Three years married to my Gatorbaby. ❤️❤️❤️

When I think about the fact we're married, there are times it still blows my mind. It's one of those things where I feel like I've been married for fifty years and four minutes all at the same time... in the very best of ways.

There is no one other than Dev I would want or would choose to spend my life with. He quite literally is the other piece of me and calls to my soul on an ethereal level. I was lucky. I know there are alot of people out there that say that, but I truly mean it.

He's not only an amazing husband, he's also my best friend. There's nothing that we do that we don't do together. He's my homie as much as he's my love and that in and of itself, to me, is priceless.

We were talking the other night... well... I was mostly incoherently rambling but that's besides the point... and I told D how much I loved being married to him. As most people know, I was steadfast in my whole "I'm never getting married" life plan. Honestly, after thinking it through, I realized that I didn't ever want to get married because I was scared.

I was scared that I would have to fight and argue and scream and be sad and live a lonely life if I was married. Because to me, that's what marriage was. That's what I had seen and that's what I knew. I've known very few people throughout my life that were "happy" and married. It's sad and confusing, but so very true.

But when Dev asked me to marry him, I knew he wouldn't make me live that life. I knew he just wanted me to be happy and healthy and to take care of each other and love each other as much as possible for however long was possible.

And that was a deal worth making.

He calls to my soul, makes everything feel better when he wraps me up, and truly is the greatest piece of myself I have to offer the world.

Happy Anniversary, my love. I know life is crazy and once again we're spending our anniversary in an unusual and unhip way (ah, the life of being an adult with health issues), but there's truly no one on this entire planet that could make me feel the way you do. You're my heart, my rock, my calm, and my storm. You're all the best of me stacked into one delicious 6'3 package and I'm so grateful that we found each other. 

I love you so deep in my bones, I don't know how my muscles hold up.

Hospital visits, X-Men, applesauce, towels, and Becks.

My little Gatorbaby finally had his oral surgery (10/9) that we've been waiting MONTHS on. The poor man has been in round the clock agony and to say we're relived for this part of the process to be done would be an understatement.

Now... he's a whole new kind of sore.

He came through the surgery fantastically (the docs words, not mine) and did so damn good with the anesthesia. That's the part we're always sketch on but everything went as smooth as possible (thanks!) and he was back to me in no time.

Well, I say no time now but it felt like an eternity and I was a little dramatic about it. Luckily, I was in the room by myself so the only person to actually see my internal freakout and constant leg shaking was... well... me. (I was a little on edge.)

Now, he has to go through the healing process (he's been doing pretty good and taking it like a champ!) and relearn a couple of things, go to a few more follow-up appointments and he'll be good to go. 

We spent his recovery time laid up in the bed (well... I didn't spend the whole time in the bed I was doing things around the house and for him... that's besides the point!) watching X-Men movies and the new Beckham documentary on Netflix (that I highly recommend!).

Like when I had my surgery, he's real sore and there's some frustration because you have to relearn to do so many things you don't even realize you do naturally (like holding your jaw). 

He also had three additional teeth at the bottom that had to be surgically removed (they had to cut his gum open to the bone... eek!) so he's more sore than I was... probably... it would make sense to me.

BUT he's recovering and his first follow-up appointment is on our third anniversary. Because we know how to party. I love that we're a legit old married couple even though we're still young.

There's mostly a diet of cup-a-noodles, applesauce, and jello happening at our house and we're staying inside as much as possible (the cold has hit the Midwest!). There's also a whole lot of relaxing, netflix-bingeing, and drool happening (maybe some tattooing... shh), so there's that.

All in all, I'm happy this step for him is over. I know he has a long road to go but the fact that he's sore from his surgery but not in constant throbbing pain is a bonus in my book. Trust me when I tell you it's a different kind of pain.

So basically, if anybody needs us, we'll be at home (with the exception of when I'm at work or we go to the grocery store) with each other doing as little aside from what we want as possible.

Momma always said, only the good die young.

Today would have been Momma's 59th birthday. It'll be five years this coming January without her and life is so very different than I had ever imagined it would be. I miss her like crazy and think about her often.

I try not to dwell and get stuck in my own head these days, but find I often space out throughout my time. Days like today make me think about how different things are and it makes me relieve my entire life in my head.

