Y'all ever have one of those days where you think to yourself, "if I could guarantee the outcome, I'd be all in?" Yeah, that's me... only... not so much a day as an existential crisis. But whatever... I'm trying.
Dev and me live in Indy because of my job. Full stop... no other reason. Honestly, if it wasn't for my job, my ass would've bounced when I lost momma. Why? Because the city is not for me and I am woefully unhappy here. And yeah, I know there's nonsense and meanness no matter where you go... but I feel better about it in the country. I know how to handle it in the country. This city life? Pass. Too much, too many, too close, too soon, just TOO EXCESSIVE.
Don't get me wrong, I love my job. Sure, it's not the most glamorous position in the world, but it's mine and I've worked really hard to get where I am. There's only so far to climb in my company, but I feel like I have value as an employee and honestly, that's enough for me. I've never wanted fancy or to be "a boss bitch" so where I'm at is a good little spot for me. I know my job and not to toot my own horn, but I'm fairly efficient and know my shit... mostly. So yeah, I love my job and everything that it's given me. I never thought I would make the money I do in the position I'm in with the level of background and education I have.
However... if I could do my exact job remotely? From somewhere that doesn't require me to be in this city and try to build our lives here? From literally our peaceful little spot that we dream of? Yeah... I would love it even more. And the thing is... my job can be done remotely. We've tried it... succeeded in the short term... I can only imagine the level I could accomplish if I built a hub in our home and set everything from my office up. I truly believe I could not only do it, but do it just as well as what I do from here. BUT... I don't know if that would even be an option. It's never been done before in our company... and I don't know if it would be something they would be open to even discussing. I mean, sure it's never been done... but then again, my position didn't even exist until we built it into what we needed.
So yeah, that worries me because the stability I have at my job is unmatched by everything else I've encountered in my life. And while I would love to be the freespirit I feel on the inside, the fact remains that I've been working to support a family since I was fourteen years old and that part of my brain just won't shut off. You know, the... we'll have to start over, budgeting columns, what-ifs... all of it. It won't stop and it won't shut down and honestly it's running on a loop in my head driving me crazy.
However... if me and Dev keep talking and it comes down to it, I'll have a choice to make. I would try to establish the remote position first... try everything I could... but if that wasn't an option, I would have to choose. And the choice would be... stay in Indy for my career and chance that everything will be there for us until we get to retirement... or take the gamble and move my husband back to his family.
While it would be a hard decision to restart... it's also getting harder to justify my career over our happiness. Because lord knows my hubby is as unhappy here as I am. If he had his way, we would've been back in the sunshine state a few years ago.
And it's not like we haven't tried to build something meaningful and beautiful here. We've lived our lives and tried our best to be good to people. And while I would love to say we could show you the fruit of our labor, the fact of the matter is, no one gives a shit around here. My family essentially went on a tour telling people that Dev was gonna move me back to Florida and take me away as soon as we got married... he didn't... but they did stop inviting us to stuff, reaching out via the telephone, and continue with, "Katie changed."
Yeah... Katie changed... Katie lost her mom and had her entire world flipped on it's head and it's been nonstop ever since. Forgive me if I needed a breather from cookouts and holidays for a little bit. I wasn't trying to be excommunicated... I was trying to survive.
Ever since my brother moved out... I rarely hear from him. He made a big spiel about "not wanting to lose our relationship" when he moved out and I told him we were adults and perfectly capable of having a normal sibling relationship where he lived with his family and I lived with mine. I was apparently wrong about that... but not wrong about the fact my brother is resentful and petty about it. In the past month, I've reached out on four separate occasions just trying to catch up and maybe set up a time to hang out... he's rejected them all and contacted me once to tell me about our nephew having an accident and needing stitches. In fact, we haven't seen our nephew since my brother moved out. He works four minutes from our house and lives twenty minutes from us... but does he stop by? Nope. And while I would love to just swing by his house to say hi once in awhile, his living arrangement is different and not open for popups. Is he trying to punish me by not letting me see my nephew because I put my foot down and made him move out? I don't know... but either way... it feels real lonely on that front too.
And I get it... the rest of my family has their own families to worry about. I understand and I'm happy that they're happy... but clearly... I don't fit into the narrative. My aunts and uncles and cousins have their own children and grandchildren and my brother still has his father and his own child. Dev and me don't want kids... so I guess... we're just done?
Maybe I feel wrong about it, but it is how I feel. I'm not resentful or angry or sad about it, it's more of a clarity of the situation. And the truth is, I did in fact move to Indy for momma. I never would've chosen to come here on my own. I might not have stayed where I was, but I'm definitely not the same as my momma on that front. She was a city girl through and through... me?
Not so much.
Dev? Dev still has family that not only needs him but wants him... and me too. They want to include us in their everyday lives and holidays and they have our backs regardless. While I can say I have one or two people that have my back like that (ok... one and it's Dani) he has a list. And it's beautiful to see. I know he misses his family. Hell, I miss his family. Every time we go down there it feels right and my chest decompresses in a way it simply doesn't in the city.
