🐝I just want to be a beekeeper and live a peaceful f*cking life.🐝🐝

Y'all ever have one of those days where you think to yourself, "if I could guarantee the outcome, I'd be all in?" Yeah, that's me... only... not so much a day as an existential crisis. But whatever... I'm trying.

Dev and me live in Indy because of my job. Full stop... no other reason. Honestly, if it wasn't for my job, my ass would've bounced when I lost momma. Why? Because the city is not for me and I am woefully unhappy here. And yeah, I know there's nonsense and meanness no matter where you go... but I feel better about it in the country. I know how to handle it in the country. This city life? Pass. Too much, too many, too close, too soon, just TOO EXCESSIVE.

But here we sit... because financial stability. 

Don't get me wrong, I love my job. Sure, it's not the most glamorous position in the world, but it's mine and I've worked really hard to get where I am. There's only so far to climb in my company, but I feel like I have value as an employee and honestly, that's enough for me. I've never wanted fancy or to be "a boss bitch" so where I'm at is a good little spot for me. I know my job and not to toot my own horn, but I'm fairly efficient and know my shit... mostly. So yeah, I love my job and everything that it's given me. I never thought I would make the money I do in the position I'm in with the level of background and education I have.

However... if I could do my exact job remotely? From somewhere that doesn't require me to be in this city and try to build our lives here? From literally our peaceful little spot that we dream of? Yeah... I would love it even more. And the thing is... my job can be done remotely. We've tried it... succeeded in the short term... I can only imagine the level I could accomplish if I built a hub in our home and set everything from my office up. I truly believe I could not only do it, but do it just as well as what I do from here. BUT... I don't know if that would even be an option. It's never been done before in our company... and I don't know if it would be something they would be open to even discussing. I mean, sure it's never been done... but then again, my position didn't even exist until we built it into what we needed.

So yeah, that worries me because the stability I have at my job is unmatched by everything else I've encountered in my life. And while I would love to be the freespirit I feel on the inside, the fact remains that I've been working to support a family since I was fourteen years old and that part of my brain just won't shut off. You know, the... we'll have to start over, budgeting columns, what-ifs... all of it. It won't stop and it won't shut down and honestly it's running on a loop in my head driving me crazy.

However... if me and Dev keep talking and it comes down to it, I'll have a choice to make. I would try to establish the remote position first... try everything I could... but if that wasn't an option, I would have to choose. And the choice would be... stay in Indy for my career and chance that everything will be there for us until we get to retirement... or take the gamble and move my husband back to his family.

While it would be a hard decision to restart... it's also getting harder to justify my career over our happiness. Because lord knows my hubby is as unhappy here as I am. If he had his way, we would've been back in the sunshine state a few years ago.

And it's not like we haven't tried to build something meaningful and beautiful here. We've lived our lives and tried our best to be good to people. And while I would love to say we could show you the fruit of our labor, the fact of the matter is, no one gives a shit around here. My family essentially went on a tour telling people that Dev was gonna move me back to Florida and take me away as soon as we got married... he didn't... but they did stop inviting us to stuff, reaching out via the telephone, and continue with, "Katie changed."

Yeah... Katie changed... Katie lost her mom and had her entire world flipped on it's head and it's been nonstop ever since. Forgive me if I needed a breather from cookouts and holidays for a little bit. I wasn't trying to be excommunicated... I was trying to survive.

Ever since my brother moved out... I rarely hear from him. He made a big spiel about "not wanting to lose our relationship" when he moved out and I told him we were adults and perfectly capable of having a normal sibling relationship where he lived with his family and I lived with mine. I was apparently wrong about that... but not wrong about the fact my brother is resentful and petty about it. In the past month, I've reached out on four separate occasions just trying to catch up and maybe set up a time to hang out... he's rejected them all and contacted me once to tell me about our nephew having an accident and needing stitches. In fact, we haven't seen our nephew since my brother moved out. He works four minutes from our house and lives twenty minutes from us... but does he stop by? Nope. And while I would love to just swing by his house to say hi once in awhile, his living arrangement is different and not open for popups. Is he trying to punish me by not letting me see my nephew because I put my foot down and made him move out? I don't know... but either way... it feels real lonely on that front too.

And I get it... the rest of my family has their own families to worry about. I understand and I'm happy that they're happy... but clearly... I don't fit into the narrative. My aunts and uncles and cousins have their own children and grandchildren and my brother still has his father and his own child. Dev and me don't want kids... so I guess... we're just done?

Maybe I feel wrong about it, but it is how I feel. I'm not resentful or angry or sad about it, it's more of a clarity of the situation. And the truth is, I did in fact move to Indy for momma. I never would've chosen to come here on my own. I might not have stayed where I was, but I'm definitely not the same as my momma on that front. She was a city girl through and through... me?

Not so much.

Dev? Dev still has family that not only needs him but wants him... and me too. They want to include us in their everyday lives and holidays and they have our backs regardless. While I can say I have one or two people that have my back like that (ok... one and it's Dani) he has a list. And it's beautiful to see. I know he misses his family. Hell, I miss his family. Every time we go down there it feels right and my chest decompresses in a way it simply doesn't in the city.

His family up here? One-sided, not unlike mine. Everything was all fun and games when we were putting in all the effort, fronting money, driving the miles, and essentially doing it all. The minute we stopped putting forth 100% of the effort? That friendship fizzled and died out faster than a firecracker. Sure, he still texts his cousin, but the relationship we had with him and his family? Evaporated. All because we said enough was enough.

Hilariously enough, kind of like the situation with my brother.

The friendships we've tried to build have been no damn different.

I would love nothing more than to sell our house, move to that little ten acres in northern FL, build a hub to work remote, and start living our dream lives right this second.

But again... stability. And the unknown. 

It's hard to "go with the flow" or "take a chance" when literally all responsibility has been on your shoulders for as long as you can remember. And I know I don't have to live that life anymore... but old habits die hard and all that. I've had to start over so many times out of pure survival that I don't know how to kickstart something new without breaking mentally. It's frustrating and quite frankly, I hate that part of myself. I would love to make a decision strictly just because it's what I want and let the chips fall where they may and know everything will work out in the end. Except... I'm not built like that. I want to be... but conditioning has a stronghold that's hard as f*ck to fight.

You know, I always had this joke once I got the job I have now that I'm here until I'm either "fired or retired." But, I don't think I ever really thought it through for what it was. They've recently increased the retirement age from 65 to 67. Let's be real, Social Security won't exist by the time it's my turn and the fact they want people to quite literally work their asses off until they're essentially in the nursing home is f*cking laughable. Early retirement is at least 55... probably soon to increase... and even then there are so many penalties and fees. There's literally no such thing as working to an end goal anymore. People just want to take and take and we're forced to keep giving if we want to keep up. It's f*cking exhausting.

I say that to say... that means I have AT LEAST another twenty to thirty(ish because a few more than that) years to go before I can even think about retiring. Which means, if we wait until retirement to build the life and dream we want, we may very well be too old or dead to enjoy it by then. Not to be morbid... but the world is crazy these days and our luck is horseshit.

I want to continue my job until it's time to lay it down... but I don't honestly believe I have another twenty to thirty or more years left where we are. Even if I did, why would we want to build somewhere we're miserable and wait to be surrounded by all we want until then?

You know, that whole fairy godmother with the sprinkles thing I've been trying to manifest for the last couple of months would come in real handy right about now. It would be nice to be able to make a decision in life strictly based on happiness and want not finances and turmoil.

It's out there. It's on our minds and in our conversations and I would be lying if I said I wasn't going crazy thinking everything through a million times. I keep waiting for something to give or change or I don't know what, but I know sooner or later I'm gonna have to choose. Not like "CHOOSE" but choose, because something's gotta give and we can't keep being miserable.

He made a comment the other day when we were talking... and while I know he didn't mean it in a bad way... I felt the honesty in it and it hit me in the chest. He was trying to tell me how he feels and said he wanted to spend time with his parents while he still could. And... I get that. My parents are gone. My one sibling could care less. I haven't seen my nephew in over a year. Lost my grandparents years ago. Dev still has three parents, two grandparents, three siblings (four if you count his friend that may as well be my third BIL), and a slew of nieces and nephews. All of whom would give anything for their boy to come back to his roots.

While I grew up in Tennessee... I have no desire to go back there. I want to be surrounded by familiar but new. Comfort but depth.

