What is it called when you're feeling Bittersweet and Jacked to Jesus?

It's officially here. Today is my last day at my current job. Come 3:30 this afternoon, I will no longer be employed with the company I have put my heart and soul into for going into fourteen years.

And it is... bittersweet. 

I wouldn't know and can't seem to find the correct words to describe what I'm feeling today. Sad for sure... but in a nostalgic kind of way. Yeah, I never planned on leaving and I love my job... but I'm here now and we have to part ways. 

Onwards and upwards and such... right? I don't know... I'm sad and overwhelmed... emotional to say the least. But... I'm also excited and nervous and... well... for lack of a better word... pumped. I'm sad to see this chapter of my life come to a close but I'm excited to see where it will take us.

A few people have asked me how I'm feeling and the closest thing I can come up with is it's like when you're a kid and you have to transfer schools. You're scared and nervous... maybe even a little upset it has to happen. But, then you accept that it does in fact have to happen and the emotions become overwhelming.

That's what it feels like... even though it's much more serious... though it feels equally as serious when you're a kid.

So yeah... feeling somewhere between Stand By Me and Mad Max. 

Honestly, I'm pretty sure I'm feeling the most sad about leaving Dani and losing my routine. I'm not gonna lie, at the end of the day and at the risk of sounding like I have emotions... I love her. She's done so much for me as a person and I'm gonna miss having that reassurance of her at my back. The good, the bad, and the ugly... throughout it all, we've been through it side by side for years. I hope we still have a relationship after I'm gone, but this life and change can't guarantee me anything. So hopeful, but resigned. Furthermore, I know this job, I can do this job, and I'm used to this job. I'm confident and capable when it comes down to it.

But after today and come Monday? I'm starting fresh. New. Somewhere completely different with a new atmosphere and a completely different team. It's a shock to the system to say the least. But... I'm excited. Sure, it's pretty likely I'm gonna have to look like a nerd when I go into the office (I can't wait to play that Clark Kent life- ha!) since it's a completely different environment, but it's a change and a challenge and I feel up to the task.

Do I feel like there's going to be a learning curve? Do I think it's gonna be hard and stressful and overwhelming? YES... to ALL of it. And then some. But... I'm also jittery about it. I've been itching for a life change for a very long time. To the point I can feel that shit under my skin. While this is very much not the way I envisioned making the change... I'm also not mad about it anymore.

It literally is what it is and we are moving forward with it.

At high speeds. Screeching tires. With music blared and the windows down. 

I don't know what the future holds. I don't know if I'm gonna succeed or end up living under a bridge. I honestly just don't have answers right now. But, what I do have is an amazing husband and two wonderful furbabies that make life worth stumbling through and that depend on me. I have determination to see this through and find our way to the life we want to live. I have the will to be happy and peaceful and live a beautiful life surrounded by happiness.

I'm thankful for the time with my company. I've grown and learned and gave it my all. But now, it's time to say goodbye, set down my title, and walk away with some dignity and grace. 

So... no... I don't know how I'm feeling. Because I have all the feelings. But, I know that change is here and I'm bracing for impact with Dev, Sparkles, and Steve at my side. 

Because come this afternoon... LIFE IS DIFFERENT.

Hopefully, it's the last long drive before the BIG one.🌞🌻🌞🌻🌞

We spent Thanksgiving week in Florida with Dev's side of the family. We don't usually go down for holidays... we're more of a "come down for vacation once a year and for emergencies and unplanned happy events (ie: weddings and Jelly concerts)" type of folks... but Dev's mom asked us two or three months ago if we would come down this year... and... well... I can't tell that woman no to save my whole life.

Sooo... I worked Monday and then we headed South. (With my trusty laptop in tow because I still had some shit to do for the rest of the week because no rest for the weary and all that).

The trip down was pretty good... we made decent timing and our pups were chill and enjoyed the ride. Sure, it's always alot, but once we're there... we're good to go. You know why? Because we pulled up to my MIL's around nine in the morning... parked Trudy... and didn't start her again until we left out for my FIL's on Saturday evening. When I tell you my in-laws are the best, I ain't bullshitting.

The trip back North? Stupid. Between "Severe Winter Weather" advisories and people not realizing they're operating a vehicle so they should probably be paying attention to that... it was mayhem. We ended up taking backroads for the last forty miles of our trip home, because the interstate backed up and people were acting a fool. 

I digress. Mostly because I refuse to spend anymore time trying to figure people out. At least for the time being.

Our pups were probably the most excited. Between all the attention, snacks, cuddles, and general merriment of their existence, they were living their best lives.

My Gatorbaby? He always thrives when he's home. What can I say? He's a Sunshine State boy through and through. He's never not happy and breathtaking when we're there. He loves his family and the happiness that pours out of him when we're around them damn near brings tears to my eyes every damn time.

Me? I also thrive down South. I'm what my FIL (Pops) refers to as feral... barefoot, sunburnt, hair unbrushed, legs unshaved... it's chaos of the highest order. And I fuckin' love it. So does my husband and his entire family. Peaceful Katie is the best Katie.

With all the changes headed our way... we're hoping the next trip we have to make down South is THE last trip and therefore, moving time. *fingers-crossed*

Life has been stressful and chaotic lately... between life changes and house renovations and pups with skin irritation and frigid weather and people in general... yeah, it's just been overwhelming. So, we needed to get away and have a break and spend some time with people we love the most and love us the best.

We spent Thanksgiving with all the family that got to come over and the rest of our days were spent relaxing, hanging out with my in-laws (and one of my SIL's for a couple days), doing projects (ie: refinishing a table and watching my FIL put together a four-wheeler), watching my hubby do some bomb-ass tattoos on my MIL and SIL, and just imagining and planning our future.

When I tell you I've been a nervous wreck and overwhelmed... I ain't lying. The unknown and instability and changes that are coming have been on my brain and playing on loop for weeks on end. I've driven myself to the brink and back more than once. I honestly thought I was about to break in half. But... when they assured us we weren't alone and were welcome and loved and missed and needed? Something in me calmed and shifted. Sure, this is still scary... but worth it and thrilling. I'm still scared because of the unknown but I feel better knowing my hubby's family has our backs.

And the life we're trying to build and is on the horizon? Riveting.

We're in the process of: get us the f*ck outta here.😵‍💫😮‍💨🥴

Have you ever been... done? Like, I don't like it... I can't take it... I don't want it... done? Happened to us. And why did it happen to us? You can thank this city and all it encompasses. 

Where to start? More shootings and violence down the street from us than you can shake a stick at. It's ridiculous and overwhelming. Do you know how disheartening it is to turn on the radio and constantly hear your neighborhood on the news? And yeah, I know there's violence and horrible shit no matter where you go... but the fact there are almost a million people in this city and people don't give a shit to open their crazy in the streets with innocent bystanders... well... here we are. And I want to get the f*ck OUT. I just picture the life I have... the life I want... and they are very different.

The life I want doesn't include nasty people, or terrible situations, or overwhelming amounts of stress. The life I currently have... does. And I want peace and calm and stability. I want to be able to be my weird self and those around me just love me for me... no other reason or rhyme, no manipulations, no guilt, no judgment, just because I'm me and they love me.

So... I went to my boss. And I laid it all out. Told her about the stress and nastiness of our surroundings being overwhelming. I want out of this city and situation. But... I love my job, so it was the last man standing between me and this decision. I don't want to leave my job... I've built it for going on fourteen years and it's a piece of me. Something I take pride in. Something I have complete faith and confidence in doing. I asked to transition to a remote position. And I asked this with the understanding that it wasn't guaranteed, but with the thought that I was willing to give/take and do so much to make it work, that it could be a very real possibility. I know everyone in a company is expendable. I have no illusions that I run the show (I'm very aware I don't), but I have always done whatever is asked of me and I have exceeded every single expectation that they have ever presented to me. I've helped pull the company back from the brink multiple times. Not on my own, but as a dedicated member of the team. Put policies and procedures in place to ensure the company could move forward and streamlined as much as possible. Again, not on my own... but as a dedicated member of the team. They've quite literally never presented me with an issue where I didn't look at it and say, well, we gotta do what we gotta do and then we got it done.