His family up here? One-sided, not unlike mine. Everything was all fun and games when we were putting in all the effort, fronting money, driving the miles, and essentially doing it all. The minute we stopped putting forth 100% of the effort? That friendship fizzled and died out faster than a firecracker. Sure, he still texts his cousin, but the relationship we had with him and his family? Evaporated. All because we said enough was enough.
Hilariously enough, kind of like the situation with my brother.
The friendships we've tried to build have been no damn different.
I would love nothing more than to sell our house, move to that little ten acres in northern FL, build a hub to work remote, and start living our dream lives right this second.
But again... stability. And the unknown.
It's hard to "go with the flow" or "take a chance" when literally all responsibility has been on your shoulders for as long as you can remember. And I know I don't have to live that life anymore... but old habits die hard and all that. I've had to start over so many times out of pure survival that I don't know how to kickstart something new without breaking mentally. It's frustrating and quite frankly, I hate that part of myself. I would love to make a decision strictly just because it's what I want and let the chips fall where they may and know everything will work out in the end. Except... I'm not built like that. I want to be... but conditioning has a stronghold that's hard as f*ck to fight.
You know, I always had this joke once I got the job I have now that I'm here until I'm either "fired or retired." But, I don't think I ever really thought it through for what it was. They've recently increased the retirement age from 65 to 67. Let's be real, Social Security won't exist by the time it's my turn and the fact they want people to quite literally work their asses off until they're essentially in the nursing home is f*cking laughable. Early retirement is at least 55... probably soon to increase... and even then there are so many penalties and fees. There's literally no such thing as working to an end goal anymore. People just want to take and take and we're forced to keep giving if we want to keep up. It's f*cking exhausting.
I say that to say... that means I have AT LEAST another twenty to thirty(ish because a few more than that) years to go before I can even think about retiring. Which means, if we wait until retirement to build the life and dream we want, we may very well be too old or dead to enjoy it by then. Not to be morbid... but the world is crazy these days and our luck is horseshit.
I want to continue my job until it's time to lay it down... but I don't honestly believe I have another twenty to thirty or more years left where we are. Even if I did, why would we want to build somewhere we're miserable and wait to be surrounded by all we want until then?
You know, that whole fairy godmother with the sprinkles thing I've been trying to manifest for the last couple of months would come in real handy right about now. It would be nice to be able to make a decision in life strictly based on happiness and want not finances and turmoil.
It's out there. It's on our minds and in our conversations and I would be lying if I said I wasn't going crazy thinking everything through a million times. I keep waiting for something to give or change or I don't know what, but I know sooner or later I'm gonna have to choose. Not like "CHOOSE" but choose, because something's gotta give and we can't keep being miserable.
He made a comment the other day when we were talking... and while I know he didn't mean it in a bad way... I felt the honesty in it and it hit me in the chest. He was trying to tell me how he feels and said he wanted to spend time with his parents while he still could. And... I get that. My parents are gone. My one sibling could care less. I haven't seen my nephew in over a year. Lost my grandparents years ago. Dev still has three parents, two grandparents, three siblings (four if you count his friend that may as well be my third BIL), and a slew of nieces and nephews. All of whom would give anything for their boy to come back to his roots.
While I grew up in Tennessee... I have no desire to go back there. I want to be surrounded by familiar but new. Comfort but depth.
Our fifth wedding anniversary is next month. Five years of building and trying and doing and loving. I wouldn't trade it for anything, but I do often think about the next anniversary... and the next... because I want us to be as happy together as possible, but is it possible to be your happiest self when you're miserable with your surroundings? I don't know. I would like to believe I'm enough, but that's not really fair to my husband. Sure, I may be enough... but should I be? When he has the option of so much more? He could be surrounded by people and places that are good for his soul.
And I could learn to be whomever I've always wanted to be. No pressure or restrictions or expectations. Just me with my husband and babies on a little farm, tending to bees, growing plants. I could learn all the things I've always wanted to and try and fail and succeed and grow and be at peace.
What I want: build a homestead, bake bread, grow plants, tend to bees, play with my pups, have early mornings on the porch with my husband, spend time with family, go to events, cook holiday meals, run through the woods with Dev on my heels... peace. Stability. Happiness. Tranquility. To be able to exist and just be still. Just be me.
What I need: a miracle.
I don't know where the future will take us. I don't know where I'll be this time next year. I don't know if I'll be sitting right here in thirty years or if I'll get hit by a meteor by my next birthday.
What I do know is one day soon I'm gonna have some decisions to make and whether good, bad or ugly, the questions will come knockin' whether I'm ready for them or not. Why? Because mental health is no joke and mine is patchy at best. And honestly? Seeing my husband so depressed is too much. It's devastating and makes me want to cry on the regular. He says he's good, but he forgets that I know him and I see it. I don't know how he doesn't resent me (he assures me he doesn't), because I would resent me. I mean, he's literally only here because of me and I'm literally only here because of my career.
Dun dun dun.
I know we'll probably give it until the beginning of the year and reevaluate. So between now and then, if the universe could help me out and sprinkle some of that goodness down, that would be greatly appreciated.
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