In these trying times, sometimes you just need to hug your pups.

Trying to plan a wedding is exhausting.

Who knew planning a wedding was so difficult? You know, aside from the millions of people that have already done it or in the process. Our wedding is going to be small, so I can't even imagine how people who have big lavish weddings do it. Including my cousin, Dani.

I'm going out to Aunt Susi's on Saturday morning and she's going to help me make a checklist and figure some stuff out.... and I get to try on my dress. **shh!!** Hopefully, this will make things a little easier and I can get my big butt into the dress I chose. **fingers crossed**

I think I've gotten quite a bit settled on and then I think, there's a million other things that need to be decided on and get. How does one with anxiety find her way through this clusterf*ck?! Asking for a friend.

The things I have accomplished are: the dress (hopefully), the invitations (so... date/time/actual invite) even though I haven't mailed them out yet, Maid of Honor, Best Man, who's walking me down the aisle, Officiant, guest list, flower girl/boy. I know I want my pups in it (handled by the MOH, BM, & my brother) and I know what I want people to be seated on (hay bales).

Aunt Poot is currently looking into borrowing some tables and a big tent in case it rains.

The things I still have to accomplish are: making sure the dress fits, send out the invitations, the cake, the food (I think we're going to make the food, but I'm told I should definitely order a cake), the music (I think I might have a lead on that, but I'm not 100% sure so it's still on the list), telling my MOH what color of dress to get, decorations, colors, D's suit, what BM and my brother are going to wear, and chairs.

I'm sure there are many other things that I'm forgetting, but that's why Aunt Susi is going to help me with that list. She's planned or helped plan quite a few weddings, so she knows what's up.

Aside from that, the only "tradition" that D and I have decided to adhere to is the one of him not seeing my dress or me in it until the actual wedding day. We decided there were too many superstitions (which is hilarious considering I'm a very superstitious person) and we know who we are and what we want, so there will be none of that "no seeing before the wedding" and "certain time of day" nonsense. He's just not allowed to see the dress/ me in it until I walk down that aisle.

Also, I asked D who all he wanted me to invite on his side and he told me that to make it easier on myself to just invite everybody on Facebook and be done with it.

What. The. F*ck?!!?! 😂

I'm very confused and want to go back to my couch with my pups.

Today is the first day back to work in a "normal(ish)" setting. I've been coming into the office a couple days a week and then working from home all other days. This morning began the first full week back and to say I'm upset about having to wear adult pants would be an understatement.

I also find myself wanting to do all of the things that I should have been doing while my bitch ass was in quarantine. I want to declutter my house and clean everything by hand from top to bottom. I'm talking wiping down walls and getting into the corners of my floors. Pulling every piece of furniture and appliance out and really getting in there.

#ICleanedWithBleachBeforeItWasCool

My laundry is piled up and needs to be handled. My kitchen has glasses in the sink that need to be washed. The refrigerator needs to be cleaned out. The entire house needs to be decluttered and organized. Frankly, D wants to build a platform in the living room for the bed (yes, we have a bed in our living room and no I will not change it) and slide the couch under it and I'm about to let him so that I can have more room in the living room.

I want to do all of this and so far all I've accomplished was our bathroom and half of the back bedroom. Frankly, living with two boys and three pups makes keeping things clean a nightmare. Who knew they could all be so messy and very much on the train of "that's your problem!" My brother especially complains about the house and yard being messy and then does absolutely nothing to help clean or make life easier. Hooray, for entitled big brothers that leave f*cking toothpaste in the sink and try to make you feel bad 24/7!

Basically what I'm saying is, my house is always a disaster zone and while I'm sure it doesn't help my anxiety, I also don't have the will to do anything about it the majority of the time. I find myself always incredibly tired, but unable to sleep. I feel judgment even when it might not be there (even though it's definitely always there from my brother). And, my mind is always running about one hundred fifty miles per minute.

Side note: how lazy would it be for me to hire someone to do all of my yard work for me? Also, would I even care how lazy it was as long as it was all done and I wasn't the one that had to do it?

