Wednesday, October 16, 2013

I'm a horrible person (and I'm mostly ok with that).

...And I'm Ok With That. I've admitted it and now I can go on peacefully, not trying to hide it. If you happen to be wondering what I mean by this, let me explain. No, I don't go around picking on people, or kicking puppies, or taking kids lollipops, actually I think I may be a good, if not good than at least decent, person when it comes to most things. Most things that is...Except the scariest thing on this entire planet. Snakes? Spiders? Sharks? Deep Sea Hatchetfish? Scorpions? Those Creepy Creatures that are a mixture of Spiders-Scorpions-and Hornets that Nightmares are made out of? No, No, No, No,No, and No. I'm talking about something far more Terrifying than any of those things. I'm talking about....BABIES!


Now, I know what you're thinking- "Katie, What's wrong with you? Babies are beautiful and adorable and loveable. You should be ashamed!" And yes, I honestly should be ashamed...but I'm not! I'm not because to be perfectly honest Babies scare the living daylights out of me! They really do. Like I tend to hyperventilate and cry if left alone with one for too long. Can you imagine how my first babysitting job when I was 12 went when I babysat my teacher's three boys (ages 4, 2, & 6 months)? It was a very stressful time. She actually wanted me to babysit. It was shocking. She asked me if I would babysit them, because I was one of her favorite student's, she trusted me, and she wanted to do some Christmas Shopping. I figured- "No problem, get in good with the teach, make a little extra Christmas cash, it can't be that bad, it's only for a couple of hours".

Holy shit! Those were the longest eighteen hours of my entire existence! Yes! You heard me right! Eighteen hours!! I was tricked!! She asked if I would come over real early so her and her mother-in-law could head out and miss all of the traffic. We lived at the corner of "BFE" and "You Got A Perty Mouth" so if you wanted to go somewhere that wasn't our local grocery store, you had to drive a country mile. It was about three hours before you got to a mall. I didn't think nothing about it. I got there about 3:45 a.m. like she requested, and she assured me that the boys would sleep until somewhere between 9-10 (except the baby of course).

I was ok with this, because after they woke up I would make them breakfast and we would hang out and watch cartoons for a couple hours, then Teach would be home. I was WRONG! She no sooner stepped out of he house and took off, before the demons rose up. I mean that as literal and blunt as possible!! From Four a.m. until Ten p.m. I was in Purgatory. I knew this because I had read Dante's Inferno and imagined it being something like that. Those kids did everything that they shouldn't have, including but not limited to taking every single peppermint candycane off of the Christmas Tree, licking them, and then sticking them in the babies hair. Did I mention the baby had white/blonde hair? No? Well, he did. If you're wondering where I was when this was all "going down" I was peeing.

Hey! I held out for nine hours, then my bladder got the best of me. It took me forever to wash the peppermint color out. I still don't know if I got it all. Did I mention that the baby also had Colic, Diaper Rash, and Upper Respiratory Infection? No? Funny, because none of that was mentioned to me until after the fact either. I contemplated crying. I've never felt so helpless. I took care of people for a living (I worked at the nursing home for five years as a cna, and was good at it and enjoyed caring for people), but babies/children are much different than adults. Even helpless/sick adults. Trust me. Around hour thirteen, I'm not really sure how, but the oldest got locked in the bathroom. I may have accidentally locked the door on my out, I'm not sure...and any further questions you have can be referred to my lawyer...

I was out of there as quickly as possible when Teach got home. I never babysat those kids again. I did watch the baby by himself at a school pep rally once after that. I'm still half convinced that was a ploy between my mother and teacher to scare me into not having underage sex. PS...If that was their masterful plan, they succeeded.

I bring all of this up because I've been thinking about it lately. No, I don't have "Baby Fever", calm down, I started thinking about it because I got a message on FB Monday telling me that my (ex)best friend had her baby. It's her second one, but together her and her boyfriend have four (ages 5, 4, 2, and Newborn). The three oldest are boys and the newest a baby girl. Let's just say a visit to their house is...Educational? Scary? Something, I'm not sure what. Anyways...Since we're not exactly close anymore don't ask I was surprised to get a message about it. We have had been friends since third grade, and she always said that she wanted to name one of her daughters after me when she had them.

Apparently she remembered that, but forgot the fact that we haven't talked in over 6 months. The little girls name is Katelyn. Pretty dang close. She was 10 lbs, 5 ounces, 21.5 inches long. Here's the horrible part, when I seen the baby picture the only thing I could think was- "OMG! That baby is huge! That came out of where?! Noo!!" Then I seen a picture of Mom and baby together and the only thing I could think was- "Girl, you'll never be the same again. You look like hell". I know that childbirth is a rough thing to go through (by the things I've been told, not by personal experience), but I couldn't help my mind. I even said it out loud. I really should work on my not having a filter. I don't even pretend to know what pregnant women/mother's go through, because I honestly have no clue, but seeing those pictures, knowing the facts, and hearing that she was in labor from early morning until night...even though we don't see eye to eye anymore...I had pity for her.

Pity for the time consuming pain that is. I know that childbirth is supposed to be a magical, beautiful, natural thing, but in me it just insets fear. Like, FEAR. Everytime I think about it I revert back to fifth grade when that scary guy came in to give us "the talk" and teach us "sex education". The only thing I took from that is now the mental image of trying to push a watermelon through a lemon. Yeah, he was that graphic. It didn't help either, most of the people I grew up with have kids and started when we were Freshmen. Thanks for nothing dude.

Yes, I've talked to people about this, and I don't hate kids by any means. I really don't, I mean I'm no Winifred Sanderson, but I am scared of babies/small children. I'm scared of the thought of pushing one of them out, and that I'll hurt them. They're so tiny! That and some babies/kids look like they're peering into your soul and evil. Hey, I've seen Children of the Corn and The Omen! Besides...Babies Have A Self-Destruct Button On Their Heads! If That's Not Scary...What Is??!