Our fifth wedding anniversary is next month. Five years of building and trying and doing and loving. I wouldn't trade it for anything, but I do often think about the next anniversary... and the next... because I want us to be as happy together as possible, but is it possible to be your happiest self when you're miserable with your surroundings? I don't know. I would like to believe I'm enough, but that's not really fair to my husband. Sure, I may be enough... but should I be? When he has the option of so much more? He could be surrounded by people and places that are good for his soul.

And I could learn to be whomever I've always wanted to be. No pressure or restrictions or expectations. Just me with my husband and babies on a little farm, tending to bees, growing plants. I could learn all the things I've always wanted to and try and fail and succeed and grow and be at peace.

What I want: build a homestead, bake bread, grow plants, tend to bees, play with my pups, have early mornings on the porch with my husband, spend time with family, go to events, cook holiday meals, run through the woods with Dev on my heels... peace. Stability. Happiness. Tranquility. To be able to exist and just be still. Just be me.

What I need: a miracle.

I don't know where the future will take us. I don't know where I'll be this time next year. I don't know if I'll be sitting right here in thirty years or if I'll get hit by a meteor by my next birthday.

What I do know is one day soon I'm gonna have some decisions to make and whether good, bad or ugly, the questions will come knockin' whether I'm ready for them or not. Why? Because mental health is no joke and mine is patchy at best. And honestly? Seeing my husband so depressed is too much. It's devastating and makes me want to cry on the regular. He says he's good, but he forgets that I know him and I see it. I don't know how he doesn't resent me (he assures me he doesn't), because I would resent me. I mean, he's literally only here because of me and I'm literally only here because of my career.

Dun dun dun.

I know we'll probably give it until the beginning of the year and reevaluate. So between now and then, if the universe could help me out and sprinkle some of that goodness down, that would be greatly appreciated.

You make my little heart happy.💜💜💜

(Side note: We got back from FL 6/29 and my FIL had surgery yesterday... but I have not had the mental strength to deal with that little catchup... so... another day perhaps. Today though? Things that make my heart smile).

My husband is very good at showing he appreciates me... both in our every day lives and when it comes to the level at which he is attracted to me.

He doesn't just tell me I'm beautiful... he shows me he thinks I'm beautiful from the inside out every single day. I'm lucky... and grateful.

He's a cheeky little shit... and as charming as you could get. Dude has been talking me into his crazy and out of my panties for years.

But every now and then... he pulls a new little compliment out the bag and it throws me and makes me blush. Most recently?

As I was walking out the door for work earlier this week... 6:30 in the morning... hair askew... weariness creeping in... he looked me up and down... cocked his eyebrow... smiled... and said... you look like you're ready to go fight a bitch today.

And honestly? I prefer that over beautiful. #ProjectBadass

🖤Apparently things do and don't come with age.🖤🖤

I'll be thirty-five in a few days and I have to say... all that shit adults were talking when I was a kid makes alot more sense now.

Yes, when it rains it does in fact pour. My back hurts for no reason as well. And I too miss the grocery prices of my youth, because paying $102 for hamburger meat and a gallon of milk is ridiculous.

I have a bad hip now for no reason whatsoever... just woke up one morning and BOOM... bad hip. Did I sleep on it wrong? How fucking old do you have to be for that to happen? Did I sleepwalk a 5k? Also, if that happened... when did I get the willpower to actually complete a 5k? Did my pups get together and initiate me into Fight Club? Did I Soulja Boy too hard? Like, what happened?

Eyesight? Failing. And failing hard too, not a little blur or anything. No, like full on can't see shit except when I see three of the same thing that isn't even there type level of failing. Driving to work at 6 in the morning with an astigmatism in both eyes ain't for the weak, dude.

Where did all the vitamins in my body go by the way? I've been Vitamin D/Iron deficient since my early twenties and guess what? That shit don't improve naturally with age. I take vitamins and eat proteins and drink milk... and nothing. My body takes a look at those nutrients and is like PASS. And what's the one thing your body needs to thrive? Vitamins. Ugh. (And yes, I know it takes more than that and water is important and blah blah, let me be dramatic).

I've actually thinned out with age... not that I'm complaining about that. 

What I am complaining about though is the fact I spent the first thirty years of my life looking real Henry VIII and now I'm more on the Audrey Hepburn (in body type NOT glamour, beauty or talent) side of things and apparently there's health problems for both? Like... I was heavy and people were like CAREFUL because diabetes and heart disease but now I'm thin and people are like CAREFUL because osteoporosis and heart disease. 

What. The. Fuck. 

Apparently, all of us have weak ass hearts... looking real Grinch over here.

As a woman, they start telling you about all the things that will start going downhill faster than others: weight management, skin elasticity, wrinkles and fine lines, vitamin absorption, hair/skin/nail health depletes.

Like... it's not good enough I can barely walk and bare weight on my left side first thing in the morning but go ahead and make my hair fall out too? The fuck?

There's things you do to try and counteract some of this nonsense... I put vital proteins/collagen peptides in my coffee everyday. I started taking Mary Ruth's multivitamin yesterday. I use retinol and fancy lotion on my face and I moisturize with coconut oil like you wouldn't believe.

Honestly, I don't know if any of it helps or if my MIL just managed to placebo me into thinking the shit I put in my coffee was gonna make me look killer, but either way, I'm rolling with it.

Why? Because with age might come alot of bullshit (and I do mean A LOT), but not all of it is bad.

I've never been more comfortable with my body than I am right now. Yes, even though we tend to close it for maintenance, it's still the best it's ever been... for me. No, I don't look like I used to and we all know I'm not getting any younger... BUT... I'm comfy. And I'm comfy because I'm just me.

I wear what I want, eat what I want, spend money on what I want, live like I want... and I get to do it all with the other half of me. Because we all know Dev just keeps getting better and better with age.

My husband ages like whiskey and I age like fucking bread.

Seriously though, I would say the best thing about age is perspective. I know the things I've done and lived through... and I know there's still more to come. I've come to terms with not every single person liking me and I've realized that the only person my decisions should affect are me. If living my life to my happiest and most comfortable is affecting someone else that much in a negative way... they should probably get some help for that. Why? Because it's not my problem.

You know what is my problem though? This fucking hip. Kidding... mostly.

❄️❄️Winter finally snowed up.❄️❄️❄️❄️

There for a minute, we thought we might be skipping winter this year. It was seriously trying to fake us out. The days were warm... the nights breezy... rain in the air. It was kind of like fall... and then... BAM. 

Welcome to the first snow of 2025.

Don't worry about me, I'm doing ok over here... Trudy Judy is a BEAST and I'm much more comfortable in this shit weather in a 4x4 than I ever was in anything else. This truck was meant for me.

And this weather... well... we're dealing with it.

I worked from home on Monday... not due to the weather... rather a migraine... but I also couldn't help but to look through our windows when the snow was coming down and think it just looked magical.

It always does... until your ass has to get out there at six in the morning to scrape windows and dig out your car. Neither of which were on my list... but shout out to the ones doing the thing!

Side note: Aunt Mary got me some kind of subzero windshield cover and that thing is awesome! Seriously, we unhooked it and pulled the snow and ice right off with it!

I worked here and there completing things but if I'm honest, I didn't really "get out" of bed all that much until like two in the afternoon. (The dark is my bestie). But once I did finally get up and moving, Dev and me went outside and started digging out.

And by digging out... I mean he scraped our sidewalk path... we both got all the snow off Trudy and then we took off for the open road... you know, to see how open the roads really were.

They weren't. I don't know what it is about Indy, but I reckon they figured f*ck it and wanted to see what would happen. What happened was people are insane and we all played Mad Max. Good times.

I have to say though, Mad Maxing in Trudy is a whole other level. Why? GOAT mode... that's why.

All that to say we're fricking freezing and I can't wait to get Trudy home to all my babies! We have all frigid temps this week, but it's supposed to snow again on Friday... so... we'll see. Stay safe out there, folks!

🎄🎄We probably won't do anything else for Christmas.🎄🎄

But at least we got these cards on lockdown! Honestly, I don't know what it is about our family Christmas cards that I love so much... but there's just something about collecting all our favorite photos from the year, putting them all together and signing off as the Glisson family that makes me happy. 