One of these days I will get everything accomplished that I want and need to, but I'm going to just have to do it on my own time and try my best to ignore all of the negativity and judgment. I used to be incredibly versed in tuning people out, and honestly, I think I'm going to have to just pick that habit back up. If for nothing else, my own peace of mind and sanity.

You know, before someone ends up becoming my costar on an episode of Snapped.

Other than that, things seem to be going ok. You know, other than the insomnia, anxiety, panic attacks, and impending nervous breakdown. My pups are forever my saving grace and D tends to be on my side and doesn't judge me for the days I can't seem to pull my chunky little ass off of the couch. Or at the very least, he doesn't voice or show his judgment.

I'm just trying to get back into the swing of things, coming out of a quarantined life (has time always moved this slow?), and babbling about any and everything that comes to my mind. Which to be honest, is a plethora of wtf?!

In other news, it's been raining for over 24 hours and I had to wade through water to get into my car this morning, because our road is completely flooded. And with all this rain, I would much rather be at home cleaning and curled up with my pups watching tv. Which is nothing new, considering that's what I always want to do. And I now refuse to feel bad for that.

Mother's Day without your mom is a tough pill to swallow.

Today is Mother's Day, and the second one without Momma being here with me.

I would be lying if I said I didn't have a rough day and I've been a little extra emotional and sad the last few days. Mostly, I feel overwhelmed and exhausted and have spent the majority of my time on the couch watching tv, eating fruit roll ups, surrounded by my pups. It may not be the healthiest coping mechanism, but we all do what we gotta do.

While people tell you that time heals all wounds, I believe that this one will forever be open and bleeding for me. It may become easier to live with over time (though, it feels highly doubtful), but I don't think this sadness or emptiness will ever truly be gone.

But, here I stand. Trying against all odds, doing what I do best. Being my Momma's daughter.

We rearranged our living room and it somehow made my life easier?!

The other day we decided to rearrange our living room. A weird thing about me is.... our bed is in our living room. It's a whole thing with me not being able to sleep in the back bedroom and being used to sleeping on the couch. I'm not really going to get into it, and yes I know it's strange, but like I said, it's a whole thing.

Anyways, we put the big bed in the back bedroom (the bedroom that remains the bane of my existence and my forever spot that needs cleaned up and arranged) and brought our full size back out into the living room. We moved the couch and honestly, it opened up our living room so much. Now it's easier to clean and it just looks so much better.

I didn't think it would make that much of a difference, but it has. And with me still working from home (D went back into work this week), it's nice to be able to keep the house clean and get my work done without having so much stress. I even enjoy cooking dinner and not wanting to pull my hair out 24/7.

Although, that might also have something to do with the fact that I've been regularly taking my meds like I'm supposed to. Also, spending all this time with my pups is great. Either way, I'm going with it for however long it lasts this time around.

I have to have all of my babies on one arm. ❤️

Well, most of my babies. Excluding D, because I've heard that putting your significant others name on you is bad luck. And frankly, I don't need anymore bad luck. Is it still bad luck if you get something to represent your significant other? I mean, I did get a paw print for each of my babies instead of their names, so maybe that would work?

Either way, this whole D having a tattoo machine and supplies thing is really working for me. Not to mention, this whole working from home thing, I can multitask. I go into the office for a little bit in the morning, but other than that, Dani and I are still in semi-quarantine and working from the house.

Needless to say, I enjoy working on my laptop from my couch. If I could make this a permanent or semi-permanent thing, I totally would. But for now, we're just doing the best we can and in my case, multitasking. 

Aka, doing productive work while watching Hulu from my couch with no pants or makeup on and getting tattooed. Trust me, you don't want to see me at this point in my life. 

We've learned quite a bit about ourselves while in this quarantine together.

The most troubling thing to me is that I don't own a pencil. Not a single one. Not a mechanical pencil, colored pencil, old school No. 2. NOTHING. I'm lousy with pens, but no pencils to be found in this house of ours. People literally have pencils on The Walking Dead and we can't find one around here.

