Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Please stop talking, I can't take it.

(Names were changed to protect the innocent. And by innocent I mean if for some unexplainable reason someone I know ever stumbles upon my blog and reads it, then I can't be sued or held responsible for my words or actions. Except my family that I can just run away from. I mean, what are they gonna get if they sue me? A half of a Powerade and some leg warmers? Because that's about it. This all went down yesterday. There was so much laughing that I almost fell out of my chair. It was hilarious. Maybe you just had to be there.)
Susi: Why are Billy, Nick, Charles and Sven at The Naked Monkey? Dani: How do you know that they're at The Naked Monkey? Susi: Because Nick just checked in on Facebook and tagged the rest of them. Me: Am I the only one that's extremely uncomfortable with y'all using their names and naked in the same sentence? (Ignoring me) Dani: Eww, what do you think they're getting waxed there? Me: I bet it's not their heads. Dani: I bet it's their butts. What do you wanna bet? Susi: I bet it's their backs. Dani: Yeah, Charles is a pretty hairy guy. Me: Do either one of y'all really wanna ask them about their butts? Or waxing for that matter? (Ignoring me, again) Susi: It's cause of those books Billy's been reading by that woman. Me: Aren't those books specifically written for women? Susi: Probably, but he's real excited about this girl. He got his teeth cleaned and everything. Me: His teeth cleaned? Susi: Yeah. Dani: Specifically for that purpose? Susi: Yep. Me: Ummm....why? Susi: Cause he wanted to be fancy. Dani: Fancy?! Susi: Yeah. Me: You do realize what you just said, right?

****Five minutes later****

Me: Dani, have you ever been to one of those waxing places like The Naked Monkey? Dani: I used to get my hair done in a place that did waxing, but I never got one. Me: That just sounds so incredibly painful....and kind of embarrassing. Dani: Oh, those girls are not at all embarrassed to talk about it. They walk in and are all- "I'm here for my Brazilian." And then the people behind the desk start asking them all these questions like- "Do you want inside the crack done" and "Do you want a shape or a little left". And they are not quiet about it either. Me: You leaned in closer to hear the answer didn't you? Dani: Of course I did, I'm not crazy. What would you have done? Me: Of course I would've leaned in to hear, I'm not crazy. Susi: Why would you wanna hear all of that? (Me and Dani just looked at each other and then laughed.)

****A few more minutes later****

Susi: I wonder if there's an update on their whereabouts. Dani: You could always check it out to see. Me: Do y'all really wanna know if they are in fact getting their bits waxed? Dani: Their bits waxed? Me: Yeah, their bits. Do you have a better word for it when it comes to them? Dani: Nope, bits works. Susi: Why would they have their biz waxed? Dani: Biz waxed? Susi: Yeah, biz waxed. You know like "mind your own biz wax". Dani: That's beeswax. Mind your own beeswax, not biz wax. Why would someone mind their own biz wax? What does that even mean? Susi: What does mind your own beeswax mean? That doesn't make since either. Dani: True. But do you really think they're getting waxed? Like you know, their stuff. Susi: I don't know. Me: I know this time it's my fault, but I gotta say- "I am terribly uncomfortable with the way this conversation has turned".

****After work (in the car)****

Momma: How was work today? Me: Terribly uncomfortable. Momma: Really? Why? Me: (Tells entire story about The Naked Monkey and the guys involved.) See what I mean? Momma: I get it now. James: (In a British accent) What's wrong with her? Momma: Here, I'll put it on speakerphone and she can tell you. Me: (Tells the whole story again, while describing the guys involved.) James: Well, that sounds horrible. (Rambles on and on, blahblahblah). (Momma and James start having a conversation about me.) Me: Hey! Sitting right here. Mind you're business. James, have you found me Jude Law yet? James: No, I haven't. Me: Well, you need to get on it buddy. Momma: You have Jude Law on the mind lately. Me: i'd have jude law on more than just my mind if james would get on it. momma: katherine diane! me: I'm just playing. I can make jokes too, you know....I'm not kidding James find him. Immediately. It's raining. James: What does Jude Law have to do with rain? They are completely unrelated. Me: Because if I'm going to be made to endure this rainy/dreary weather, I should at least be able to be cuddled up on the couch watching movies. Drinking. With Jude Law. In England. James: **incoherent laughing** Momma: I freaking' love you. Me: I love you. And James. But mostly Jude Law. Seriously James, get on it.