While I initially thought things were smooth(ish) with my brother... I couldn't have been more wrong.
We talked through everything and Dev and I thought we were good to go... time to make changes and figure things out and move forward. I say this, because while my brother stayed at our house all last week, he acted like everything was fine. Mostly stayed in his room... but came and went as he pleased, joked around about things we were watching on the tv... he showed us a couple of houses he was looking into renting... things were a bit awkward (from the intensity of last weekend), but it felt like we were all on the right track.
Him and his BM were supposed to be at the house around one on Saturday to start packing his things. Dev and I were tootling around the house, business as usual and an hour before he was supposed to be there... I got a call from one of our aunts. Informing me that me, her, and my brother needed to have a sit down talk about some things because he "talked to a lawyer" about steps to stay in my house and he wanted to discuss it. I wasn't mad at my aunt... but I was livid at my f*cking brother.
Why? Because not only has he shown more effort in the last week to STAY in MY house than he has in the last DECADE to move back in with HER... he also felt the need to pull our aunt in to try and "mommy" the situation because it didn't go his way last time. I should've seen it coming... I really should've... it's what he always did when we were growing up. He didn't get his way with me, so he would go to mom and the three of us would have a "talk" which basically broke down to give Katie a bunch of shit until she breaks and gives in.
I was trying to be as respectful to my aunt as possible (because again, not upset with her), but also get off the phone with her asap because I was feeling real disrespectful to my brother and didn't want her to catch any of that by accident (I word vomit when I'm angry... anxious... excited).
Because when I tell you I couldn't control my emotions and lost my ever-loving shit on my brother, it is not a joke. I called him damn near immediately when I got off the phone with my aunt and when his BM answered instead if him, I got real loud real quick.
We ended up screaming and yelling and arguing over the phone and then in person when he showed up. I'm not proud to say it... nor am I proud of myself for the way I acted... but I threw a straight up, 100% tantrum. There is simply no other way to describe it. While I had validity in the argument and made rational points and did well... it was also about 50% of a tantrum that was otherworldly.
And I was this level of angry because I was just so baffled and overwhelmed. I have done everything I could possibly think of and then some for my brother. For my entire life... not just when we were kids... my entire life. I have watched out for him, been there, and provided. Got him out of shit he shouldn't have been in and into shit he should've. Always made sure he had a place to go, food to eat, and had every basic essential I could. While he was off galivanting and shacking up with who knows how many girls, I was at the house taking care of our mother and providing the home he could always run back to. There has never been one time in my life to where my brother needed something and I wasn't there.
So for him to essentially tell me I've never done anything and I'm the worst sister on the planet for telling him to move... fine. I know better and he's being petty. Whatevs. But then, for him to basically lie and manipulate other people and the situation so he can essentially invoke his squatters rights in my home while he's living there, instead of just being an adult and figuring his life out... yes, I lost my shit.
He tried to backtrack and lie his way out... he tried to guilt and shame me into changing my mind... and then he listed all the reasons I'm the worst. Like bro, you're living here and having your shit sent here strictly based off my kindness and loving nature as a favor.
And quite frankly, I hate saying shit like that. I really do. I don't like doing something for someone, whether they ask or I offer, and then turning around and throwing that shit back up in their face. It's ridiculous and mean and nasty and I f*cking hate it. I don't help people or do for people so I can get something back. All I want in return is a little decency and respect. But no, I was forced to bring myself down to a level of petty that made me completely sick at my stomach. And if I didn't have reason enough, this right here would be it.
I'll say it loud and clear so everyone can hear and no mistakes are made... I do NOT want to be the person I was raised to be... I WANT to be the person I am and feel is my true self. And I can't do that when someone is constantly taking me back through levels of my life I have no desire to repeat. I just can't do it. I don't like it, it's not me, and the fact he took it there feels highly disrespectful to me.
Finally, we talked it through and came to some form of conclusion... I think. Basically, my mind hasn't changed, he's looking for a place to move into, and we're trying to move forward from this clusterf*ck that's been this process.
I don't know if things are good now. I really don't. I hope they are. I would really like to continue moving on with our lives and hopefully have a loving and peaceful relationship moving forward. That's what I want and we can have that, but only time will tell. I can't make someone be someone they're not and I can't change myself for anyone else because I'm tired of not being me.
So, here we are... wish me luck.
No comments:
Post a Comment