Today is my beautiful Momma's 55th birthday. ❤️

And per our tradition, even though she's in heaven, I felt the need to share my love for her and with her.

Losing my Momma this past January is by far the hardest thing that I've ever had to deal with in my life. The fact that I even say deal with seems wrong, because I'm not dealing with it.... not well at least. People tell me it gets easier as time goes on, but I feel like that's just one of those things that people who care about you say to try and make you feel better.

Because it's not easier. And it doesn't feel like it's getting any easier. It's just hard and sad and defeating.

Usually for Momma's birthday, her and I go out to eat, maybe do a little shopping, I make her a cake or some other dessert that she wants to try, and then we watch scary movies. It's the tradition that we've always had together for both of our birthdays, for as long as I can remember.

But now, I'm not sure what to do. I lived twenty-eight years doing the exact same thing on the exact same day(s) with the exact same person. My friend, my Momma, my love. And now that she's not here, it feels wrong to carry on those traditions without her, but it also feels wrong to not carry them on in memory of her.

To say it's been an emotional year would be an understatement and to say that I'm ok or know what to do with myself would be an outright lie. Because I don't know, and I don't know if I ever will.

At the very least though, I feel like I should continue to let the world know how wonderful of a person she is. How much I loved her and how much she loved me. Even though I'm not sure those words exist to make people fully comprehend.

However, no matter what, to me, this is her day. Always has been, always will be. And if she's out there looking over me or reading this, I just want her to know these very simple and truthful things:

Momma, I love you. So damn much. And I miss you every single day. There's not a moment that goes by that I don't think of you. There's not one thing in my life that happens that you're not immediately the first person I want to tell. I wish you were here. If someone told me that I could have you back, but I had to start completely over with absolutely nothing and do it all over again, I wouldn't hesitate. To me, that would be the greatest deal that I could ever make. I'm not sure what to do without you, and I'm failing miserably at trying. But, I am trying. Because through all of my faults and shortcomings, my Momma didn't raise a quitter. I hope you're proud and that you're happy and at peace where you are. I want you to not hurt anymore and to feel nothing but love, happiness, and hope. Just know that I love you and that no matter what, you have me. Just as I know, I always have you. Forever livin' on prayer and wherever you lead I will follow. I love you.... I could never say it enough and I still can't. Just please know that. Love forever and always, the Momma's girl that is me, -Pussycat.

"I am closest to my mother, as she is my rock, my pillar of strength, and my world. Not only has she stood by me through all times - happy, sad, and otherwise - but there have even been moments when I had completely lost hope, and her immense belief in me had lifted me up." -Amruta Khanvilkar