I'm trying.... but mostly struggling.

Y'all, it's been a ridiculous year and I don't foresee it getting any better. In all honesty, 2019 can go f*ck itself. And I truly mean that from the deepest part of my soul.

The hardest thing that has happened, and has ever happened is losing Momma. I know it's hard on everyone, and I get that. I truthfully do. But.... I don't know, there's something different about this. I'm not saying that my grief is larger than anyone else's, but I have just never been on this level. Never, in my entire life.

I've done a lot of hard things. I've had to make tough decisions and no matter the situation or outcome I've managed to pull through it, for better or worse. But.... I always had Momma right there to back me. Never one time did I ever falter and not know she was there. She always has been. Now though, I don't know what to do.

I was going to have a "Celebration of Life" for her on 6/22 and I thought that may help, but I was more dreading it than looking forward to it. I know it's something that people think needs to be done for her, and for our family, and maybe even for me, but it's overwhelming and like most things these days, just makes me want to cry. In all honesty, I made the decision to cancel it. Momma didn't want anything like that in the first place and I think she would want me to do what I feel.

And I know that this looks like I'm doing nothing but complaining, and I get that. Hell, it even sounds that way to me, but I don't know how else to say it. I don't sleep, my meal eating is all over the place, smiling is getting harder to fake, and everything gets to me. All of it. It doesn't even have to be bad and it somehow still gets to me.

Getting out of bed is getting harder, brushing my hair and teeth seems like a never ending chore, cleaning my house annoys me, concentrating at work is becoming more difficult, and doing yard work makes me want to collapse. There is literally not one single "task" that I can "complete" without being overwhelmed and exhausted. Even my f*cking body is against me and has all these random issues and painful spots. What's causing the pain? I have no clue, your guess is as good as mine.

So yeah, I'm trying. I've been trying. But, I'm mostly struggling.... and I think on some level, possibly even failing.