Wednesday, April 1, 2015

When you have to tell your friend she's a prostitute.

(Let me give you a little back story first).

This is about my friend Dea. We went to school together, but we were never really close on account that she was two or three years ahead of me. I know that, because her brother was one year ahead of me. (And no offense Dea, but he was kind of a dick). Don't worry, we've both talked about that.

When we got older she started working at the Nursing Home. I had already been there a couple of years so they had me "train her in". Which sounds much more elaborate than it actually is. Basically "train in" means you just teach them the job like you do every other single job on the planet. She had already been a CNA at a couple other Nursing Homes, so she pretty much had the gist of it. We quickly became friends and still talk (semi)regularly. 

She's been with the same guy on and off for the past five or six years. And I do mean on and off. One minute they're so in love and planning their wedding and the next minute they're broken up and cussing at each other. One time she even threw something at his head. I don't remember what it was, but apparently it was big and made contact. Hey, it's the risk you take when you mess and/or fight with a fantastic former softball playing champion.

Well, they've been "off" for about a month or so now and I received a message from her via FB messenger. And then we had to have the most ridiculous conversation that we've ever had. Ok, maybe not the most ridiculous (not even close), but it was pretty bad.

Dea: You will never guess what I did for a couple of days, that's probably why we haven't talked. Katie: What did you do for a couple of days? (Side note: I totally guessed right, but I let it go). Dea: ******* Katie: You did ******* for a couple of days? Dea: Yes. Katie: How much coffee did you drink? Dea: I don't know what's wrong with me. Katie: Were there breaks? Dea: Focus. Katie: Sorry. So does that mean that you're getting back together? Dea: I still don't like him. Katie: Of course you don't, he's an ass. Dea: But he said if I live there that I could go back to school and not have to work while I'm taking classes. It's a hell of a deal. Katie: That is a hell of a deal. So? Dea: What do you think? Katie: Well. Isn't this kind of like a prostitute offer? I feel like this is the plot of the sequel to Pretty Woman. You're doing someone you don't like for monetary value. It sounds worse than a Pretty Woman sequel. Dea: Hell he might be my Richard Gere. Katie: I don't recall ******* being a bajillionaire. Dea: True. Katie: So what are you going to do? Dea: Hell Katie, I really don't know. Katie: The real question is- Can you live with ******* for the next few years without murdering him in his sleep? Dea: Hell I don't know but I do know I have friends and family that will visit me in prison. Katie: I'll totally come visit you in prison. And I'll slip you a spoon so you can Shawshank that shit. Dea: Aww, thanks. Katie: Anytime! And don't forget to tell me what you decide. Dea: Will do.

And that's how I kind of told my friend that she's a prostitute. And no one knows if they're getting back together or not. Including them.