We probably won't be doing presents this year (because everybody's broke, right?) and we probably won't be having a massive dinner (two peeps + two pups = not a thirteen course meal), but we always like to make sure to send our love out in one form or another.

And my favorite way? Christmas cards. 

Look at me go... December 13th and they're ready... I'm ahead of myself this year round. Well, I mean, if you don't count the fact we still haven't put up our tree this year. Are we even going to? Only time will tell, but it's anybody's guess at this point. But still... cards!

Merry Christmas from me and mine to you and yours! Love, Devon, Katherine, Xur, Sparkles, and Steve! xoxoxoxo

It's been four years of saying, "my husband." Yeah, that's the good shit.

Who would have thought we'd not only be MARRIED... but also here we sit... on our fourth anniversary.

Lord only knows the amount of crow I've had to eat because of this man. I swore for the majority of my young life (like... almost the entire first thirty years) that I would NEVER get married because I didn't feel the need to tie myself to someone. And yeah, I know that sounds harsh and maybe a little cynical... but I said what I said.

It was my plan and it was a good plan. Worked out well for me... kind of. I did what I wanted when I wanted and I always had that card in my back pocket of... well... it's not like we're married? So no... I didn't have to justify anything to anyone.

(Years later, I would learn my disdain for marriage stemmed from fear... something I learned with the help of my husband.)

Except... there was a bump off in that plan. When I was fifteen, I met Dev and he quickly became one of the very most important people in my entire life. We went though it all... the good, the bad... the devastating. No matter what we faced or who tried to bring us down... he was mine... and I was his... and that was that.

We had dreams and made plans... but like with most things in life... we were derailed by others decisions.

More than a decade later... Dev came back into my life at a time when neither of us knew it would be the most heart wrenching. I still had the same mindset... no marriage... but we wanted to spend our lives together and set out to do just that.

There's always the bad... no one throughout their lives escape that... but the bad isn't as terrible with your soul standing right next to you to back you up.

Over time, it became abundantly clear to me that he was my solace. My peace... some would say my True North while I attribute the light he brings into my life to be more akin to Aurora Borealis. He is quintessentially my person and I would never want to imagine what life would be without him.

So on the day he asked me to marry him... the day he said he got down on his knee completely expecting me to say no and was so nervous he almost peed down his leg... I didn't hesitate... surprising both of us with my immediacy... when I said yes.

And since that day... I've been giddy. Excited... happy. Because instead of being afraid of what could be... I decided to embrace what actually is. And what is... is the most amazing life filled with happiness, laughter, joy, and an overabundance of love and affection.

Even Jelly looks happy that I’ve been a Glisson for four years. Happy Anniversary, MoGator. You make up the best pieces of my life and make me feel the sunshiniest. I love you so deep in my bones, I don’t know how my muscles hold up.

💕I just wanted everyone to see the puppies.💕

You're welcome.

Home is where paws meet you at the front door... and we got plenty of paws.

My hubby and I are constantly playing a game called our "forever home" in a never-ending cycle of... but what though? Frankly, if you think the never ending cycle of "what's for dinner?" is rough, you should play this one.

I've mentioned before how much I love our house. It's cute and tiny and the perfect size for us and our little furbabies... HOWEVER it's also smack dab in the middle of the city and we're not exactly city people. Don't care how long I've been here (almost twelve years now), I'm apparently just not that kind of adaptable. 

If I could pick up our house and move it in the middle of nowhere, I would never have to worry again. Alas, while they can in fact move whole houses, what bitch has that kind of money laying around? Not this bitch, I'll tell you that.

We bounce back and forth on where we want to live forever... reality says we're in Indy until at least retirement age and then it's anybody's guess. Maybe we'll stay in Indy (just not dead ass city)... maybe we'll head on down to Florida (I always say we will when we come back from vacay because feelings and shit)... maybe we'll go to Michigan for something new (we know absolutely no one there and that sounds nice on most days)... maybe I'll never want to see another living soul other than Dev and my babies and we'll hole up in the side of a Kentucky mountain (seriously... this one sounds good). Honestly, the possibilities are endless.

But realistically, we're in Indy for the next couple decades (bar a catastrophe and honestly, we're all f*cking tired of catastrophes so let's just not). While we're nowhere near starting our forever home (our current home is perfect and there are alot of things to do before we try and move or something like that), it's still fun to spitball and daydream.

We'd like to turn this dream into some follow through over the next few years though (maybe). Because of that, we keep going back and forth between a shed house or an Rv situation. The shed house idea is amazing. We had plans and dreams and an entire game plan. The problem is- do we want to be tied down to Indy forever? If we were to buy a piece of land and put all that work into it... then yes, we would. Not a bad idea, but definitely a decision.

The Rv situation is a new option that just came into play. I clearly knew there were people that lived full time in Rv's/campers/yurts... hell, for a few years of my childhood we lived in a tent so I clearly get it. It's an alternative lifestyle, but one people have been privy to for years. I just don't think I realized HOW popular this seems to have become. My generation doesn't give any fucks what people say and we're doing and living the lives we want. Like... there's an entire community for it?

And by community... have you seen TikTok? Truthfully, I'm addicted to that shit. I follow a little bit of everything but my newest obsession has to be the "Rv life" in my feed. And let me just say... Rv's have come a long way since my tent days. These bitches are NICE. They really got me believing I can live this life with all my stuff I actually want and just be happy with all my babies. Now, I know there are issues with this kind of living situation like all others but really, it doesn't seem any less convenient to me. PLUS I can park at an Rv camp but if I hate the location or people I can just hook up and MOVE? Simple as that? F*ck yes.

I mean... there are a million things we'd have to go over and figure out (like how are we going to learn how to drive and pull this f*cking thing and how does any of this even work in the first place?)... it could truly be a nightmare. In fact, we had one conversation about it and at the end I was like never-fuckin-mind-then. Because that's me as a person. *dramatic*

HOWEVER, I would also be lying if I said this didn't appeal to me on SO many levels. I like the idea of our house being on wheels and we can just go and do but still build an amazing and cozy home to share our lives in. Weirder than some, but not a dealbreaker... right? We don't need a whole lot of space (we're weird as f*ck and actually prefer to be cramped and on top of each other) but I would like enough space to have the things we truly want to have because I've worked really hard for a really long time and not trying to sound conceited, but damn... I think I've earned at least that.

Truth be told, I really don't know what our forever home is going to look like or be. Hell, we very well might stay right where we are and someday be those city people (doubtful but you never know). Either way, as long as we're happy and healthy and together the rest can be handled another day... right? Right.

It is fun to dream though, ain't it?

Five tires... in five months... this is f*cking stupid.

Y'all... you ever had something happen to you so many times that you're convinced no one is ever going to believe you? Like... it sounds so ridiculous there's no way it isn't made up?

Happened to me.

It's officially the end of May (five months into 2024)... and I just had to go to my tire guy and have my back tire replaced... again. That's literally the fifth tire that I've had replaced THIS YEAR and that's not even counting the multiple flats/plugs that go along with it. What? You didn't think it was just all buying tires, did you? Nope. On top of buying five tires, I've had to plug at least four I can think of (there may be more). Again... just this year.

When did I become the age where I have a legit f*cking "tire guy"? Like... he's my go to right down the road and gives me deals because I'm such a frequent customer. Honestly, I think the man just feels bad for me, because this shit is ridiculous and if he wasn't the one helping me out, he would never believe me.

I mean... it sounds like some shit a man says when he's trying to talk shit about his ole lady's driving. Except, I'm the ole lady and my husband is like WHAT KEEPS HAPPENING? Because sometimes he's driving when it happens.

For instance, I was driving to work this morning and ran over this dime-piece beauty (no, I didn't see it- yes, I'm f*cking blind) at 6:30. Had to put my donut on and hobble around for the day until Dev took me to get it replaced after work. HOWEVER, we literally just had the tire on the opposite side replaced a week ago YESTERDAY because we were driving home from Mavis's super late... turned on the street home... and somebody shot our tire.

No, I'm not exaggerating... you literally can't make this shit up. #WelcomeToIndy

We had to change that bitch at two am... one dude stopped and asked if we needed help and when I told him no he then proceeded to try and get a phone charger from me that I didn't have. Good times.

So yeah... I'm on my fifth new tire of the year. Ok... new to me... my dude has the best deals on used tires that are basically brand new and I've come to the place where I've had to buy SO many and I have to replace them SO frequently, I basically refuse to buy brand new tires anymore.

