Today would have been my beautiful Momma's 57th birthday. I never thought I'd see the day where I would be celebrating anything without her, let alone her special day. Sure, I knew that eventually something would happen and I'd probably lose her before I was ready (because I don't think anyone can ever prepare themselves for something like that), but I had no clue just how little time we had together. Twenty-eight years just wasn't long enough.
But, like every other day in my life, I try to move forward and push through, because I know that's really what she would have wanted. She would want me to be happy and remember all of the good things, not the bad. And sure, I still have those days where I doubt everything and can't seem to get out of my own head. I think about how things could have been different and wonder what life would look like right now if she were still here.
Unfortunately, no matter how much I truly wish it could happen, I know that I can't bring her back to me. And trust me, during the early days of it all, I tried to reason and bargain and essentially do any and every thing that I possibly could to make the pain go away. I always thought the "stages of grief" were something that people had made up to help themselves feel better, but I found them to be very true. Like she always said though, there are some things that you just can't change, no matter how much you want to.
Therefore, I try to live my life everyday to just be happy. Or, find happiness in every day. Sometimes it's an all encompassing thing and other days it's something small that I can't help but to smile at. And I know I have her to thank for that. I have a lot to thank her for, but could never come close to the amount of love and comfort that she always brought to my life.
So today, and all of my other days, are for her. I go on about my life and try to live it the way that makes me the happiest, for her. Because my Momma was many things, and one of those things was a devoted mother that wanted nothing, but the best for her children. I truly believe that some people were born to be parents and others should probably calm down and not go down that path. But, there is no person on the planet that was more born to be a mother than mine.
Maybe I'm biased. Maybe not. (I definitely am). But, to me, there is no mother out there that will ever compare or come close to mine. Even today, she is my rock and part of my soul. Whether she's walking next to me physically or I'm just carrying her in my heart. The fact of the matter is, she's always with me and I wouldn't be the person I am today without her.
Whether that's a good thing or not, I wouldn't know. But, I try to be a good person and someone that she could be proud of. And that's all I ever wanted was to make her proud. And she always told me how much she was, and that's good enough for me. Always has been, always will be.
I miss her more than she will ever know, but while the pain is still in my heart, I'm trying. I love you. Damn, do I love and miss you. You're as much my angel today as you were yesterday and all of the days leading up to that. You're a bee charmer, that's what you are.... a regular ole bee charmer.
I love you, Momma. Happy Birthday.
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