But... the answer was no. I couldn't really tell you the reasoning why other than it's "not feasible" and comes down to "financial" at the end of the day. I was asked though... could I train this other girl in the office to do my job and then work for my company until I'm settled once I move and then I can figure out my next steps? I mean, sure? I guess I'll just do my job until you decide you don't need me anymore and then call it a day? Thanks for not just kicking me to the curb immediately I reckon.

Fourteen years. Damn near a decade and a half. And here we are. 
Guess they really didn't like the green hair.

Anyways... our will to get the f*ck out of Indy hasn't changed. We're doing it differently than what we imagined and I'm certainly more terrified of this change than I've ever been, but I'm also excited and ready to get the f*ck out of here. I'm ready to have peaceful mornings and be in the country and live a small and quiet life with my husband and our babies. 

Should've cut bait when I lost my Momma. Really should've cut bait when we got tackled by a guy with a knife on our motorcycle going over 40 mph. Should've cut bait when my brother did whatever it is he does. I'm learning I should've done this a long f*cking time ago.

I think people are forgetting the fact it takes very little to make us happy and I don't actually have the need to have a "career." Bro, I love it and I'm proud of it... but... I'll be ok with just a job too. Doesn't have to be a career. We can literally just work to live, not live to work. And Walmart seems to be hiring night shift.

We don't need alot... and we'll figure out the rest. The most important part? It's that we have each other, we're in this together, and one way or the other, we will figure it out. Starting with getting ready to sell this house and bounce.

So... watch out, Florida. Because within the next year (if we can manage to pull this shit off), the Glissons are coming back. And this time, we're coming home to stay. (Not counting the fact we'll see you next week for Thanksgiving).

“You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.” -Anne Lamott

🐝I just want to be a beekeeper and live a peaceful f*cking life.🐝🐝

Y'all ever have one of those days where you think to yourself, "if I could guarantee the outcome, I'd be all in?" Yeah, that's me... only... not so much a day as an existential crisis. But whatever... I'm trying.

Dev and me live in Indy because of my job. Full stop... no other reason. Honestly, if it wasn't for my job, my ass would've bounced when I lost momma. Why? Because the city is not for me and I am woefully unhappy here. And yeah, I know there's nonsense and meanness no matter where you go... but I feel better about it in the country. I know how to handle it in the country. This city life? Pass. Too much, too many, too close, too soon, just TOO EXCESSIVE.

But here we sit... because financial stability. 

Don't get me wrong, I love my job. Sure, it's not the most glamorous position in the world, but it's mine and I've worked really hard to get where I am. There's only so far to climb in my company, but I feel like I have value as an employee and honestly, that's enough for me. I've never wanted fancy or to be "a boss bitch" so where I'm at is a good little spot for me. I know my job and not to toot my own horn, but I'm fairly efficient and know my shit... mostly. So yeah, I love my job and everything that it's given me. I never thought I would make the money I do in the position I'm in with the level of background and education I have.

However... if I could do my exact job remotely? From somewhere that doesn't require me to be in this city and try to build our lives here? From literally our peaceful little spot that we dream of? Yeah... I would love it even more. And the thing is... my job can be done remotely. We've tried it... succeeded in the short term... I can only imagine the level I could accomplish if I built a hub in our home and set everything from my office up. I truly believe I could not only do it, but do it just as well as what I do from here. BUT... I don't know if that would even be an option. It's never been done before in our company... and I don't know if it would be something they would be open to even discussing. I mean, sure it's never been done... but then again, my position didn't even exist until we built it into what we needed.

So yeah, that worries me because the stability I have at my job is unmatched by everything else I've encountered in my life. And while I would love to be the freespirit I feel on the inside, the fact remains that I've been working to support a family since I was fourteen years old and that part of my brain just won't shut off. You know, the... we'll have to start over, budgeting columns, what-ifs... all of it. It won't stop and it won't shut down and honestly it's running on a loop in my head driving me crazy.

However... if me and Dev keep talking and it comes down to it, I'll have a choice to make. I would try to establish the remote position first... try everything I could... but if that wasn't an option, I would have to choose. And the choice would be... stay in Indy for my career and chance that everything will be there for us until we get to retirement... or take the gamble and move my husband back to his family.

While it would be a hard decision to restart... it's also getting harder to justify my career over our happiness. Because lord knows my hubby is as unhappy here as I am. If he had his way, we would've been back in the sunshine state a few years ago.

And it's not like we haven't tried to build something meaningful and beautiful here. We've lived our lives and tried our best to be good to people. And while I would love to say we could show you the fruit of our labor, the fact of the matter is, no one gives a shit around here. My family essentially went on a tour telling people that Dev was gonna move me back to Florida and take me away as soon as we got married... he didn't... but they did stop inviting us to stuff, reaching out via the telephone, and continue with, "Katie changed."

Yeah... Katie changed... Katie lost her mom and had her entire world flipped on it's head and it's been nonstop ever since. Forgive me if I needed a breather from cookouts and holidays for a little bit. I wasn't trying to be excommunicated... I was trying to survive.

Ever since my brother moved out... I rarely hear from him. He made a big spiel about "not wanting to lose our relationship" when he moved out and I told him we were adults and perfectly capable of having a normal sibling relationship where he lived with his family and I lived with mine. I was apparently wrong about that... but not wrong about the fact my brother is resentful and petty about it. In the past month, I've reached out on four separate occasions just trying to catch up and maybe set up a time to hang out... he's rejected them all and contacted me once to tell me about our nephew having an accident and needing stitches. In fact, we haven't seen our nephew since my brother moved out. He works four minutes from our house and lives twenty minutes from us... but does he stop by? Nope. And while I would love to just swing by his house to say hi once in awhile, his living arrangement is different and not open for popups. Is he trying to punish me by not letting me see my nephew because I put my foot down and made him move out? I don't know... but either way... it feels real lonely on that front too.

And I get it... the rest of my family has their own families to worry about. I understand and I'm happy that they're happy... but clearly... I don't fit into the narrative. My aunts and uncles and cousins have their own children and grandchildren and my brother still has his father and his own child. Dev and me don't want kids... so I guess... we're just done?

Maybe I feel wrong about it, but it is how I feel. I'm not resentful or angry or sad about it, it's more of a clarity of the situation. And the truth is, I did in fact move to Indy for momma. I never would've chosen to come here on my own. I might not have stayed where I was, but I'm definitely not the same as my momma on that front. She was a city girl through and through... me?

Not so much.

Dev? Dev still has family that not only needs him but wants him... and me too. They want to include us in their everyday lives and holidays and they have our backs regardless. While I can say I have one or two people that have my back like that (ok... one and it's Dani) he has a list. And it's beautiful to see. I know he misses his family. Hell, I miss his family. Every time we go down there it feels right and my chest decompresses in a way it simply doesn't in the city.

His family up here? One-sided, not unlike mine. Everything was all fun and games when we were putting in all the effort, fronting money, driving the miles, and essentially doing it all. The minute we stopped putting forth 100% of the effort? That friendship fizzled and died out faster than a firecracker. Sure, he still texts his cousin, but the relationship we had with him and his family? Evaporated. All because we said enough was enough.

Hilariously enough, kind of like the situation with my brother.

The friendships we've tried to build have been no damn different.