Things look different and never to be the same.

When people ask me about things that have changed over the years, there are times it completely throws me off. You would think people would be asking about my married life, my pups, my job, my mental health, my house, basically any of the things people regularly deal with on the daily.

But nope, my physical appearance is the one people have zeroed in on and byGod they're holding true.

"You're so thin!" Happens when you go from a size sixteen to zero.
"How many tattoos do you even have now?" All of them and then some.
"That's not appropriate to wear out." I don't care, I'm f*cking wearing it.

I don't know when or why people started getting super comfortable with commenting on someone's appearance. It's happened for as long as I can remember, and while I've always tried to be the best person I can, I'm not perfect and I'm sure I'm guilty of it myself when I was younger. It's easy to get sucked in and worry yourself with other's opinions on your body... hair... clothes... appearance in general.

But, here I am as an ever-evolving growing woman and I'm saying it- it's NOT ok.

I expect that shit from a teenager... I don't like it and hope they too grow out of it... but y'all bitches out there in the universe are grown. Just walking around trying to passively aggressively tell someone you don't like how THEY look to YOU. 

F*cking kill yourself, Troy.

I used to really care about other people's opinions. So much so that my cousin likes to tell me I'm a "people pleaser" and she's not entirely wrong. I lived, looked like, worked, and talked a certain way for a very long time because I was worried about the perception of me that people would have. I didn't want whatever someone thought about me to reflect poorly on my mother. Honestly, I didn't want to see the disappointment in her eyes and other peoples opinions concerning that to hurt her in any kind of way. I wanted to be a shield. I mean, if I was good enough, and looked good enough, and if I did everything that was expected of me, surely no one could be negative, right?

I held this mindset for over thirty years.

And you know what I learned? I learned that no matter how hard I tried, or what I did, or how right I tried to make it, it was never enough.

Not good enough. Not sparkly enough. Not determined enough. Not complicit enough. Just never enough of anything.

It was exhausting and confusing and honestly, unnecessary. I was so concerned about what other people thought of me, I never stopped to consider if I liked me. I was never comfortable and I thought that was normal. It was easy to chalk it up to, "this is just me and how I am." 

Except it wasn't me and it wasn't mandatory I be that way. Any certain way really. Like an amazing epiphany (and countless talks with my husband) came all at once and one day I was ok being me. Whatever that meant.

If I thought it, I said it. If I felt it, I made it known. If I was comfortable in it, I wore it.

And if I didn't want to do it or it made me uncomfortable or it was too overwhelming? NOPE. Not for me. Thank you, come again next time.

I'm so happy being whole-heartedly and unapologetically me. That's all I've ever wanted out of life. I've never wanted fancy, or extravagant, or overwhelming. Just... simplistic happiness.

"Look how overgrown your grass is!" I f*cking like nature and don't want to be surrounded by manicures.
"You live like white trash!" Blame it all on my roots... I'm not even sorry.
"Pajamas are NOT appropriate public wear!" Says f*cking who?

Once I became comfortable with the fact not everyone, maybe even no one, was gonna agree with how I looked, acted, talked, approached life... it became easier to just keep going with it. I realized life is short and unpredictable and it was far too much to not live it the way I saw fit. No one was living their lives by my standards so why on earth was I taking opinions on the way I live mine into consideration? It had been that way for so long, why hadn't I questioned it?  In fact, I didn't even realize I was doing it. It was almost like I was conditioned a certain way and one day the f*cking levee just collapsed.

I used to be so good at compartmentalization. If I didn't want to deal with something, or feel something, I simply blocked it out and shoved it deep down in the pit of my stomach where it belonged. Out of sight, out of mind, right? If you ignore it, it will all go away. I had no issue with it. Life would sock me on the chin and I'd take the hit, shake it off, and proceed on. 

After Momma, that shit went right out the window. My mental health was so fragile, it felt like it took everything to keep myself any which way together. Even to this day, I can't control my emotions. My mental health is an ever-revolving door of anxiety and debilitating emotional trauma. Call me weak or dramatic all you want, but I truly cannot get a handle on it. If I feel it, I feel it right then and I feel it until I get it taken care of. There is no easy fix or shortcut. I can no longer compartmentalize and all those things I pushed down and away throughout my entire life? I get to feel and deal with them all. They all bubbled to the surface and now I get to fight the battles of my ten year old self at two in the morning for no f*cking reason. Good times.

"You need to do something about your crazy hair." I stopped using heat and like my lion mane.
"It's not very ladylike to be covered in tattoos." Yeah, well it's also not hard to be hit in the mouth with a brick.
"Do you really think that's a good look for you?" dO You REallY ThiNk thaT'S A gOOd LoOk FOR yoU?

When you break it down in that way, you realize all the little things like people's opinions are just that... their opinions. What they say or do or how they think of me, no more affects my life than my opinion does on theirs.

And even if they're somehow allowing my everyday life to affect them, that's not my issue. I did not agree to live my life by anybody else's set of rules or guidelines. I didn't agree to live for them and not myself. I didn't agree to listen to their rules and ideations and conform to their standards. Terms and Conditions, my ass.

"You always said you would never." Yeah, I talk alot of shit.

I know I'm different than I used to be. I had to be. I feel like my entire life has been a never-ending cycle of fight or flight and it's exhausting. The fact that my own mind can overwhelm me to the point of debilitating nothingness is frightening. So yes, I am different. Because I had to learn how to take the person I was and merge that with the person I became so that I could be whole again.

And here I am.

I look different, feel different, and treat people different.

I'm thirty-four years old... I lost the woman I had been closest to and taken care of at twenty-eight... I got married... I lost my pup of twenty years... my family and my husband's family went through a trial of losing many family members and friends in a short span of time... the world lived through a pandemic... I had all my teeth removed from my head and a plate put in... my husband had two surgeries within a year and has ongoing health issues... my two pups have health issues... I was in a carwreck... my husband and I were attacked by a hobo... did no one think change was inevitable? 

Everything about my life and my health and my appearance has changed. Dramatically, I'll give you that... but still, it's all changed.

I'm not the same me... but I am still Katie. The truest form of her. I say inappropriate things and make sarcastic jokes... I have the awfulest dance moves and a bum hip... my hair is wild and I'm covered in colorful tattoos... I work hard and play harder... and when I love, I love with everything I got.

So yeah... everything looks different because it is. There's no secret or trick. There's no game or conspiracy. Things simply just look different... well... because they are.

I can't wait until I can go home with my hubbs and babies and black velvet.

I don't know what's going on with me today, but I woke up in the strangest mood. Ok... not the "strangest" mood... I actually just woke up feeling incredibly sad and off. I'm not sure why, this was a good weekend and yesterday was all kinds of downtime fun.

Dev thinks maybe I had nightmares that I don't remember but still feel now that I'm awake. He may be right and honestly, if it wasn't for him, I don't really know what I would do sometimes. I can be incredibly off and he's still by my side being my true North. That man of mine... he's something only dreams are made of.

Like all the other days I feel my feelings and don't know why, I'm just making it through the day and trying to think of anything that may pull me out of this funk. Sometimes are easier than others, but all we can do is put one foot in front of the other and remember all the amazing things we have in our lives... right?

Mental health is no f*cking joke.

Judy needed new brakes. I was driving home last Wednesday and honestly, it sounded like I was dragging a bicycle. Cue my panic and pullover and then having the hubbs confirm that yes, my brakes were in fact, GONE. I can't be too shit about it though, it's the first time we've replaced them since we've had it. I've personally never done a brake job on a car and Dev has only done a few, so we were a little lost on this. Luckily, my brother is a mechanic and was able to guide us through the process (and it only took all three of us beating that bitch of a caliper in to get it right). 

I called the Meineke because I was like, well, I know it will cost more than if we do it ourselves, but they're mechanics so I should let them do their job... and then dude told me "yeah darlin, stop on by and we'll get you right in... the minimum starts at $500." Now, I'm all for paying people for their services but F*CK YO COUCH THAT IS SO MUCH MONEY AND YOU ARE ROBBING PEOPLE BLIND! Shame on y'all.

Needless to say, it was a whole lot of fuck that and three hours later I have new back brakes.

