Continuously trying.... and maybe getting some help along the way.

I've been having a real struggle ever since losing Momma. And it seems that no matter how hard I try, I just can't seem to get over the hump. At least, that's what people are calling it, both to me and when they talk about me in general.

I'll be fine one minute and ridiculous the next. Actually, fine wouldn't be the word I would use. Fine would imply that at some point I'm ok and if I'm being completely honest, I never have any of those moments. My moments now consist of crying and being able to hold it in. That's where I am.

My sleeping schedule is a joke, I'm still getting random pains everywhere for no reason, I usually can't stop the tears, exhaustion is a revolving door that I can't seem to step out of, and I can't get out of my own head no matter how hard I try.

It's been like this since it's happened. And not to sound cynical or like I'm the only person that's ever been through a hard time (I am most definitely not), but it just feels like.... I don't even know what it feels like. I've never felt it, so I don't have anything to compare it to. If there even is anything to compare it to. If I had to choose a word, I would probably go with overwhelming.

But, I went to the doctor this past Wednesday. And I love my doctor. I trust her implicitly and she listens without judgment. She also knew Momma.

We talked for awhile and then she had me take some kind of test, and while I'm not really sure what the name of it is, the directions were simple. Don't think about your answers, just write down the first thing that comes into your mind. Apparently when you're graded on this you can get a 0-27, but the higher it goes the more of a problem there may be? I'm at a 25.

With that being said, she thinks I need to start taking a low mg antidepressant. I've never taken anything like that before and didn't really think about it until she mentioned it. But, as I said, I trust her and she's not the kind of doctor that just tries to throw medicine down your throat. She only prescribes medicine when she legitimately feels like you need it and that it will help. So, I agreed to try it out.

(She also took eight tubes of blood and did my pap, so the entire appointment took about 2.5 hours. And I was thoroughly exhausted by the time I got home and all of yesterday.... and still am today.)

I started taking Lexapro (well, the generic version of it that's too absurd to pronounce) on Wednesday evening (she wanted me to start asap) and I go back in August for a follow up to assess where I am with it. It's also supposed to help me with sleeping, but not yet. In all fairness though, I've only taken it twice and I'm assuming it needs more time to enter my body and try to do something about any of it.

So, that's where I am with it. Struggling and crying and feeling dizzy and completely unsure and exhausted. But, trying.