouth when amazing opportunities fall from the sky?

I thought we had more time... after my job let me know that transitioning to a remote position wouldn't be feasible for me and they wanted me to start training another girl, Dev and I talked about moving up our timeline. Literally the only thing holding us in Indy was my job, so why wouldn't we after knowing it wasn't an option anymore? But... we still thought it would be somewhere between six-eight months. We definitely wanted to be out before next Winter set in... but then this happened and jumpstarted even more.

I will say though, ever since we just became firm in our decision to move back South, it feels like the universe has been pushing us in that direction expediently. Things are falling into place and while it's all still crazy, it very much feels like the right decision.

The progress we've made on our house is insane. We've been needing to go through and get rid of things FOREVER and there's no time like the present, right? And through it we have been. We decided to get rid of all the negativity and bullshit that we've been carrying around for other people all these years and literally start NEW when we restart. No more living a life based on the worry of other people's opinions. If it makes us happy, it's ours. If not? Bye bye. People, places, things. All of it.

Needless to say... we've thrown out A LOT of shit. I was a little sad to see some of it go... but only because I'm a hoarder and so much is changing so quickly that my anxiety is trying to keep up. After it's out of sight though? I'm loving it. The house is well underway to being painted (Eggshell-Gypsum for the clean finished looking win) and then there's just a few more things to do inside and we can switch to out. 

There's still so damn much to get accomplished. We need to talk to AM about selling our house probably this weekend (when it's ready) and get all this trash bullshit hauled off (no idea how we're going to achieve that) and finish painting and fix the fence and do some curb appeal.

Plus... I need to train a little for this new job (I was sent a link with some videos so hopefully that will give me a little insight) and buy some new clothes for it because your girl doesn't dress business... but I will be in this office with the bigwigs. I'll also need to take out my lip ring, hide my green hair, and cover these tattoos. You know... make me look boring instead of the exotic creature I am. All good though... it's all temporary to get where we need to be. 

There's so much to do and so little time to do it... but is that gonna stop us from having a nice dinner and watching Stranger Things on this here Christmas day/evening? Nope. We literally accomplished so much yesterday and earlier today that we're gonna break and eat and watch these little motherf*ckers in Hawkins.

What? We got SO much done in the last two days... time for Dev to take a little nap (before he gets up and makes me that delicious steak) and me to make some mashed taters... and for us to curl up with our babies and cuddle and just be together. 

Life is changing... fast. It's here and we're trying to keep up. At the end of the day, we're gonna be ok. But if y'all could keep some good vibes and put some good juju out there for us... we'd appreciate it. Thanks to all our family and friends that reached out this year for Christmas (even though the Glisson's were super lame this year and got absolutely nothing holly jolly accomplished... there's too much to do!). 

It's been so crazy the last couple of months... let's see where the next few take us. 

From our family to yours, MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

There's so much to do but I don't wanna do it but there's so little time but I'm still not having it but I'm gonna do it anyway.

Y'all... I woke up in a weird kind of mood this morning. I don't know what it is... clarity... wistfulness... a mental break that I haven't had yet... TBD really. The point is... it's a weird mood. Not bad... just... yeah.

I feel like I have so much energy that I'm gonna bust. Somehow I feel like I could accomplish the goals of five people in a six month period... but condensed into like three hours.

I also feel like I could curl up in my bed with my babies in jammies and not move for the next seventy-two hours. 

Neither of which I can do. Because WTF is even happening right now.

Honestly, I feel like it has something to do with my anxiety and the emotional roller coaster I've been on (against my will BTW... get me OFF this up and down bullshit). I'm neither here nor there but I'm everywhere all at once. One minute I'm perfectly fine with the mindset "it is what it is" and four minutes later I'm damn near hyperventilating and nauseous. I psych myself up even when I'm trying to talk myself down. I know I'm being ridiculous and unreasonable and too much. I'm literally trying to stop it every minute of every day and failing horrifically. Ask my sleep schedule and appetite, they'll tell you. 

Is this a snap? Feels like a snap.

Speaking of snap... there's a freeze one coming through for us. Which probably doesn't help this weird bubble world I'm living in. It's frigid and lifeless outside. Probably because we're all living that penguin life... without the body index to back it up.

It's been so damn cold... and yet I still walked out of my house without my sweatshirt on lunch yesterday and almost did the exact same thing today... how on Earth did I manage that? I even knew I was extra frozen and STILL got all the way back before I realized it... just shows you where my state of mind is.

As in... running on fumes... can't focus or function correctly... basically surviving on instinct and spite. Hopefully, this weekend is productive and cozy and amazing and everything my family and I need it to be (just us with a side of peacefulness).

Really trying to manifest that good life shit but quite literally just taking it one day at a time. That's all we can do, right? At least, that's what my adoring husband says.

One day at a time, baby. One. Day. At. A. Time.

I don't know what it's gonna be... but we have all the ideas.

Ever since we became firm in our decision to cut bait with Indy and head South we've been talking about our next steps. Fixing up our house to sell... deciding on future homes... debating our work to life balance and how that translates into our future work load... imagining sunshine as opposed to the frigid death that is currently blowing outside.

Seriously, feels like the movie "The Thing" out there. Frigid and not entirely unsettling. 

Intertwined with all these decisions and unknowns are also a bunch of questions that Dev has been asking me forever but I've never really had an answer for him. Sweetheart, what are your hobbies? What do you like to do? What kind of life do you want to live? What makes you happy?

And honestly? I don't know. And I know that sounds ridiculous because I'm thirty-five so how could I possibly NOT know? And yet, here we are. I've always been more of a "I have to work, I'll get to that later" type of person. Before I stopped going to therapy, I was referred to as exhibiting "hyperarousal." And no, that isn't as dirty minded as it sounds... it means I live in a constant state of "fight or flight." 

Doesn't stop there though... did you know with fight or flight also comes freeze or fawn? It was all new to me and I'm not sure I followed it all as well as I would have liked but basically it shoved a mirror in my face and made me see I was a people-pleasing bundle of nerves ready to crack at the first sign of failure. Apparently when it's "always up to you" to find the solution or your entire family is screwed... and you start that shit at fourteen... and who knows what leading up to that... well... there tends to be some long-lingering side effects.

As in... I don't really know who I am as a person. I mean, I'm getting there and have a better handle on it now than what I ever have... but I'm not really there yet. Deep down? I know who I am. In my soul and how I want to treat people... but the pieces that make up me? I got nothing.