I would love nothing more than to sell our house, move to that little ten acres in northern FL, build a hub to work remote, and start living our dream lives right this second.

But again... stability. And the unknown. 

It's hard to "go with the flow" or "take a chance" when literally all responsibility has been on your shoulders for as long as you can remember. And I know I don't have to live that life anymore... but old habits die hard and all that. I've had to start over so many times out of pure survival that I don't know how to kickstart something new without breaking mentally. It's frustrating and quite frankly, I hate that part of myself. I would love to make a decision strictly just because it's what I want and let the chips fall where they may and know everything will work out in the end. Except... I'm not built like that. I want to be... but conditioning has a stronghold that's hard as f*ck to fight.

You know, I always had this joke once I got the job I have now that I'm here until I'm either "fired or retired." But, I don't think I ever really thought it through for what it was. They've recently increased the retirement age from 65 to 67. Let's be real, Social Security won't exist by the time it's my turn and the fact they want people to quite literally work their asses off until they're essentially in the nursing home is f*cking laughable. Early retirement is at least 55... probably soon to increase... and even then there are so many penalties and fees. There's literally no such thing as working to an end goal anymore. People just want to take and take and we're forced to keep giving if we want to keep up. It's f*cking exhausting.

I say that to say... that means I have AT LEAST another twenty to thirty(ish because a few more than that) years to go before I can even think about retiring. Which means, if we wait until retirement to build the life and dream we want, we may very well be too old or dead to enjoy it by then. Not to be morbid... but the world is crazy these days and our luck is horseshit.

I want to continue my job until it's time to lay it down... but I don't honestly believe I have another twenty to thirty or more years left where we are. Even if I did, why would we want to build somewhere we're miserable and wait to be surrounded by all we want until then?

You know, that whole fairy godmother with the sprinkles thing I've been trying to manifest for the last couple of months would come in real handy right about now. It would be nice to be able to make a decision in life strictly based on happiness and want not finances and turmoil.

It's out there. It's on our minds and in our conversations and I would be lying if I said I wasn't going crazy thinking everything through a million times. I keep waiting for something to give or change or I don't know what, but I know sooner or later I'm gonna have to choose. Not like "CHOOSE" but choose, because something's gotta give and we can't keep being miserable.

He made a comment the other day when we were talking... and while I know he didn't mean it in a bad way... I felt the honesty in it and it hit me in the chest. He was trying to tell me how he feels and said he wanted to spend time with his parents while he still could. And... I get that. My parents are gone. My one sibling could care less. I haven't seen my nephew in over a year. Lost my grandparents years ago. Dev still has three parents, two grandparents, three siblings (four if you count his friend that may as well be my third BIL), and a slew of nieces and nephews. All of whom would give anything for their boy to come back to his roots.

While I grew up in Tennessee... I have no desire to go back there. I want to be surrounded by familiar but new. Comfort but depth.

Our fifth wedding anniversary is next month. Five years of building and trying and doing and loving. I wouldn't trade it for anything, but I do often think about the next anniversary... and the next... because I want us to be as happy together as possible, but is it possible to be your happiest self when you're miserable with your surroundings? I don't know. I would like to believe I'm enough, but that's not really fair to my husband. Sure, I may be enough... but should I be? When he has the option of so much more? He could be surrounded by people and places that are good for his soul.

And I could learn to be whomever I've always wanted to be. No pressure or restrictions or expectations. Just me with my husband and babies on a little farm, tending to bees, growing plants. I could learn all the things I've always wanted to and try and fail and succeed and grow and be at peace.

What I want: build a homestead, bake bread, grow plants, tend to bees, play with my pups, have early mornings on the porch with my husband, spend time with family, go to events, cook holiday meals, run through the woods with Dev on my heels... peace. Stability. Happiness. Tranquility. To be able to exist and just be still. Just be me.

What I need: a miracle.

I don't know where the future will take us. I don't know where I'll be this time next year. I don't know if I'll be sitting right here in thirty years or if I'll get hit by a meteor by my next birthday.

What I do know is one day soon I'm gonna have some decisions to make and whether good, bad or ugly, the questions will come knockin' whether I'm ready for them or not. Why? Because mental health is no joke and mine is patchy at best. And honestly? Seeing my husband so depressed is too much. It's devastating and makes me want to cry on the regular. He says he's good, but he forgets that I know him and I see it. I don't know how he doesn't resent me (he assures me he doesn't), because I would resent me. I mean, he's literally only here because of me and I'm literally only here because of my career.

Dun dun dun.

I know we'll probably give it until the beginning of the year and reevaluate. So between now and then, if the universe could help me out and sprinkle some of that goodness down, that would be greatly appreciated.

🌻I just grow sunshine in the backyard.🌻🌻And other ramblings.

Life is hectic. And crazy. And exasperating. And expensive. And hard. And overwhelming.

Life is beautiful. And fun. And full. And happy. And wild. And exquisite.

And we're all just along for the ride and hoping for the best. I've never wanted a big life. There's nothing in my personality that screams boss bitch in a Mcmansion with fourteen spoiled children. Never wanted it.

What I have always wanted was a small life. A happy life... stability. And to spend it with someone who chooses me first... every single time... no hesitation.

I found my person... and I'm so lucky and grateful for it.

Our life... while chaotic and hard at times... is ours and we're trying our best. Neither of us have ever wanted big. We've just wanted safe... and ours... and each other.

BUT... if y'all got a spare fairy godmother out there floating around, we'll take one of those too. You know what they say... manifestation and shit.

This weekend was... different. Any weekend I get to spend all the time with my hubby is amazing... but this weekend was weird for us. I don't know why. Probably because we had company on Saturday and then it stormed all day. And then Sunday morning the power company blew our transponder and we didn't have power for seven hours.

So... we did a load of clothes at Bonehead's and hung out. But Dev was sick... so home we went... to dead ass quiet. There was also an oil change in there for Trudy. And our pups went to Bonehead's with us and hung out with the babies... Sparkles loves heights...Steve doesn't do down the stairs. It was hilarious and adorable.

On the plus side? Dev got his tray, fake skin, and new ink. And I got a Tymo. Could we afford it? Probably not. Am I waiting for a miracle to pull us out of this funk and set us into my fantasy? Perhaps. #wishfulthinking

My cup plant though? Thriving and wreaking havoc. I think it might be a bit roid-raged out on motor oil... TBD.

Whose f*cking roads are you talking about again?!??!

I seen a recent study... survey... whatever you want to call it.

There was an article that claimed Indiana has some of the best roads, if not THE best roads in the US. And as someone who lives in and traverses the Indy roads on the daily... on behalf of our city (and most of the state) I call bullshit.

And if you don't believe me... I got receipts.

Last year when we still had Doug Judy... had to buy five tires in five months. That doesn't include the patches.

This year? With four months to go?

In June... Bonehead patched my tire for me.

Last month... had to have Trudy's front tire replaced completely because of a hole in the sidewall.

And just this week... me AND Dani had to have our tires replaced. My front passenger side. Her rear passenger side.

So... this whole best roads in the country bullshit you're trying to sell? We ain't f*cking buying.

Dev and me travel ALOT... lots of states... lots of highways and county roads.

Indiana? F*cked. Ohio? F*cked. Michigan? Amazing... after the first couple of minutes from point of entry. Y'all keep doing you! Tennessee? F*cked. Kentucky? Yee-F*cking-Haw kinda f*cked. Georgia? Pretty good. Alabama? F*cked. Florida? North is fantastic... once you start getting midways? F*cked.

The audacity of these folks to even pretend these roads aren't Jacked to Jesus and we're all just doing the best we can. If they're so fantastic, then y'all pay for all these tire problems... cause shit be expensive!

