Tuesday, May 10, 2016

You never realize how many people you truly loathe until you get a new number.

(I knew I didn't like people, but damn).

This past week Momma and I had to get a couple new phones. I say "new phones", but really it was the same kind of phones, just on my own plan. We had previously been on someone else's plan, but as that old saying goes- Plans. Change. And since "plans change" I got just snarky enough to go and get our own and be done with the whole cluster fuck ordeal. It's easier and let's be honest, the easier my life is the more I like it. It gives me more time to watch reruns of Mama's Family and It's Always Sunny that way.

And even though I wanted to do all of this, the thought of having to give out my new number and try to memorize two new ones was just a giant pain in the ass. That is, until I realized that I had been presented with a unique opportunity to "lose people" so to say. You never really realize how many people you have grown to dislike (or have always disliked and were just trying to be nice..... even though that's completely the opposite of every single one of your characteristics) until you have GET to decide who you want to have a new form of contacting you.

And I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Uhh, duh Katie, there's always social media where people can find you." Umm, just delete/block those bitches. Or quit social media (and stop thinking that you can't live without social media, you can, I've seen it done).

I've had the same number for over three years. Do you know how many bitches and douche canoes can acquire your number after three years? If you don't, let me go ahead and tell you- IT'S A LOT. I've had the same guy for the entire three years calling my phone and asking for Boo Boo in a hushed tone. And to this day I still don't know what in the hell dude wanted with Boo Boo, but he obviously didn't care enough to get his real phone number. I guess we'll just never know how the Boo Boo / Mysterious Phone Man saga ended. I don't know how I'll ever move on.

So, there I was going through my old phone and transferring numbers of people I liked so I could text them with the new number and what I figured would be a menial task of eliminating three or four numbers ended up being over half of my contact list. You ever have those people in your life that you think- "You're not even worth being on a contact list"? And then you think about deleting them out of your phone like as soon as you delete their number they no longer exist..... like, at all.


And I must say, it's a mighty fine dream to be living. I'm not trying to sound like too much of an asshole (because boy has that ship sailed..... a long effing time ago), but I didn't even keep some of the family numbers that I had. You know those people. The ones that you're technically related to so you feel some sort of obligation to them for some unknown reason, even though neither of you like each other. Well, I no longer feel that obligation nor do I have the means of backtracking. I deleted them from (my) existence. Not going to lie, it felt kind of powerful. And the only way that I could backtrack would be for me to track down someone who did have their number and we all know that I just don't have the follow through with that. Not even close.

And those "friends" that you feel obligation to, because you've known each other for so long or you've "been through some shit" together? Guess what? Those bitches are out of here to, because I got on a role and started to get a little power hungry and felt like I was about two steps from becoming a super villain, so I just quit while I was ahead.

Here's how real it got for a minute; I actually sent a FB message to a guy that is my friend, to ask him if we even still liked each other at this point in our lives. It went something like- Me: "Hey, do we even like each other? Like, on a scale of 1-10 how much would you rate the amount you want to murder me and hack me into little pieces on a daily basis?" Him: "Good morning to you to sweetheart. What did you say? Hacking?" Clearly he's an asshole that is equally as sarcastic as I am..... so he needed the number.

And I have like four friends that made the cut. Throw in a few family members and that's about the extent of all that. And honestly even that's probably too many, because the older I get the more I really can't stand people. People are just the worst. But you know what isn't the worst? Having a minimal contact list and not having to deal with those people.