Wednesday, July 22, 2015

It was going to just be a comment; not so much anymore

Hi. In case you don't know, my name is Katherine, but you can just call me Katie, most people with the exception of a few do. And apparently, I'm an asshole. No argument here, I kind of am. This is me holding a friend of mines little boy a few years ago on his first Christmas. I look extremely viscous, huh? I mean, clearly you can tell that I'm a horrible person from the fact that I'm smiling and carrying him around, right?


Let me start from the beginning-

I was reading one of my favorite bloggers- Miriam (Farm Girl) the other day and she had written a post about what it's like as a woman, when you decide not to have children. She described what it feels like when you tell someone what it's like when you decide not to have children and how society judges you for it. People tend to come down on you and judge you when they know that you don't want children. Even going as far as thinking that you are suspicious.

She says- "People who know a woman doesn't want children think that she is suspicious. Something must be wrong with them. Isn't this what women were made for, being mothers? If a woman doesn't want children, she is labelled as being incredibly selfish. It isn't natural. Also, everybody tells her that she will regret it later in life, no doubt about it."

I have to say that I agree with her on that one, because I make no excuses for when someone inquires whether or not I want children (I don't). They kind of already assume that I do, just for the plain fact, that's what I'm "supposed to want". I mean, who doesn't want to have a family of their own? I'm sorry, I didn't realize that the one I have right now doesn't really count. My bad.

I commented on this particular post of hers, just to show my support to her, because I know what it's like when you tell someone this and they treat you like you're a leper. I just meant to convey my feelings and support, but I'm pretty sure that what I ended up doing was sounding a bit like a lunatic.

My comment:

"I completely agree with you on this one, Miriam. I myself, don't want kids and people seem to not find that ok, or accept it. They ask, and I tell them, I have just never wanted kids, I don't, it's just not for me. And they usually reply with- "Oh, yes you do". No, I'm pretty sure that I don't. This isn't something that I "just decided" one day, it's something that I have put a lot of thought into and a decision I made, not without reservation. For a long time I thought that something was wrong with me, because I didn't want them, but then I realized, there wasn't anything wrong with me, no matter what other people thought, when it really comes down to it, it's my life and decision. To hell with society, there are plenty of things about me that they don't like to go along with that. I'm happy that you made the decision that was best for you. People always tell me- "You'll want kids someday" or "Why not? They're the best! You haven't lived without having kids" and my personal favorite- "You say that now, but just wait until you meet Mr. Right". I just want to look at these people (and I have to admit, I have) and say- Oh, really?! I'm sorry, I didn't realize that I wasn't living by being happy and standing on my own two feet. I'm sorry, I didn't realize that doing all of the things that I love and being surrounded by people that fill my world up with joy, laughter, fun and about a million other emotions weren't enough, I must not really be happy, you obviously know me better than I know myself. And oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know that I needed to wait for "the man of my dreams" to make all of my major life decisions. My bad, I'll get right on that. In other words, I'm happy for you and proud of you, ma'am!! There's nothing wrong with you, society has it wrong if they think there is. You're awesome!!"

And don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those kind of people that thinks everything has to be put into a category or subcategory. I don't necessarily think that everything that is said or done is sexist, racist, feminist or any other "ist" that you can think of. I just don't. I'm not that jaded and I feel like people blow things completely out of proportion on more than one occasion.....a day. I have my own way of thinking and I have a very simple way of looking at things.

I don't care what nationality that you are. I don't care if you're man, woman or identify as another. I don't care what your sexual orientation or preference is. I don't care if you're Catholic, Southern Baptist, Presbyterian, Muslim, Jewish or any other religion that you call your own. It doesn't matter to me. And do you know why? Because it doesn't affect me in the least little bit. You living your life has nothing to do with me living mine. Your decision about which gender you want to spend your life with, what God or Deity that you pray to that brings you comfort or of which race you choose your friend or lover, is none of my concern. As long as you are a good person, as long as you are a kind and giving person, as long as you are a caring person, as long as you are an accepting person, it doesn't matter to me. Basically, as long as you aren't a shitty person, it doesn't matter to me. To me, we're not categorized, we're just people. 

And the only reason that I say- "As a woman, I know how you feel" is because that is also the truth. No matter which way you spin it and no matter which way you look at it and try to make things as equal and opportunistic as you want, there are still going to be those people out there in society that are judging you for your decisions, beliefs and choices. There is just never going to be a time when everyone agrees with what you're doing or how you decide to live your life. And you know what? That's ok too.

If it makes you feel better to judge me or talk about how "horrible and sad or sinful" my life must be, then the more power to you. If you want to put forth the effort that it takes to throw snide comments and sideways glances at me, then you go right ahead. I only say "As a woman, I know how you feel", because I have the choice to carry and give birth to children and people tend to ask a woman more often than a man. Call it sexist if you will, but let's stop playing and pretending that there aren't certain expectations put on a woman. Just as there are for a man. I'm not saying that men aren't asked whether or not they want children and I'm not saying that certain expectations aren't "expected" of a man in society, because there most certainly are. This isn't a "woman on a mission for other women against men" thing. This is a person as a person kind of thing. 

I feel like I am an accepting person. You can ask anyone that knows me. I never take others opinions, I decide for myself. And I am good to all that are good to me, my family, my friends and people that fill the world in general. I just don't know why there isn't more acceptance. You don't like my choices or decisions? Ok, but as long as they aren't affecting you, what does it matter? How is my decision about not wanting children bothering you exactly? The answer, if you happen to be looking for it, is it isn't in any way, except for only in your very own small mind. Isn't it equally as "sexist" to say that I should want children, just because it's biologically hardwired into my DNA as a woman? There are plenty of women that do/don't want children. There are plenty of men that do/don't want children. Quit assuming that you should want something "just because".

I'm not saying that you can't have your own beliefs or opinions, but quit trying to hoard in on mine. Don't be a horrible person (and you know what I mean by that), just be a good person and let people live their own lives. As long as you aren't hurting anybody or doing bad things, you just do what you feel is the right thing for yourself.

And I'm sure that there are people that will read this and have quite a few comments on why I'm wrong about ALL of this and how I should just sit down and hush, because I'm obviously mistaken, crazy, delusional or misinformed. I'd have to be to believe all of this, right? And do you know what I have to say to all of those people that believe that?

As we say in the south- Bless your heart.