You make my little heart happy.💜💜💜

(Side note: We got back from FL 6/29 and my FIL had surgery yesterday... but I have not had the mental strength to deal with that little catchup... so... another day perhaps. Today though? Things that make my heart smile).

My husband is very good at showing he appreciates me... both in our every day lives and when it comes to the level at which he is attracted to me.

He doesn't just tell me I'm beautiful... he shows me he thinks I'm beautiful from the inside out every single day. I'm lucky... and grateful.

He's a cheeky little shit... and as charming as you could get. Dude has been talking me into his crazy and out of my panties for years.

But every now and then... he pulls a new little compliment out the bag and it throws me and makes me blush. Most recently?

As I was walking out the door for work earlier this week... 6:30 in the morning... hair askew... weariness creeping in... he looked me up and down... cocked his eyebrow... smiled... and said... you look like you're ready to go fight a bitch today.

And honestly? I prefer that over beautiful. #ProjectBadass

Our resilient little troopers.💚💜💚💜

Like I said earlier... life be crazy. And with the craziness that is our lives and the fact we've been in Florida going on two weeks... my stress? My hubby's stress? Astronomical. Our faces are breaking out... our gut health is ridiculous... and honestly? Between his heart condition and my nervous twitches, let's just say... we've looked and felt better.

But, you know who never fails to be the best of the best and make everything better? Our furbabies.

Since we've been here, Sparkles has run this property to his little hearts content. He's usually my sleepy/napping boy, but five acres in the Florida heat? He's in heaven. Watching him gallop and flop around? Good for my soul. Steve has embraced her inner-Tuwanda! (she has a swollen ankle that we're monitoring and thankfully, is going down and ripped off two toenails) and has been going a mile a minute. 

Are they confused and unsure about what's going on? Yep. Do they let it bother them? Nope... as long as they still get babied and snacks. Lots of snacks. They're insane and all over the place and somehow always the calm to our storm. Having a bad day? Cuddle your baby.

Those other mamas are right... it really is the best medicine. Nothing like it.

Life is looking a little crazy right now.

Let me start this by saying... I thought we all agreed that 2025 was going to be a better time. Like... just in general and away from all the tomfuckery that has managed to invade our lives the last... however long it's been. Are we all stuck in some crazy fever dream right now?

I digress. Because if not... well... it's been a long couple of weeks.

Dev and me have been in Florida for over a week now. And while that may sound like vacation fun for most, let me assure you, if this is your idea of a vacation, neither of us EVER want to go on vacation with any of you. NEVER EVER.

A few weeks ago, Dev's daddy had to be rushed to the ER. After a week in the hospital, he was diagnosed with pancreatitis, told he had a pocket of fluid above his pancreas/pushing on the back wall of his stomach, and needed his gallbladder removed. He was sent home to "manage the inflammation" until his doctor returned from vacation. 

Cut to the Friday before last...I get a call at work in the afternoon from Dev telling me his daddy's friend is taking him back to the ER because he's in so much pain. So I immediately call my boss, pack everything I need to work remote, and headed to the house. We loaded up the car and our babies and to Florida we came. It takes us approximately thirteen hours to make it to the part of Florida we need to be. Luckily... this isn't exactly our first f*cking rodeo.

Eleven hours after making it to the ER waiting room, my FIL was finally admitted... and he's been there ever since. I'm not usually one to complain about healthcare. I've worked it... I've lived it... I understand it... I KNOW things can only move so fast and you can only do so much.

But when I tell you this has to be the most frustrating hospital experience of my entire life, I'm not exaggerating. I dealt with a lot of crazy shit when it came to Momma's health... A LOT. But this? Come the f*ck on. He was in the hospital from Friday afternoon (admitted Saturday morning) and they literally did no testing on him until Wednesday. Which is when they did the CT scan... and determined the fluid pocket hadn't gotten better under their "supervision"... it had actually gotten worse... and there were two.

You know what that means? That means his Thursday gallbladder removal was cancelled, and a Friday endoscopy with drainage was scheduled. Should be fine, right? Cool... it happened... they drained, put a stint, had a look around. Cool. Informed us they had to go in and do it again on Monday. Ok... but they don't know if or when they'll be taking his gallbladder. Why? Because they want to see if the inflammation can be managed. You mean the inflammation that had increased by six because this wasn't handled three weeks ago? And then what?

Don't know. We've had three doctors... doctors... not nurses, techs, administrators, case managers, no... DOCTORS tell us THREE different things and while they all start the conversation with "I've conferred with my team of fellow doctors" not a damn one of them seems to have EVER talked with the other two. They're confused, unfocused, and quite frankly, I don't understand how my FIL thinks they're so fantastic when literally the ball has been dropped at every opportunity presented.

He gets a new tray each time there's a meal because they can't agree on which diet he should be on... he was told to tell them as soon as as he feels pressure in his spine because they need to manage his pain for the inflammation... and then proceed to get lost in route to their medcart. And before people get butthurt, YES, I know nursing is a stressful and strenuous job and things happen out of your control. Multiple patients, one of you. I get it and I empathize. You can't drop everything for one person and you're not at their beck and call. I get it. However, when your patient has strict instructions and you leave their room and say "I'll grab that and be right back" and then I have to track you down over two hours later because at this point he's in fetal position pain, that's a f*cking problem. I shouldn't have to find a completely different nurse, ask where she is, get the response "I have no clue where she is" and tell them to find her before I throw a temper tantrum level hissy fit that would make my ancestors raise up and be proud of my level of petty before they assist him and do what the orders say.

COME ON. 

Unless you are working the triage unit of the ER... why the f*ck are you not on your own floor taking care of the patients assigned to you?

I didn't pull this shit out of my hat... they're your rules and guidelines and you're not even f*cking following them? Over two hours later? If your time management skills are that shit, perhaps you should find a new career. This one? Not for you. And I say that holding alot of love for nurses in my heart... this isn't an attack on all nursing. This is calling out one situation that repeated itself more than once and they still can't manage to get a handle on it. 

The entire thing is frustrating because they seem as confused and unsure as the rest of us. Hey guys, it's literally y'alls thing to have a plan. That's the whole reason he came here. For the third time. With pancreatitis. That still hasn't been handled. Because it keeps getting put off. And no one can seem to agree on a f*cking game plan.

Fun fact: this is the third time he's been admitted to this exact hospital for pancreatitis (the first time was March 2020).

Fun times. Hopefully, we'll find out something after the second endoscopy/drainage tomorrow, but with this team of doctors and staff? I'm not holding my f*cking breath. Mostly because I don't trust a damn one of them to know how to get me breathing again once I pass out.

My FIL? Pissed... irritable... angry... all the adjectives that encompass being rude and shit to my husband. And yeah, I understand he's frustrated and at his wit's end and he wants to go home, but f*ck, Dev is literally the ONLY person trying to help and he's getting a f*cking flogging for it. My BIL? Fantastic at being completely unhelpful and self-victimization. So... that's fun. Everybody else? Has an opinion or excuse but no justified reasoning.

And my husband? Bless his sweet, big, amazing heart. He's trying his best and doing all he can. We've been to the hospital everyday to visit, get updates, and cleaned the house inside and out. Cleared land, cut trees, kept the pups on their schedule. And all he wants is to do all he can to help get his dad better... he's not asking for praise or anything else... but not making his life more difficult by fighting, arguing and treating him like shit would be much appreciated. He didn't put anybody in this situation, and he 's doing all he can to help, and somehow he's the bad guy?

Yeah... I'm f*cking over that. My husband has a heart condition and I can't in good conscience let his mental and physical health be determined by shitheads who want to act like children. So... something has to give. Or, I'm going to have to make it give.

Thinking maybe we'll just load up our babies and disappear into the mountains never to be seen or heard from again by any person we've ever come into contact with throughout life.

TBD.