Like one big extended flash scene that you would only see in a movie. Images and faces, moments and time. The good and bad... the really good and the terribly bad. 

I'd be lying if I said I'm not a different person than I was five years ago. In fact, when I look back at the person I was, it's kind of hard to imagine I was there. Sure, I'm still me at my core but I'm certainly nowhere near the same. 

I would love to have Momma back. If I had that ability, no doubt. Hell, if I could even talk to her from the other side (whatever that may be), I would. But, I've also come to the realization that I can't. Sure, I've always known that but knowing something and truly accepting it are very different. 

Different moments, different feelings, different places in time and in your own mind.

I miss her. So much sometimes that it's still hard to breathe. 

But, like I said, I'm not the same person I was five years ago. I have my days where everything piles up and gets overwhelming and I just don't know what to do... I feel broken... but once I admitted that I actually had all these feelings and accepted that they were all justified, I found some peace. Not necessarily what I would call "coming to terms with" but my wishful thinking and ever prevalent mindset tend to have a more calming effect these days.

I would say I have my husband to thank for that. While I was very much on the train of bottling up all my feelings until they overwhelmed and disabled me (I was willing to go down swinging), he made me feel like it was ok to actually feel my feelings. I didn't want to, but rather I wanted them to be or not, they were there. I had to deal or I had to surrender and quite frankly, surrendering wasn't an option to me.

I came to a point where I started just feeling ok going on about my life. 

For years, I would make changes or do something differently and then I would feel nothing but guilt. Like, all consuming, can't get out of bed, existential "what kind of person even am I" crisis levels of guilt. I would think to myself, how can I even make these decisions and move forward without her here? It felt wrong and like I was betraying her.

I'm not sure when it happened. I don't recall if it was an exact moment or a bunch of little moments all rolled into one but one day I made a decision and I just felt... I don't even really know what I felt... perhaps relief. Relief that for the first time in a long time, I was ok.

Sure, I'm not what some people would consider ok. Mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually. I have my bad days and I have those moments where I'm so overwhelmed I can't think straight. I have days where all I want to do is lay down and not get back up until it feels like I should. Days where my anxiety gets the best of me and my emotions are so overwhelming I can't help but let them spill out everywhere no matter the mess it may create. 

I have those days. More often than I'd like to admit, my mental health gets the best of me. I struggle and at times, I feel weak because I can't just "fix" it. I don't know what's wrong with me... sometimes it will be the littlest things that send me over the edge. But, they show up and there I am rocking on the precipice running through every single decision I've ever made in my head.

But then there are the other days. The days where I feel strong and capable. The days that I love just being me and the person that I am. The days that I cuddle with my husband and play with our pups and live my life with the mindset that I only get one and I decide what kind of life it's going to be.

I was talking to Dev the other night, and at the end of the conversation I realized that I had not only been living my entire life with my mother on a pedestal but I had a deep desire for her to be proud of me. Not just proud but I wanted to just be enough for her. I saw so many people throughout my life treat my mother shitty and just be horrible to her when she didn't deserve it. I'm not saying she was perfect but she certainly was better than what people bothered to show her.

I took care of her and had a deep need to be everything that she needed. I wanted to make up for the fact she had a less than stable childhood. I wanted to make her see that it didn't matter she had two divorces and both husbands were terrible people in general. I wanted to be enough to where she didn't worry about the drinking and the drugs that she had done in the past. I wanted to be able to make her happy and content and live the best life she possibly could while it was in my capabilities.

And I would do it all again, without hesitation. I have no regrets when it comes to taking care of Momma. People over the years have mentioned the things I gave up, the late start with others. And I would agree. I most certainly didn't live a normal adult life. My world quite literally revolved around her and anything her little heart desired. Was it healthy? Probably not. In fact, it was probably incredibly unhealthy and a therapist would most definitely have a few things to say about it. But, whether right or wrong, I would do it again.

Because she was her and I love her beyond all reasonable explanation. She was my truest friend, greatest champion, and a devoted mother. She had her flaws like everyone else but no matter the flaw, I loved her. She loved me through mine and I loved her through hers and that was that.

But after I lost her, I had to figure out what to do. Where to go. How to move forward. 

It wasn't easy. Hell, it still isn't easy. I don't know if life is ever really easy for anyone. We all have our own problems and stories and whose to say one is a greater tragedy than another?

