A few pieces of aimless nonsense for the day (involving my husband).

With Fall approaching, and me doing my happy dance because of it, we've been decorating and spending more time out on our back porch. Say what you will, but my vampire ass isn't a fan of the heat, sun, or bright lighting in general, so the fact that my husband convinces me to wander out of the cave on occasion is really impressive.

While I was working yesterday, D decided to cut our grass, put out some Fall decorations, make beef jerky and pumpkin seeds, and prep dinner. The man was truly on it and he makes me look like a little bitch on my days off. Seriously, when I have a day off and I'm home by myself, I usually clean the house, do laundry, and make supper, but other than that, my bitch ass tends to not do much else. 

No regrets, motherf*ckers.

I've been really thinking about getting a gym membership. Now, hear me out. I know that I go back and forth quite a bit on things like this, but I think that it may be a good way to get a little healthier and maybe look a bit better. Don't get me wrong, I don't think I look terrible or anything, and my husband assures me that I'm beautiful, but I just feel like if I maybe did something like this, that I would feel much better and in turn, look like I feel better. Does that make sense? Either way, the jury is still out on that one and I'm thinking it through.

Apparently, scary movies are only a weekend thing at our house? Like, I tried to get D to watch one last night and his exact words were, "seriously?! another one!!?! I thought that was only a weekend thing!" Obviously, I have not helped my husband's phobia quite as much as I thought I had and progress is at a minimum. Update to come.

Speaking of my husband, (seriously? when am I not?), I took this picture of him holding our first pumpkin for this year on my lunchbreak yesterday. Isn't he sssoooo adorable? Yeah, and when I got home from work he was completely bald. Like, shaved his whole head and starting from square one again. So much for my Viking braid ideas. He asked if I didn't like him with a shaved head and I informed him that of course I did, I'm just used to seeing him with hair so he's gonna have to give me a minute to adjust to the change. And then I threatened to cut all my hair off and he begged me not to. Ugh, men.

What else? Oh! Another reason for me wanting to get into better shape? A tattoo. I know, I know, that's a dumb reason to do it, but whatever it takes, right? Anyway, I found this shoulder/back tattoo that I really, really want, but I think it would look funny on me if I'm built like I am now (ie: a baby linebacker). Now, I am all for body positivity and loving your true self, but I believe that applies for when you are truly comfortable in your body. I'm not. In all fairness, I never have been, but I'm trying. Who knows. Maybe one of these days I'll just be covered in ink. Why not? As long as I'm happy (and I still get my husbands motor revving), I don't see a reason not to.

How is it only Tuesday? And why am I rambling? Oh yeah, I just wanted to show everyone a picture of D holding our pumpkin.

Happy 57th Birthday to my forever angel in this life and the next.

Today would have been my beautiful Momma's 57th birthday. I never thought I'd see the day where I would be celebrating anything without her, let alone her special day. Sure, I knew that eventually something would happen and I'd probably lose her before I was ready (because I don't think anyone can ever prepare themselves for something like that), but I had no clue just how little time we had together. Twenty-eight years just wasn't long enough.

But, like every other day in my life, I try to move forward and push through, because I know that's really what she would have wanted. She would want me to be happy and remember all of the good things, not the bad. And sure, I still have those days where I doubt everything and can't seem to get out of my own head. I think about how things could have been different and wonder what life would look like right now if she were still here.

Unfortunately, no matter how much I truly wish it could happen, I know that I can't bring her back to me. And trust me, during the early days of it all, I tried to reason and bargain and essentially do any and every thing that I possibly could to make the pain go away. I always thought the "stages of grief" were something that people had made up to help themselves feel better, but I found them to be very true. Like she always said though, there are some things that you just can't change, no matter how much you want to.

Therefore, I try to live my life everyday to just be happy. Or, find happiness in every day. Sometimes it's an all encompassing thing and other days it's something small that I can't help but to smile at. And I know I have her to thank for that. I have a lot to thank her for, but could never come close to the amount of love and comfort that she always brought to my life. 

So today, and all of my other days, are for her. I go on about my life and try to live it the way that makes me the happiest, for her. Because my Momma was many things, and one of those things was a devoted mother that wanted nothing, but the best for her children. I truly believe that some people were born to be parents and others should probably calm down and not go down that path. But, there is no person on the planet that was more born to be a mother than mine. 

Maybe I'm biased. Maybe not. (I definitely am). But, to me, there is no mother out there that will ever compare or come close to mine. Even today, she is my rock and part of my soul. Whether she's walking next to me physically or I'm just carrying her in my heart. The fact of the matter is, she's always with me and I wouldn't be the person I am today without her.

Whether that's a good thing or not, I wouldn't know. But, I try to be a good person and someone that she could be proud of. And that's all I ever wanted was to make her proud. And she always told me how much she was, and that's good enough for me. Always has been, always will be. 

I miss her more than she will ever know, but while the pain is still in my heart, I'm trying. I love you. Damn, do I love and miss you. You're as much my angel today as you were yesterday and all of the days leading up to that. You're a bee charmer, that's what you are.... a regular ole bee charmer.

I love you, Momma. Happy Birthday.

My husband informed me that he forgot the majority of our wedding.

With our one year anniversary coming up (also, how have we actually been married almost a full year now and you haven't smothered me in my sleep?), D and I have been talking about what to do to celebrate. Originally, we wanted to rent a cabin in the woods, maybe on a lake, somewhere and spend an extended weekend there. You know, since we didn't really have a honeymoon or anything.

But, with finances being what they are and another bout of Covid making the rounds, I don't think we're actually going to be going anywhere. And I feel bad for disappointing D, but I think we can still have a good time and do things together and celebrate our anniversary without spending a shit ton of money or potentially staying in a house that is rampant with the new plague. As long as we're together, right?

