Ashley wants to set me up with a friend of hers.

(She's my cousin and I love her, but hell no).

Don't worry, she doesn't want me to date her (we don't play Deliverance up in here), but she does have a guy (Red) in mind. And apparently Red's "perfect for me" and we had to argue about it. I'm not kidding, we had a "text war." And then she told her mommy (Poot) on me.

Asshole.

It all started when she sent me the message- "Cousin....." and when she sends me a message like that there are only two things that it could be. 1: Something terrible has happened and she's trying to ease me into it somehow, or 2. She wants something and is plotting pure evil.

This is how our conversation went:

Ash: Cousin... Me: Cousin..... Ash: I have the perfect man for you. Me: Oh dear lord, no. Ash: Yes... he is awesome! And he said you are cute!! Me: Well, I am adorable. But, no. Ash: Why?? Me: Because I'm boycotting all men. I mean, not as much as you boycott them, but still. Why are you looking for me a man anyways? Ash: Come on, you should really be interested. I wasn't looking, but it popped in my head that he would be perfect for you! Me: And why is that? Ash: He has his masters in international business and he is currently in culinary arts school. Because he is awesome and you are awesome and you are both single and he would spoil the shit out of you. And he can cook!! And he is cute!! Me: If he's so great then why is he still single? There's always a catch, like serial killer. Ash: Because he works and goes to school and hasn't been looking! He is not a serial killer. He works with me!! Me: Thanks for looking out, cousin, but I'm good. Ash: You should talk to him! **sends me a picture of him** Me: I should also exercise regularly, quit drinking alcohol and stop using profanity, but ain't none of that gonna happen either! He is cute, but still, no thanks. Ash: Ok, fine! Me: Love you, cousin! See you tonight!! Ash: Yes, ma'am!!

**About an hour and a half later Aunt Poot showed up at our house to visit for a minute (we all went to Ashley's in-laws for Christmas Eve) and she tried to talk me into dating him. And was very adamant about him even though I'm pretty sure that she's never met him.**

Me: YOU TOLD YOUR MOMMY ON ME?!!!!! Ash: Yes, I did!! Me: Asshole. Ash: Yes, I am!!

And all night she talked about him and tried to convince me that he would be an awesome guy to me and on and on and on and on..... And then she listed the reasons that I should "give him a chance." They are as follows:

• He's a "good guy"
• He's very intelligent and talented (masters degree and culinary school)
• Hard worker
• Sweet
• Would "spoil the shit out of me"
• We're both awesome and single
• He can cook

This was all on Thursday and Thursday night. By Friday I was going over it in my head and slipped little questions in here and there while we were all together on Christmas day. And while we (Momma, Poot, Ashley, Solae and I) were watching one of those corny (but fabulous) Hallmark/ Christmas movies Ashley kept slipping in (not so) subtle one liners. It went something like- Me: "They don't make guys like this dude in real life. This is all Hallmark and Christmas magic." Ash: "I have a guy like that for you at work, but you won't cooperate and give him a chance." Nice one, Ash.

By Saturday (aka- right now) curiosity got the best of me. (And I may have ingested an entire bottle of wine on top of my allergy pills. Shh..... I didn't realize that I drank as much as I did- Oops?!). So, since curiosity about this guy got the best of me, I did what every mature adult does. I Facebook Stalked him. Yes, I went there. I was all up in that Facebook page. And do you know what I learned? I learned that we could probably never make it work. Here's why:

• I'm pretty sure that he's still stuck on his ex-fiance
• He hates musicals, country music and jazz
• He doesn't like pork
• The smell of apple/cinnamon makes him sick
• He has a beautiful baby girl..... but he's not "wrapped around her finger" (his words)

See what I mean? Let's be honest here, at least 65% of my brain is full of nothing, but music lyrics and movie quotes. That's just how I am. And he doesn't like pork? What does that mean for me and bacon?! Because bacon and I have been in a committed relationship for years and I'm not trying to lose that. Country music is my thing and Jazz soothes me. So, I guess what I'm saying is- What in the world do Red and I have in common? Maybe he likes the same kinds of movies as me? Doubtful, but maybe. But it's not like I could invite him over to the house for a "movie night" and you know why? Because I burn apple/ cinnamon candles and have apple/ cinnamon air freshener. Basically, that means my date would be puking all night.

And then there were a plethora of pictures of him with dudes and girls and the only thing I could think was- Man, this dude has alot of friends. Me? Not so much. I have friends, but they all live out of state. So, what would we talk about?

And then there's everything that Ash said to try and talk me into dating him. I don't need to be "spoiled." I can take care of myself, I always have. I've never wanted a guy to do that I don't think. I would like some of those random moments that you get when a guy really likes you, but I don't even know what "being spoiled" by a guy feels like. 

Which brings me to the next part- He had a fiance (I seen the ring) and I don't know if they ever got married or not, but that means he's obviously a commitment kind of guy. They have a kid and everything (but they're not together anymore). He's a commitment kind of guy and I'm not a commitment kind of girl. I mean, I'm all for just being with one guy and being his girlfriend (monogamy included), but I don't want to live with a guy, have kids or get married. And I make no bones about it. Never had. 

And finally she tried the "he's cute" card. Now, regardless if he is or not, that has never been something that I've looked at in a guy. Hygiene- Yes. Looks- No. How a person looks doesn't mean a damn thing to me, as long as they're a good person, then I have no problem with them. 

And we can't forget about me and my weird list of things that would hold me back from going on a date in the first place (with anyone). You want to know them to? Ok:

• Do I even want to be set up? That hasn't exactly done me any favors in the past, but then again, it could work when it's done for the right reasons
• I haven't dated in forever. I wouldn't even know how to go about it or act or dress. I would look and feel ridiculous and be completely nervous
• Am I over-thinking all of this? Probably 

And the most ridiculous thing that I can't help but to think of? I'm pretty sure his name (first and last) is an omen to me. I may be crazy. You know, crazier than people initially thought.

And don't get me wrong, I love Ashley and know that she has my best interest in her heart. She's trying to do something nice and sweet and I thank her dearly for it. But I can't get out of my own damn head long enough to even logically think about it. All I can think is- Why would a sweet, intelligent, talented, funny, awesome guy want anything to do with me? Let's just all be honest, say what you want about his looks (some people are yay, some nay), but either way you spin it- Dude is impressive. And I don't have the answers. And that bothers me on so many levels. All of my levels. I don't understand why I'm so self-conscience, but I am. It's safer to just stay at home. I may talk a big game, but when it comes to that- call me Puss McGee.

Ugh. The struggle is real.