But, I'm trying. And Dev is as supportive and loving as he's ever been with all of it. I could deadass look that man in the face and tell him I never want to work a day in my life ever again and if I really meant it, I truly believe he would find a way to make it happen. He's the first and only person in my entire life to want me to do any and everything I want and to hold absolutely none of me back. Big personality? No problem for him.

He's got that soulmate shit on lock.

So I've been thinking about things I might want to do. Hobbies I might want to try... even if I end up hating them. I want to try things I've never had the opportunity to pursue and find out if I love them or if they're just an annoying little fantasy. I want to do new things and go on adventures and spend as much time as humanly possible with my husband. If we're going to rebuild this new life... I want us as happy as possible for the rest of it.

First things first... we have to narrow down our camper. I think we've decided to go used and possibly buy second hand. We want it to basically function however we need it to start out and we'll do all the upgrades and changes as time goes on. Something nice but not ridiculous. We want to learn how to run everything on solar and learn how to do all maintenance and customization on our own.

And then... I want to fill it with love and music and puppies. Make it cozy and homey but entirely us. 

We both want a massive garden... fruits, vegetables, herbs, flowers, and shrubbery. And then I want to get back into canning and baking and homesteading. Make my own bread and figure out how to use these plants medicinally and get lost in the process of it all.

Books... podcasts... radio... television... social media... firsthand life experience.

Refurbishing that table with my MIL over Thanksgiving was so much fun and Dev and me got lost in the process. It's not something I've ever done but have always been interested in. She explained what I needed to do and when I messed up or wasn't sure, she was patient and understanding. Always has been, always is, and probably forever will be. Dev mentioned it to me when we were talking and said he had never seen me invest in something and it hold my attention to the point I didn't walk away. Which is fair, because my attention span is nonexistent. But... this I liked. And I want to do more of it, I think. I already have ideas for furniture we're taking with us and things we'll want and I can do in the future. Will it happen? I don't know... but I'm excited to find out. 

I want to get my nose re-pierced and get a bunch more tattoos. Green hair? If possible, I want to keep it forever. My SIL (hi, Cait!) insists that she's never met a person in her entire life that looks like they have green hair naturally... but it somehow looks like it should've grown right out of my own head that way. I want to cut the collar off ALL my shirts and wear shoes as little as possible. Like I said before, feral Katie is my favorite Katie.

I want to collect antiques and make them useful again... maybe find an old Singer sewing machine, fix it up and get back into sewing. Clothes and quilts... helpful shit for our lives that can translate into love. Maybe find an old wringer washer and hang up a clothes line. Simple things that people have upgraded in their lives and forgot where it started. 

I want to look into having bees... and learning to weld... maybe take up crazy painting. Learn how to put a lift on and do the maintenance to our Bronco. Build a lean-to and gather pieces of the universe around us to build a sanctuary.

We plan to follow my in-laws around and make them our besties. Dev has missed his family on a level that I could never explain and the thought of getting to hang out with them and have dinners and adventures and family time? Serene. I'm gonna follow my FIL around and make him teach me shit. Hell, you can learn from the man just standing next to him. And while he's talking bikes with Dev... I'll be talking paint versus stain with my MIL. Maybe we'll finally even get around to her putting me on a horse. I mean... they're a horse family and she used to barrel-ride... if anybody is gonna teach me some shit, it would be her.

We want to see our niece and nephews grow firsthand... not just in pictures and video calls. We want to be apart of their childhoods and be known as their "free spirit" aunt and uncle. We want them to know they can come to us and they'll find nothing but love and understanding and patience. We want to grow with them and get to see the amazing people they become. Do I want to pick up your kid from school and be the adult responsible for their well being? Absolutely not. But, do I want to go on that list that says I'm one of the most trusted adults that their lives have to offer? Desperately. Put us on the f*cking list.

And yeah, I don't know how we're going to manage all this or how we're gonna get there... but you know what? We're gonna do it together and get there eventually because it's what we want. Neither of us know what the future holds as far as our jobs... but that's literally the only thing. (Truthfully, when it comes down to it, if we could both work part-time at the same place on the same shift we'd be just as happy as anything else... even though I'm really beseeching the universe to find that remote position).

We don't know what life is going to look like when we get there... it's a new beginning... but we do know what we want to build towards. And honestly? I'll take that over misery any day. Just having a plan and pushing this to be our reality has made changes in the both of us. We know what we want and what we don't want and we can figure out the details along the way... together.

But, if y'all could manifest some ease and sprinkle-sprinkle out into the universe for us? I would greatly appreciate it. Because the fear of the unknown is overwhelming... even though we're working on it.

Hopefully, it's the last long drive before the BIG one.🌞🌻🌞🌻🌞

We spent Thanksgiving week in Florida with Dev's side of the family. We don't usually go down for holidays... we're more of a "come down for vacation once a year and for emergencies and unplanned happy events (ie: weddings and Jelly concerts)" type of folks... but Dev's mom asked us two or three months ago if we would come down this year... and... well... I can't tell that woman no to save my whole life.

Sooo... I worked Monday and then we headed South. (With my trusty laptop in tow because I still had some shit to do for the rest of the week because no rest for the weary and all that).

The trip down was pretty good... we made decent timing and our pups were chill and enjoyed the ride. Sure, it's always alot, but once we're there... we're good to go. You know why? Because we pulled up to my MIL's around nine in the morning... parked Trudy... and didn't start her again until we left out for my FIL's on Saturday evening. When I tell you my in-laws are the best, I ain't bullshitting.

The trip back North? Stupid. Between "Severe Winter Weather" advisories and people not realizing they're operating a vehicle so they should probably be paying attention to that... it was mayhem. We ended up taking backroads for the last forty miles of our trip home, because the interstate backed up and people were acting a fool. 

I digress. Mostly because I refuse to spend anymore time trying to figure people out. At least for the time being.

Our pups were probably the most excited. Between all the attention, snacks, cuddles, and general merriment of their existence, they were living their best lives.

My Gatorbaby? He always thrives when he's home. What can I say? He's a Sunshine State boy through and through. He's never not happy and breathtaking when we're there. He loves his family and the happiness that pours out of him when we're around them damn near brings tears to my eyes every damn time.

Me? I also thrive down South. I'm what my FIL (Pops) refers to as feral... barefoot, sunburnt, hair unbrushed, legs unshaved... it's chaos of the highest order. And I fuckin' love it. So does my husband and his entire family. Peaceful Katie is the best Katie.

With all the changes headed our way... we're hoping the next trip we have to make down South is THE last trip and therefore, moving time. *fingers-crossed*

Life has been stressful and chaotic lately... between life changes and house renovations and pups with skin irritation and frigid weather and people in general... yeah, it's just been overwhelming. So, we needed to get away and have a break and spend some time with people we love the most and love us the best.

