Christmas is almost here. 2019 is almost over. And here I shakingly stand.

Today is our Company Christmas Party and Dani and I have decided that we are going to try and embrace Christmas this year, because with Christmas comes the end of this ridiculous f*cking year that we would all like to forget.

It's been a rough one, to say the least. After losing Momma (and her losing her dad), not to mention the other people that we've lost this year, it's just been a real hard year for us all. Luckily, Dani is almost as cynical as me, so we tend to have the same dark sense of humor and can reflect on things in the same way.

We're having our party at the brewery down the street from the shop (the same place we had it last year) and I was in charge of setting up catering, so if it's f*cked up, it's on me. Which, whatevs, we'll deal with it and if it doesn't work, I'll just go buy a bunch of pizzas or something. But, after today there's the weekend and then I only work 1.5 days next week and I'm OFF FOR FIVE.

I have to pick up D's dad from the airport on Christmas Eve, and he'll be spending the week with us. My brother, the baby, and his girl will also be there on Christmas Eve and my brother will be at our house for a bit on Christmas day, so that should be nice. I'm somewhere between wanting to be completely alone and having a house full of people, so I think it will be nice.... probably. We're at least going to try and do it semi-right.

D and I have to go this weekend to pick up a couple more Christmas gifts (I did the majority of our/my Christmas shopping online this year, because laziness), and our turkey.... maybe I'll even pick up a small ham and some stuff to bake cookies.

You see, Christmas was Momma's favorite holiday. So every year, we did a big tree, decorated inside and out, made a big dinner, and baked up a storm. Seriously we made candies and cookies out the wazoo. But, without her, this year just hasn't been the same. I haven't been in the "holly jolly" spirit and it's almost like I don't even see the point of this time of year anymore. D had to practically force me to even get a tree (with minimal decorations) and I did all of my shopping online and way later than I should have pushed it. So far, I've done no baking and while I'm trying to force myself to try, I'd be lying if I said it wasn't extremely hard. And there are still days I don't know if I can do it.

In fact, this year has been the hardest thing that I've ever dealt with in my entire life combined. And not to sound dramatic, but I've been through some shit.

But, here I stand, trying. I've been trying. I'm mostly struggling.... and I think on some level, possibly even failing. But trying.