🖤Apparently things do and don't come with age.🖤🖤

I'll be thirty-five in a few days and I have to say... all that shit adults were talking when I was a kid makes alot more sense now.

Yes, when it rains it does in fact pour. My back hurts for no reason as well. And I too miss the grocery prices of my youth, because paying $102 for hamburger meat and a gallon of milk is ridiculous.

I have a bad hip now for no reason whatsoever... just woke up one morning and BOOM... bad hip. Did I sleep on it wrong? How fucking old do you have to be for that to happen? Did I sleepwalk a 5k? Also, if that happened... when did I get the willpower to actually complete a 5k? Did my pups get together and initiate me into Fight Club? Did I Soulja Boy too hard? Like, what happened?

Eyesight? Failing. And failing hard too, not a little blur or anything. No, like full on can't see shit except when I see three of the same thing that isn't even there type level of failing. Driving to work at 6 in the morning with an astigmatism in both eyes ain't for the weak, dude.

Where did all the vitamins in my body go by the way? I've been Vitamin D/Iron deficient since my early twenties and guess what? That shit don't improve naturally with age. I take vitamins and eat proteins and drink milk... and nothing. My body takes a look at those nutrients and is like PASS. And what's the one thing your body needs to thrive? Vitamins. Ugh. (And yes, I know it takes more than that and water is important and blah blah, let me be dramatic).

I've actually thinned out with age... not that I'm complaining about that. 

What I am complaining about though is the fact I spent the first thirty years of my life looking real Henry VIII and now I'm more on the Audrey Hepburn (in body type NOT glamour, beauty or talent) side of things and apparently there's health problems for both? Like... I was heavy and people were like CAREFUL because diabetes and heart disease but now I'm thin and people are like CAREFUL because osteoporosis and heart disease. 

What. The. Fuck. 

Apparently, all of us have weak ass hearts... looking real Grinch over here.

As a woman, they start telling you about all the things that will start going downhill faster than others: weight management, skin elasticity, wrinkles and fine lines, vitamin absorption, hair/skin/nail health depletes.

Like... it's not good enough I can barely walk and bare weight on my left side first thing in the morning but go ahead and make my hair fall out too? The fuck?

There's things you do to try and counteract some of this nonsense... I put vital proteins/collagen peptides in my coffee everyday. I started taking Mary Ruth's multivitamin yesterday. I use retinol and fancy lotion on my face and I moisturize with coconut oil like you wouldn't believe.

Honestly, I don't know if any of it helps or if my MIL just managed to placebo me into thinking the shit I put in my coffee was gonna make me look killer, but either way, I'm rolling with it.

Why? Because with age might come alot of bullshit (and I do mean A LOT), but not all of it is bad.

I've never been more comfortable with my body than I am right now. Yes, even though we tend to close it for maintenance, it's still the best it's ever been... for me. No, I don't look like I used to and we all know I'm not getting any younger... BUT... I'm comfy. And I'm comfy because I'm just me.

I wear what I want, eat what I want, spend money on what I want, live like I want... and I get to do it all with the other half of me. Because we all know Dev just keeps getting better and better with age.

My husband ages like whiskey and I age like fucking bread.

Seriously though, I would say the best thing about age is perspective. I know the things I've done and lived through... and I know there's still more to come. I've come to terms with not every single person liking me and I've realized that the only person my decisions should affect are me. If living my life to my happiest and most comfortable is affecting someone else that much in a negative way... they should probably get some help for that. Why? Because it's not my problem.

You know what is my problem though? This fucking hip. Kidding... mostly.

Thirty-five be looking rough... and I'm not even there for another two weeks.

A real nice man came up to me and my husband at the CVS to invite us to his community benefit… trying to entice us with the promise of food and coats and warmth… because he assumed we were homeless. And honestly? Might go get us some ribs and taters come Sunday, I dunno.

❄️❄️Winter finally snowed up.❄️❄️❄️❄️

There for a minute, we thought we might be skipping winter this year. It was seriously trying to fake us out. The days were warm... the nights breezy... rain in the air. It was kind of like fall... and then... BAM. 

Welcome to the first snow of 2025.

Don't worry about me, I'm doing ok over here... Trudy Judy is a BEAST and I'm much more comfortable in this shit weather in a 4x4 than I ever was in anything else. This truck was meant for me.

And this weather... well... we're dealing with it.

I worked from home on Monday... not due to the weather... rather a migraine... but I also couldn't help but to look through our windows when the snow was coming down and think it just looked magical.

It always does... until your ass has to get out there at six in the morning to scrape windows and dig out your car. Neither of which were on my list... but shout out to the ones doing the thing!

Side note: Aunt Mary got me some kind of subzero windshield cover and that thing is awesome! Seriously, we unhooked it and pulled the snow and ice right off with it!

I worked here and there completing things but if I'm honest, I didn't really "get out" of bed all that much until like two in the afternoon. (The dark is my bestie). But once I did finally get up and moving, Dev and me went outside and started digging out.

And by digging out... I mean he scraped our sidewalk path... we both got all the snow off Trudy and then we took off for the open road... you know, to see how open the roads really were.

They weren't. I don't know what it is about Indy, but I reckon they figured f*ck it and wanted to see what would happen. What happened was people are insane and we all played Mad Max. Good times.

I have to say though, Mad Maxing in Trudy is a whole other level. Why? GOAT mode... that's why.

All that to say we're fricking freezing and I can't wait to get Trudy home to all my babies! We have all frigid temps this week, but it's supposed to snow again on Friday... so... we'll see. Stay safe out there, folks!

It's all a joke until you do the math... then it's just confirmed hilarity.

It's no secret that I'm a little insane for obsessed with my husband. I'm forever hanging around him and constantly on his toes with my nose all up in his business. Honestly, he could stop walking one day and I'll probably be so close behind him we'll both topple over. He'll make sure to cushion my landing before his own and then I'll have to puppy-dog-eye my way out of his annoyance.

And you know what? I'm not even a little bit sorry about it. Why? Because he created this little monster.

That's right, Dr. Frankenstein. Let's not pretend this isn't your doing.

I've always prided myself on being able to take care of... well... myself. Not so much mentally (lord knows that train left the station a couple decades ago... if it ever was stationed to begin with), but financially and physically? I f*cking got this. I've held a full time job since I was fourteen years old and have been responsible for an entire household for as long as I can remember. So, that part? Got it... mostly (we all have our wtf moments in life).

But emotionally? Ha! If you think compartmentalizing every single thing that happens throughout your life and shoving them deep down into the deepest pit of your stomach so you can ignore it... until one day you have a mental break and never fully recover and now you're just a completely different person dealing with a life you have so many questions about and can never receive the answers to is "having it." Then yeah, I got that too.

A little backstory... as most people know, my husband and I met in a little podunk town in Florida when we were fifteen years old. We were highschool sweethearts and when I tell you that man was my dream even when he was still a boy, I'm not just whistling dixie. We were inseparable and had more love for one another than I feel most adults get to experience in a lifetime... until inseparable became separated and we didn't see each other for years. It was hard and sad and quite honestly, it f*cking sucked.

But then, like he's always had a away of doing... he found me and showed up when my entire life was about to fall into ruins. I mean, here he was trying to relearn who I was as an adult and who we were together as people and then I had a complete meltdown and became a person even I didn't know. Honestly, even I had never met the f*cking woman standing in front of him.

Did he run scared for the hills? Probably should have... but he didn't. While most people in general wouldn't want to take on that kind of tomfuckery, my husband looked me dead ass in the eyes and told me we either had it together or we didn't have f*ck all apart. He held my hand and carried me through the trenches. He dried my tears and cradled my body. He fed me and kissed me and made sure he took care of me when I couldn't even think to take care of myself. He didn't have to... it wasn't his responsibility... and yet... you would think the position was made for him.