Between my brakes needing changed and the flat tire I woke up to (and my "strange" mood), Dev has been driving me to and from work. And I have to say, having my hubbs wake up with me, be with me on the ride, and all that in between, a gal could get used to this spoiled little life. 

We took a WRTTMM on Saturday after the brake job and Dev and I have come to the conclusion with all the traveling we do (we live in deadass city so when we do go out... we drive far away) we should definitely pick up yoga. Because these asses be ouchy. I've been collecting info on it for a few weeks (we've had this talk a couple times) and I think we'd be a good fit for yoga/pilates/callanetics. I mostly just want the stretching and maybe to build a little muscle strength (your girl be fragile), and he wants it for stretching and mobility... neither of us needs or wants to lose weight so that's not a factor we have to worry about. Just some low impact stuff to maybe make us feel better.

Now all we have to do is actually find the will to follow through with it. Pheesh... good luck with that.

Aside from that, today is my MIL's 57th birthday and we'll be headed down that way again in a couple of weeks. We can't wait to see everybody again and get to spend some more time with them.

If anybody needs me the rest of the day, I'll be trying very hard to keep my shit together and divert this existential crisis, and waiting until I can curl up with the hubbs and our pups. Because that's my safe space and I feel like I need it real bad today.

I know I talk about things that have nothing to do with my personal life.

Ok... back to The Program: Cons, Cults, and Kidnapping. 

Y'all... what in the actual f*ck?! Have you seen this? If not, go and watch it and come back. I'll wait... did you watch it? Good.

Dude... when I was growing up, we didn't have cable. Well, we sometimes had cable for spurts... but then it was cancelled and a whole thing so for the majority of the time, no cable. Because of that, my Momma had the classics on tv during the day. Aka... daytime talk shows. She didn't do "the soaps" but daytime talk shows? She loved them all... from Sally Jessy... to Maury... Ricki Lake... Jerry Springer... Rosie O'Donnell... with her absolute favorite being Montel Williams.

I used to watch all these shows with her and while they could be fun and crazy... other times, the hosts had guests with very serious topics. 

I remember when it started feeling like you couldn't turn on a talk show without a set of parents on there talking about how "they couldn't handle their kid" and they "needed someone to step in and handle it." For the life of me, I could never understand why all these people had kids and then decided they were "too much" or "didn't have the time" for them. 

Then... why did you even have kids? Seriously, if you didn't have the time... and you don't have the capabilities to handle it... and you don't want to put forth the effort even when it's hard or feels impossible... and you feel perfectly comfortable letting someone else step in and raise that child... why did you even bother? And don't give me the whole "we were at our wits end"... "we didn't know what to do"... yadda yadda. That's quite literally part of being a parent and if you didn't have the mindset to deal with that, perhaps you should have reevaluated your priorities and life before deciding to reproduce. You have that option available to you.

But, that's one cynic of a shit parent (only one... I was fortunate enough to have an amazing mother).

Moving on. The solution both the hosts and parents seemed to come to for dealing with these kids were either one of two things. Either, the kid was sent to boot camp/juvie to be "scared straight" or they were sent to what they termed a "behavior modification facility." Basically, these were places that were supposed to be like "strict educational facilities" that taught values and discipline to all who attended.

You like how there was never a third option that allowed the child to stay with their actual family though? Oh no... gotta ship those little shits off. Afterall, the parents had enough!

While everyone was made to believe these places were essentially just a more strict and "life skill developing" educational program (think boarding school), there was apparently a dark side that people either didn't know about or chose to ignore all together when they stumbled across that information.

I always thought it sounded like a shit idea. Again, you're just shipping your kids off to stay with all these... strangers? Sure it's supposed to be a "school" and you should be able to trust people in that position... but how much do you really know about these places you're sending these kids and how much do you really know about the people taking care of them? These places and programs just started popping up out of nowhere and no one had any f*cking questions? They were just like, oh solution! And that was that? The f*ck?

You don't have to have any skills or degrees... no training or even a little read through... you literally could have just rolled out of bed from a four day bender still twitching through the day... and you're just in charge of the wellbeing of ALL these kids? And you just keep them until you've deemed they're no longer harmful to society or they age out of the program? 

The Program talks about this system. It literally traces it back to it's origins... and I'm sure you'll be so shocked to find that it's origins are... well... CULT. 

This documentary is amazing. I can't even describe to you what it feels like to watch it but to say it definitely makes you feel those feelings would be an understatement. It takes you through the horrors that happened to these kids through their eyes... as adults looking back. 

The particular events they go over in this documentary were around 2004/2005... meaning all the survivors are around my age. And while every single one of those people are grown and amazing people... all I wanted to do was hug them. Because realistically, I watched a group of adults recount the trauma they've endured and the struggles they still have... and yet, all I saw staring at me and telling me a story were kids. Scared, lonely, abandoned, tortured kids.

It was devastating and heartbreaking. Watching the videos and hearing the stories and just knowing even a percentage of what was going on, I can't even imagine. I will never understand how someone just looks at a kid and abuses them simply because they can. In fact, I'll never be able to understand an abusers state of mind in general, because I'll never understand just because you can... why the f*ck would you?

The atrocities committed against these people were horrendous. Physical, mental, emotional, sexual. Any kind of abuse you could think of, it was there. You haven't heard of a few different ones? Yeah, well, they were probably there too. It literally started from the "program" sending people to KIDNAP your child and drag them to this facility. Upon arrival, they were locked inside (not allowed to step foot outside again without permission), stripped completely naked "for contraband searches" and then the bullshit continued to escalate. 

You can tell these people are haunted by their time at that place.

They go through it all. From the events leading up to them being taken until they were finally able to go home. The things they saw and felt, the things they still feel and have to live with. From being abused to being brainwashed to being made to feel they weren't supposed to acknowledge any of these things. Some rebelled (can I get a whoop-whoop for Q!) while others tried to work the program. The bottom line is... there was no escape. 

No making eye contact, no smiling, no looking out the windows, no forming any kind of bond.

"Palms up, palms down, palms together, palms apart."

The survivors talk about all these things and where they are now. Many have long-term issues with their mental health while others have been left with a broken family. And I have to say, I get why they want to forgive their parents... they didn't know! The program (and others like it) are literally designed to brainwash the parents too. But, that also means they are better people than me... because there is no way I could forgive that. Whether you knew or not, you are still the person who not just signed your kid up for this abuse, but actually had them taken away for it to be enforced. You quite literally paid someone thousands upon thousands of dollars to abuse your child because you didn't want to deal with them. 

You can say they were troubled or you didn't know what to do.

Spin it whichever way you like, but Imma call a spade a spade and say shame on all of you.

And HOW has there been no justice for these people? These kids? Sure, they're grown now but you took a piece of them they can never get back. Months or years of their lives... not to mention the struggles they still have because hello TRAUMA. And what... nothing? 

I love the director of this documentary. She's spiteful and frank and doesn't give a shit who she makes uncomfortable. She's snarky and sarcastic and honestly, I think it must just be something within us Katherine's. She makes me feel like all things are possible with enough resilience and perseverance. 

None of these people cared what happened to her and her friends, so why should she give a damn about their feelings? Their reputations? Their family lives? I'm not saying anyone should do anything rash or illegal (because absolutely not, we're better than these people!), but legal recourse FOR SURE PLEASE. 

It's no wonder the majority of people that had anything to do with that place didn't even want it brought back up to begin with. Mostly, because they're all complicit in child abuse but also because they're shit people who think they didn't do anything wrong. Oh, "I was only there doing my job." The f*ck you were. You knew all of that was going on and you not only didn't tell anyone... you contributed to it. 

The few former employees that did talk in the documentary? F*ck them too. They're no better than any of the other ones... just because they're willing to talk about it doesn't mean they didn't abuse those kids. Even the most open former employee straight up admits to hardcore strip-searching the girls... and looks way too creepily excited about the recollection. Another, says she wasn't required to have any training or background investigation. The survivors all not only had horror stories about her but she admits she was a straight up "bitch" and did terrible things to them. Even going so far as to say, "I would want to know this information about people if it involved my kids." F*cking audacity by the handfuls. You're perfectly comfortable abusing other people's kids so you go ahead and have a few of your own? Fffffuuuuuu........... not saying that's not your right as a person. But also, f*cking audacity.

And there's literally nothing any of them can do to refute it because they left ALL the evidence right there in plain sight. They cared so little about these kids... and thought so few people would believe them... they didn't even bother to try and cover it up. Because they didn't give a shit as long as there was change going into their pockets.