My greatest hurdle was without a doubt the guilt. The guilt of moving forward in my own way without the nagging feeling of "am I a terrible person for trying to be happy?" The guilt of needing to figure out who I am as a person on my own, meaning I had to go back and examine and think through and make decisions based on my entire life starting with my childhood. The guilt of realizing that I'm not ok with everything that has happened to me and I'm not ok with some of the thoughts that have been put in my head throughout my entire life.

The guilt of coming to the realization I had some major parts of myself that I had always been afraid of changing but felt the need to change. The guilt from realizing that it was fear of not being good enough that made me such a people pleaser and prohibited me from making decisions in my life that I truly wanted to make. And then, the guilt of realizing it seemed like I was painting my mother in a negative light when that was the furthest thing from what I wanted to do.

I lived with this guilt and if I'm being completely honest, it ate at me. Every single day for a very long time. No matter the circumstance or thought, all I felt was guilt. So much guilt that it was crippling and would bring me to my knees. I mean, how dare I have this amazing mother and then have the audacity to questions anything, right?

And then one day I realized it was ok.

It was ok to be the person I wanted to be. And it was ok to think what I thought, have my own opinions. It was ok to make changes in my life to live the life that was going to make me happy and it was ok that I'm not ok with everything. I came to the conclusion... and while this may be whimsical thinking on my part... that just because I have objections and questions to my past doesn't mean that I love her any less. I don't have to agree with everything she said or did, I don't have to live my life according to her rules or principles, I don't have to be who I thought she wanted me to be. I could just be me and that was ok. I could make the changes, and have the doubts, and propose the questions, and do the work and it wasn't for anybody but me. I didn't have to live in this bubble that I had created out of fear of not being good enough. And that was ok. There was no reason to feel guilty about it... it was just... ok.

I often ask myself if Momma would be proud of me. Because I think a little part of me will always want her to be proud of me. And honestly, the answer is always vague. Do I think she would like the decisions I've made, the ways I've changed? The clothes I wear, the tattoos I have, the stance I take with other people? The questions I ask or the opinions I'm now free and easy with? And the answer to that is simply no. I don't for one second kid myself into thinking Momma would like this from her daughter. She was amazing but she was also stubborn and liked things her way. You know that old saying "my way or the highway"? Yeah, Elizabeth Ann coined that phrase, I'm sure of it. So no, I think she would have a whole lot of opinions on the way her daughter goes about her life.

But also, as a person? Someone she just looked at and thought to herself, that's a good one? I could laugh and hang out with and love and be around that person? I think she would look past all of it and see me as a person and like me. The things I've overcome, the way I've managed and dealt, the love I have for the life I live, and the way I choose to treat people. She may not have wanted it from her daughter but as a person? Yeah, I think she would be really proud of me. 

And one day, I realized that was enough for me. I didn't have to be perfect and live in any certain image. Because deep down I try to be a good person. I make mistakes and I have flaws and I am so far off the perfect spectrum I can't even see it in my rearview. And all of that was ok because I not only found my way through but I continue to try and keep finding my way through.

I thought about it and I had never really stopped to ask myself if I was happy. Sure, I felt happiness throughout my life but I had never really stopped to consider if I was happy to my core. I had apparently been in survival mode for so long that basic emotions seemed like a foreign concept to me. And once I decided that the only way I was going to be able to move forward was to try and find my happy the rest kind of just fell into place.

Am I all cured and mentally stable? Nope. But am I happy and trying my best? Yes. And yeah, that's enough.

With all that being said, I feel like I should say I do think Momma is with me on the regular. Whether she approves or not, she's there. Like she always was. Today on my way home for lunch, while driving through an intersection, a woman ran a red light and almost hit me. At the last minute the car in front of me decided to hit their brakes and turn left and therefore, took the hit to their front instead of what would have been my drivers side door. And I can't help but to think, if that wasn't Momma, it sure as hell is a coincidence that I got that "lucky" on her birthday.

Happy Birthday, Momma. I love you so much it hurts and I miss you every single day. I sure do hope my Tayder is keeping you in good company and you're as happy and feel as amazing as you possibly can. Because you deserve it. Any and everything I could never give, you deserve. That and so much more. Don't worry about me, I'm tough as nails and we both know you didn't raise no quitter (and if you did, it was definitely my brother). Thanks for keeping an eye out for me and I'll continue to try and be happy. Because I know no matter what, you always wanted that for me. I love you, Momma.

