On July 26, 2023 I had to do one of the very hardest things that I've ever done in my entire life.
I had to say goodbye to my Tayder pup.
I can't even begin to explain what I'm feeling right now. I feel empty but also like I need to throw up everything that's not even in my body. I feel numb but my chest aches with a burning persistence. I can't stop bursting into random tears and I feel weak.
Mentally, physically, emotionally, psychologically.
Some people might call it drained, but I don't feel drained, I feel completely and utterly weak.
Tayder was my true North. No matter what horrible thing happened in my life or what ridiculous circumstance tried to break me, Tayder was always steadfast in his love and loyalty. I never had to question if he loved me and I never had to worry about someone coming along and him taking to them more. I always knew where we stood, because we always stood together.
He's been there since I was fifteen years old. We were both babies but he put all his love, trust and complete blind faith into me. And I know to most people they would think, "oh, you've had a dog since you were a teen, that's cool." But, he wasn't a dog. And I didn't just get a dog when I was a teen.
I received the greatest blessing I had ever received and I truly feel he is my baby. Maybe I didn't birth him, but we've been together for so long and I love him so deeply, that it honestly feels like I lost my child. And I don't care if that sounds dumb to other people or if they never understand, because even I can't explain it.
Him not being here with me just feels completely and utterly wrong.
And I knew our time together wasn't going to be forever. I was extremely lucky, my Tayder got to live until he was over twenty-two years old and lord knows everyone other than me counted him out long ago. But, no matter how much I knew and how much I would try to prepare myself, there was just no way.
Even I couldn't have foreseen how this was going to feel. I knew it was going to hurt, there was no way it couldn't, but I never in my whole life would have been able to know it would hurt this bad.
Nothing other than losing momma has ever hurt this bad in my entire life. Nothing.
When I was eleven years old, I was with my brother and some of our friends playing in the woods. One thing lead to another and I ended up entangled in some barb-wire. Shit cut me up and was embedded so far into my thighs that a friend had to hold me up while two others had to pull the wire out. He carried me home and I was laid up for weeks in pain, constantly trying to get my legs to stop bleeding everywhere.
And still, that didn't hurt this bad. If it would bring my Tayder back, I would wrap myself in barb-wire from head to toe, light myself on fire and go cliff diving.
Unfortunately, no matter how much I want or wish, that's one thing I can't have back. It's so surreal for me to know I will never hold or cuddle Tayder again because even though I know it's completely real, it still doesn't feel like it is.
I still look for him every single time I walk into our house. I still watch for him every time I come around a corner or step down off our bed. I still listen for the little click-clack of his toes for when he wandered to the ends of the house and back.
Empty. Numb. Void. I wouldn't know what the word that I'm feeling is. I'm lost but know exactly where I am. I'm devastated and somehow have an endless supply of tears. Quite literally the only thing I want to make me feel better is... well... Tayder.
And I know I'll be ok... I think.
And I know what happened couldn't have been prevented... I think.
And I know I did the right thing... I think.
Somehow, someway, I can't help but to feel I have betrayed him. I don't think he would see it that way and I don't think anybody else does... hell, I wouldn't think that about anybody else in the exact same situation.
But... it wasn't someone else. It was me and Tate. And to say the decision I had to make will haunt me for a long time... perhaps forever... would be an understatement. Because I know it will, it already does. And I would do it again for him in a heartbeat, but that doesn't make it any easier.
Maybe this is the price I have to pay for having him as long as I did and for loving him as much as I do.
He gave me so many wonderful and blessed and special and amazing years and I never felt I could ever repay him for everything he gave to me. And maybe that's why it hurts so bad. Maybe this is the price at the end of the road. You know, when all is said and done and the final say is said.
But, you know what? If this is the price that has to be paid, then I guess I'll pay the toll. Because I wouldn't trade all the years and memories and moments that I have with my Tayder for anything.
I'll cry and I'll grieve and I'll keep going because I know the little shit was training me for it. Always making me stronger and more caring and filling me so full of love.
I love you, Tayder.
I've loved you since the first minute I looked up into that crate and you gave me a kiss on the nose. I was a sucker for you then and I love you more than I ever thought I could love another living being. You're my rock, my heart, and forever ingrained into my soul. I'll always have a piece of you with me and I know you're never too far when I need you. Thank you for being there for me at my worst times and pulling me through the deep end. I honestly don't know where I would be or what kind of person I would be without you.
You taught me patience, understanding and the true meaning of unconditional love. You're my baby and will forever be my little trooper.
I love you. So very much. And I'm gonna miss you so damn much more than I already do. But, I got this. You've done all you could do and now it's up to me to keep going through. I'll figure it out because if you've taught me anything over all the years we've been together, it's that I'm stronger than what even I think.
And I feel that because of you, Tayder. I love you.
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