F*cking savages.

I read earlier today there was an investigation opened in NY over this. I don't know how far it will go or to what extent they can even get justice for these people, but I would truly hope there is some form of civil justice out there for them. For all of them... the ones who survived and the ones who lost the battle. 

Like dude said, the abuse of a child is the business of anyone who knows about it. There were truly too many people who knew and did nothing. Don't let history repeat itself. Find them justice, don't let the big dogs win, and do what's right.

Also, let the Katherine's of the world do our thing. One way... or another.

I don't have the time nor the patience for that.

I've been trying out a few new things and some random stuff has happened lately and I find myself at the point of just being very "nah" about it. You know like... nah... I'm good?! That's me these days.

Napping has become a favorite of mine, social activities are a chore, and beauty trends have a way of becoming disastrous. I feel like I'm on a merry-go-round of exhaustion and honestly, Tiktok has me thinking the vanlife can't really be all that bad.

I can't be the only person feeling like this. I read an article yesterday talking about the things and ways people have changed since the pandemic and I have to agree. I don't think anyone's really recovered from it and we're all still all over the place. Time means nothing, money is fleeting, and we're all really just trying our f*cking best.

Things I have tried and found I do not have patience for to save my entire life: 

Applying and dealing with false eyelashes. Turns out, I don't give that much of a shit about my eyelashes and I feel they're more trouble than they're worth. Bought a pack, tried to figure it out on three separate occasions, failed miserably on all three said occasions, and threw the rest of the box away because I'm done trying that now.

Audacity of the people around me. We recently had to let a dude go at work and I think we can all agree that shit sucks but its also part of being an adult and we have to move forward with our lives. The news was given, he packed up and that was that... until the next day he came in to return some "things he had taken by mistake" and proceeded to slow-motion remove the pair of gloves he was wearing and lay down said gloves, an ink pen, and a tape measure. Like, slow-motion I thought he was about to challenge me to a duel at sunset type situation. And the only thing I could think through his arrogant condescension was... CHALLENGE ACCEPTED, I'm about to f*ck you up. Because honestly, how often are we getting challenged to a good ole fashioned duel these days? 

Dyeing/bleaching/basically anything besides brushing my hair. I go back and forth alot on what I want to do to my hair. It's the longest it's ever been and the most natural it's been since I was probably twelve or thirteen years old. I keep saying I want to bleach it and put in a crazy color (purple, blue, green) but honestly, I just don't have the follow through for it. While I think it would be a cool look, I don't actually want to sit there and try to do some shit myself. I also don't want to have someone else touching me. The same could be said about styling it. I like curling it but don't want to burn my hair off and all the "heatless" methods I've used have been a catastrophe. It looks like it's just gonna be me, my silver tweaked hair, and straightener for the next decade or so.

Things I apparently do still have all the patience for:

My husband. Our pups. Our lives together. Body oils instead of lotions. Tattoos as far as the eye can see. Eyebrow mascara and tinted serums. Old vinyl records. Roadtrips with my love. Snuggles with my babies. Resident Alien. La Brea. Banana bread. Dev's OCD and rearranging bug. Warm pajamas. Lazy weekends. Pizza and boiled peanuts.

It's just one of those days when you don't wanna wake up.

Everything is fucked, everybody sucks. You don't really know why, but you wanna justify rippin' someone's head off. No human contact, and if you interact your life is on contract. Your best bet is to stay away, motherfucker! It's just one of those days.

Sorry, I've managed to have Limp Bizkit stuck in my head all morning. Like, on loop. Say what you will, but I'm a 90s baby and that demands I have a piece of my mind reserved for Fred Durst lyrics. It's an unwritten rule that I have no control over.

I don't have much to contribute to the world today... but still wanted to ramble about the catastrophe that was my morning. Ok, well... that's a little bit dramatic. It hasn't been a catastrophe but have you ever had one of those mornings where everything is just slightly off... but you also don't really care enough to stress about it and decided to go with the flow?

Happened to me.

We rearranged our room and the setup right now has to be my favorite out of all the changes we've made over the years. I even have half of the table Dev built for my "beauty" section. Ie: I have a mirror that lights up and all my lotions and potions and creams and such are right there for my convenience. I still have some arranging to do to get it set up the way I want but so far it's awesome.

With that being said, I feel like I should also mention I got some new "beauty" stuff to play with. What can I say? I like to play dress up and the little girl inside of me refuses to be put down. Dev and I decided to invest a little moolah (very little because broke bitches) into our hobbies... he chose his tattooing (and is damn good at it with me reaping all the benefits) and I decided dress up! Because he's an enabler and indulges in my whimsy.

I haven't bought makeup in so long though, I learned that it's all quite a bit different than it used to be. Even in the last six to eight years (which is about how long it's been since I actually invested in anything new), it's all so different. I tried to start with Tiktok to learn how to use some of these new products (yes I use Tiktok for everything... including as my therapist and primary doctor but not the point!) and quickly learned that those bitches know what they're doing far better than I do.

At this point, I'm starting to believe that whole "can't teach an old dog new tricks" thing. Momma was fantastic at this kind of thing (she was also a cosmetologist/beautician/hairstylist... I don't know if there's a word that encompasses all that... actually yeah, I think beautician covers it) and she taught me how to put on makeup when I was real young. Like, I was twelve years old and could cake the face of a thirty-five year old woman and make that hussie look GOOD! Her reasoning was if I was going to wear it, then I should at least know how to apply it right. Unfortunately for me, she was amazing at many things that I never picked up on and she had talents that certainly didn't trickle down to me. And now? Everything's so different that the old rules don't apply. Or... maybe they do and I just have to find my happy medium? Yeah... probably that.

I also don't know why I chose 5:45am to try out a new look when I had to be out of the house by 6:30. And honestly, as I was putting on my makeup it was really good... until it wasn't. The situation finally escalated to something along the lines of:

Bitches make putting on eyelashes look easy... this shit is so NOT easy. *gives up on eyelashes from the night before*
When did my face start doing this thing? *spends the next ten minutes trying to pull my face back to where it used to be*
Wow... I apparently don't know shit about contour or bronzer.
*puts some more bronzer on in the spots the videos said* Yeah... I don't think I'm doing this right. Does this make me look like I have dirt on my face?
*gives up on the bronzer and moves onto blush* This shit is way more pigmented than I remember blush being... WTF is happening?
*has flashbacks to my childhood and Tammy Faye Bakker* This has gone terribly awry.
*tries to blend and smooth everything together to look at least halfway decent* Eh, I reckon I'll set this shit, wash my face tonight, and hope for the best tomorrow morning. *brushes hair and doesn't do anything else because out of time*

And then to top it all off, I made my coffee this morning exactly how I like it and proceeded to leave it on the counter and walk right out of the house. Didn't realize it until I got to work and then rolled my eyes so hard at myself I think I lost a contact lens back there.

So you see, nothing has gone terrible. Life is still good and happy and fun.

I mostly just wanted to tell this story so I can conclude with the fact I do look like a 1980s evangelist and I'm not even sorry about it. Hopefully, this humpday gets on with it and Friday will be here before we know it. Because Dev and I have big plans.

Ok, not big plans. We have one WRTTMM to accomplish and then we'll be tattooing and hanging out and playing all weekend with each other. Because as I said, Dev indulges all my childish fantasies and psychedelic mindset.

It's a good life.

Love the life you have not the one you were expected to have.

I decided to do a little bit of reflecting for my thirty-fourth birthday.

Dani has a few quotes hanging in her office and one of my very favorites is, "love the life you have, not the life you expected to have." And the first time I read it, it stopped me in my tracks. Because I would say I live my life as an extension of this quote. 

Not living the way that I expected but more so, what was expected of me. 

I love my life. Dev and I have managed to fill our house with love and laughter and fun and joy and companionship. Our pups are an extension of our love, as they're our children and together we're all an amazing and beautiful family. 

My beautiful, amazing, special family. 

However, many people would look at our lives and roll their eyes. They would use words like lazy, codependent, barren (yes, that has been used to describe me because we made the decision to not have children), immature, shit like that.

And what do we say to those people who feel they have the right to have an opinion on it or tell us how we should live our lives? F*ck you and yo couch.