We spent Thanksgiving with all the family that got to come over and the rest of our days were spent relaxing, hanging out with my in-laws (and one of my SIL's for a couple days), doing projects (ie: refinishing a table and watching my FIL put together a four-wheeler), watching my hubby do some bomb-ass tattoos on my MIL and SIL, and just imagining and planning our future.

When I tell you I've been a nervous wreck and overwhelmed... I ain't lying. The unknown and instability and changes that are coming have been on my brain and playing on loop for weeks on end. I've driven myself to the brink and back more than once. I honestly thought I was about to break in half. But... when they assured us we weren't alone and were welcome and loved and missed and needed? Something in me calmed and shifted. Sure, this is still scary... but worth it and thrilling. I'm still scared because of the unknown but I feel better knowing my hubby's family has our backs.

And the life we're trying to build and is on the horizon? Riveting.

We're in the process of: get us the f*ck outta here.😵‍💫😮‍💨🥴

Have you ever been... done? Like, I don't like it... I can't take it... I don't want it... done? Happened to us. And why did it happen to us? You can thank this city and all it encompasses. 

Where to start? More shootings and violence down the street from us than you can shake a stick at. It's ridiculous and overwhelming. Do you know how disheartening it is to turn on the radio and constantly hear your neighborhood on the news? And yeah, I know there's violence and horrible shit no matter where you go... but the fact there are almost a million people in this city and people don't give a shit to open their crazy in the streets with innocent bystanders... well... here we are. And I want to get the f*ck OUT. I just picture the life I have... the life I want... and they are very different.

The life I want doesn't include nasty people, or terrible situations, or overwhelming amounts of stress. The life I currently have... does. And I want peace and calm and stability. I want to be able to be my weird self and those around me just love me for me... no other reason or rhyme, no manipulations, no guilt, no judgment, just because I'm me and they love me.

So... I went to my boss. And I laid it all out. Told her about the stress and nastiness of our surroundings being overwhelming. I want out of this city and situation. But... I love my job, so it was the last man standing between me and this decision. I don't want to leave my job... I've built it for going on fourteen years and it's a piece of me. Something I take pride in. Something I have complete faith and confidence in doing. I asked to transition to a remote position. And I asked this with the understanding that it wasn't guaranteed, but with the thought that I was willing to give/take and do so much to make it work, that it could be a very real possibility. I know everyone in a company is expendable. I have no illusions that I run the show (I'm very aware I don't), but I have always done whatever is asked of me and I have exceeded every single expectation that they have ever presented to me. I've helped pull the company back from the brink multiple times. Not on my own, but as a dedicated member of the team. Put policies and procedures in place to ensure the company could move forward and streamlined as much as possible. Again, not on my own... but as a dedicated member of the team. They've quite literally never presented me with an issue where I didn't look at it and say, well, we gotta do what we gotta do and then we got it done.

But... the answer was no. I couldn't really tell you the reasoning why other than it's "not feasible" and comes down to "financial" at the end of the day. I was asked though... could I train this other girl in the office to do my job and then work for my company until I'm settled once I move and then I can figure out my next steps? I mean, sure? I guess I'll just do my job until you decide you don't need me anymore and then call it a day? Thanks for not just kicking me to the curb immediately I reckon.

Fourteen years. Damn near a decade and a half. And here we are. 
Guess they really didn't like the green hair.

Anyways... our will to get the f*ck out of Indy hasn't changed. We're doing it differently than what we imagined and I'm certainly more terrified of this change than I've ever been, but I'm also excited and ready to get the f*ck out of here. I'm ready to have peaceful mornings and be in the country and live a small and quiet life with my husband and our babies. 

Should've cut bait when I lost my Momma. Really should've cut bait when we got tackled by a guy with a knife on our motorcycle going over 40 mph. Should've cut bait when my brother did whatever it is he does. I'm learning I should've done this a long f*cking time ago.

I think people are forgetting the fact it takes very little to make us happy and I don't actually have the need to have a "career." Bro, I love it and I'm proud of it... but... I'll be ok with just a job too. Doesn't have to be a career. We can literally just work to live, not live to work. And Walmart seems to be hiring night shift.

We don't need alot... and we'll figure out the rest. The most important part? It's that we have each other, we're in this together, and one way or the other, we will figure it out. Starting with getting ready to sell this house and bounce.

So... watch out, Florida. Because within the next year (if we can manage to pull this shit off), the Glissons are coming back. And this time, we're coming home to stay. (Not counting the fact we'll see you next week for Thanksgiving).

“You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.” -Anne Lamott

Our resilient little troopers.💚💜💚💜

Like I said earlier... life be crazy. And with the craziness that is our lives and the fact we've been in Florida going on two weeks... my stress? My hubby's stress? Astronomical. Our faces are breaking out... our gut health is ridiculous... and honestly? Between his heart condition and my nervous twitches, let's just say... we've looked and felt better.

But, you know who never fails to be the best of the best and make everything better? Our furbabies.

Since we've been here, Sparkles has run this property to his little hearts content. He's usually my sleepy/napping boy, but five acres in the Florida heat? He's in heaven. Watching him gallop and flop around? Good for my soul. Steve has embraced her inner-Tuwanda! (she has a swollen ankle that we're monitoring and thankfully, is going down and ripped off two toenails) and has been going a mile a minute. 

Are they confused and unsure about what's going on? Yep. Do they let it bother them? Nope... as long as they still get babied and snacks. Lots of snacks. They're insane and all over the place and somehow always the calm to our storm. Having a bad day? Cuddle your baby.

Those other mamas are right... it really is the best medicine. Nothing like it.

Life is looking a little crazy right now.

Let me start this by saying... I thought we all agreed that 2025 was going to be a better time. Like... just in general and away from all the tomfuckery that has managed to invade our lives the last... however long it's been. Are we all stuck in some crazy fever dream right now?

I digress. Because if not... well... it's been a long couple of weeks.

Dev and me have been in Florida for over a week now. And while that may sound like vacation fun for most, let me assure you, if this is your idea of a vacation, neither of us EVER want to go on vacation with any of you. NEVER EVER.

A few weeks ago, Dev's daddy had to be rushed to the ER. After a week in the hospital, he was diagnosed with pancreatitis, told he had a pocket of fluid above his pancreas/pushing on the back wall of his stomach, and needed his gallbladder removed. He was sent home to "manage the inflammation" until his doctor returned from vacation. 

