Saturday, March 12, 2016

For the guy I never knew was my boyfriend.

(I was awoken at 2 am).

And the first thing I did was roll over, look at my phone (the best that I could between the sleep that was looming and that whole needing glasses before I go blind thing) and said something like- "OHH HELL NOOO!!" Threw my phone back on the bedside table and went back to sleep. Because eff that.

I know that we all have those exes in our past that have randomly popped up out of the blue to try and figure out a way to worm back in there. Sometimes it's confusing, because you start having doubts about breaking up in the first place. Other times you get increasingly violent and want to throw things. I get it. I've been there, my friend.

(Sadly, this is not the first time this has happened to me. I once got broken up with by a guy that I didn't know was my boyfriend. And, there are like four other guys that claim we are exes that I wasn't aware we were ever together. But this is just for the one that woke me up this morning).

And then there are other times where the entire thing confuses you, because you're not really sure if they count as an ex or if one of you (them) is just making it a bigger thing than what it actually was. I mean, I can't be the only person out there that has had someone call me an ex and I wasn't entirely sure that we had dated in the first place. I decided that the best way to go about this would be to write him a letter. Here goes.

Hey Mr. Dude-

Seriously, calm yourself, we only hung out like three times. The fact that I have known you since I was four years old is irrelevant. And yes, I kind of wrecked your truck into that field one night, but in my defense we were already pretty close to it and I told you that I couldn't drive for shit. And ok, yes, I did go with you to your Granny's house that one time and have Sunday supper with your entire family, BUT you know what your Granny's potato cakes taste like- CAN YOU BLAME ME?! Those things are damn delicious. You think you could ship me some of those with her oatmeal cookies and some deer jerky? Sorry, no, no, that's my bad, I got side tracked at the possibility of food. Delicious food.

However, apparently you have considered us exes all of these years (what's it been, like eight years or something stupid like that?), and I would just like to throw out my defense as to why you do not want me as an ex and why whatever it was that we were doesn't really count. If you were my ex, you're going to want to know a thing or two about me.

You've been listening to too much Adele, my dear. I know that all of her lyrics are full of love and regret, but just so you can know for yourself:

-I do not wish the best for you.
-I do not want to find someone like you.
-I do, however, want to set fire to all of your stuff.

And now you know why it's just better that we stay "old friends." You know, the kind that you have memories with, and they slip up in a story or two from "back in the day" but not good enough friends that you actually stay in contact or see each other. I think that is definitely our sweet spot. Also, I will not be letting you know when I make it down that way for a visit so that we can "catch up" as you so lovingly put it. Afterall, we just agreed on that whole "not seeing or talking to each other" thing. And I'd really hate to ruin that.

Later, dude.