Wednesday, June 28, 2017

Pick a Headline: "UFC Fighter Poops Her Pants in the Middle of a Match and Loses."

People are actually calling this "Poopgate." Before we talk about the whole UFC Fighter thing, can we just all agree that not everything that happens needs to be a "gate." Like, I'll give you Water"gate" and maybe I would have let Deflate"gate" slide (no, I wouldn't have, because that's stupid too), but come on y'all, shit is getting real.

Minimal pun intended.

Now back to this UFC Fighter (Justine Kish).... I don't think I was "baffled" by this for the same reasons as everyone else was. Like, have y'all ever seen those female MMA Fighters?! Those bitches are TERRIFYING and while the guys are a bit scary too, I would totally rather try to outrun a dude in the Octagon.


You know what, scratch that, I don't want to be in an Octagon at all. Why?! Because I know my strengths.... and I know when to stay the f*ck out of where I don't belong.

Of course having one of them get you down and start choking your ass out would make you shit.... don't even try to pretend that wouldn't be horrifying. You would be an uncontrollable mess and try to crawl into the fetal position quick, fast, and in a damn hurry.

Besides, I was watching the show Grace and Frankie (it's hilarious, go watch it right f*cking now) and when they're house got robbed, they took a self defense class and they said one of the most effective defenses is to pee on yourself.... made more effective if you can also defecate. Apparently not a whole lot of attackers can get past that whole thing.

Now, I'm not saying that you should just be going around doing it, but I mean, there's no guarantee that that's not the natural instinct your body would have after that kind of trauma.... because believe you me, if you step in the ring with one of those intimidating/awesome ladies, it will no doubt be traumatic. Don't believe me? Try it, see what happens.

SEE. WHAT. HAPPENS.

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