I have alot of doubts about life... people... situations... but I never have to doubt him.

He's all of it and the it is the best part.

We both like to make jokes about the rebeginning of our relationship. I believe my exact words were something like, "I'm never getting married! No one can hold me down! VIVA LA FREEDOM!!!" Or, something dramatic like that. And he would laugh and tell me we didn't have to be married... we could just be us and that would always be enough.

Sweet, right? Yeah... it was also a dirty trick. I mean, the best kind of dirty trick, but still! I don't know how he did it... I don't know what kind of sorcery he used... but I spent the first thirty years of my life being very vocal about "never getting married" and then he locked it down in less than two years. Well... I mean, he had quite a few years of built up love behind him, but that's neither here nor there.

Less than two years. And in case you're wondering, YES! I did in fact eat crow for my wedding dinner. Thank you very much.

We joke and tease each other about this all the time... but I wouldn't change any of it. I wouldn't change the fact I get to be married to my best friend. I wouldn't change the fact the man of my dreams treats me like a fragile little princess (and yes, I can hear the feminism beating on my door but NOBODY'S HOME RIGHT NOW). I wouldn't change that I get to do life with my soulmate and the other half of myself. I wouldn't change that we have furbabies and have built a life completely unique and special to us.

At the end of the day, I'm not perfect. We're not perfect as people. But to me? Well... he's pretty f*cking spectacularly perfect to me. And to him? Well... I'm sure I'm a little demon but he loves me regardless.

Life for the Glisson clan as a four person crew.

Things without the Xur-Xur are hard. It's sad and frustrating and waking up looking for your comfort pup only to discover all over again that he isn't there to snuggle you is devastating. 

When I lost Tayder, a piece of me went with him. But... I got to spend so many good years with him that every single one felt like a little extra. While Dev already had Xur when we got together, he was only a year old... still a pup... and I got to be his mama for the next six years. Six years... our baby was only seven. Just doesn't seem fair.

I brought our boy home with me today. And while we're still incredibly sad, it did true-up a piece of us that was missing. I don't know what it is, but having him home in one way or another was helpful.

We're trying. And we'll be ok... it's just hard. It's all those little moments and times that you miss when you can't have them anymore. I miss my early morning coffee buddy. Just huffing and puffing but otherwise quiet, content to just following me around and staying close... maybe getting a few kisses and some neck scratches.

So yeah, we still miss him and we're still sad... Sparkles misses his brother something fierce... Steve looked everywhere... and me and Dev are trying. Our family looks different, but we're still our family. We just carry a few we love in a different way now.

It feels hollow and cold... there's just a massive piece missing.💔

The last four days have been... debilitating. I can think of no other word that encompasses the feeling of this. It's sad and I feel cold... down to my bones and throughout my entire body. There's a hollow feeling in my chest and three out of four times when I open my mouth to speak... tears.

We had to say goodbye to our baby, Xur-Xur. 

My big, strong, cuddly grizzly bear got too sick too fast and there was nothing we could do. Literally... nothing. We tried... I begged... BEGGED the vet to give me any other option to where my baby could have a good life and we could keep him. But... there was nothing.

It all started with that hip... when he originally hurt it we made him take it easy and we iced. It seemed to be getting better... slowly but surely... and then he hurt it again. So... we started over with the rest and the ice and again... it started doing better. But then, last week it reverted and kept getting worse instead of better. So... Thursday we loaded our baby up and took him to the doctor.

We had no clue what they were going to tell us. We assumed he would be loaded up on meds... have to have physical therapy... maybe even surgery. Our "worst case scenario" was an amputation or something, because again, we had no clue what was going on. But, he was in constant pain and getting around was terrible for him... so... doctor.

But the news we got... what the fuck? Our baby wasn't just hurt. Our baby had advanced and aggressive osteosarcoma that had already metastasized to his lungs. Our vet pulled up the xrays and my baby was lit up like a fucking Christmas tree. I went through all the options... everything... trying to find some route that let Xur stay with us, but make sure he could have a good quality of life as well. 

And then that vet had to essentially look me in my eyes and tell me there was absolutely nothing we could do for him that wouldn't make him feel a thousand times worse than he already did. Once we came to that fork in the road and we knew there was no "saving" or "improving" we asked how long we would have with him. And if shit wasn't bad enough, he again had to look me in the eyes and tell me they could give me enough meds to keep him "comfy" so we could "have the weekend" but extending it past that would be... well... not recommended.

With that devastating news... we loaded our baby in the car and brought him home and spent Thursday night through Monday morning together. We did everything we possibly could to make him comfy, shower him with affection and love, and just try to make him see how much we love him. He ate all the foods he usually doesn't get (and was a big fan of bacon), got as many cuddles as we could give (you know, the kind we could give because we had to be careful not to hurt him). He had visitors and even his Gma flew up from Florida on Sunday evening so he could spend some time with her.

By the time we were supposed to take him in on Monday, it was very clear to us why they said not to extend any longer. In a matter of three days our baby had lost even more weight (he had already lost a ridiculous amount in a small amount of time), his leg was six times the size it should have been, he could hardly move, his breathing was labored at best and he was never comfortable. Essentially, he was hurting but holding on for us.

But even with all that going on and knowing what we knew... having to make that decision is fucking haunting. No, I didn't want my baby to be hurt or sick... I wanted him to be the free-loving wild card he's always been and I wanted to cuddle him and kiss him and keep him forever. Once that option was no longer on the table... the anger, sadness, disbelief, and emptiness started rearing it's ugly head.

There are so many questions that we'll never have answers to. The fact that we are very much NOT ok with the circumstances doesn't change them. And I know everybody whose ever loved has to deal with this, it's a fact of life, but knowing that doesn't help get you through it when it's your turn.

I want my baby back. I want my grizzly bear to give me cuddles and keep me warm. I want him to get up with me first thing in the morning and wander the house and check in on things while I'm getting ready. I want to be outside with him in the dark to feel safe and I want about fourteen million more excessive kisses. I want to lay my head on his chest and burrow in.

I am not ok. My husband is not ok. And our other two babies are not ok. Xur-Xur not being with us has left a massive hole and none of us know how to fill it. I know we'll move forward together... we love each other... we're a family... but I would be lying if I said our family didn't feel a little lost and broken right now. He was the glue and the comfort and the warmth and how do you account for that when it's no longer there?

We know we did the right thing. Deep down in our bones, we know. We would never want Xur in pain and only wanted amazing things for him. He was the best pieces of both me and Dev that we had to offer the world. But knowing it was right, and coming to terms with it are completely different. We didn't want this... we wanted our baby. I still want my baby and honestly, I kind of want to crawl into a ball and cry and scream until somebody gives me my way. Except, they can't. Because no one or nothing can fix this. And that fucking sucks.

I don't know what happens from here. I don't know what our family is supposed to do or what the dynamic is or how any of this is going to work. We're all just so very lost and so fucking sad.

We all love our Xur-Xur something fierce, we'll miss him always and there will never be another pup that is like him. He was unique and had so much damn love to give. I miss him... I'll continue to miss him... our family will always love and miss him.

He may no longer be here next to us, but he's very much still here. In our minds... in our hearts. In every decision I have to make where love is involved, that's his sweet spot.

Rest easy, my big ole grizzly bear. Thank you so very much for letting me be your mama... it was the greatest gift and something I'll never be able to repay you for. You keep watching out for us and we'll continue to carry you with us until the day we come to join you. I love you so much, Bubs.

It's been four years of saying, "my husband." Yeah, that's the good shit.

Who would have thought we'd not only be MARRIED... but also here we sit... on our fourth anniversary.

