I don't know what it's gonna be... but we have all the ideas.

Ever since we became firm in our decision to cut bait with Indy and head South we've been talking about our next steps. Fixing up our house to sell... deciding on future homes... debating our work to life balance and how that translates into our future work load... imagining sunshine as opposed to the frigid death that is currently blowing outside.

Seriously, feels like the movie "The Thing" out there. Frigid and not entirely unsettling. 

Intertwined with all these decisions and unknowns are also a bunch of questions that Dev has been asking me forever but I've never really had an answer for him. Sweetheart, what are your hobbies? What do you like to do? What kind of life do you want to live? What makes you happy?

And honestly? I don't know. And I know that sounds ridiculous because I'm thirty-five so how could I possibly NOT know? And yet, here we are. I've always been more of a "I have to work, I'll get to that later" type of person. Before I stopped going to therapy, I was referred to as exhibiting "hyperarousal." And no, that isn't as dirty minded as it sounds... it means I live in a constant state of "fight or flight." 

Doesn't stop there though... did you know with fight or flight also comes freeze or fawn? It was all new to me and I'm not sure I followed it all as well as I would have liked but basically it shoved a mirror in my face and made me see I was a people-pleasing bundle of nerves ready to crack at the first sign of failure. Apparently when it's "always up to you" to find the solution or your entire family is screwed... and you start that shit at fourteen... and who knows what leading up to that... well... there tends to be some long-lingering side effects.

As in... I don't really know who I am as a person. I mean, I'm getting there and have a better handle on it now than what I ever have... but I'm not really there yet. Deep down? I know who I am. In my soul and how I want to treat people... but the pieces that make up me? I got nothing.

But, I'm trying. And Dev is as supportive and loving as he's ever been with all of it. I could deadass look that man in the face and tell him I never want to work a day in my life ever again and if I really meant it, I truly believe he would find a way to make it happen. He's the first and only person in my entire life to want me to do any and everything I want and to hold absolutely none of me back. Big personality? No problem for him.

He's got that soulmate shit on lock.

So I've been thinking about things I might want to do. Hobbies I might want to try... even if I end up hating them. I want to try things I've never had the opportunity to pursue and find out if I love them or if they're just an annoying little fantasy. I want to do new things and go on adventures and spend as much time as humanly possible with my husband. If we're going to rebuild this new life... I want us as happy as possible for the rest of it.

First things first... we have to narrow down our camper. I think we've decided to go used and possibly buy second hand. We want it to basically function however we need it to start out and we'll do all the upgrades and changes as time goes on. Something nice but not ridiculous. We want to learn how to run everything on solar and learn how to do all maintenance and customization on our own.

And then... I want to fill it with love and music and puppies. Make it cozy and homey but entirely us. 

We both want a massive garden... fruits, vegetables, herbs, flowers, and shrubbery. And then I want to get back into canning and baking and homesteading. Make my own bread and figure out how to use these plants medicinally and get lost in the process of it all.

Books... podcasts... radio... television... social media... firsthand life experience.

Refurbishing that table with my MIL over Thanksgiving was so much fun and Dev and me got lost in the process. It's not something I've ever done but have always been interested in. She explained what I needed to do and when I messed up or wasn't sure, she was patient and understanding. Always has been, always is, and probably forever will be. Dev mentioned it to me when we were talking and said he had never seen me invest in something and it hold my attention to the point I didn't walk away. Which is fair, because my attention span is nonexistent. But... this I liked. And I want to do more of it, I think. I already have ideas for furniture we're taking with us and things we'll want and I can do in the future. Will it happen? I don't know... but I'm excited to find out. 

I want to get my nose re-pierced and get a bunch more tattoos. Green hair? If possible, I want to keep it forever. My SIL (hi, Cait!) insists that she's never met a person in her entire life that looks like they have green hair naturally... but it somehow looks like it should've grown right out of my own head that way. I want to cut the collar off ALL my shirts and wear shoes as little as possible. Like I said before, feral Katie is my favorite Katie.

I want to collect antiques and make them useful again... maybe find an old Singer sewing machine, fix it up and get back into sewing. Clothes and quilts... helpful shit for our lives that can translate into love. Maybe find an old wringer washer and hang up a clothes line. Simple things that people have upgraded in their lives and forgot where it started. 

I want to look into having bees... and learning to weld... maybe take up crazy painting. Learn how to put a lift on and do the maintenance to our Bronco. Build a lean-to and gather pieces of the universe around us to build a sanctuary.

We plan to follow my in-laws around and make them our besties. Dev has missed his family on a level that I could never explain and the thought of getting to hang out with them and have dinners and adventures and family time? Serene. I'm gonna follow my FIL around and make him teach me shit. Hell, you can learn from the man just standing next to him. And while he's talking bikes with Dev... I'll be talking paint versus stain with my MIL. Maybe we'll finally even get around to her putting me on a horse. I mean... they're a horse family and she used to barrel-ride... if anybody is gonna teach me some shit, it would be her.

We want to see our niece and nephews grow firsthand... not just in pictures and video calls. We want to be apart of their childhoods and be known as their "free spirit" aunt and uncle. We want them to know they can come to us and they'll find nothing but love and understanding and patience. We want to grow with them and get to see the amazing people they become. Do I want to pick up your kid from school and be the adult responsible for their well being? Absolutely not. But, do I want to go on that list that says I'm one of the most trusted adults that their lives have to offer? Desperately. Put us on the f*cking list.

And yeah, I don't know how we're going to manage all this or how we're gonna get there... but you know what? We're gonna do it together and get there eventually because it's what we want. Neither of us know what the future holds as far as our jobs... but that's literally the only thing. (Truthfully, when it comes down to it, if we could both work part-time at the same place on the same shift we'd be just as happy as anything else... even though I'm really beseeching the universe to find that remote position).

We don't know what life is going to look like when we get there... it's a new beginning... but we do know what we want to build towards. And honestly? I'll take that over misery any day. Just having a plan and pushing this to be our reality has made changes in the both of us. We know what we want and what we don't want and we can figure out the details along the way... together.

But, if y'all could manifest some ease and sprinkle-sprinkle out into the universe for us? I would greatly appreciate it. Because the fear of the unknown is overwhelming... even though we're working on it.