A little catchup on life in general and the daily struggles of mental health.

Life has been... I would like to say good, because it really does feel that way, but I also don't want to jinx myself or anyone around me either. I'm not sure what it is, but life has had a kind of calm around it lately. Things are very go with the flow and I find myself reflecting on memories or thoughts in a peaceful kind of way.

Don't get me wrong, there's every day normal stress... daily personal problems, work, health, financial. But, life in general has felt a bit serene. I find myself on edge less and it takes more than usual to make me panic.

Perhaps it has something to do with my surroundings... D and I finally managed to get our house and yard cleaned up. Don't get me wrong, more could definitely be done, but for the most part it's clean and doesn't look like a swarm of crackheads came through and had a field day. It actually looks like normal people live there... well, mostly normal people.

I don't think anyone would accuse us of being too normal. Or, normal at all really now that I think about it.

Also, I find "normal" to leave a bad taste in my mouth. I'm not sure who decided what was appropriate and what wasn't, but the fact that we live our lives how we see fit and let ourselves be happy is good enough for me. I don't really care if other people don't find my way of life to be acceptable.

But yes, our house being clean was like a giant weight lifted off my shoulders. It may sound insane, but I had so much anxiety that constantly ate at me when our house was a mess. 

And yet, I couldn't find any motivation to do anything about it. It was a real Catch-22 situation. I didn't like it a mess, but couldn't find the effort to do anything about it. Ironic, huh? It literally took me four hours to scrub our shower down.

FOUR. And don't get me wrong, it probably didn't need that thorough of a cleaning (yes, it did) and I could've probably stopped long before I did (no, it definitely needed all of the attention it got and probably then some), but it looks so much better now... and I feel so much damn better about it. 

I've talked about not cleaning or maintaining a house like Momma used to... I'm just not that person. I've thought about it, accepted it, and moved on. However, there are some things that are forever ingrained in my brain and while I may not keep house like her, I do still like to keep house. Or yet, I like having a kept house. It doesn't have to be perfect or immaculate, but it does have to be comfortable 

And I do like cleaning house... mostly. I find it comforting to toodle around mopping or cleaning... making sure laundry is caught up. Once everything is cleaned, the windows are open, and the candles/incense are lit, I'm at my most calm. Remember when I said I sometimes wake up early in the morning and stand in my kitchen with nothing but silence and coffee and contemplate the day ahead or my life in general? Well, it's even more peaceful surrounded by cleanliness and comfort items.

D did the entire back yard by himself and I am entirely impressed. He hacked down all the crazy tomato plants and vines that had taken over and put everything back in its rightful place. Even our firepit is standing at the ready to take out all the hang around stuff that shouldn't be there. He blew off the sidewalk and the pups are so damn thrilled. Spart and Xur love to run around and play in the openness and even little Tayderbug appreciates not having to scour the jungle looking for a place to pee.

We've been meaning to do this for quite some time, but always lacked the motivation to do so. I always joked with D that something like his mom coming to visit would have to happen before it actually got done. I mean, something would have to kick us in our asses to get the ball rolling, right? Well, something did apparently.

D's cousin, Travis, is staying with us for a bit. I love the guy like he's a little cousin or brother so when D said he needed a place to crash and asked if he could stay with us, I didn't mind at all. In the span of one day he... lost his job, house, fiancé and dog. Honestly, I'm just glad the guy has a newer truck, because I had a feeling it was going to be turning real 90s country love ballad soon. He started staying with us last Thursday (? I think it was Thursday) and it's been going real good. We don't mind having the company and we've seemed to find a somewhat routine with each other for now. D and I have a very calm and "hippie-esque" vibe about our lives and that's how we live it... and he seems to be ok with that and fit into it nicely. We all go about our own business, but also co-exist and hang out.

With that said, that's the motivation we needed. Trav is currently crashing in our spare room, so we rearranged to fit his stuff, but that also kickstarted our cleaning weekend. And honestly, I'm glad it did, because I love our house even more now. 

Other than that, we've just been relaxing and trying not to get too stressed about anything. D's been taking me for rides on his bike (and got me all decked out in gear-helmet, gloves, jacket) and it's something that we both have fun doing together. Between that and the random fishing trips we've been taking down at the river, life has just been... nice.

Cleaning, cooking, reading, relaxing... I know it all sounds ridiculous and you're wondering how any of that could possibly make me happy, but it does. Because I feel like me and I feel happy and I feel peaceful. I have an amazing, loving, caring, compassionate, adoring husband and three of the most adorable and loving pups that were ever put on this planet.

Sure, I have everyday stress and worries, we all do. I struggle with my mental health on a daily basis and there are times I feel so overwhelmed I don't know which way is up. I have moments or thoughts that are sad or unsettling, but I also have wonderful moments full of laughter and light. 

Things aren't perfect, they rarely ever are, but if this is the feeling I have for the rest of my life, I'll take it. Because while it may not be someone else's perfect, it feels pretty damn great to me.

I have decided to chop all of my hair off.... again.

I've been letting my hair grow out since last years May in the thought that it would be long enough to "style" for our wedding this coming October. It seemed like a legitimate thought at the time, and to be honest, getting all of your hair chopped off is always risky, because who even knows if the hairdresser is going to f*ck it up or not.

But, as I get older, I enjoy my hair shorter. Actually, I've always switched back and forth on the length of my hair and have ranged from hair to my hips to hair just below my chin. And a couple of years ago, I had my favorite short hairstyle.

D enjoys my hair longer (maybe that's a guy thing?), but has also made the comment, "you're the one who has to deal with it and wear it, so you do whatever your little heart desires." (He knew that I was going to do whatever I want anyways).