Cut to the Friday before last...I get a call at work in the afternoon from Dev telling me his daddy's friend is taking him back to the ER because he's in so much pain. So I immediately call my boss, pack everything I need to work remote, and headed to the house. We loaded up the car and our babies and to Florida we came. It takes us approximately thirteen hours to make it to the part of Florida we need to be. Luckily... this isn't exactly our first f*cking rodeo.

Eleven hours after making it to the ER waiting room, my FIL was finally admitted... and he's been there ever since. I'm not usually one to complain about healthcare. I've worked it... I've lived it... I understand it... I KNOW things can only move so fast and you can only do so much.

But when I tell you this has to be the most frustrating hospital experience of my entire life, I'm not exaggerating. I dealt with a lot of crazy shit when it came to Momma's health... A LOT. But this? Come the f*ck on. He was in the hospital from Friday afternoon (admitted Saturday morning) and they literally did no testing on him until Wednesday. Which is when they did the CT scan... and determined the fluid pocket hadn't gotten better under their "supervision"... it had actually gotten worse... and there were two.

You know what that means? That means his Thursday gallbladder removal was cancelled, and a Friday endoscopy with drainage was scheduled. Should be fine, right? Cool... it happened... they drained, put a stint, had a look around. Cool. Informed us they had to go in and do it again on Monday. Ok... but they don't know if or when they'll be taking his gallbladder. Why? Because they want to see if the inflammation can be managed. You mean the inflammation that had increased by six because this wasn't handled three weeks ago? And then what?

Don't know. We've had three doctors... doctors... not nurses, techs, administrators, case managers, no... DOCTORS tell us THREE different things and while they all start the conversation with "I've conferred with my team of fellow doctors" not a damn one of them seems to have EVER talked with the other two. They're confused, unfocused, and quite frankly, I don't understand how my FIL thinks they're so fantastic when literally the ball has been dropped at every opportunity presented.

He gets a new tray each time there's a meal because they can't agree on which diet he should be on... he was told to tell them as soon as as he feels pressure in his spine because they need to manage his pain for the inflammation... and then proceed to get lost in route to their medcart. And before people get butthurt, YES, I know nursing is a stressful and strenuous job and things happen out of your control. Multiple patients, one of you. I get it and I empathize. You can't drop everything for one person and you're not at their beck and call. I get it. However, when your patient has strict instructions and you leave their room and say "I'll grab that and be right back" and then I have to track you down over two hours later because at this point he's in fetal position pain, that's a f*cking problem. I shouldn't have to find a completely different nurse, ask where she is, get the response "I have no clue where she is" and tell them to find her before I throw a temper tantrum level hissy fit that would make my ancestors raise up and be proud of my level of petty before they assist him and do what the orders say.

COME ON. 

Unless you are working the triage unit of the ER... why the f*ck are you not on your own floor taking care of the patients assigned to you?

I didn't pull this shit out of my hat... they're your rules and guidelines and you're not even f*cking following them? Over two hours later? If your time management skills are that shit, perhaps you should find a new career. This one? Not for you. And I say that holding alot of love for nurses in my heart... this isn't an attack on all nursing. This is calling out one situation that repeated itself more than once and they still can't manage to get a handle on it. 

The entire thing is frustrating because they seem as confused and unsure as the rest of us. Hey guys, it's literally y'alls thing to have a plan. That's the whole reason he came here. For the third time. With pancreatitis. That still hasn't been handled. Because it keeps getting put off. And no one can seem to agree on a f*cking game plan.

Fun fact: this is the third time he's been admitted to this exact hospital for pancreatitis (the first time was March 2020).

Fun times. Hopefully, we'll find out something after the second endoscopy/drainage tomorrow, but with this team of doctors and staff? I'm not holding my f*cking breath. Mostly because I don't trust a damn one of them to know how to get me breathing again once I pass out.

My FIL? Pissed... irritable... angry... all the adjectives that encompass being rude and shit to my husband. And yeah, I understand he's frustrated and at his wit's end and he wants to go home, but f*ck, Dev is literally the ONLY person trying to help and he's getting a f*cking flogging for it. My BIL? Fantastic at being completely unhelpful and self-victimization. So... that's fun. Everybody else? Has an opinion or excuse but no justified reasoning.

And my husband? Bless his sweet, big, amazing heart. He's trying his best and doing all he can. We've been to the hospital everyday to visit, get updates, and cleaned the house inside and out. Cleared land, cut trees, kept the pups on their schedule. And all he wants is to do all he can to help get his dad better... he's not asking for praise or anything else... but not making his life more difficult by fighting, arguing and treating him like shit would be much appreciated. He didn't put anybody in this situation, and he 's doing all he can to help, and somehow he's the bad guy?

Yeah... I'm f*cking over that. My husband has a heart condition and I can't in good conscience let his mental and physical health be determined by shitheads who want to act like children. So... something has to give. Or, I'm going to have to make it give.

Thinking maybe we'll just load up our babies and disappear into the mountains never to be seen or heard from again by any person we've ever come into contact with throughout life.

TBD.

Decluttering our house has got to help declutter my mind... RIGHT?!!?!😬

You ever have one of those days where you're tired of looking at everything around you and you just KNOW it's time for you to change some shit? Happened to me... and Dev couldn't be happier with this little manic moment of mine.

I'm a hoarder. Like... not a I have thirteen flat cats and thirty-six dirty diapers hanging out in a drawer or box somewhere kind of hoarder... but I collect A BUNCH of shit. Clothes, figurines, knick-knacks, photos, dishes. You name it, I probably collect it in some form or another. And I don't set out to have these collections... nor do I only collect certain types of these things.

NO. I have just accumulated all this shit over the years and throughout my life... and from other peoples lives (I was raised on hand-me-downs and still love them to this day)... and I have a real problem letting go of shit once I have it.

What if I need it? What if it's important? What if it's sentimental? What if it belonged to someone I loved at some point? What if someone brings it up and needs it even though it's been hanging out in my shed for like thirty years? What. What. What. If. If. If.

UUUUGGGGGHHHHHH. 

Anybody who says you can't see the state of your mental health by that which is around you... is a f*cking psychopath.

We finally started cleaning out our sheds MONTHS ago but hit a lull because your girl be a real Debbie-Downer when I lose all motivation. Seriously, I always start off with good intentions but I end up stumbling over my own feet. Dev says I just have to do things in my own time... and lucky for me... he has no problem hanging out for however long it takes me to get to that point. Why just hanging out? Because I'll have a nervous breakdown if I just come home one day and everything is different. The man is a wizard at gauging my mental state.