Catch up... not to be confused with ketchup.

Life has been... lately. Things seem to be moving at warp speed and slowly crawling all at once. If I'm being perfectly honest, it feels a little Twilight-zoney around these parts.

But I digress... mostly because I don't know where that potential ramble is headed off to.

Our days are basically filled with work (both me at the shop and D at the house) and spending all the rest of the time together when possible. 

We finally got a call about Dev's oral surgery... they can't fit him in until October 9th. I'm so frustrated with that but also just want it done so he can stop being in constant pain. Poor man literally just has a toothache round the clock and I feel miserable for him because I know he's miserable as hell. We're just waiting on all the calls from the hospital and labs to confirm appointments/etc. Hopefully, things will go streamlined from here... fingers crossed!

Dev took me to my "lady" doctor appointment a couple weeks ago and I go in tomorrow to have my Kyleena changed out (its due in September). Thankfully, my insurance still covers birth control (for now) so while I'm not looking forward to being poked and prodded, I am happy to have this taken care of on the quick and up.

We've been spending quite a bit of time with Mavis and the cutest little Bean on the planet. We've come to the conclusion that we can rock this whole Aunt/Uncle life. Kids might not be our forte (we're not having any of our own) but dog parents/auntie-uncle life? We got this. Along with spending so much time with Mavis comes the fact we all have many more tattoos than what we started with. Dev and I counted the other night and he's on like forty-five/six and I'm on thirteen, I think? We're basically just all walking canvases at this point. I ain't mad at it.

Dev, Greg, Gabby and I went on a nice long bike ride yesterday. We were gone about four hours and had a real nice time. We ended up riding down to Morgan and Dev and I talked about moving out there someday and finding our forever home. That would be hilarious, right? For me to move myself and my husband and our kids (pups but they count!) to the first ever town I remember living in. Talk about full circle.

Other than that, we've essentially just been living life and going about our business. Work for me has been insane and busy as all get out (though I'm not mad at it and prefer to stay steady busy instead of lagging around) and Dev has been doing lots of cleaning and reorganizing the house. 

I would be lying if I said I didn't miss my Tayderbug so damn bad. Honestly, I look for him everywhere and think about him constantly. I just want to hold and cuddle him and love on him after a long day. But I can't and that makes me so incredibly sad. I still go looking for him and listen for him every single day. Dev told me it wasn't a "habit" that I do this, it's just my natural instinct for almost two decades, so it's going to take some time to be ok. Because I am not ok with it. I mean, I'm "ok" but I'm not "ok." Ok? Ok.

At the end of the day though we're just doing what we can... we're dreaming and making plans and loving each other.

The last nineteen years of my life replayed in a flash.

No, I am not ok.

On July 26, 2023 I had to do one of the very hardest things that I've ever done in my entire life. 

I had to say goodbye to my Tayder pup.

I can't even begin to explain what I'm feeling right now. I feel empty but also like I need to throw up everything that's not even in my body. I feel numb but my chest aches with a burning persistence. I can't stop bursting into random tears and I feel weak.

Mentally, physically, emotionally, psychologically.

Some people might call it drained, but I don't feel drained, I feel completely and utterly weak. 

Tayder was my true North. No matter what horrible thing happened in my life or what ridiculous circumstance tried to break me, Tayder was always steadfast in his love and loyalty. I never had to question if he loved me and I never had to worry about someone coming along and him taking to them more. I always knew where we stood, because we always stood together.

He's been there since I was fifteen years old. We were both babies but he put all his love, trust and complete blind faith into me. And I know to most people they would think, "oh, you've had a dog since you were a teen, that's cool." But, he wasn't a dog. And I didn't just get a dog when I was a teen.

I received the greatest blessing I had ever received and I truly feel he is my baby. Maybe I didn't birth him, but we've been together for so long and I love him so deeply, that it honestly feels like I lost my child. And I don't care if that sounds dumb to other people or if they never understand, because even I can't explain it.

Him not being here with me just feels completely and utterly wrong.

And I knew our time together wasn't going to be forever. I was extremely lucky, my Tayder got to live until he was over twenty-two years old and lord knows everyone other than me counted him out long ago. But, no matter how much I knew and how much I would try to prepare myself, there was just no way.

