So, here I am. In all of my "can't figure out what's wrong with me, therefore there is no fix for it" self.
I went to the doctor yesterday for my follow-up and they had me retake that numbers test, that I still don't fully understand, but apparently it gives them some much needed answers? According to said test, I am still on the "severe depression and anxiety" spectrum. Which isn't a spectrum I knew existed until this year, but it's amazing the things that can change and happen in such a short span. For better or worse.
I've been taking my medicine as prescribed, but honestly feel no different and am still not sleeping. And when I do sleep, I either wake up a million times or I have dreams that wake me up immediately in a panic attack.
Fun times.
So, we talked and she decided (we decided) that my antidepressant should be increased and she gave me something for sleep. I haven't taken any of it yet, because I dropped it off yesterday evening and picked it up on my lunch break today, but I'll probably start it tonight. Here's to hoping that it helps.
Honestly, I'm a mess. A total f*cking mess. I still feel the same. I'm still tired, have no energy, a sporadic appetite, and I cry more than I would ever like to. Sometimes, I can't stop myself and it's at very inconvenient times. D tries to help all he can, but I still can't seem to tell him what I need, because even I still don't know.
I thought things would be different by now, but the only thing that seems to be different is the fact that I can fake being "ok" better on certain days. And yeah, it's incredibly f*cking hard and I hate it. But, everyone keeps telling me it's a process and that I will eventually get to a place where I actually am "ok". Maybe not good, but ok.
For all of these reasons, I'm here. At this moment in my life and just trying to get through and take it one day at a time.
Trying.... and failing.... but picking myself back up and dragging through to try again.
No comments:
Post a Comment