Still trying.

One month ago, I admitted that I was trying. Trying to navigate my life without Momma. Trying to get a handle on my feelings.

And frankly, here it is a month later, and I still got nothing. Don't get me wrong, I don't mean the "nothing" as in I don't have people or things in my life. I mean "nothing" in the sense of I'm still lost.

157,000% still lost. And even more so unable to wrangle in my feelings.

I also came to the realization that I'm not doing as well as what I thought I was.

You see, Momma always taught me that when devastating things happen, you hold yourself together as much as you can, that way you can be there for everyone around you that you love.

I'm not sure if she ever meant to teach me that, because she always made sure I knew I could come to her with any and every thing, but I learned it through her example.

No matter what, even when her emotions poked through, she was always the strong one. ALWAYS. I can remember that as plain as day for my entire life. That's just who she was. Ask anyone, and they'll tell you.... Lizzie is the strong one. Or, I guess, was the strong one.

Honestly, when people tell me that I look like her or act like her, I've always taken it as a compliment. To me, there has never been nor will there ever be a better woman. She was it. And like my mother, I've always prided myself on being the "strong" one. Sure, we all have tiny moments where we cry or our emotions try to peek through, but like her, I've always been fairly good at holding it in and moving forward.

Except this time.

This time I find myself at a loss for words. I can't tell people that I'm good when they ask. I can't tell Devon what's wrong when he asks me why I'm crying, because even I don't know how I feel. Trying to put it into words and not being able to is equal parts indescribable and incredibly frustrating. (I've always used my words.... another thing Momma taught me). I can't even listen to Bon Jovi, because that makes me cry.

Yes, you heard me correctly, BON JOVI MAKES ME CRY NOW.

I couldn't tell you the last time I cried this much. Probably because I'm pretty sure that it's NEVER happened. I've completely given up on wearing makeup, because it either just ends up running down my face or getting rubbed off. In truth, I'm a mess.

A total f*cking mess.
Nothing helps.
And everything is still not ok. And I still don't care for it one f*cking bit.

But, I'm trying. Because as I've said before, and I will be forever convinced of, she would kick my ass if I didn't.