Friday, November 13, 2015

Because I'm mature like that.

(Except really not at all).

Remember my good ole buddy- B. Davis? Of course you do, she's the one that has more issues in her love life than Buffalo Bill. Not in the same context, but you get my idea. Well, she has had yet another mishap when it comes to her current "flame." Oh, the things that happen when the crackling flames burn down to embers. Sorry, I'm in a serious metaphorical mood right now, I'll try to restrain myself.


Again, I apologize. So, back to BD. Remember when her and I had that long talk about unicorns and I said that the current guy she was seeing might surpass her unicorn? I should've known better than to say that, afterall, unicorns are mythical and mysterious for a reason. And the reason is the fact that they can't be surpassed (at least for this analogy).

Her Dilemma (with my sarcastic comments included):

She needed some "real talk" and she knows that if she needs someone to be a borderline asshole honest then she can always count on me. She said "I'm having some issues with this whole (insert the guy's name here) thing. After the initial it's over we didn't talk for weeks. He finally messaged me and we spent a few hours talking and of course there was sex (because when isn't there sex when you're attracted to someone who blew you off a few weeks ago- sarcasm?). Then he messaged me the next day and the day after that and then it just stops. We talked on Halloween (maybe the day after- she couldn't fully remember) and I always initiate the conversation, and then nothing until last night (sounds like a booty call to me). I made the choice to factory reset my phone and it erased all of those messages from him along with the pictures (side note: couldn't you have just manually deleted all of that without resetting your entire phone?). I felt a little relief, then I got the message from him. It's like he knows when I'm to the point of giving up (I feel like only a Jedi would know that, and he is definitely no Jedi). So, we talk and he ends up coming over (first mistake was talking, second was him coming over), but strangely I don't regret any of the times and it's like my rational thoughts turn off until hours later (you're an emotional female, you only have two stages and neither is rational nor logical- you only have 1. panic induced spasms that include you repeating "why doesn't he like me?!" while drinking alcohol and 2. smack talk about his tiny penis..... yes, even if it's not tiny)."

My Follow-up (with a minor defense):

"So, what do you want me to help you with? Because the way I look at it, if you're ok just sleeping with him and not having a relationship (yes, some people do that and it's entirely ok and healthy), then quit over thinking everything else. If you're not ok with just sex and casual conversation, quit right now- cold turkey like a heroin addict."

Her Rebuttal (once again, including my sarcastic comments):  

"I don't know if I'm ok with it or not. It's the lack of communication/conversation that I think I'm not ok with. We don't talk much at all. Weeks go by and not one word (sounds like a dream of mine). It bothers me that he spent so much time telling me it wasn't just sex (of course he did..... so you would in turn have sex with him). He said it over and over and over (again, so you would in turn have sex with him). And now..... it clearly is and I just don't know where my head is."

My Defense (with clear reasoning):

"Unfortunately, as a woman, you can't go from here without confronting your feelings (clearly, you haven't built up the tolerance of ignoring your feelings like I have) and seeing if you're ok with it or not (you're not). My own personal experience, and take this with a grain of salt, because we both know how much I drink (it helps with the whole "not confronting my feelings" thing), I'm going to go ahead and say that you're not ok with it, because you already have feelings invested (because hormones)."

Her Second Argument (do I even need to tell you I'm sarcastic at this point?):

"I know I should just cut my losses and call it a day, but it's like when he texts or something, all rational thoughts (we've talk about this, you don't have any) and brain activity shuts off. I go deaf and dumb to any kind of coherent thoughts until after he's gone and come down from my 'high' and then I'm like- dammit!! (we've all been there)"

My Solution (with complete maturity- I had drank a bit by this point):

"Tell him that. Let him think he's coming over for booty and then be like- NO. No booty for you, sir!! Because you're an asshole."

Her Final Stand and Hope (you know what's coming):

"And that's what I was trying to do..... with resetting my phone. And then boom he texts. Maybe....."

My Closing Argument (so much alcohol involved at this point):

"Then you're going to have to take the mature approach to this whole situation. Secretly egg his car, block all of his numbers/social media and avoid him like he was the Black Plague and your life depended on it. I'm talking bob and weave, hiding behind people at the grocery store, maybe even relocating to a new state."

Needless to say, my maturity is being called into question and she's still nowhere near a solution.