After losing Momma, I've come to realize now more than ever that my "plans" for lack of a better phrase.... aren't working like they're f*cking supposed to.
In fact, I'm not even really sure what in the hell to do with myself in general.
But, I know that Momma would want me to try and be as happy as I possibly can be. And while that's much easier said than done.... I'm trying. And she's probably metaphorically kicking my ass right now for not being better at it, but what can I say?!
I am, without a shadow of a doubt, my mother's daughter.
Insert Pook.
It's pretty commonly known (at least for the people that personally know us well) that we were high school sweethearts. We lived together for almost two years (long story for another day) and were apart for eleven. Then one day, we decided that we wanted to be together again (in no small part, because Momma told us to basically suck it up and admit to some shit). He made the decision be the one to relocate and since he made the trek up we've been learning to incorporate ourselves into each others lives again. Luckily, we were always good at being friends as well as being in a relationship.
He's much more traditional than I am. For as long as I've known him, he's always talked about marriage and kids and "tradition" and such. We never really talked about it when we were in high school (because why would we?), but I always knew his stance on it all.
Now that we're older, he's changed his mind on many things. Not all things, but many of them. He no longer wants to have kids, but his stance on marriage hasn't swayed all that much. In fact, if anything, he very much wants to be married. And he mentions it all the time. Seriously, there are very few days that he doesn't mention it at least once.
And I find myself.... not necessarily hating the idea.
I mean, I still don't want kids and will probably never change my stance on that, but marriage doesn't seem all that terrifying to me. You know.... eventually. I don't want to get married tomorrow or anything, but I can't say that one day I might want to. For me to say that, it's a BIG deal. Also, can people just be "engaged" for an endless amount of time? Because that ship I can totally sail on.
Furthermore, as I said earlier, my "life plan" hasn't exactly gone according to any plan that I've ever put into place (therefore, can I even really call it a plan at this point?), so I keep finding myself thinking about it. Making a pro/con list you might say.
My biggest "hold up"? The fact that Momma wouldn't be here for it. Even though I've never wanted to be married, I honestly thought if the day ever came that I changed my mind, Momma would be here with me. In fact, I thought Momma would be here for every big decision in my life. She always has been and even with everything that's happened to us in the past and up until January, it never occurred to me that one day I might have to make these big decisions by myself.
And I don't care for it.
Don't get me wrong, she never made my decisions for me. I've always been very independent when it came to my life, but she's always been here for moral support and advice. Not too mention, I always just felt safer knowing she had my back. But now, I'm on my own.
Except for Pook. He's now the one that is there for me and has my back. And I love him for that. He wants to make sure I'm safe and feel loved. And he accomplishes both of those things. I can take care of myself and he nevers questions it, he's just there if I need him.
And to tease me into marrying him.
I don't know if we ever will, but I have to say, if I ever did, I could never pick anybody better to make that leap with.
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