All of that being said aside though, I am very excited to spend our anniversary together and celebrate however we end up doing it. I don't care what we do, as long as I'm with D and our pups and we get to spend time together and have fun. That's all I really care about. I don't need some fancy vacation or big romantic gesture (although, if D wants to get a little romantical, I wouldn't stop him **wink wink**), I just want to be with my husband and enjoy the fact that we're together, married, happy, and living our lives with one another.

Which coincidentally is everything I've ever wanted out of a marriage. I always said if I did ever get married, that I wanted my husband to be my best friend and my constant source of comfort. And, I was lucky enough to get that. So no, I don't need anything fancy or expensive to make me enthused and grateful to be together. He's enough. Always has been, always will be.

We have been talking about our wedding recently though, you know with the whole one year thing. We had such a good day and it was everything we wanted. Nothing huge or fancy, just simple like us. Surrounded by family and friends (even though not everyone got to come, we appreciate the effort!) and just being us.

D informed me that he forgot parts of our wedding though. When I asked him how (I mean, it's not even a full year yet!), he let me know that he remembers everything leading up to us getting married (it was an entire shit show and yes, I was an hour and a half late to my own damn wedding), and everything after we got married. He remembers my vows and he remembers crying. He said other than that, nothing. Why? Because apparently when he first got to see me in my dress as we were walking towards the aisle, he said everything just f*cking stopped and all he could see was me.

He informed me that he had never seen anyone more beautiful and he couldn't believe he actually got to marry me, so he just held my hands and prayed I said "I do."

Now how in the hell am I supposed to respond to that? If that isn't one of the sweetest, most amazing things that you can say to your wife (trust me, he said it way more romantic and endearing than I did), then I don't know what is. I'm almost 100% positive the man just wants to make my heart and panties implode at every possible opportunity. No worries, I'm good with it.  

But yeah, that's where we are with it. Our one year anniversary is coming up and hopefully it will be a good one that we'll remember for a long time. Also, can I just get a fist bump for landing a husband that's totally out of my league? I feel like we haven't addressed this and I think I deserve a pat on the back or a high-five.... something. Because damn, I did good.

I want to stay in my cave and hide from the world.

Have you just ever been so very tired of existing? Ok, that sounded a little dramatic. Let me try again. Have you ever been tired of other peoples existence? Nope, still sounds bad. Umm.... ok, I'm just going to go ahead and say it and if it sounds bad, well then, it's just gonna have to sound bad.

Ok, remember like a year and a half ago when everybody was essentially on lockdown and the only reason that we went outside was to go to the grocery store or a medical appointment (or in my case, bikini waxing appointments, because, you know what, never mind, it's a whole thing), something like that? Yeah well, I want to go back to that.

I don't want people sick or hurt, I just want us all to stay in our houses and binge watch shit like Tiger King and Love is Blind. Remember that? Those were good times. I mean, I still worked, but I could do it from my couch in my pajamas while catching a little buzz (don't judge me, it was hard times!) and all was well with the world.

When work was slow or stalled enough for breaks, I could cuddle up with my pups and watch ridiculous shows and we lived off of snack foods and nicotine. Ok, the nicotine was all mine, but you get what I'm trying to say. And what I'm trying to say is, I want to be able to stay in my house with my pups and still be an adult, but an adult with no pants that thrives in her little f*cking cave with her husband and ignores the majority of the rest of the world.

Where is my cave? Well, it's our house. It's all dark and chilly and I can wear sweatpants and hoodies and bake cookies, watch tv, listen to music, do laundry and house chores, hang out with my furbabies, and basically anything I want. It has subtle lighting and a big tv, so if the Governor or somebody wants to let everybody know that it's ok for me to work from home, so I very rarely ever have to leave my cave, I would greatly appreciate it.

So, did that sound ok? To sum it up, I want people happy and healthy, but I don't want to be around them. My body and mind are literally just willing me to be a hermit and I can't just ignore the call of the ocean. Or in this case, the call of my cave.

A random post about life before marriage that has no substance.

When I used to talk to people about significant others, they would always ask me why I never wanted to get married. It was the usual "you should get married and have babies" spiel that I heard from the time I was thirteen until I actually got married (people start talking about marriage and babies young in the holler).

I would always answer them, but my answer never seemed to placate them. Sure, answering "I like to do what I want, when I want, with who I want without anybody giving me shit for it" probably wasn't the best way to get people to see my side, but it was so honest that I couldn't help myself.

And no, I didn't get married just so people would leave me alone about it (although, I do have to admit that is a nice little bonus).

While all of that is the truth, the real reason that I got married was simple. I love my husband. I have since we were fifteen years old and the thought of him being married to someone other than myself literally makes my blood boil and I want to fling bitches by their hair like I'm throwing a three year old's temper tantrum. But, I digress, because y'all don't need to know how crazy I am.

When we were both still single though (a couple of months before D drove 1,000 miles), one of my aunts asked me what it would take for me to get married. My answer was simple:

"I want my husband to adore me. Like, so much he can't even stand it. I just want him to love the shit out of me. Also, mow the grass and take out the trash so I don't have to. Tell me I'm pretty, make me laugh, binge watch tv with me, give me some lovin, and for the love of all that's holy, do all the maintenance on my car even though that it is 100% not your responsibility or problem, because we both know I'm not gonna do it."

She thought that was a funny list of "demands" (her word, not mine), but I was completely serious. I mean, the whole point of marriage is to be a team and have each others back, right? So damn, I'll do my part, but I ain't asking for much!

Luckily, as fate would have it, I got all of the things that I ever wanted and much more. You ever heard the term made for each other? Yeah, well.... here we are. And I wouldn't have it any other way.