Thirty-five be looking rough... and I'm not even there for another two weeks.

A real nice man came up to me and my husband at the CVS to invite us to his community benefit… trying to entice us with the promise of food and coats and warmth… because he assumed we were homeless. And honestly? Might go get us some ribs and taters come Sunday, I dunno.

I learned a valuable lesson.... and felt the obligation to share.

Back in October when D and I got married, I made the decision that it would be cool to get a bikini wax for the big day. Don't ask me why I made this executive decision, because I'm not really sure as my dress was long and absolutely no one was going to be seeing what was going on under there, but I'm going to associate it with watching too many TikTok videos. That, and my paranoia of my husband taking my garter off in front of EVERYONE. Which by the way, I was extremely self-conscious and mortified about.

I digress.... you know, so we can continue on with this.

The decision was made and while I had never gotten a bikini wax before, I figured it was more awkward than painful and since I have a fairly high pain tolerance, I assumed all would be well in the world. The day came and I prepared for it almost the exact same way that you would prepare to go visit your lady doctor (ie: gynecologist). 

I would be lying if I said it wasn't a little bit painful the first time, but nothing extreme. I wouldn't associate it with torture or anything. And like I assumed, it was far more awkward than painful. However, my esthetician was very professional and friendly and actually made me feel (somewhat) comfortable. She just went on with her everyday job and informed me that it was kind of like when I worked in the nursing home, as in, once you see so many people naked, it really doesn't phase you anymore. 

I liked the results so much that I've continued to keep up with it. And honestly, the visits eventually get to be more spaced apart and so much easier to the point that you barely feel anything when you get waxed. But, then a couple of weeks ago, I decided that I would just shave instead of making an appointment, because my lazy won out over logic. And oh boy, was that an.... experience. You ever heard of the term fire crotch? Well....

Needless to say, I had to wait about a week or two and then I called and made an appointment with my new esthetician. And let me tell you a couple of secrets that they don't usually tell you. 

One: when you are used to getting waxed and then you decide to shave between waxing appointments, it is essentially making you start over from the very beginning all over again. Seriously, do you remember the first time you got hair down there? It was uncomfortable, itchy, thick and awful? Yeah, that's what you revert back to and it is NOT pretty.

Two: speaking of "starting over" when you are used to waxing and then shave in between and then go back for your first wax since you shaved, things are much more.... painful. You see, apparently by then, your "area" is much more sensitive so every little pull or tug feels like someone is essentially yanking barbwire out of your skin. (And yes, I know what that feels like). Seriously, it hurts way more than it originally did the first time you had it done. Then, it's still a little sore the next day.

Obviously, this was an unwelcomed surprise to me, but it also made me realize that there is no going back. I will either be continuously getting waxed or let's be honest, it's gonna look like a real shit show down there.

And yeah, I know I shouldn't be talking about my crotch, especially in this lengthy of a post, but I felt the need to warn other folks about the consequences of switching back and forth. Mostly because it would've been real f*cking nice for someone to have warned me. Oh well, you live, you learn, you move on.

I'm gonna stop talking about it now. 

Because we were in cahoots.

(This happened the day before New Years Eve and I'm just now getting around to tell you about it..... Oops?!).

Remember when I told you that my cousin Ashley wanted to set me up on a date with a guy that she worked with? And my reaction was all- "hell no, you're smoking crack rock and there's nothing that you can say or do to make me change my mind." Yeah well, cut to a week later with round the clock incessant bothering and I finally caved and was like- "I'll go if you agree to never talk to me again."

We decided that it would be a double date since neither of us had ever met each other (and I'm convinced that everybody is a secret serial killer). The good news is me and dude liked each other enough to be friendly, but not enough to actually date. Plus, I got pizza, onion rings and beer, so all is fair in love and war..... Right?!

His opinion on me: "She's cute and very sweet..... And also, VERY opinionated." Why yes dude, I am very opinionated. Thank you so much for noticing. It just comes naturally to me.

My opinion on him: "He's nice and has pretty teeth..... And also, I think he would rather have a boyfriend." Which is completely and 100% fine, I just think it's sad that there are still so many people that are hateful out there that people feel like they have to hide their true selves.

Now I know that I hate dating for a fact (I was pretty sure that I did, but needed to confirm it) and Ashley leaves us both alone. All in all, I think dude and I totally win. Here's looking at you, kid.