It's the time of year where people are with their families at home.

With the holidays approaching (excluding Halloween, because I'm spooky all year long), people are making plans and preparations to spend time with their families and be at home. There are 1,000,000+ songs about this time of year and that number is only increasing.

Personally, I find myself not giving a shit about the holidays. Like, at all. I don't care that Thanksgiving is in a couple of weeks, I roll my eyes with all the Christmas chatter, and the fact that New Years Eve will be soon irks me.

Usually, every year for the holidays, Momma and I go to my Aunt/Uncle's house (even though that has somehow switched to my cousin's house the last couple of years), as well as have our own traditions at ours. Every year for my entire life we have put our Christmas tree up on Thanksgiving evening and watch White Christmas. It's a small tradition, but it's ours.

But, without Momma here, I don't know where my traditions lie.

My mindset is very consistent. I don't want to put a Christmas tree up. I don't want to go anywhere. I don't want to do anything. And, I very much want to pretend that the holiday season is nonexistent. While D insists that Momma would want me to celebrate and try to be happy, and I know that he's right, I can't seem to wrap my head around the fact that she's not here with me.

And it sucks. After losing her, nothing feels right and nowhere feels like home. Don't get me wrong, I love my house and don't ever plan on leaving it, but I've always been of the belief that "home" is where the people you love the most are. And yes, I love D and my pups and my family beyond words, but she was always my home.

Now home feels foreign to me. Holidays feel unfamiliar. I don't know where to go from here.

I have decided to try though, because I know that's what she would want. I don't know how well that's going to go or what is going to happen, or where my traditions now lie, but I know that she would insist that I try something. I don't think I'm ready to be around a slew of family yet, so I believe I've decided to make Thanksgiving dinner for me and D at our house.

Instant Pot turkey, sweet tater casserole, and a couple other things seems like a good place to start. Mostly because, I don't know what else to do with myself.

So yeah, I'm trying. I've been trying. But, I'm mostly struggling.... and I think on some level, possibly even failing. But trying.