A little catchup on life in general and the daily struggles of mental health.

Life has been... I would like to say good, because it really does feel that way, but I also don't want to jinx myself or anyone around me either. I'm not sure what it is, but life has had a kind of calm around it lately. Things are very go with the flow and I find myself reflecting on memories or thoughts in a peaceful kind of way.

Don't get me wrong, there's every day normal stress... daily personal problems, work, health, financial. But, life in general has felt a bit serene. I find myself on edge less and it takes more than usual to make me panic.

Perhaps it has something to do with my surroundings... D and I finally managed to get our house and yard cleaned up. Don't get me wrong, more could definitely be done, but for the most part it's clean and doesn't look like a swarm of crackheads came through and had a field day. It actually looks like normal people live there... well, mostly normal people.

I don't think anyone would accuse us of being too normal. Or, normal at all really now that I think about it.

Also, I find "normal" to leave a bad taste in my mouth. I'm not sure who decided what was appropriate and what wasn't, but the fact that we live our lives how we see fit and let ourselves be happy is good enough for me. I don't really care if other people don't find my way of life to be acceptable.

But yes, our house being clean was like a giant weight lifted off my shoulders. It may sound insane, but I had so much anxiety that constantly ate at me when our house was a mess. 

And yet, I couldn't find any motivation to do anything about it. It was a real Catch-22 situation. I didn't like it a mess, but couldn't find the effort to do anything about it. Ironic, huh? It literally took me four hours to scrub our shower down.

FOUR. And don't get me wrong, it probably didn't need that thorough of a cleaning (yes, it did) and I could've probably stopped long before I did (no, it definitely needed all of the attention it got and probably then some), but it looks so much better now... and I feel so much damn better about it. 

I've talked about not cleaning or maintaining a house like Momma used to... I'm just not that person. I've thought about it, accepted it, and moved on. However, there are some things that are forever ingrained in my brain and while I may not keep house like her, I do still like to keep house. Or yet, I like having a kept house. It doesn't have to be perfect or immaculate, but it does have to be comfortable 

And I do like cleaning house... mostly. I find it comforting to toodle around mopping or cleaning... making sure laundry is caught up. Once everything is cleaned, the windows are open, and the candles/incense are lit, I'm at my most calm. Remember when I said I sometimes wake up early in the morning and stand in my kitchen with nothing but silence and coffee and contemplate the day ahead or my life in general? Well, it's even more peaceful surrounded by cleanliness and comfort items.

D did the entire back yard by himself and I am entirely impressed. He hacked down all the crazy tomato plants and vines that had taken over and put everything back in its rightful place. Even our firepit is standing at the ready to take out all the hang around stuff that shouldn't be there. He blew off the sidewalk and the pups are so damn thrilled. Spart and Xur love to run around and play in the openness and even little Tayderbug appreciates not having to scour the jungle looking for a place to pee.

We've been meaning to do this for quite some time, but always lacked the motivation to do so. I always joked with D that something like his mom coming to visit would have to happen before it actually got done. I mean, something would have to kick us in our asses to get the ball rolling, right? Well, something did apparently.

D's cousin, Travis, is staying with us for a bit. I love the guy like he's a little cousin or brother so when D said he needed a place to crash and asked if he could stay with us, I didn't mind at all. In the span of one day he... lost his job, house, fiancé and dog. Honestly, I'm just glad the guy has a newer truck, because I had a feeling it was going to be turning real 90s country love ballad soon. He started staying with us last Thursday (? I think it was Thursday) and it's been going real good. We don't mind having the company and we've seemed to find a somewhat routine with each other for now. D and I have a very calm and "hippie-esque" vibe about our lives and that's how we live it... and he seems to be ok with that and fit into it nicely. We all go about our own business, but also co-exist and hang out.

With that said, that's the motivation we needed. Trav is currently crashing in our spare room, so we rearranged to fit his stuff, but that also kickstarted our cleaning weekend. And honestly, I'm glad it did, because I love our house even more now. 

Other than that, we've just been relaxing and trying not to get too stressed about anything. D's been taking me for rides on his bike (and got me all decked out in gear-helmet, gloves, jacket) and it's something that we both have fun doing together. Between that and the random fishing trips we've been taking down at the river, life has just been... nice.

Cleaning, cooking, reading, relaxing... I know it all sounds ridiculous and you're wondering how any of that could possibly make me happy, but it does. Because I feel like me and I feel happy and I feel peaceful. I have an amazing, loving, caring, compassionate, adoring husband and three of the most adorable and loving pups that were ever put on this planet.

Sure, I have everyday stress and worries, we all do. I struggle with my mental health on a daily basis and there are times I feel so overwhelmed I don't know which way is up. I have moments or thoughts that are sad or unsettling, but I also have wonderful moments full of laughter and light. 

Things aren't perfect, they rarely ever are, but if this is the feeling I have for the rest of my life, I'll take it. Because while it may not be someone else's perfect, it feels pretty damn great to me.