When someone you know catches the stupid.

(And you can't help but roll your eyes).

Have you ever just had a moment in life when someone says something to you or does something and the only thing you can manage to think to yourself is- Have they always been this dumb?!

I had one of those moments Saturday night.

You would have gotten a kick out of me. I swear my sarcasm is reaching a whole new level and I even surprise myself with it sometimes.

You see, Saturday morning/ afternoon my Aunt had asked Momma and I to go to her grandson’s (my cousin) eighth birthday party with her. She just didn’t want to go by herself knowing that it was going to be mostly her ex daughter in laws family. We didn’t think anything about it and went with her.

Cut to Saturday night and we all receive text messages from her son (my cousin) telling us how we “betrayed him” and he was “disowning us.” The only thing that I could think of was- “who in the hell is this?” Because I didn’t have his phone number. Clearly, you can tell how close we are since I didn’t even have his number. 

But yes, he sent all of us messages over and over again (I swear, he’s worse than a chick) telling us that we were horrible people to “betray” him and how we’d have to answer to God. And also, the messages were from him and his wife, because they “are one.” His words, not mine. BARF. 

And then he informed me that he was going to “kick my ass.” 

As soon as I read the message I started busting out laughing and just couldn’t quit. For some reason I thought that was the funniest thing that I had ever heard. He didn’t think me laughing was very funny. And then this happened:

Him: You are a horrible excuse for a cousin and family. You wanna go hang out with my ex and son? You do so. But you’re nothing to me. God help you.

Me: Who is this?

Him: This is your cousin, Bart.

Me: You just said I’m nothing to you, and now I’m your cousin? I think you’re confused.

Him: You know what I mean!! 

Me: Now, what are you crying about?

Him: You spent time with my ex and son. You’re nothing to me.

Me: I’m nothing, again? Damn, glad we got that cleared up. So….. you’re mad that I went to your son’s birthday party?

Him: Yes. You’re spending time with him. God help you.

Me: He’s eight. What could he possibly have been doing that I would require help with? I mean, he had cake, pizza, video games and presents. I’m pretty sure he was low maintenance. 

Him: You know what I mean. You saw my ex.

Me: Well, they don’t usually let eight year olds have their own parties at pizza parlors. Afterall, someone has to pay.

Him: You being a smartass is getting you nowhere.

Me: Are you sure? It’s really done me a lot of good in life.

Him: You’re nothing. You betrayed me.

Me: You’re not important enough to betray.

Him: You are a sorry excuse for a cousin and family.

Me: Umm….. I’m pretty sure that I went to my eight year old COUSINS birthday party and bought him a Nerf gun, and he called me awesome, so I think that means I’m winning. 

Him: We’re done. Never speak to me again. God help you. I’ll pray for you. The only person I need in my life is Nevaeh (that’s his wife). She’s the only one that’s ever been there for me (they’ve broken up and gotten back together more than you could ever count, filed for divorce twice all in the past four years, do nothing but cheat on each other and he’s her sixth husband). We’ll pray for you.

Me: Please don’t, I don’t feel like being struck by lightning anytime soon. 

Him: We are better than you. You’re nothing. You don’t even get to call yourself our family. Traitor.

Me: Traitor, huh? Do traitors get to wear red? I look really good in red.

Him: Go ahead, mask your pain behind sarcasm, it won’t help. You’re never there for anyone, you’re a horrible person.

Me: I was there for your son. On his birthday. Today.  BOOM BITCH.

Him: You are a horrible excuse for a cousin and family. You wanna go hang out with my ex and son? You do so. But you’re nothing to me. God help you.

Me: Did you just copy your first message to me again? Look, I’m going to clear this all up in one message, because I’m trying to eat bbq and drink my beer and watch tv all at once and frankly messaging you is taking WAY too much time.  

Him: Go ahead, you’re nothing to me.

Me: Yeah, I heard you. So, you go right ahead and do what it is you have to do. As far as me being nothing to you? I guess that means that I’ll see you about as much as I do now and you’ll be treating me about the same. And also? Boo f*****g hoo. I will do whatever I f*****g please, because last time I checked I’m grown. You don’t want me to see your son? That’s the stupidest thing that I’ve ever heard. You’re allowed to see your own son, it’s only your current wife that can’t, so if you want to see any of your THREE kids, then leave your mutt at home and go see them. 

And thank you for sending God my way for a little help, as soon as I find the salvation that you feel I need, I’ll be sure to send him your way. I wouldn’t want to be stingy. I love that you claim to be a Christian man and now all you do is preach at people. Not to them, but at them. You can think, do and say whatever you please. I don’t give a shit. I refuse to take part in you acting like a 13 year old girl, I didn’t deal with that shit when I was one. You just have a blast with it. I couldn’t care less. 

I betrayed you? Give me a f*****g break. You haven’t been pleasant to me in months, so it’s not like I’m losing anything. I used to look up to you, I thought that you were the best. Now I see that you’re a petty little man who gets pissed that someone would want to be there for your kid. So, you have fun with that. I guess I’ll see you around….. 

Oh yeah, that’s right, no I won’t. Damn, how will I ever be able to recover? How will I move on? I guess I’ll figure it out, maybe Jesus can help me with that since you’re putting a good word in for me with God. Thanks for the prayers, I can never have too many. But make sure you don’t tell God what all you said about Nevaeh the last time you broke up, I wouldn’t want him to be angry and not help us out. Afterall, you can only call someone a **** so many times before God starts reevaluating the situation. 

I hope it all works out for the best. I’m not even going to explain to you that I went for your kid and no one else, but I don’t have to give you an explanation for why I wanted to be at my little cousins’ birthday party. I guess this is goodbye (or at least I surely hope it is, because I cannot handle your winy ass). I’ll let you go, make sure to wear a helmet for when you fall off of that f*****g pedestal. I wouldn’t want you to get injured; lord knows you’ve had your ass kicked enough. Bye.

Him: ….. Yeah, well, you’re nothing.

Me: You again? I thought I was rid of you. Go clean your vagina or something, I’m too busy to listen you. 

Him: I’m more man than any guy that you’ve ever been with. 

Me: Just the fact that you’re biologically my cousin and you’re comparing yourself to any of the guys that I’ve been with is disgusting.

Him: That’s not what I meant!!!

Me: Don’t care. You said it. Gross.

Him: ….. 

Me: Yeah, I know, I’m nothing. Blah, blah, BYE. 

Him: Don’t ever text me again.

Me: I’M A REBEL, BITCH!!!!!

And that was the end of it. I swear, if I had known what a winy little girl he was, I would have disowned him forever ago. The hilarious part is that he just avoids me now and has told everyone that he’s no longer related to any of us. 

I've never been so lucky.