Even I couldn't have foreseen how this was going to feel. I knew it was going to hurt, there was no way it couldn't, but I never in my whole life would have been able to know it would hurt this bad. 

Nothing other than losing momma has ever hurt this bad in my entire life. Nothing.

When I was eleven years old, I was with my brother and some of our friends playing in the woods. One thing lead to another and I ended up entangled in some barb-wire. Shit cut me up and was embedded so far into my thighs that a friend had to hold me up while two others had to pull the wire out. He carried me home and I was laid up for weeks in pain, constantly trying to get my legs to stop bleeding everywhere.

And still, that didn't hurt this bad. If it would bring my Tayder back, I would wrap myself in barb-wire from head to toe, light myself on fire and go cliff diving.

Unfortunately, no matter how much I want or wish, that's one thing I can't have back. It's so surreal for me to know I will never hold or cuddle Tayder again because even though I know it's completely real, it still doesn't feel like it is.

I still look for him every single time I walk into our house. I still watch for him every time I come around a corner or step down off our bed. I still listen for the little click-clack of his toes for when he wandered to the ends of the house and back.

Empty. Numb. Void. I wouldn't know what the word that I'm feeling is. I'm lost but know exactly where I am. I'm devastated and somehow have an endless supply of tears. Quite literally the only thing I want to make me feel better is... well... Tayder.

And I know I'll be ok... I think.

And I know what happened couldn't have been prevented... I think.

And I know I did the right thing... I think.

Somehow, someway, I can't help but to feel I have betrayed him. I don't think he would see it that way and I don't think anybody else does... hell, I wouldn't think that about anybody else in the exact same situation. 

But... it wasn't someone else. It was me and Tate. And to say the decision I had to make will haunt me for a long time... perhaps forever... would be an understatement. Because I know it will, it already does. And I would do it again for him in a heartbeat, but that doesn't make it any easier.

Maybe this is the price I have to pay for having him as long as I did and for loving him as much as I do. 

He gave me so many wonderful and blessed and special and amazing years and I never felt I could ever repay him for everything he gave to me. And maybe that's why it hurts so bad. Maybe this is the price at the end of the road. You know, when all is said and done and the final say is said.

But, you know what? If this is the price that has to be paid, then I guess I'll pay the toll. Because I wouldn't trade all the years and memories and moments that I have with my Tayder for anything. 

I'll cry and I'll grieve and I'll keep going because I know the little shit was training me for it. Always making me stronger and more caring and filling me so full of love.

I love you, Tayder. 

I've loved you since the first minute I looked up into that crate and you gave me a kiss on the nose. I was a sucker for you then and I love you more than I ever thought I could love another living being. You're my rock, my heart, and forever ingrained into my soul. I'll always have a piece of you with me and I know you're never too far when I need you. Thank you for being there for me at my worst times and pulling me through the deep end. I honestly don't know where I would be or what kind of person I would be without you.

You taught me patience, understanding and the true meaning of unconditional love. You're my baby and will forever be my little trooper.

I love you. So very much. And I'm gonna miss you so damn much more than I already do. But, I got this. You've done all you could do and now it's up to me to keep going through. I'll figure it out because if you've taught me anything over all the years we've been together, it's that I'm stronger than what even I think.

And I feel that because of you, Tayder. I love you.

He's my little ole man so the jumps need to go.

We got my Tayder a new little bed so he doesn't have to jump down from anywheres anymore.

Anyone who knows my little guy knows he's a trooper... but I am forever his mama and with that comes ALL the worry in the world. WHAT?! He's my baby and I'm not even a little sorry for it. 

He's twenty-two now, and his hips aren't what they used to be (same Bug, same) so I wanted him to stop having to jump off of stuff so often... the bed, futon, couches at other peoples houses. Just any and every thing I wanted him to be able to be ground level. He can now just stand up and walk to whatever he needs, he doesn't have to pull a stunt for it.

We haven't owned pup beds in years (all our pups sleep with us and are very much allowed on ALL our furniture), but this time around? I think my little man is loving the change. 

And as long as my baby is good, I'm good.

I met his aunt that reminded me of my cousin and now we have more people.