Unfortunately, my husband has done all he can do by way of managing the clusterf*ck that has been created by yours truly, so some changes had to be made. Because you can only have so much shit before you have a breakdown... or at least... I'm going with that.

I've touched on the subject multiple times before... but when we lost Momma, we kind of just packed everything away because I couldn't fathom dealing with it. Over the years (mostly in the last year), we've gone through the shed but we never really went through the house and the shed and the garage and ALL of it. Moved things back and forth... debated and soul searched... but the majority remained as it was.

And honestly? I'm tired. I'm tired of having a bunch of shit that doesn't feel like ours. And it needs to be GONE. Like... buh-bye! 

So... we started decluttering. Like real deep down, soul searching, move shit out with a two-wheeler, throw away things that are there just to exist, no judgment if you want to get rid of it decluttering. And it felt GOOD.

The deep freezer that was way too big and broken? Dev beasted that bitch right out the door to our back alley and a scrapper hauled it off... along with that broken dryer on the back porch... and that old stove in the garage. All at once... years of chaos... hauled away. Made his day too. Two birds, one heavy ass debilitating stone.

Clothes that no longer fit my body or life... two Contractor bags later... POOF. Gone are the mornings of confusion and irritation trying to rifle through clothes and find something presentable to wear to work... and here are the mornings standing in irritation because no matter what I pick it'll fit but its still early as f*ck in the morning o'clock. And sure... now I need new pants in all areas... but I at least know the ones I have hanging out fit... ish.

And yeah... now we've hit a bit of a lull and our house is a bit chaotic... BUT it's our kind of chaotic and it's a process. As soon as a little of that oomph gets back in us... we'll do another room... and then another... until everything from top to bottom has been gone through and decluttered and deep cleaned. 

We're doing it all on our time... ok FINE my time... and I'm not letting any pressure or expectations get to me. Luckily, we both literally WANT to live in the house of our dreams... no matter how weird it may be... if we think of it and think it's cool... IT EXISTS. By the time we're done... we're only gonna have OUR stuff and a home that feels like just us. 

Because two people make a whole ass family... but we have furbabies... so we're a little more special.

It's all a joke until you do the math... then it's just confirmed hilarity.

It's no secret that I'm a little insane for obsessed with my husband. I'm forever hanging around him and constantly on his toes with my nose all up in his business. Honestly, he could stop walking one day and I'll probably be so close behind him we'll both topple over. He'll make sure to cushion my landing before his own and then I'll have to puppy-dog-eye my way out of his annoyance.

And you know what? I'm not even a little bit sorry about it. Why? Because he created this little monster.

That's right, Dr. Frankenstein. Let's not pretend this isn't your doing.

I've always prided myself on being able to take care of... well... myself. Not so much mentally (lord knows that train left the station a couple decades ago... if it ever was stationed to begin with), but financially and physically? I f*cking got this. I've held a full time job since I was fourteen years old and have been responsible for an entire household for as long as I can remember. So, that part? Got it... mostly (we all have our wtf moments in life).

But emotionally? Ha! If you think compartmentalizing every single thing that happens throughout your life and shoving them deep down into the deepest pit of your stomach so you can ignore it... until one day you have a mental break and never fully recover and now you're just a completely different person dealing with a life you have so many questions about and can never receive the answers to is "having it." Then yeah, I got that too.

A little backstory... as most people know, my husband and I met in a little podunk town in Florida when we were fifteen years old. We were highschool sweethearts and when I tell you that man was my dream even when he was still a boy, I'm not just whistling dixie. We were inseparable and had more love for one another than I feel most adults get to experience in a lifetime... until inseparable became separated and we didn't see each other for years. It was hard and sad and quite honestly, it f*cking sucked.

But then, like he's always had a away of doing... he found me and showed up when my entire life was about to fall into ruins. I mean, here he was trying to relearn who I was as an adult and who we were together as people and then I had a complete meltdown and became a person even I didn't know. Honestly, even I had never met the f*cking woman standing in front of him.

Did he run scared for the hills? Probably should have... but he didn't. While most people in general wouldn't want to take on that kind of tomfuckery, my husband looked me dead ass in the eyes and told me we either had it together or we didn't have f*ck all apart. He held my hand and carried me through the trenches. He dried my tears and cradled my body. He fed me and kissed me and made sure he took care of me when I couldn't even think to take care of myself. He didn't have to... it wasn't his responsibility... and yet... you would think the position was made for him.

I have alot of doubts about life... people... situations... but I never have to doubt him.

He's all of it and the it is the best part.

We both like to make jokes about the rebeginning of our relationship. I believe my exact words were something like, "I'm never getting married! No one can hold me down! VIVA LA FREEDOM!!!" Or, something dramatic like that. And he would laugh and tell me we didn't have to be married... we could just be us and that would always be enough.

Sweet, right? Yeah... it was also a dirty trick. I mean, the best kind of dirty trick, but still! I don't know how he did it... I don't know what kind of sorcery he used... but I spent the first thirty years of my life being very vocal about "never getting married" and then he locked it down in less than two years. Well... I mean, he had quite a few years of built up love behind him, but that's neither here nor there.

Less than two years. And in case you're wondering, YES! I did in fact eat crow for my wedding dinner. Thank you very much.

We joke and tease each other about this all the time... but I wouldn't change any of it. I wouldn't change the fact I get to be married to my best friend. I wouldn't change the fact the man of my dreams treats me like a fragile little princess (and yes, I can hear the feminism beating on my door but NOBODY'S HOME RIGHT NOW). I wouldn't change that I get to do life with my soulmate and the other half of myself. I wouldn't change that we have furbabies and have built a life completely unique and special to us.

At the end of the day, I'm not perfect. We're not perfect as people. But to me? Well... he's pretty f*cking spectacularly perfect to me. And to him? Well... I'm sure I'm a little demon but he loves me regardless.

It feels hollow and cold... there's just a massive piece missing.💔

The last four days have been... debilitating. I can think of no other word that encompasses the feeling of this. It's sad and I feel cold... down to my bones and throughout my entire body. There's a hollow feeling in my chest and three out of four times when I open my mouth to speak... tears.

We had to say goodbye to our baby, Xur-Xur. 

My big, strong, cuddly grizzly bear got too sick too fast and there was nothing we could do. Literally... nothing. We tried... I begged... BEGGED the vet to give me any other option to where my baby could have a good life and we could keep him. But... there was nothing.