I'm so happy in my life. Happier than I ever thought I would be. Sometimes I feel guilt for being so happy. I realized I felt like that because if Momma hadn't passed away, life would look alot different now than it does. But, I think through that guilt and know she would want nothing but happiness and love for me. Just because I'm happy now doesn't mean I don't miss her or wish she was here. It just means I'm living a fulfilling life and she would be proud of that.

So to the people who don't think it's a good or realistic life? KILL YOURSELF, TROY.

I feel like we are all the other needs. And I'm sure some people would think that's incredibly unhealthy. People say shit like, "you can't only have your spouse as your friend" and others say "you can't only hang out with your spouse" and "you need girlfriends." Society thinks we should spend time apart and live by a set of standards that were developed in 1953. I say to hell with all that.

Y'all know it's 2024, right? The world is full and open to possibilities and we don't have to live the lives of the umpteenth generations before us. Sure, we can take pieces and skills and morals and apply them to our lives moving forward, but there really is no guideline to how you should be living your life. There are no set times you should meet your accomplishments and there's no one other than yourself that should tell you what is and what is not an accomplishment in YOUR life.

You want to have children? Cool. You don't want to procreate? Cool. You want to go back to school in your forties? You go, girl. You never want to step foot into another educational hall as long as you live? Don't blame you, dude. You wanna live life on the road out of a van? Me too. You want to have a $200,000 house? I wouldn't want to clean that bitch, but I'm happy for you!

See how that works? I don't give a shit how you want to live your life as long as you're not hurting anyone and being an absolute piece of shit while you're doing it. You're not hurting anyone, you're just weird and eclectic and quirky? You do you and the rest will come out in the wash or ringer.

I don't have an age where I think you should be a homeowner, or have children, or be finished with your education, or stop eating cereal for dinner. I don't even think you should do any of those things if you don't want to. You want to live in a fantasy land and fill your home with Disney and sour patch kids? You're grown and work hard for your money DO WHAT YOU WANT.

If you are quite literally winging life with $2.03 in your checking account and $30 in your savings account and trying to pay bills paycheck by paycheck, guess what? I'm still f*cking proud of you, because you're trying and doing the best you can do.

I think we could all do with extending a little more grace to those around us. Life is hard and unpredictable and there really is no reason to make another's life worse just because you don't agree with something about said person. Not being a dick, but can't you just turn right back the f*ck around and mind your own f*cking business? 

Oh, you have a problem with my excessive use of the word f*ck? Blow me.

So no, my life is not what others deem to be conventional. I am me and we live our lives the best way we know how. With nothing but love and admiration and devotion for the other. 

Live your life for you. We only get one and quite honestly it's beautiful in all the ways. Be free and happy... fill your homes with warmth and companionship and love whomever is going to love you back the fiercest. I know I do.

And just so you know, you don't have to wait until your thirty-fourth birthday to do it. Start right now.

Yeah, why are bodies a trend and 40 hour work weeks the norm?

I got sucked into a Buzzfeed article the other day that was all about the standards that society has set for us. And follows that up with... but why though? And in all honestly, I have to agree with the majority of these. In fact, I bitch about most some on the regular. Not just through this crazy little space I call my ramble-verse, but also to my husband, my pups, my boss/cousin/friend, basically anyone who will listen to my sarcastic ass.

Who made up all the rules and decided which was the correct way of living? Society as a whole? 

You mean the same society that quite literally fist fought over f*cking toilet paper? Yeah, we all remember the pandemic like it was yesterday. People were deciding if they were gonna use coffee filters or just hop in the shower and spray their asses off after each incident. All because SOCIETY decided to hoard copious amounts of toilet paper. It's not even like diarrhea was a symptom of Covid, so I still don't know what the f*ck that was all about.

BUT I WE REMEMBER.

With that being said, I thought I would follow up on a couple of them (from said article)... not all because your girl has limited attention span to mess around with these days.

"The expectation that you should automatically know things that weren't taught to you growing up. Taxes, laws, basic medical care, and even from what cleaning chemicals you can mix to how long food lasts in the fridge."

I couldn't agree with... most of... this more. I feel like some things we should be taught and others we can figure out as we go. Do I need somebody to tell me when it's no longer acceptable to eat the leftover spaghetti in my fridge? I mean, they could but I could also probably trial and error that shit throughout my life. Cleaning products not to mix? Bro, I can read and I don't feel the need to put a warning label on everything. Sometimes I feel like maybe use some common f*cking sense. BUT TAXES? Dude, all you have to do as an adult is deal with taxes and they just let your ass out into the world with no idea what the f*ck is happening and throw you in jail if you avoid it or do it wrong. I'm almost thirty-four and I still wish somebody would explain taxes and medical care to me. And I've been dealing with this shit a long time. If I'm being honest, I've been winging it this whole ass time.

"Healthcare being tied to employment. I don't want to be trapped in a job I hate just so I can get my prescriptions. I have enough savings and low cost of living, so I could totally do a part-time job but no... 40 hours for insurance."

I don't think healthcare should have anything to do with employment. I will never understand how the capabilities and potential are there and they are not available to every single human unless they somehow contribute to what society deems worthy. F*cking excuse me? Lord forbid you take a look at Denmark and see what they're doing. No. Because that would mean "giving something to someone who hasn't worked for it" and that just isn't something we do as a society, right? Wouldn't want someone to get something for nothing. Because unless you work your fingers to the bone you're not worthy of it. Right? F*ck off.

"The expectation of being constantly employed. If you're not producing something then you're worthless."

I was very much raised with the mindset that if you didn't work every single day, including on weekends, then you were considered lazy. The kind of work didn't matter, you just had to be working. Then again, if you had what people deemed an "easy job" then you were lazy too. Didn't matter how much you worked or how much of yourself you gave, it was just never enough and people would call you lazy for it. It took me a long time to realize that was an extremely toxic way to live. I've made many changes to myself over the last few years and one of those changes was I opened my mind to rethink things that had been ingrained into me since birth. With that came the "work ethic" point. I no longer fault someone who doesn't want to work round the clock, forty hours a week. I want people to be happy and to be fulfilled. Yes, we have to work to survive and not everyone was born to be a rockstar or doctor. Sometimes, we just want to live our normal lives and spend as much time with the people we care about as we can. That's extremely hard to do when you're chained to a desk or working yourself so long and so hard that you immediately collapse given the first opportunity.

"The quest for youthfulness. Growing older is a privilege, and I don't understand that hate on wrinkles, grey hair, etc. There used to be a saying, "grow old gracefully" which implies accepting the changes and making the most out of it."

Look, if you want to dye your hair or wear makeup or something, go for it. If you want to take care of yourself and have a skin care routine, go for it. There is absolutely nothing wrong with taking care of yourself or making yourself feel or look good. As long as it's for you. But how about, we leave everybody the f*ck alone about it? I don't care if you're twenty and look thirty. I don't care if you have grey hair. I don't care if you're thin or heavy or purple or have wrinkles or wear pajama pants in public. I DON'T CARE. Are you happy? Because that's what should matter. I do not care what someone looks like. Why are we judging people solely based on that? What the f*ck is wrong with you? Are they a good person? Do they treat others with respect and kindness? Are they minding their own f*cking business? Yes? Take a note and do the same.

"The false idea that men cannot be abused, or men cannot feel emotion. Men are supposed to slap on some bootstraps or, however, its called and "take it like a man." It's disgusting."

This is the dumbest shit I've ever heard and I've heard it my entire life. Men are supposed to have absolutely no feelings and women are insane for acknowledging theirs. It's a vicious no win cycle. I love that my husband shows me his emotions. There are no secrets or kept things between us. I'm 100% me and he's 100% him and that's one of my very favorite things about our relationship. I don't want to have a warm piece of stone walking around the house nodding along. I married a whole ass human with feelings and emotions and secrets and strengths and weaknesses. All of which he's entitled to have and be because again, he's f*cking human. He, and any other person. You should be allowed to feel your own feelings and not have to hide the fact that you have basic human capabilities.

"Beauty standards (for all genders). Human bodies should not be treated or seen as a trend, in my opinion."