Let me start off by saying I had no damn idea that my FIL had a little sister for the longest time. I knew there were four brothers but had no clue there was a sister. Apparently, because she was a little on down through the years and also grandad's with his second wife.

Even Dev's only met her a handful of times throughout his life and the most vivid memory he has of meeting her was his grandpa's last birthday. Then again, he only met his real grandpa a few times as well. Because you know, grandma had a second husband. Or, something. I don't really know if I'm being honest...

THE POINT IS... I got to meet Dev's aunt and uncle and we got to hang out with them for a bit.

They live in FL but apparently travel around up here to the Midwest because his uncle has quite a bit of family up this way. We didn't know they were coming into town (the trip wasn't to see us) but Sharla reached out to Dev a couple days before and mentioned she would be in town and would like to see him.

So, once I got off work Friday, we loaded our boys up and headed over to Mavis's house. It was nice to get to hang out, chill and have supper together. We all talked and carried on and it was real nice to see we each had some shit in common. It's always nice for me when I'm comfortable around people, because as most everyone knows, new people and awkwardness meetings are not my thing.

Crippling anxiety attack? Right here. It's me.

Like I said, his aunt was a down the road baby, so she's only ten years older than us. Between the three couples there we had two in their forties, two in their thirties, and two in their twenties.

And for the record, you couldn't pay me enough to go back to my twenties. Because f*ck that. Hoping to make it past my forties though... I mean, I don't want to get there too soon but I also want to see after that? Something.

They of course had other plans and a schedule to keep, and we had to head home, but we were able to hang out for a couple hours and they let us know the next time we come down to FL, they would like us to stay with them a couple days and see everybody on that side of the family. I mean, sounds good to us.

It'll probably be awhile before we're able to make a FL trip, but its nice to know we have many people to see and fun to have when we do eventually get to go.

Did I just do two Mondays in a row? I feel like I did. *suspicious*

Do you ever just have one of those days where you wake up and you're like this is just not it? Happened to me. Well, happens to me on the regular but especially today.

Y'all, this little chika ain't twenty years old anymore and I FEELS it.

Yesterday was the 4th which means there was a day off to be had and some fun to accomplish. It also means that I was off the weekend, worked Monday, off Tuesday, and back in the office on Wednesday.

What. The. F*ck.

Don't get me wrong, I love having certain holidays off (I never used to get those) and I'm not one to kick a gift horse in his mouth, but this off-on-off-on situation has me all sorts of confused. I swear, my ass doesn't know whether to shit or fart glitter.

My alarm went off this morning and I seriously contemplated throwing it out the window. Then I woke up a couple more seconds and realized even if I did that I'd still have to go into work and then I'd have a broken window, so you know... didn't want one more thing to deal with.

Yesterday was fun and we had a good time. We headed up to Mavis's for the day and hung out at Mace's parents house. We took the pups with us because we didn't want to leave them alone with all the fireworks, but they stayed with their cousins at the Mavis homebase. That way, they were right down the road from us but didn't have to stay out in all that constant heat.

And when I tell y'all it was hot yesterday, I mean SUMBITCH. We ate and laughed and all had a good time, but y'all THAT HEAT. Humid would be the understatement of the century. We walked down to some firework get together they have and between the four of us, I bet you could've filled a kiddie pool with all that sweat.

D and I headed out before the legit firework show started (we live about an hour and ten mins from them) since it was already so late (well after ten), but we essentially got a monstrous firework show because we saw everyone's from Muncie to Indy. It was pretty great.

We got home after eleven (almost midnight) and stayed up well until one this morning snuggling and watching Tiktok videos in bed together.

And now? We're back to reality and I need a nap and some cuddles. Luckily, I left all four of my boys at the house when I left this morning, so when its time for me to get off and come home, we can do NOTHING.

Because I'm old and need to recover. At least, that's what my left hip keeps telling me.

People haven't learned in 111 years? Leave that bitch alone.

We'll start off by saying I in no way, shape or form want to make light of someone's life. Life or death situations are scary and traumatic and I feel for the people whom are left behind in the wake of something so life-altering and tragic.

HOWEVER....

You absolutely CANNOT send a submarine down to the depths of the Titanic, name it Titan, and lose said submarine and expect me to NOT have some sarcastic and/or wtf commentary about said situation. I mean, it doesn't affect my life at all and its absolutely NONE of my business, but you know what? 

