One year.

On this day, one year ago, I lost the greatest person that I have ever known. That morning was the last time I hugged her and told her I love her. My best friend, my confidant, my go-to, my horror movie buddy, my lifeline, my heart.... my Momma.

It seems unreal to me that she's not here with me anymore. Even though it's been a year, I still find myself everyday wanting to talk to her, send her a message, tell her something funny, or basically just share our everyday lives together. I catch myself still talking to her in our house and am devastated all over again when I realize that I am just talking to myself.

There are no words to describe what I feel.

Sadness: because she's not here and even now I don't really know what to do with myself. Whenever I had a problem she was the first person I went too. Anytime I had a story to tell she was the first one to hear it. But now, I find myself still wanting to share every aspect of my life with her and she's not here.

Anger: mostly, because she's not here. But also, because I still haven't been able to deal with this. She raised me to be a strong person, it was entwined in our DNA, and I swear I used to be incredibly strong. I used to be able to take the hits and keep on pushing through. And with all other things, I am still like that. With this though, I break. I'm broken.

Guilt: while I know she would want me to move on with my life and live it to the fullest and be happy, I feel guilty moving on without her. I feel like if I'm happy for even two minutes that it's somehow betraying her and the life we had planned out. I often wonder if she knew how much I loved her and how lost I am without her.

But all of these do not even begin to encompass how I feel. Hell, even I don't know how I feel most of the time. Mostly, I just try to take it day by day and hope for the best.

Here I stand, trying. I've been trying. I'm mostly struggling.... and I think on some level, possibly even failing. But trying, just like my Momma taught me.

"No daughter and mother should ever live apart, no matter what the distance between them." -Christie Watson