Also, we've watched so much of The Walking Dead that we've started to compare everything in our lives to it, so please just roll with me on this one.

By the way, the most troubling thing about this quarantine should be that I let my hubby tattoo me just because I have hated the tattoo on my foot for 8+ years (the guy never did do it like I asked), because he got a new tattoo gun and I had just the right amount of Fireball to think it was a great idea.

To be fair, he did a great job. And I love it more than I ever have. And here we are. #QuarantineLife

We're still in quarantine and making the best of it.

We've been in quarantine since the day after we got home from Florida.... well, technically I have been and D has been since Saturday. I think. In all honesty, the days are starting to run together and I'm not really sure what's happening day after day.

But, I'm not complaining about it. In fact, if this is what's going to help stop the vicious spread of COVID-19, then I am all for it. Not to mention, Dani brought me my laptop and some documents/billing/timecards/etc. so that I can continue to work from home, so we are still get things accomplished.

That, and doing a whole lot of Netflixing and napping. Which is strange, because I NEVER nap, and maybe that's why my days are all off and I'm confused? I don't know. I've even been keeping up with my house cleaning. So, you know, there's that. 

Quarantine life be like whaaattttt?!!!!

With everyone and thing on lockdown and quarantine due to COVID-19, I have been working from home. And with the exception of the occasional trip to the grocery store, I have been staying inside the majority of the time.

This whole quarantine thing doesn't really bother me, because as I've said many times over the years and as most people that know me are aware, I have no problem being inside. I'm a homebody through and through and can be inside my house for days on end without it bothering me.

(What does bother me is the fact that so many people are sick and I hope they make a speedy and healthy recovery asap!)

I would be lying if I said this change hasn't affected our household and made us all a little bit crazy though. Especially our pups! But you know what? We got this.

D's company hasn't fully shut down (mine hasn't either, Dani and I are just working from home in quarantine), so the pups and I pass our time by me working and watching Netflix (have y'all seen Love is Blind and Tiger King yet? Because holy shit). Well, that and eating everything in sight. But, we're good. Also, D and I are catching up on The Walking Dead.

To everyone on lockdown out there, just know that we are thinking about you and hope that you and your loved ones are safe and provided for. (Also, who would've thought something like this would have caused mass hysteria and people would start hoarding all of the toilet paper?)

PS: I'm living my entire life in pajamas. #NoF*cksGiven

Ricardo is finally home safe and sound where he belongs.❤️

Our first vacation together.

This month (3/17-3/24), D and I took our very first vacation together. Technically, I did go on vacation with his family when we were teenagers (to Crystal River and it still remains one of my very favorite trips to date), but as far as just the two of us together, it was the first.

Given the current situation in the US and around the world right now (COVID-19) it may have seemed like a strange trip to make, but honestly, we had this trip planned for around six months, so we just followed through with it.

We decided to go visit his family, because with the exception of his parents, he hadn't had the opportunity to see any of his other family members in over a year. With this came an eighteen hour drive (each way) and a whole lot of fun.

I hadn't been back to FL since Momma and I moved 12+ years ago, so while it was surreal, it was great to see everyone that we love (with the exception of a few that we didn't get a chance to hang out with).

While the traveling part was exhausting, it was so more than worth it. We got to stay with his mom and stepdad (two people that  I absolutely love) and saw the majority of everyone that D was really looking forward to seeing. I even got to see my Uncle Wayne for awhile!

We got to meet our newest nephew, Colton, and see his baby sister all adorable and six months pregnant. We all laughed, played games, drank, hung out, and basically just had a fun time together. Not to mention, I got to meet some people that are really close to D that I hadn't had the chance to.

We headed home before the states got locked down (literally the day before), and we can't wait to see everyone again.... hopefully soon!! It was strange driving on the damn near empty highways, and D broke his toe, but all in all, I'd call it a pretty successful trip. (We even made like eight pounds of jerky for my little prego sister-in-law before we left our house!)

Sunburned cheeks and sleep deprivation. 😳