Eh. I don't even really feel like getting into it. Let's just say, I'm gonna say it either way.

We'll play a little catchup first... this past Sunday, it was reported that a submersible watercraft set to explore the wreckage of the Titanic had gone missing. Like, poof. Gone, nadda, nothing. VANISHED. And yeah, you read that right. They were going to explore the Titanic. The one that wrecked and was responsible for the death of over 1,500 people?!! In 1912?! Yeah, that one.

Because apparently motherf*ckers didn't learn the first time around. And once I learned about this and started reading up on it I learned that this is an actual thing. Like, not just the five guys missing this time around, but the fact that people go 13,000 meters below the North Atlantic to see this disaster. IT'S A THING. A whole ass thing.

The only thing that comes to my mind when thinking of being in that situation is mind-numbing/body-crippling fear. And that's even before they lost the sub. That's just the thought of being out in the ocean that damn far. There is nothing more terrifying than the ocean. Ok, maybe outer space, BUT I can't just run into that so the ocean wins top dollar on this one. There's so much we don't know about it and the creatures that live there. And yes, I say creatures because at this point I don't know what's down there. You don't know what's down there. Even Jason Momoa doesn't know what's down there.

NONE OF US DO.

You know what immediately comes to my mind when I think about this? Sea creature or the Bermuda Triangle. I mean, you do have the US, Canada, and France looking for this thing.

And forgive me for being somewhat dramatic... but don't we all think that sub may have been eaten by a massive creature that they've let out of the pits of underwater hell? Anyone ever watched The Meg? I know its a sci-fi movie made in all good fun but... seems a little sketch to me. Apparently everybody and their mama has been going down there for a damn weekend visit like its grandpappy's house. They were bound to stir something up or let something out down there, right? RIGHT?!

According to reports, three of the five men onboard are billionaires and the fourth is the heir to a billion dollar empire. I'm sure this is because I've watched one too many movies in my life time, but shouldn't they have a contingency plan for that? You know, missing and in need of rescue? Christian Grey made getting out of a dangerous situation look easy as long as you have enough cash. And again, not trying to be an ass but... you're worth billions of dollars and nobody thought to put a freaking chip in you in case of kidnapping or some other super extra thing like that? COME ON.

You know who I feel the worst for? The "heir" that was onboard. He was a nineteen year old kid that just wanted to make sure his dad had a great Fathers Day. He literally went to spend the day with his dad, have a good time, maybe some laughs, make some memories and instead had to live a f*cking nightmare. All because ANOTHER set of dudes thought they knew what was best and "didn't need to listen to" a full set of people even though said people have studied and worked with these materials and kind of explorations and technology for YEARS. Ok, you don't have to use their designs, but at least listen to what they're telling you about the safety. Maybe you have to push your timeline a couple of years. I'm all for innovation and I know taking risks is what defines progress, but seriously? 

THAT MOTHERF*CKER WAS DESIGNED TO FUNCTION WITH A PLAYSTATION CONTROLLER. 

The hubris definitely outweighed the common sense in this situation. AGAIN. Just like back in the day when they built the original and now today, when five families have to say goodbye to their loved ones. 

Can we all just agree to leave well enough alone and stop going down to the murky pits of the deep to see a ship that hit an iceberg and sank over a century ago? I get that its a piece of history and its amazing to see. I understand. BUT, maybe we just all stick to the 1997 version and go from there. You've seen all that needs seen. Y'all are acting like this is The Inferno and One-Eyed Willy is about to walk off that sumbitch and wave at you.

LET IT GO.

You're the only reason I celebrate Father's Day. ♥️♥️

Happy Fathers Day, my love. This photo literally says all that needs said for the level of love you have for our pups and what they feel in return.

You’re the best

furdaddy around these parts.

 

The happenings of the Glisson household.

How are we already six months into 2023? Things have been crazy and weird and lovely and insane.

We've been painting our house black and while we were on a role for awhile, it has essentially died off for a minute. Don't get me wrong, we still plan on completing it all, its just going to take longer than we originally anticipated. Then again, doesn't it always?

The pups are still spoiled rotten and as cute as they've ever been. Xur is still the protective middle child, Sparkles is forever playing the part of youngest child, and our little tiny Tayderbug is still the King of the Court with his oldest brother status. I love our babies and it would be a lie to say their presence didn't bring me extreme amounts of comfort.

