Wednesday, March 18, 2015

How to: Survive a Hangover {According to Danielle}.

Danielle and I were talking about hangovers last Friday. It's been awhile since I've actually had one, but she's kind of a pro at it by this point. Except New Years Eve when she got so drunk at the neighbors house that she informed her husband that she was and I quote "just gonna puke right here in the front yard". Don't worry, he made her go into the house before she actually puked. And she immediately regretted drinking all of those tasty alcoholic beverages the next morning. So, to avoid absolute impending death, here are her step by step guidelines for survival.


1. Stop puking.

This is the first and most important step really. Basically because you can't function let alone do anything else involving life while still going through this process. So, get it all out so you can move on.

2. Water and Meds.

After the puking ceases you're going to want to load up on water and meds. The alcohol induced vomiting has made you severely dehydrated and in turn is causing your head to feel about 9 times its normal size. Sorry.  

3. Rest. Approximately 20 hours. (Or 6 if you're not overly-dramatic).

Sometimes 6 hours can feel like 20 hours of rest and it's much needed at this point. After all, you did just spend the last 3.5 hours throwing up vodka and tequila. (Not the best drink mixture, by the way). 

4. Eat. Cheese or Bread. Or a whole box of cheez-its. With caffeine.

Because they're (Cheez-its) basically bread and cheese. But don't try eating just cheese and crackers, because it's not the same. It has to be cheez-its. Or, you can eat McDonalds breakfast. But it HAS to be their breakfast. If you've missed the cut-off, just stop at the store and get cheez-its.

5. At this point you're going to get the shakes.

Take a shower and drink some more caffeine to get over the shakes. If you don't do something to alleviate the shakes you're going to start vomiting again and then have to start this whole process over. You're halfway there, you don't want to start over. Trust me.

6. Get 10 more hours of rest.

Maybe not exactly 10 more hours, but this step is kind of like number 3. Just a few more hours of rest can feel like 10.

7. Eat a big meal. The greasier the better.

This is where pizza with extra cheese and pepperoni or a hamburger and fries comes in handy. If you're a vegetarian, I don't really know what to tell you to eat. Mozzarella sticks, perhaps? But you're going to want to make sure that whatever it happens to be that it is greasy.

8. Go back to bed.

After that big meal you're going to need some sleep. And you may ask "But why? I'm feeling so much better?" IT'S A TRAP. Don't be fooled, if you don't go back to bed you'll regret that you even exist.

9. Next day: Take more meds and drink more caffeine.

You made it through the whole first day and should be proud. If you followed my step by step guide then you're probably feeling pretty good. Not 100% but when was the last time you truthfully felt 100%? If you're thinking about it the answer is a long freaking time ago.

10. If you made it this far there's only one thing left you have to do.

And that is- make it through the chronic alcohol induced diarrhea that's bound to emerge. Good luck and Godspeed.