See my quest for youthfulness. Again, I don't care how you want to look or what you want to wear. The chances of me paying attention to you instead of in my own little world or having a self-induced anxiety attack are pretty f*cking rare. You wear or dye or feel whichever way you want and if somebody has a problem with that, f*ck em. They're probably miserable little shits that get off on judging other people on the regular. You know what you should do with the people in your life that do that to you and make you feel that way? Cancel them from your life. You no longer have to pick up that phone or read that text. You don't have to stand there and listen to them. In all areas, you can simply walk away. From the situation, the person, the bullshit.

"The 40-hour work week."

This all goes back to my mindset growing up. The amount of shit I have received over my lifetime on this could fill a bucket. I've held a full-time job since I was fourteen years old. Before that, we worked every summer in tobacco and I had responsibilities on not just our land, but on the land of our neighbor because our family did work for him and his. What I'm saying is, work is not something new to me. I've never minded working and don't really know what I would do with myself without a job (although I bet with enough f*ck you money at my disposal I could figure it out). HOWEVER, I do not hold it against someone for not having that mindset. I don't care if you don't feel the need to hold a "40 hour" job or if you do odd and end jobs to make ends meet. I simply don't care. I want you to do what you need to do to get you to the next day and I want to do what I have to do to get to the next day and maybe we can meet somewhere in the middle and have a cup of tea or something. Because f*ck, life is hard and there's no reason to make it harder by being a dick to somebody because they don't meet your standards. Why do you even have those standards? My guess would be because society has influenced you to.

And when that happens, I want you to remember the toilet paper-laden fist fights of 2020.

"The stigmatization of mental health: Nothing says 'progressive society' like still treating mental health issues as taboo or a sign of weakness. It's almost impressive how persistent this standard is, considering the leaps and bounds made in understanding the human brain."

I'm gonna be real honest with this one... I struggle with my mental health daily. And I am certainly not the only one. It's easy to get lost in your head and let your mind take over. It literally is an every single day process to deal with. With that being said, I should also throw it out there I have a dark sense of humor. Do I crack jokes about something another person is going through? Absolutely not. But, do I crack jokes and make sarcastic quips at my own expense? F*ck yes, I do. Because that's what gets me through and I won't apologize for it. We all deal with our lives any which way we can. And I will never understand why someone would feel the need to shit on somebody that is just trying to live their life the best way they know how or can.

We need to do better as people in general. Humans as a whole. And society? Well, society as a whole can suck a bag of dicks because we've decided we're not listening to those f*cking losers anymore.

This old gal is aging out of the tomfuckery.

I recently read an article about women in their thirties. Ok, that's a bit of a broad statement... I read an article about how women in their thirties "age out of the male gaze." Seriously, you ever get sucked into a Yahoo "news" article? Happens to me on the regular and I'm not even sorry about it because why the hell not?

This article went on to explain that by age thirty-three women start becoming less attractive to men physically and men felt the need to approach those women less in everyday life. It said that whether men do this purposefully or subconsciously, it happens. Mostly, it applies to strangers, as you tend not to notice the aging of a person in your day to day life.

Meaning, my husband will still find me attractive but no one else will feel the need to talk to me.

And can I just say, I have NEVER been more excited to be turning thirty-four in a few weeks in my entire f*cking life? SERIOUSLY?! People are going to feel the need to talk to me less? YES.

I mean, it's not like dudes are walking up to me on the regular to hit on me (it takes alot of effort to look this mediocre on the daily), that's not what I mean. I don't think I'm so damn pretty people are in awe and I think men are lining up to harass me. THAT'S NOT WHAT I'M SAYING.

However, I did think of about fifty jokes to go along with it and if I'm being completely honest, shit is funny. I mean, where do people get off on this kind of study? Who is lining the f*cking halls wanting to know the judgment of society? Did someone just walk into work one day and get assigned a project and the first thought they had was, "huh, let's see if I can break self esteem and give people some information that cannot possibly be accurate?"

Because I don't for one second believe this is accurate... otherwise there wouldn't be men that prefer older women? Has no one heard of a cougar? I think this is another one of those made up things to get women to raise their levels of paranoia and spend copious amounts of money to try and age like f*cking Benjamin Button.

We age. It happens. Move along now.

Keep the people who love you for you close and all the naysayers can go naysay on the f*cking hill across the pasture. And if anybody needs me, I'll be living my sweet-sweet almost thirty-four, aging out of the small talk, snuggling with hubbs and pups life. And let me just say, it is a good f*cking life.

Helloooo.... from the FROZEN SSIIIDDDEEEE!!

I know that reference is somewhere between nine-eleven years dated... HOWEVER, if there was ever a time for it to make a come back, IT'S NOW.

Y'all, it is so motherf*cking frigid outside. FRIGID. Capital F through D. It was a total of -2° outside when I left for work this morning and let's be honest, it has not improved much in the hours since. Frankly, it's gonna start dropping here again in just a couple hours. Just thinking about it makes me want to wrap a heated blanket around me. In fact, I have a low tire and decided at 6:30 this morning that it was afternoon Katie and Dev's problem because f*ck.

I DIGRESS. 

I have been blissfully holed up in my house with my hubby and pups on every available opportunity of this new year. Do I regret the things missed? NO. Because nothing was missed... things have been accomplished and no shit has been taken. It's been a good time.

What's new these last few weeks? 

Per every paranoia the hubby and I possess, we did in fact stay inside the first day of the new year. In fact, we stayed inside that entire three-day weekend as much as possible because last year started off with a shit show and carried on throughout the entire damn thing... we weren't trying to have a repeat.

We had another visit with Baby J and he is the cutest and snuggliest little baby this side of the Midwest. Sometimes a person just needs some baby snuggles... and then to hand said baby back to their parents because they gots to get home and eat snacks.

Sparkles ear is looking better. It's still not 100% but it's looking better by the day, if only a little, and it seems to bother him a little less. Poor baby just wants to nap and eat treats and honestly... same. He and Xur mostly hang out with us and I seriously don't know what we'd do without those little assholes.

After three years of marriage, Dev and I are finally on the same phone plan. Here's what happened... when he moved up here (five years ago) he switched to Sprint (later bought by T-Mobile). I was already on my Aunt P's friends/family phone plan (with Momma) with Sprint (again, bought by T-Mobile). We've been meaning to get my number switched from my aunt's plan to Dev's for a long time but haven't got around to it (for various reasons). We finally decided we were doing it regardless because damn we've been married for a minute and it felt weird.

Last week after work one day, we loaded up in Doug Judy, picked my aunt up and headed to T-Mobile. We only wanted to have my number switched from one T-Mobile plan to another. The clerk informed us that they can no longer do that in store, you have to call "customer care." While we were there, Dev asked if he could have a couple things removed from his plan... again... call customer care because they can't do that in store.

*side note* I'm really not trying to be "that" person I am just genuinely curious. If they can't change or update or service anything having to do with your plan in store... what is the purpose of having a store? I mean, you can order a phone online and have it delivered so it can't just be that, right? *anyways*

We left and took Aunt Poot home... attempting to call "customer care" on the way and got nothing. Cut to three hours, two trips, and a bunch of dollars later and now Dev and I are on the same phone plan... with Verizon. We got to keep our numbers and honestly, that's what I was so butt hurt over because it would be such a pain in the ass to switch everything over. 

JUST NO.

Dev and I got the bright idea to try new spaghetti sauces out at the store to "find a new favorite" and ended up getting one called "spicy arrabbiata" that almost f*cking killed us. That shit was so damn hot. All I tasted was tomato and heat. No spice of any kind just HEAT. We couldn't even choke down a full plate apiece so leftovers were totally out of the question. I couldn't imagine eating that shit after it set and got hotter.

We attempted to help Bonehead move a bit. We went over to his house for about three hours or so to help out but he had a whole lot going on so we did what we could and headed out. He did send us off with a shelf that's been handed down for years and now houses our dishes so fun!

Work has been crazy and going a mile a minute but that's all the time so nothing new there.

Other than that, we've mostly been staying home and snuggling in. I have gotten quite a few new tattoos as of late. I had a right rib piece put on a week ago yesterday and said screw it and had my left rib piece put on last night. Because I'm apparently a glutton for punishment or a masochist or something.

My big plans for tonight are for me and Dev to run to the grocery store (getting stuff for spaghetti-redo night) and then I'm taking a super hot shower and snuggling in. Because this gal is sleepy and frozen and not having it. Except hubby and pup lovin. 

I'll have that. Happy (hopefully, let's keep our fingers crossed and put hopefulness out for the best) 2024!