My friends and I are sarcastic and have a random sense of humor unlike most others.... some may call us weird, but then again, we'd probably call those people assholes, so we'll just let that one go. My good ole friend, B. Davis, tagged myself and our mutual friend, Feather, in a FB post detailing "dumb reasons that people have broken up with others."
While I probably should have been on the side of the people who got dumped for stupid reasons, I found myself identifying more with the dumpers.... and that's honestly not a sentence I ever thought I'd catch myself saying because ew.
Since this is both hilarious and confusing to me, I felt the need to share with everyone else.
She pronounced 'coleslaw' cold slaw. In her defense, this is a little annoying, but I don't feel like it's "that" insane. Alot of people mess little things like this up. Someone in my life died, and she said, 'I'm sorry for your lost.' That is both confusing and annoying, but it's the thought that counts? Maybe don't be a d*ck when someone is offering their condolences. One day I realized that she looked like Paul Dano and I couldn't unsee it. Paul Dano is a national treasure and you should've thanked your lucky stars he even looked your way.... or something like that. She poured her milk first, then the cereal in the bowl. Only serial killers (or, "cereal killers") do this.... RUN! Dated a guy who said "my bag" instead of "my bad." Who were you dating.... Austin Powers?! He pronounced the "l" in salmon. Ugh.... seriously?!
She ate a chicken drumstick with a fork.... and a t-bone steak with her hands. I prefer to tear my food apart like a true carnivore as well, but that's just damn confusing. Everytime he would get drunk, he would yell, "I'm Rick James, bitch!" That's annoying for you, but hilarious for me, so I'll allow it. He wore jean shorts. What kind of jean shorts are we talking about here? Because while it might be wrong, I'm ok with cargo shorts. She put the spoon into the sugar jar after stirring her coffee, leaving clumps of coffee sugar. She's an animal and deserved to be dumped.
He wore socks with sandals. I wear way dumber shit than that, so I don't give a damn. He said "creme rinse" instead of conditioner. Was he born in 1923?!!?! She refused to eat anything besides chicken nuggets and french fries.... no substitutions. While chicken nuggets and french fries are delicious, you can't trust somebody that doesn't enjoy tacos.... even demons love tacos. He didn't take his underwear off during sex.... EVER. I have way more follow up questions than explanations for this one. She said, "Burber King" and I just couldn't bear it. That doesn't even make sense.
She would write, "I half to go." Was she on Facebook? Because I see this shit alot on Facebook. She always smelled like peanut butter even though she never ate it. In her defense, there are all kinds of ways for ladies to smell like something that they don't eat. Like, when was the last time you heard of a gal eating something called "Pure Seduction"? The answer is, you haven't, but that doesn't stop Vickie Secret from selling it. He told me I was in his cat's chair. I can't say anything, because my dog is the ruler at my house and I will legit kick somebody out of bed in favor of him. She wouldn't eat scalloped potatoes, because "she didn't eat seafood." Seriously? Well, bless her heart. Her apartment was an 8th floor walkup. I'm on his side about this one. I drink too much to be attempting all of those stairs.
She didn't believe in the moon landing. I too think most things are a government conspiracy (you can thank Steve Hyde for that). She held her fork overhanded, as in the shovel technique.... you can't take someone like that anywhere. She deserves to be dumped.... twice. It was four days before my birthday and she said she was going to get me a gift. I knew I couldn't break up with her for at least 30 days after accepting her gift and I wasn't willing to make a 34-day commitment to the relationship. How are you mad at this man for knowing what he wants and admitting that he can't make that kind of commitment? She wore the same deodorant as my mother. Chill, Norman Bates.... at least she f*cking wore deodorant. She would constantly say the names of the stores we passed by while driving. "Jiffy Lube. Huh, a Spencer's. Gym-boooo-ree." (That's how she would say it.) You should have kicked her out of the moving car.
I looked at him, really looked at him from a distance, and realized that his head was just waaaay too big for his body. Like, how big are we talking? How big is too big to be a deal breaker? When she watched shows on the DVR, she wouldn't fast forward through commercials. I do that.... but only when I have to pee. And then I fast forward. Everytime I yawned she thought it was hilarious if she stuck her finger in my open mouth. You should have bit her. I would have bit her. Her mouth made a trapezoid when she talked. I don't even know how that's possible. How have I never heard of this before? She'd wait until she had the bartender's attention and then started to decide what she wanted to drink. She's Satan reincarnate.... RUN.
She walked too slow. We'd go out somewhere and walk down the street and I'd turn and she's 20 feet behind me. Maybe she was just stoned. Did you ever think of that? Rude. She ate her peas one at a time. One at a time! It doesn't matter how she eats her peas. The point is, she eats peas.... get rid of her! She was the loudest eater I've ever met. She constantly chewed with her mouth open and smacked her lips. God forbid if she really liked it, then there came a litany of "mmm" and "nom"s as well. It was like dating the f*cking cookie monster. You should have punched her in the face, because if we're all being honest, that's exactly what she deserves. She walked like Jar Jar Binks when in heels. Couldn't you have just asked her to wear flats? She walked like a T. Rex. So.... she had teeny arms? She had giant legs? She swung her head back and forth? I need a visual aid.
She put mustard on her fries by applying it to her hand first and then rubbing it all over the fries. Then she licked the mustard off her hand. Y'all, I never realized how passionate I am about what and how people apply condiments to their fries until my friends and I (and some of their friends I don't even know) had an entire debate about this one on FB.
Leave it to my B. Davis to find something to entertain us all on a Monday.
No comments:
Post a Comment