I've been debating on this for awhile, but have always waivered, because I can't find the woman who originally gave me my favorite haircut and I was worried somebody else would f*ck up my life. Insert Dani. I was explaining all of this to her last week and she gave me the number to her hair gal. After about an hour of going back and forth, I text the woman and set up an appointment for this Thursday. And I think.... I'm just going to have her chop it all off.

I haven't told anybody about this other than Dani, and I'm just going to surprise D when he gets home on Thursday. Like, surprise honey! I chopped all of my hair off, BUT at least I didn't do it myself in the bathroom.... again! I guess we'll see if this is a good idea or not. *fingers crossed*

My MIL came for a secret visit and I'm a terrible liar.

My MIL (Trisha) decided to fly up for the weekend (as most people know, D' entire family lives in Florida), but she wanted it to be a surprise for him. She sent me a message (we've always had a good relationship and talk/text a couple times a week) about a week or so before her trip and asked if I could help her keep the secret and surprise D. Of course, I was all for it, but the only problem is.... I'm a terrible liar. Especially to him. Can't lie for shit.

But, I held it in and started doing things around the house to try and prepare for company (ie: tried to clean up that back bedroom, and rearrange some stuff). The more I did, the more suspicious D got, but he wasn't exactly sure what he should be suspicious of.

By the time Friday rolled around, I took a half day at work so I could clean the house good and pick Trisha up at the airport. She offered to Uber to our house, but I just couldn't have that. Her flight didn't land until 5:30pm, so I called D on his way home from work and told him that I had some errands to run and I would be home shortly. He thought that was weird, because I never leave the house after five on a Friday (or, any other day, but whatever), but it's literally the only thing I could come up with.

I picked her up and while D called on our way home from the airport, we still managed to pull it off and completely shock him! He was so happy and surprised and I'm so glad we did it that way for him. She only got to stay through the weekend (boo!- luckily, we're heading down that way for vacation next month) and I took her back to the airport on Sunday, but between Friday and then we went to a little hole in the wall for breakfast, stopped by the Petco, shopped for supplies and made endless bloody mary's and beef jerky, and her and I watched Chicago PD. It was lowkey and not adventurous, but it was still fun and nice to have her around for a bit.

And also, to surprise D as much as we did!! All in all, I'd say it was a success.

Falalalalalalala..... ugh.

Y'all, it's officially two days until Christmas, and tomorrow we pick D's dad up at the airport. As most people know, I'm not exactly in the "holly jolly" spirit, but the new side of that is apparently I have more anxiety about it than I originally thought and I legitimately have these big red knots all over my face and neck (they feel/look like something between a hive and a zit) and they're extremely painful.

But, I'm just trying to pull through and get this dealt with.... by cleaning the house like nobody's business, wrapping presents (except I'm lazy, so some of them are just in a random box surrounded by actually wrapped presents), drinking copious amounts of wine and liquor, and watching Andrew Conn videos on Youtube. Why? Because the dude never fails to crack me up.

So yeah, that's where I'm at with the holiday season. Covered in painful hives, dreading all things merry and bright, and stressing over the fact that I still have a shit ton of cleaning to do before we pick up D's dad tomorrow. See people, this is why they invented alcohol. I'm convinced the first guy that made wine did it by accident and was just amazed at it's calming capabilities and knew that with the right amount, he could conquer.... or at the very least get by.

I finally met one of my FIL's and had a great time.

D's stepdad had to fly into Indy for work and we actually got to pick him up and spend a few hours with him. I had never met him before (I've only ever met his dad one time and that's when we were sixteen for about two minutes), but assumed he would be awesome, since D thinks so highly of him.

I was right, he is awesome. We got to pick him up around 7:30 at night (from the place his company was having a gathering) and took him back to his hotel later on (we didn't get home until after midnight!). You should have seen me driving on the highway with limited vision, no sense of direction, and a lead foot.... it was fairly comical.

Not to mention, our pups seemed to thoroughly enjoy having their grandpa/a new face around to visit for a bit.

We wish he could have stayed longer and that D's mom could have come with him, but we at least got to have dinner with him (D cooked ribs and I made mashed taters/gravy and green beans) and hang out for a few hours. Even though we had absolutely zero light in our living room.... another story for another day.

We can't wait to see them all again and will still be heading down in March to see his entire family.

We took all three of our pups to the vet at the same time.

And we made it back home with no casualties. #Survivor

This past Saturday was certainly eventful. I had called on friday to make an appointment to get all of our pups into the vet for their shots and to try and get something for fleas. Luckily, they were able to accomodate me very quickly and not only did they give me an appointment for the next day, but they were able to see them all at once, that way we didn't have to come back and forth or split them into different days.

And while it was hectic, to say the least, it was also awesome to get all of my babies taken care of at the same time.

We've had a real problem with fleas this year, and no matter how hard we try and how many baths they get, and no matter how much over the counter medicine we've given them, nothing has seemed to work. Fortunately, they gave all of our boys shots to help with their skin irritation and good meds to take care of the fleas.

My little Tayder has dermatitis. By good fortune, we caught it in time so that it didn't become a serious "problem", but they still gave me antibiotics for him, just in case. Which is helpful, since he also needed antibiotics for his little tooth.

All three of them are also on steroids for precautionary measures to help with their skin. (And all of their shots are up to date).

We took them home, gave all three baths, mediated them, cleaned (I clean basically every day, but we felt that another good cleaning couldn't hurt), and even took the rug out of our living room for good measure. They are all officially feeling much better and are sleeping better than they have in weeks. (Even though Spart is sick, but because he ate something that didn't agree with his belly.... hopefully he'll feel 100% much sooner).

And guess what? They're still the cutest pups in all the land. ❤