It all started with that hip... when he originally hurt it we made him take it easy and we iced. It seemed to be getting better... slowly but surely... and then he hurt it again. So... we started over with the rest and the ice and again... it started doing better. But then, last week it reverted and kept getting worse instead of better. So... Thursday we loaded our baby up and took him to the doctor.

We had no clue what they were going to tell us. We assumed he would be loaded up on meds... have to have physical therapy... maybe even surgery. Our "worst case scenario" was an amputation or something, because again, we had no clue what was going on. But, he was in constant pain and getting around was terrible for him... so... doctor.

But the news we got... what the fuck? Our baby wasn't just hurt. Our baby had advanced and aggressive osteosarcoma that had already metastasized to his lungs. Our vet pulled up the xrays and my baby was lit up like a fucking Christmas tree. I went through all the options... everything... trying to find some route that let Xur stay with us, but make sure he could have a good quality of life as well. 

And then that vet had to essentially look me in my eyes and tell me there was absolutely nothing we could do for him that wouldn't make him feel a thousand times worse than he already did. Once we came to that fork in the road and we knew there was no "saving" or "improving" we asked how long we would have with him. And if shit wasn't bad enough, he again had to look me in the eyes and tell me they could give me enough meds to keep him "comfy" so we could "have the weekend" but extending it past that would be... well... not recommended.

With that devastating news... we loaded our baby in the car and brought him home and spent Thursday night through Monday morning together. We did everything we possibly could to make him comfy, shower him with affection and love, and just try to make him see how much we love him. He ate all the foods he usually doesn't get (and was a big fan of bacon), got as many cuddles as we could give (you know, the kind we could give because we had to be careful not to hurt him). He had visitors and even his Gma flew up from Florida on Sunday evening so he could spend some time with her.

By the time we were supposed to take him in on Monday, it was very clear to us why they said not to extend any longer. In a matter of three days our baby had lost even more weight (he had already lost a ridiculous amount in a small amount of time), his leg was six times the size it should have been, he could hardly move, his breathing was labored at best and he was never comfortable. Essentially, he was hurting but holding on for us.

But even with all that going on and knowing what we knew... having to make that decision is fucking haunting. No, I didn't want my baby to be hurt or sick... I wanted him to be the free-loving wild card he's always been and I wanted to cuddle him and kiss him and keep him forever. Once that option was no longer on the table... the anger, sadness, disbelief, and emptiness started rearing it's ugly head.

There are so many questions that we'll never have answers to. The fact that we are very much NOT ok with the circumstances doesn't change them. And I know everybody whose ever loved has to deal with this, it's a fact of life, but knowing that doesn't help get you through it when it's your turn.

I want my baby back. I want my grizzly bear to give me cuddles and keep me warm. I want him to get up with me first thing in the morning and wander the house and check in on things while I'm getting ready. I want to be outside with him in the dark to feel safe and I want about fourteen million more excessive kisses. I want to lay my head on his chest and burrow in.

I am not ok. My husband is not ok. And our other two babies are not ok. Xur-Xur not being with us has left a massive hole and none of us know how to fill it. I know we'll move forward together... we love each other... we're a family... but I would be lying if I said our family didn't feel a little lost and broken right now. He was the glue and the comfort and the warmth and how do you account for that when it's no longer there?

We know we did the right thing. Deep down in our bones, we know. We would never want Xur in pain and only wanted amazing things for him. He was the best pieces of both me and Dev that we had to offer the world. But knowing it was right, and coming to terms with it are completely different. We didn't want this... we wanted our baby. I still want my baby and honestly, I kind of want to crawl into a ball and cry and scream until somebody gives me my way. Except, they can't. Because no one or nothing can fix this. And that fucking sucks.

I don't know what happens from here. I don't know what our family is supposed to do or what the dynamic is or how any of this is going to work. We're all just so very lost and so fucking sad.

We all love our Xur-Xur something fierce, we'll miss him always and there will never be another pup that is like him. He was unique and had so much damn love to give. I miss him... I'll continue to miss him... our family will always love and miss him.

He may no longer be here next to us, but he's very much still here. In our minds... in our hearts. In every decision I have to make where love is involved, that's his sweet spot.

Rest easy, my big ole grizzly bear. Thank you so very much for letting me be your mama... it was the greatest gift and something I'll never be able to repay you for. You keep watching out for us and we'll continue to carry you with us until the day we come to join you. I love you so much, Bubs.

💜If you were here to see sixty... you'd deny you were sixty.💜

Today is Momma's 60th birthday and with that comes alot of emotions. Emotions that I would rather not deal with and so... I've decided to spend the day in happy instead of sadness.

I truly believe Momma looks out for me and still checks in on occasion (or maybe I'm just insane... two things can be true!) and she wants all the happiness for me. While my life looks different... it's because I'm different... I've come to learn and accept and try to process the things I've learned and realized throughout this year. 

It's been alot... and overwhelming. And while I have many things on my mind... the fact that I still love my Momma will forever reign the helm. I can't talk about her without feeling all the things... so I leave it with: 

Happy Birthday, Momma. I know you'd be just as beautiful today as you were the last day we spent together and all the days before that. I love you and I miss you and I hope... even though it's nothing like you raised or thought I would be... I truly hope I make you proud. I love you with all my pieces.

Oh, how the cookie crumbles and gets set the f*ck on fire.🔥🍪🔥

While I initially thought things were smooth(ish) with my brother... I couldn't have been more wrong.

We talked through everything and Dev and I thought we were good to go... time to make changes and figure things out and move forward. I say this, because while my brother stayed at our house all last week, he acted like everything was fine. Mostly stayed in his room... but came and went as he pleased, joked around about things we were watching on the tv... he showed us a couple of houses he was looking into renting... things were a bit awkward (from the intensity of last weekend), but it felt like we were all on the right track.

Him and his BM were supposed to be at the house around one on Saturday to start packing his things. Dev and I were tootling around the house, business as usual and an hour before he was supposed to be there... I got a call from one of our aunts. Informing me that me, her, and my brother needed to have a sit down talk about some things because he "talked to a lawyer" about steps to stay in my house and he wanted to discuss it. I wasn't mad at my aunt... but I was livid at my f*cking brother. 

Why? Because not only has he shown more effort in the last week to STAY in MY house than he has in the last DECADE to move back in with HER... he also felt the need to pull our aunt in to try and "mommy" the situation because it didn't go his way last time. I should've seen it coming... I really should've... it's what he always did when we were growing up. He didn't get his way with me, so he would go to mom and the three of us would have a "talk" which basically broke down to give Katie a bunch of shit until she breaks and gives in.

