Monday, July 27, 2015

I think you are incorrect about that, Sir.

As most people know, we're looking for a new place to live. While our apartment is alright for the most part, we've had some problems there the last few months (people stealing, throwing their trash everywhere and management being tools) and with Greg deciding to live with us on a more regular basis, we just need a different place.

The hunt has been on for about a month and a half; last Friday we had an appointment to look at a 3BR/1BA in our price range. Aunt Poot and Solae rode with Momma and I, because we were all already hanging out and Greg and his gf came, because they have separation issues that make me want to throw up in my mouth. But I digress.

Uncle Darrell gave me this so I could "handle myself". He said it's appropriate for me, because it's called the "Tennessee Thumper". And yes, that's its real name. Too bad I didn't have it a day sooner.

First, the guy (Landlord-LL) called to push back our appointment by 45 minutes and none of us really thought anything about it, because with it being a Friday evening, people tend to run behind or be all over the place. Then we got there. And oh boy.

Before I tell you about this house let me explain something.

I don't care about cosmetics. Anyone that has seen my car will tell you this. As long as it serves its purpose, it's alright with me. I think that as long as a house is structurally sound, cosmetic work can be easily done as you go. So, this isn't me just "being a dick".

When you walk up to the house the first thing that you notice is that it needs painted. Cosmetic. And then you look to the left side of the house and realize that it has significant water damage. Not so cosmetic. We went into the house, that you have to jump up into, because the step is gone and the smell that hits you is something else. You can literally smell the dry rot. The carpet is gross and if you look to the right, you can notice that the living room window is leaking.

If you're brave enough to go further into the house you can venture into the kitchen that has a hole that runs across the baseboard and is about 7 inches wide, 1 foot long and 6 inches deep. There is no refrigerator or cabinets. The stove? I don't want to talk about the stove. I was trying to be nice, so I looked at the LL, giving him the benefit of the doubt and say- "It looks like you've been doing some work in here" to which he replies- "Yeah, I'm almost done" and before I could stop myself I asked- "Are you sure?"

The LL informed me that there was no A/C, we would have to use window A/C units and it was heated with baseboard heaters. Yay, what I always wanted, baseboard heaters in a house that has water backing into it, because that's not a fire hazard or anything. Then I went to check out the bathroom and it's not just a dirty tub I saw, but the remnants from where the plumbing is clearly backing up into the tub and shows no signs of stopping, unless dealt with. I walked out to check the washer/dryer hook-ups that are in their own little section and sank into the floor. The house sets on a slab. How the hell do you sink into a floor when the house sits on a slab?!!

The bedrooms are questionable and there's something living in the closet of the one that would be deemed "my room". That's great, I always wanted my childhood nightmares to become a reality for me. And there was something on the wall, I'm not sure what it was, but it reminded me of this movie I saw once. It had similar things on the wall and those were entities that ended up eating Ashley Green after it drove her crazy. No thank you.

When all was said and done I asked the LL basic Renter questions. If you could have seen Aunt Poot's face. Wait until you hear his answers.

Me: So, around what do the utilities run? LL: Oh. I don't know.

Me: I see that there are no cabinets in the kitchen, is this something that you're doing on your own? LL: You don't need cabinets.

Me: I know you usually have to provide your own washer/dryer, but will you be supplying a refrigerator, or do I need to buy that as well? LL: Well, you can buy a refrigerator, but when you move you have to leave it in the house.

Me: Are you going to fix the hole in the kitchen wall? LL: No, that will be up to you guys. Me: Oh. So it'll just be taken off of our rent? LL: No. That's just your responsibility.

LL: Also, I'm going to need you to give me $90 for a credit and background check. Me: What if I'm not interested in the house? LL: Well, I still showed it to you.

Me: This carpet? LL: It's brand new! Me: Really?! What in the hell did the old carpet look like?

Me: You know this house has extensive water damage, right? Like, I'm pretty sure if the board of health was called they would quarantine this house and condemn it. LL: And as long as you pay your rent on time, we'll never have to worry about you getting in trouble for that.

Needless to say, he got some strong, opinionated words from me, complete with repeats of- I DON'T THINK THAT MEANS WHAT YOU THINK IT MEANS, SIR!!!!! And we're still looking for a new house to move into. Wish us luck.