This is why

[Let me be frank. Plus, I love the name Frank. Sorry.] I haven't dated in a really long time. The last relationship that I was in really did a number on me, for the plain fact that it made me look at things and re-evaluate the decisions that I had been making in that department. After I broke up with him and moved, I decided that I wouldn't date for awhile. I thought to myself- I'll just take some "me" time, there is no since in rushing into anything. I'm not ready for it, nor do I want it. I want to figure out what I want out of a relationship, or if I even want one at all. To me, those are important decisions that one should ask their self.

That was nearly two years ago. I still ask myself those questions and I'm no closer to finding the answer. It has nothing to do with the idiot that I was with, because Lord knows I don't think about him unless someone brings him up, but rather the fact that I want to make the right decisions in my future relationships. I don't want to date someone just so I can be one of those girls that has a boyfriend. I don't want to give up things that I love and do things that I don't want to do. Maybe that sounds spoiled and I'm being completely irrational, but that's how I feel.

I'm not saying that's what all relationships are like. I'm not that jaded. But there are a lot of people that change and completely lose their own identities when they're with someone else. I don't want to be one of those people. I might not have everything figured out. Actually, far from it, but I do know what I do and do not want.

Be prepared. I'm about to sound like a completely horrible person. Sorry, but I'm not sorry. 

I don't want to live with someone. I think that people should have to live together before marriage to see if they're compatible. Just my opinion. Well, I've done the whole living together thing on two separate occasions. You know what I learned? I learned that I don't like living with my significant other. Nope. I don't like the idea of waking up with them every single morning, and seeing them every single day, and going to bed looking at them every night. Sorry, I just can't do it. It's not in me. If I really like that person and love spending time with them, then that is great! However, I like my own personal time, alone, to do what I like to do. I like going where I please, when I please, and not having to "check in" with someone when I do.

I don't want to get married. Let's talk marriage, shall we? I don't like the idea of it. For me. I think for certain people marriage is a lovely, healthy, wonderful thing. Sometimes the universe can't have made two people more perfect to be married to each other. But me? I have no desire to be married. I never have. You know how they talk about little girls planning their weddings with barbies and coloring books? I was not one of those little girls. I was the other little girl that was running after her big brother and his friends, because they would all piggy back me. I didn't want to marry them, I just wanted them to carry my chunky little butt around. Like I said you should live together before marriage, and I don't like the thought of either.

I don't want kids. I know, I know. The entire universe just came together for one collective gasp of horror. But I'm just speaking the truth here. I'm not a kid kind of person. I came to terms with this fact a long time ago. I'm not one of those women that's "motherly instinct" kicks in at any given moment. In fact when a kid is hurt and they need help, I don't leave them laying there bleeding or anything, but my first thought is- "How would we fix this in the nursing home?" I try to be good with them, I really do, but I'm just not. I can barely keep my own shit together and remember to wear pants. Add to that? No, thanks. I want to be able to go home to relax in my pjs and watch TV.  

I've done the dating thing and the relationship thing. I don't seem to be very good at either. I've tried and put a lot of effort in. But every time I think about getting super serious with someone I panic. Literally, panic. One time I was talking to a friend of mine at work about it and puked and had a full blown panic attack. Why? Because the prospect of it was so daunting and overwhelming. She said it's because I've never really been in love.

All I know is I know what I want. Finding that? Completely different story. I want someone that's sweet, kind, caring, compassionate, honest and really into me. Is that so much to ask? I don't go for looks. Looks fade and then you're stuck with an asshole the rest of your life. Looks are over-rated in my opinion. I don't care nothing for them when it comes to dating. I mean, I'm not exactly what you would call attractive, so why should I think someone else should look like Jude Law? I don't. Maybe I'm weird, I don't know, but I could care less what someone looks like. However, finding those other traits in a guy is impossible too. I basically just want someone who wants to hang out, watch TV and have sex with only me. Among other things. Is that so much to ask for? Apparently, it is.  

Why am I telling y'all all of this? I should really stop, but I can't.

Now, if you get passed all of that stuff I'm an even bigger mess. Remember when I said that I'm a horrible dater? I was not exaggerating. I really, truly am. I get super nervous and about fifty million questions run through my head. Questions like: What if he's a serial killer? Hey, you laugh, but it's a real thing. Ever watched Criminal Minds? Read about BTK? Googled the Craigslist killer? I don't care how well you think you know a person, looks can be extremely deceiving. What do I wear? Everyone knows that I'm not exactly the most fashion forward girl for my age. Maybe it's from where I haven't dated that much, but I have no clue what to wear on one. Is jeans to casual? Is a dress too much? Flats? Heels? Well, I can't wear heels anyways, but still. Like I said, I'm not what you would call "attractive" anyways, so what the hell do you wear? Can I order the fajitas instead of a salad? I like salad. Salad is delicious and nutritious, and I could eat it all the time. But say we're out and the restaurant had shrimp fajitas. I love shrimp fajitas. So, can I order them without being overly-judged, or is the proper thing to do mean ordering the salad? What's the ladylike thing for this particular impasse?  

Do I pay for the date? I know that traditionally the guy pays for the date. I've read enough books and watched enough movies to know all of that. However, all the guys (which isn't that many) that I've dated (except one) had me pay. So, have I just dated a bunch of losers? Or are the girls supposed to pay for everything now? I mean, I don't want to seem horrible, and I don't mind paying my way, but I was always told growing up by everyone that that's the guy's thing. I also don't want him to feel weird, so what do I do? If we "hit it off" and I'm into him, how soon is "too soon" so I don't look like a skank? Like I said, ladylike. However, it's been a really, really long time. TMI? I know what I look like naked, it's not very appealing. Can I ask to keep the lights out? I see me naked everyday. A couple times a day actually, and I don't see anything impressive and/or appealing, so what's the guidelines on this? What? Can I ask to keep the lights out? Turn the lights out? Or wing it? Do I let them see everything? I'm not ok with that. I get nervous just thinking about it. No, thank you. How much do I tell him? I can't believe I'm about to admit this, but I mean, why stop now, right? Like I said, I've dated. But I'm not exactly that "experienced" if you catch my drift. I'm sure you do by now. I mean, I've been told that everything I do is great, but I don't really know. I was a late bloomer and get embarrassed when it comes to my own situations, so what? Do I tell them that or do I just wing it and let them think what they will? Further more, should I read up on this stuff? Or something?

If I could just find a real nice guy that I could hang out with and be real good friends with, that would be great. I don't think that's gonna happen either though. So?