Lord only knows the amount of crow I've had to eat because of this man. I swore for the majority of my young life (like... almost the entire first thirty years) that I would NEVER get married because I didn't feel the need to tie myself to someone. And yeah, I know that sounds harsh and maybe a little cynical... but I said what I said.

It was my plan and it was a good plan. Worked out well for me... kind of. I did what I wanted when I wanted and I always had that card in my back pocket of... well... it's not like we're married? So no... I didn't have to justify anything to anyone.

(Years later, I would learn my disdain for marriage stemmed from fear... something I learned with the help of my husband.)

Except... there was a bump off in that plan. When I was fifteen, I met Dev and he quickly became one of the very most important people in my entire life. We went though it all... the good, the bad... the devastating. No matter what we faced or who tried to bring us down... he was mine... and I was his... and that was that.

We had dreams and made plans... but like with most things in life... we were derailed by others decisions.

More than a decade later... Dev came back into my life at a time when neither of us knew it would be the most heart wrenching. I still had the same mindset... no marriage... but we wanted to spend our lives together and set out to do just that.

There's always the bad... no one throughout their lives escape that... but the bad isn't as terrible with your soul standing right next to you to back you up.

Over time, it became abundantly clear to me that he was my solace. My peace... some would say my True North while I attribute the light he brings into my life to be more akin to Aurora Borealis. He is quintessentially my person and I would never want to imagine what life would be without him.

So on the day he asked me to marry him... the day he said he got down on his knee completely expecting me to say no and was so nervous he almost peed down his leg... I didn't hesitate... surprising both of us with my immediacy... when I said yes.

And since that day... I've been giddy. Excited... happy. Because instead of being afraid of what could be... I decided to embrace what actually is. And what is... is the most amazing life filled with happiness, laughter, joy, and an overabundance of love and affection.

Even Jelly looks happy that I’ve been a Glisson for four years. Happy Anniversary, MoGator. You make up the best pieces of my life and make me feel the sunshiniest. I love you so deep in my bones, I don’t know how my muscles hold up.

Why does this always happen to me when my husband isn't there?!

There I was... minding my own business... heading home from work... fifteen minutes early because we had a company meeting today and Dani let me cut out... taking my time and being more cautious... because well... Hurricane Helene brought her bullshit up here... approaching my first round-about... and boom... rear-ended.

Seriously?! That's what I get for having the audacity to be excited to cut out of work early. 

I'm fine... Doug Judy is fine... the little lady that rear-ended me is fine... her car is... well... she'll probably have to get that looked at. Bless her heart... she was the sweetest little thing and felt so damn terrible. Apparently she had just gotten her car back this morning and she said when she hit the brake... her car accelerated.

Whether she overestimated her car's ability or underestimated the distance because her frontend and my back... I don't know... but I truly hope she gets her car fixed and that everything is ok with her moving forward. I don't want her driving around in a faulty car... hopefully whatever the issue is, she's ok.

Poor thing... I got out of my car to check on her once we pulled to the side (and I looked in my rearview and confirmed she wasn't a giant pissed off dude ready to beat my ass for some bullshit... been there)... and I think she honestly thought I was gonna start yelling and being mean to her or something. She looked that scared.

I got her calmed down and let her know I was fine... my car was fine (it's barely a little noticeable dent in my bumper)... and waited until the police showed up to write the report... forty minutes later... but that's neither here nor there. Shit is confusing to me but we got it figured out. I didn't have to do anything... and as far as I know she's good.

So yeah... instead of fifteen minutes early... I was forty-five minutes late. Happy Friday.

🩷I said what I said and I meant every word.🩷

Today, I read something on social media that I actually agreed with. Doesn't happen very often because people tend to be the f*cking worst... but this time... shit stuck. Because accurate and f*cking same, dude.

"I’ll forever be a husband's girl.

When I'm sad, I want my husband. If I'm anxious, I need him next to me. Stressed out - he’s my calm. If I'm sick, he's the one taking care of me. Proud moment to celebrate - he's my #1 cheerleader. Just heard hot gossip - he's the first one I run to with all the tea.

He’s my bestfriend, my security blanket, and my home. I will never not need him by my side." -Sahra King

And it's true... no matter where I am in life, no matter what I'm doing... I need my husband. Not because I can't do it on my own... but because he ensures that I never have to again. And that my friends, is something you can't buy.

You literally have to be fortunate enough to find your person to have it.

Things look different and never to be the same.

When people ask me about things that have changed over the years, there are times it completely throws me off. You would think people would be asking about my married life, my pups, my job, my mental health, my house, basically any of the things people regularly deal with on the daily.

But nope, my physical appearance is the one people have zeroed in on and byGod they're holding true.

"You're so thin!" Happens when you go from a size sixteen to zero.
"How many tattoos do you even have now?" All of them and then some.
"That's not appropriate to wear out." I don't care, I'm f*cking wearing it.

I don't know when or why people started getting super comfortable with commenting on someone's appearance. It's happened for as long as I can remember, and while I've always tried to be the best person I can, I'm not perfect and I'm sure I'm guilty of it myself when I was younger. It's easy to get sucked in and worry yourself with other's opinions on your body... hair... clothes... appearance in general.

But, here I am as an ever-evolving growing woman and I'm saying it- it's NOT ok.

I expect that shit from a teenager... I don't like it and hope they too grow out of it... but y'all bitches out there in the universe are grown. Just walking around trying to passively aggressively tell someone you don't like how THEY look to YOU. 

F*cking kill yourself, Troy.

I used to really care about other people's opinions. So much so that my cousin likes to tell me I'm a "people pleaser" and she's not entirely wrong. I lived, looked like, worked, and talked a certain way for a very long time because I was worried about the perception of me that people would have. I didn't want whatever someone thought about me to reflect poorly on my mother. Honestly, I didn't want to see the disappointment in her eyes and other peoples opinions concerning that to hurt her in any kind of way. I wanted to be a shield. I mean, if I was good enough, and looked good enough, and if I did everything that was expected of me, surely no one could be negative, right?

I held this mindset for over thirty years.

And you know what I learned? I learned that no matter how hard I tried, or what I did, or how right I tried to make it, it was never enough.

Not good enough. Not sparkly enough. Not determined enough. Not complicit enough. Just never enough of anything.

It was exhausting and confusing and honestly, unnecessary. I was so concerned about what other people thought of me, I never stopped to consider if I liked me. I was never comfortable and I thought that was normal. It was easy to chalk it up to, "this is just me and how I am." 

Except it wasn't me and it wasn't mandatory I be that way. Any certain way really. Like an amazing epiphany (and countless talks with my husband) came all at once and one day I was ok being me. Whatever that meant.

If I thought it, I said it. If I felt it, I made it known. If I was comfortable in it, I wore it.

And if I didn't want to do it or it made me uncomfortable or it was too overwhelming? NOPE. Not for me. Thank you, come again next time.

I'm so happy being whole-heartedly and unapologetically me. That's all I've ever wanted out of life. I've never wanted fancy, or extravagant, or overwhelming. Just... simplistic happiness.

"Look how overgrown your grass is!" I f*cking like nature and don't want to be surrounded by manicures.
"You live like white trash!" Blame it all on my roots... I'm not even sorry.
"Pajamas are NOT appropriate public wear!" Says f*cking who?

Once I became comfortable with the fact not everyone, maybe even no one, was gonna agree with how I looked, acted, talked, approached life... it became easier to just keep going with it. I realized life is short and unpredictable and it was far too much to not live it the way I saw fit. No one was living their lives by my standards so why on earth was I taking opinions on the way I live mine into consideration? It had been that way for so long, why hadn't I questioned it?  In fact, I didn't even realize I was doing it. It was almost like I was conditioned a certain way and one day the f*cking levee just collapsed.