I was trying to be as respectful to my aunt as possible (because again, not upset with her), but also get off the phone with her asap because I was feeling real disrespectful to my brother and didn't want her to catch any of that by accident (I word vomit when I'm angry... anxious... excited).

Because when I tell you I couldn't control my emotions and lost my ever-loving shit on my brother, it is not a joke. I called him damn near immediately when I got off the phone with my aunt and when his BM answered instead if him, I got real loud real quick.

We ended up screaming and yelling and arguing over the phone and then in person when he showed up. I'm not proud to say it... nor am I proud of myself for the way I acted... but I threw a straight up, 100% tantrum. There is simply no other way to describe it. While I had validity in the argument and made rational points and did well... it was also about 50% of a tantrum that was otherworldly.

And I was this level of angry because I was just so baffled and overwhelmed. I have done everything I could possibly think of and then some for my brother. For my entire life... not just when we were kids... my entire life. I have watched out for him, been there, and provided. Got him out of shit he shouldn't have been in and into shit he should've. Always made sure he had a place to go, food to eat, and had every basic essential I could. While he was off galivanting and shacking up with who knows how many girls, I was at the house taking care of our mother and providing the home he could always run back to. There has never been one time in my life to where my brother needed something and I wasn't there.

So for him to essentially tell me I've never done anything and I'm the worst sister on the planet for telling him to move... fine. I know better and he's being petty. Whatevs. But then, for him to basically lie and manipulate other people and the situation so he can essentially invoke his squatters rights in my home while he's living there, instead of just being an adult and figuring his life out... yes, I lost my shit.

He tried to backtrack and lie his way out... he tried to guilt and shame me into changing my mind... and then he listed all the reasons I'm the worst. Like bro, you're living here and having your shit sent here strictly based off my kindness and loving nature as a favor.

And quite frankly, I hate saying shit like that. I really do. I don't like doing something for someone, whether they ask or I offer, and then turning around and throwing that shit back up in their face. It's ridiculous and mean and nasty and I f*cking hate it. I don't help people or do for people so I can get something back. All I want in return is a little decency and respect. But no, I was forced to bring myself down to a level of petty that made me completely sick at my stomach. And if I didn't have reason enough, this right here would be it.

I'll say it loud and clear so everyone can hear and no mistakes are made... I do NOT want to be the person I was raised to be... I WANT to be the person I am and feel is my true self. And I can't do that when someone is constantly taking me back through levels of my life I have no desire to repeat. I just can't do it. I don't like it, it's not me, and the fact he took it there feels highly disrespectful to me.

Finally, we talked it through and came to some form of conclusion... I think. Basically, my mind hasn't changed, he's looking for a place to move into, and we're trying to move forward from this clusterf*ck that's been this process. 

I don't know if things are good now. I really don't. I hope they are. I would really like to continue moving on with our lives and hopefully have a loving and peaceful relationship moving forward. That's what I want and we can have that, but only time will tell. I can't make someone be someone they're not and I can't change myself for anyone else because I'm tired of not being me.

So, here we are... wish me luck.

The anxiety of making changes and moving forward in life.

Life has a funny way of surprising me. Not just me, of course... I'm sure that extends to alot of people... but I can only speak for myself. I talk... ramble... alot about my mental health and the things going on in my life. No matter what I'm feeling, it's always been easier for me to put pen to paper (or in this case- fingers to keyboard) and get everything out there as opposed to actually voicing it.

I've touched on topics from everything... losing my mother, unresolved childhood trauma, generational tomfuckery, if you will. But, I've never actually said absolutely everything out loud... whether that be using my voice or writing it down. Sure, I let people in little by little... but do I really let them in?

I would like to say that I do in fact let people in... but I don't. It's easy to let thoughts be out in the universe when you don't know the people. I can say, do or feel anything I want and there's no one directly in front of me to hash out judgment or fear or crank my anxiety through the roof.

I've recently learned that I don't "let people in" because I was very much raised with the mindset, "mind your business." That didn't include other peoples lives, only my own. If it happens in your life, especially in your house, then you simply don't tell people because it's not "their business."

Ask me if I'm ok? I'm fine.

How are things going? They're fine.

Anything new happen recently? Nope. Things are fine.

Everything's fine... everything's' good... there's nothing to worry about.

Shit is fucking exhausting. And I should know, because I've been doing it for thirty-four years. It's exhausting trying to hide things you don't have to hide and probably shouldn't hide. It's exhausting worrying about not saying anything to anyone so they can't misconstrue and attack you.

It's taken me a very long time to come to terms with... I don't want to be like that. It's taken even longer for me to come to terms with the fact that every single person that asks me if I'm ok, isn't out to "get me" nor do they have an ulterior motive. Sometimes, people genuinely just do care about you and want to help... if you'll let them.

But other times... people will taken advantage of you as long as you let them.

It's all about balance and truly finding "your people." And sometimes "your people" aren't necessarily who you've been lead to believe. 

There are times you can know or live with someone your entire life... you could think those people would never hurt you or would have your back in a pinch... but they don't. Sometimes those people are quite literally out to get all they can get and they simply don't care where that leaves you. They feel entitled to take advantage of your compassion and love. Always taking, never giving and constantly manipulating.

I love my mother. Lord knows... with every fiber of my being and ounce of my soul. She was my best friend and the person I loved the most. I would have walked to the ends of the earth for her and her approval... no matter what it cost me. 

BUT, if you were to ask me if I agreed with everything my mother did... the answer would be no.

Do I truly believe she did the best she could and sacrificed and loved my brother and I unconditionally? Yes. But, do I also think my mother was a flawed human being with her own problems and demons? Also, yes. 

She wasn't perfect. She had a hard life and a myriad of issues that she never dealt with. Like I've said many times over the years, mental health was not something that necessarily was talked about unless it was on the hush hush. There were no groups or circles... no mainstream acceptance... usually when you had any issue someone would chalk it up to "bitches be crazy" and move along. They talk about you behind your back... but help? Nah. So yes, while I love my mother and wouldn't change taking care of her for the world... no, I don't agree with many things she did throughout my life.

It took me a really long time to come to terms with that. I felt extreme guilt for feeling those feelings... but they were my feelings and they weren't going anywhere, so I had to deal with them.

And that brings me to my brother.

My brother and I have a very complex relationship. Is complex the word I should use? Yeah... because fucked up isn't nice. So, I'll go with complex.

My brother is three and a half years older than me, but was born a preemie and was therefore, a little behind physically while we were growing up. He's all caught up now... almost forty, with a seven year old and high cholesterol.

Because of him being a preemie... people tended to baby him alot. Not like a normal, "he's the baby" kind of way... but in a "he can do whatever he wants with no consequences" kind of way. And I was raised to give into his every whim, fancy, and desire. As children and into adulthood. 

Bro needs a place to stay? Better move so we have more room. Bro doesn't have any money? Better get some cash out so he has something in his pocket. Bro spent all his money on games and candy? Better make sure you cook him something to eat. Bro decided he was mad and wanted to put his hands on you? It's fine, he probably apologized or felt bad about it later.

Nothing is ever his fault... he didn't do anything... people are out to get him... we all just don't know how hard it is to be him... everyone is against him... it's just SO hard being him.

Except, at this point in my life... I fuckin call bullshit.

Yes, he has been through many horrible things in his life. He has had to deal with trauma and hardship and pain... but so has everyone else. None of us are immune or exempt from it, it's a natural part of life. He's no longer that little preemie baby or small in stature kid that needs someone to hold his hand and look over his shoulder. He has a child of his own... and yet, he still feels the need to use me to his advantage. It's been like this my entire life and I realize it continues to be like this because no one has ever forced that change.

I was raised to put myself behind him and essentially give into whatever he wanted as long as he used the right set of manipulation and guilt on me. He was raised to not give a shit how his actions affect other people and to only think of himself. And while I love my mother very much... she did the raising.

And quite honestly, I'm tired of living by that set of guidelines. However selfish or horrible it may sound, I want for once in my life, to make all of my decisions for myself and determine what's going to make me happy. And I can't do that when someone is standing there constantly manipulating, using guilt, bringing up the past, and straight up trying to gaslight me.

I love my brother and he's not a bad person. I don't want anyone to think he is, because he's not. However, my brother treats me very differently than he treats other people. He's always had me to depend on, and fall back on, and essentially get his ass out of whatever situation he put himself in, because I was raised to believe I had to. That was my normal and how I thought things HAD to be. Because the few times I rebelled against that "code" throughout my life, it was always me that had to deal with the shame and repercussions.

Except, with all the things I've learned and have been trying to process for the last few years, I know now that it doesn't HAVE to be this way. It's still this way because I'm allowing it to be this way. And I feel... done.

Done with trying to be the people pleaser... done with putting everyone else before myself... done with worrying about if someone is going to judge me if I let them in a little... done with feeling I can't make changes and live the life I want to live for myself because I'm being weighed down by all consuming guilt.

Just... fuckin done, dude.

I've been having these thoughts and feeling restless for awhile now. I didn't know what it was or how I was feeling. But, I've been feeling something akin to a buzz throughout my entire body.

In the past, I've touched on how hard things were after momma passed away. My walls crumbled and my mind swirled. I, for lack of a better term, broke mentally. It was hard and devastating and there were days I honestly didn't know if I could come back from wherever that black hole was leading me. I worked hard... really hard... to pull myself out of that. And I would never have been able to do it without the support, understanding, compassion, and acceptance I received and continue to receive from my husband.

And when I tell you I absolutely never wanna go back there... that it scares me to go back there... I would be telling you the most honest truth that I have to offer. Having your mind work against you to the point you feel you won't ever get to the other side is fucking terrifying. I can't and I won't go back to that, because the next time I may not be so fortunate and be able to bring as much of myself back with me this time around.

So... changes. Changes need and have to be made. For me, my family, and my peace of mind.

But, changes are hard. And while I am completely ready to make those changes and willing to accept the consequences of my decisions, it's still hard. 

Hard to rewrite almost thirty-five years of being molded into a people-pleasing caregiver who puts everyone before herself. And yes, when that term was used to describe me I thought... fuckin ouch... but also, I felt completely understood and seen. And that feeling fucking sucked too. Because accurate... but also, now completely brought to my attention and I don't want it. I've known it for a very long time... and fuckin NO. No more.

I'm going to ask my brother to move out of our house. And by our house, I mean mine and my husbands. And by ask him to move I mean... it's not an option, you have to move, but I'm asking you to understand my reasoning.

I would like to have a loving, understanding, adult conversation about it. I really would and I would love for my brother to just accept it and move on and we could have a normal sibling relationship. Because I still want him in my life... just not constantly in my house. I would like him to understand that I'm not coming from a place of malice but from a need to have the freedom.

My brother has had the opportunity to live with his first wife, live with his second wife, live with his child, switch hit jobs, and couch hop. Because he knew at the end of the day if he really needed it, he could run home.

But, guess who was always providing that roof and stability? That's correct... I was. I was being an adult and making sure everyone was taken care of while making no decisions or changes for myself. And I'm done with it, it's time I start thinking for me and stop worrying about what everyone else is going to do. I'm responsible for me... my husband... our pups. Because that's my choice. MY choice.

I didn't think we would have to come here. I honestly thought my brother would see the situation we're in... I thought he would acknowledge all my sacrifices over the years... I thought he would want me to have the opportunities that I haven't been afforded in the past. I thought he would spend a couple more years at the house and then he would move out and Dev and me could go on with our married lives.

That's not what happened though. My brother has made it very clear that he not only has no intention of leaving, but he also doesn't care how rude, disrespectful, or ridiculous he is in the process.

And on this past Sunday... a switch flipped for me. I'm not going to do this anymore. If he has no intention of growing up, well, he's gonna have to not grow up somewhere else. Because he has options. My brother was supposed to live with me because he "needed" to. But he doesn't "need" to anymore. He does because it's convenient for him and he gets his way 24/7. And while that's all fine and dandy for him, it ain't fucking working for me anymore.

I'm going into my fourth year of marriage and thirty-fifth year of life and have never got to live with my husband completely on our own. Never once did my brother even think that I may need to or want to make changes to better my life. He only thought of himself. And I figure, if he's always thinking about only himself... maybe I should start thinking and doing for myself too. He doesn't care how his decisions affect me because it's his life... so... samesies, bro.

So yes, while I would like to have an understanding conversation about this, I also know my brother. And my brother has a history, specifically with me, to become extremely volatile when he doesn't get his way. And he certainly isn't going to like this. Honestly, because of that, my mind is working every angle and playing every scenario in my head through and it's driving me crazy. 

Because I know no matter what his reaction is, or what the consequences of those actions are, my mind is made up and I'm standing my ground. I'm not going to be that person anymore. I'm going to be the person I want to be, and try things I've never been able to try, and make decisions for my life without thinking about if someone else will be ok with them.

Perhaps that makes me selfish or a horrible human being, but... I think... if that's what you really think... I can live with that too.