I used to be so good at compartmentalization. If I didn't want to deal with something, or feel something, I simply blocked it out and shoved it deep down in the pit of my stomach where it belonged. Out of sight, out of mind, right? If you ignore it, it will all go away. I had no issue with it. Life would sock me on the chin and I'd take the hit, shake it off, and proceed on. 

After Momma, that shit went right out the window. My mental health was so fragile, it felt like it took everything to keep myself any which way together. Even to this day, I can't control my emotions. My mental health is an ever-revolving door of anxiety and debilitating emotional trauma. Call me weak or dramatic all you want, but I truly cannot get a handle on it. If I feel it, I feel it right then and I feel it until I get it taken care of. There is no easy fix or shortcut. I can no longer compartmentalize and all those things I pushed down and away throughout my entire life? I get to feel and deal with them all. They all bubbled to the surface and now I get to fight the battles of my ten year old self at two in the morning for no f*cking reason. Good times.

"You need to do something about your crazy hair." I stopped using heat and like my lion mane.
"It's not very ladylike to be covered in tattoos." Yeah, well it's also not hard to be hit in the mouth with a brick.
"Do you really think that's a good look for you?" dO You REallY ThiNk thaT'S A gOOd LoOk FOR yoU?

When you break it down in that way, you realize all the little things like people's opinions are just that... their opinions. What they say or do or how they think of me, no more affects my life than my opinion does on theirs.

And even if they're somehow allowing my everyday life to affect them, that's not my issue. I did not agree to live my life by anybody else's set of rules or guidelines. I didn't agree to live for them and not myself. I didn't agree to listen to their rules and ideations and conform to their standards. Terms and Conditions, my ass.

"You always said you would never." Yeah, I talk alot of shit.

I know I'm different than I used to be. I had to be. I feel like my entire life has been a never-ending cycle of fight or flight and it's exhausting. The fact that my own mind can overwhelm me to the point of debilitating nothingness is frightening. So yes, I am different. Because I had to learn how to take the person I was and merge that with the person I became so that I could be whole again.

And here I am.

I look different, feel different, and treat people different.

I'm thirty-four years old... I lost the woman I had been closest to and taken care of at twenty-eight... I got married... I lost my pup of twenty years... my family and my husband's family went through a trial of losing many family members and friends in a short span of time... the world lived through a pandemic... I had all my teeth removed from my head and a plate put in... my husband had two surgeries within a year and has ongoing health issues... my two pups have health issues... I was in a carwreck... my husband and I were attacked by a hobo... did no one think change was inevitable? 

Everything about my life and my health and my appearance has changed. Dramatically, I'll give you that... but still, it's all changed.

I'm not the same me... but I am still Katie. The truest form of her. I say inappropriate things and make sarcastic jokes... I have the awfulest dance moves and a bum hip... my hair is wild and I'm covered in colorful tattoos... I work hard and play harder... and when I love, I love with everything I got.

So yeah... everything looks different because it is. There's no secret or trick. There's no game or conspiracy. Things simply just look different... well... because they are.

🔆 Back at it like... well... just back at it. 🔆🔆

Last week was our annual FL trip to see the family. We didn't get to go last year because D had two surgeries, our pups had some veterinary things, and well... shit be expensive. Needless to say, we were well do for some Sunshine State family time.

And once again... the fam did not disappoint. 

We got to my MIL/FIL's house Saturday morning and by Saturday evening, we were at Mitch's bonfire, surrounded by live music (shout out to Silver Springs, FL band- Propaganjah!) and all kinds of people we love.

By Sunday, we were out at River Ranch riding quads and drinking booze. Ok... I only had one beer and a shot of Jack Fire but you get the idea. We were there for hours getting sunburned (peeling, party of one right over here), laughing until our sides hurt, and memorializing our dude... Dennis.

And let's not forget the family dinners (which by the way... you kids need to help your damn mama cook and clean more!), the family injuries (my Gatorbaby fractured his foot and my BIL, Brad, broke a rib), and the family talks (nothing beats early morning coffee with the in-laws!).

We stayed at his mom's Saturday through Tuesday and headed out to my other FIL's house on Wednesday morning. 

On the way over (it's about a three hour drive North), we even got to stop by and see my Uncle Wayne and visit with him for a couple hours! It was so good to see him and get to hang out for a bit. I (technically) have other members of my family that live in FL, but honestly, the only one I cared for seeing was Uncle Wayne. Most people don't see my Uncle the same way I see him. And I get it, he's very opinionated and set in his ways. However, he's never been anything but accepting of me and he truly makes me feel loved just for being myself. I'm 100% me and comfy around him and we both just go with the flow. We're different, and the same, and are just happy to be in each other's lives any which way we can. I love that dude and wish I lived closer so I could see him more often.

By Wednesday afternoon we were at my FIL's house and having a grand ole time. It's much more lowkey at Dev's dads house (he's a han solo liver like us), but we still love going and getting to hang out and spend time with him. More lowkey is not a bad thing for us and honestly, I feel like this trip was really good for all of us. We definitely needed it.

As always, the family teased and asked when we were moving back to FL. We hear it every time and they love to joke and mess with me about it. Ever since I moved out of FL when I was seventeen, I've always said I'll never move back. F*ck FL, right? I ain't going back! I've been talking mad shit for like going on twenty years now. And we all know how much I love to talk shit. 

But... I mean... I talked mad shit about never getting married for almost thirty years and now look at my ass. I f*cking love being married. My husband must think my favorite f*cking meal is crow or something, because I be eating it left right and center when it comes to him. The truth is, we have no plans for moving back. Ok... not "no plans" but no plans in the near future. I know we will, because honestly, if I said let's move today, my hubby would have been packed three days ago. He misses his family... hell, I miss his family. And this trip around, really cemented the fact that yes, one day, we will be going back. 

We always say we're not staying here the rest of our lives. City life is just simply not for me... I do it because I have to but do I like it? No... I never have. I moved here for Momma, and while I don't regret it, it's also not what I would have chosen if it was just me. Truthfully, I want to live in f*ck all nowhere again and very few people have access to me. I want peace and happiness. That's what I want. Nothing fancy or expensive or extravagant. 

The only thing keeping us in Indy right now is my job. I simply can't justify walking away from the stability and amazing job that I have... I also can't leave my girl out to dry. I've been part of this team for going on twelve years and while that might not mean anything for some, it means something to me.

So no... we're not planning on moving back anytime soon. But yes... we are planning to move back someday. When that will be, I have no idea. Maybe retirement... maybe before then. Honestly, life has a way of throwing curve balls my way and one of these days I might say f*ck it and pull an Elizabeth Ann. TBD.

Afterall, with five acres waiting for us... it's something to look forward to. #ForeverHome

You know what we didn't anticipate this time around though? The fact that this past weekend was the Kentucky Derby. F*cking Louisville, amirite? We got beyond lucky when we came through because the highway was a clear and straight shot... but every single exit to get off the highway and into Louisville? F*ck that. Glad we were headed straight through. Although, I will say we watched the Derby with my FIL this year and we actually really enjoyed it. It's not really my thing... even being raised in damn near Kentucky, I'm just not that kind of Derby gal. I mean, I'm f*cking terrified of horses so why would I be about it? But, we had fun and it's added to my list of memories with dad.

So yeah... we had an amazing vacation and my ass 100% almost didn't come back. And this is the first time I said that and I truly mean it. We'll be (hopefully) heading back down in September for a couple days because my MIL is the f*cking best and got me JELLY ROLL tickets. Three days before Momma's 60th birthday and one month before mine and Dev's four year anniversary. Can I get a whoop whoop?!!

And now that we're back home, we have decided (well... Dev decided) that when I'm not at work, we are on vacation time. All about Katie all the time. And I have to say... I don't hate it!