Dev's been off work so far this year so we can get his health in check. Its almost like a snowball effect. It started with his heart and progressed to his teeth and now we're somewhere in between waiting to hear back from doctors and trying to pay medical bills as they come in. I just want him healthy and to feel good. The way I look at it, as long as we can get him happy, healthy and safe, we can catch up on the rest. That's what life's for... right? Right.

My poor husband. When we relax at night, we usually lay in the bed and watch tv, talk, or scroll on our phones. Sometimes a combo of all because we're multitaskers like that. However, I have this real bad habit of falling asleep while watching true crime documentaries and I think he may be scarred now. I mean, he's watching this crazy and then looking sideways at his wife passed out cold? Its funny to me, probably a little insane to him.

Travis and Macey (aka Mavis) are having a baby and we've been spending alot of time together. I would essentially say that those two are not only our family, but have also become our best friends (aside from one another of course). We cook together, laugh together, hang out and have a grand ole time. It's strange to have another couple that we can hang out with and either spend time all together as four or sectioned off. We've never had a "couple" friend like this and the fact that its family we love makes it all the much better.

Dev's got the yard looking incredible. It's been a long process, but everything is looking real good. And just in time for Summer? Whhhaaaaaa. We've decided that we want to have a bajillion plants (ok, I decided and my husband was 1000% on board). Seriously, I'm in this weird stage of life where plants are making me happy for some unknown and ridiculous reason and instead of fighting it, I have decided to embrace it fully. Along with Seth Green Bonsai, we've also started out propagating garlic and some other herb (I can't recall which it is because D started it, but its doing good!). Oh, and my mint is spreading and taking over EVERYWHERE. I love it. The irises and lilies look good this time around as well. I talked to my Aunt Mary and she let me know when we're ready for more plants to let her know and I could come out to her house and have a field day with her flowers/plants. I kind of want to go pick out a bunch of stuff in the next few weekends!

Along with that, I really want to delve into this plant thing and learn and grow (pun intended).

We've picked up a new recipe for chuck roast that is essentially our new go to favorite. We made it twice in one week just so we could have French-dip sandwiches. I'm pretty sure this roast would be delicious about fifteen thousand ways, but I had a new idea the other night for "Holler Pie" and D is so onboard. TBD on when that's happening (maybe when D has his teeth surgery and has to eat softer foods).

Oh, and D blew up our microwave. It's not really relevant but made me laugh the night it happened so I thought it was worth mentioning. Aunt Mary had given us some homemade zucchini bread and after eating a bit I wrapped it up and stuck it in the microwave. D didn't see it when we tried to heat up the au jus and well... the bread was in foil. Now our microwave only works in twenty second increments and then shuts off the power for that side of the kitchen. Looks like we're using all our other appliances for warm food for awhile.

So yeah, that's where this Glisson household is six months into this year. Trying and doing and laughing and crying and loving and living and essentially, trying to live an all around peaceful and comforting life together with our babies and each other.

Note to self: just because they said they got this doesn't mean they got this.

After work today we decided to ride up and see Mavis. Its always a bit of a trip but we've made it so many times at this point that its almost second nature and unbothersome. We just wanted to hang out and pick up a couple of things. Also, I seriously needed some cuddles from their little girl, Bean.

While we were there the guys decided to take a ride on the Nelli and apparently while they were traveling uphill, my husband fell off. Like, flew off the back of the bike and landed full force on asphalt.

Head, back, neck, and ass. 

Luckily, they weren't moving at a fast pace and he's ok. He's sore and has a bit of road rash but considering they were laughing when they pulled up and Dev said he was ok after some ibuprofen, I guess we'll pack this in the "I need to put my husband in a plastic bubble" box.

These dudes.

I know we just had Memorial Day weekend and all but... *SNORES*

Y'all, I am officially back to work after a three-day weekend and I am not having it. Sure, I'm very proud and feel blessed that I have a job I love (most days) and I am forever thankful for it BUT COME ON. Let me snuggle back into the covers and recover my whole ass body. That's it, I just need another day.

You see, we had a real fun weekend. While it was supposed to just be me, Dev and our pups, we ended up spending the majority of the time with Travis and Macey (aka Mavis). We alternated between houses and managed everything from tattoos to homemade french dips to dabbling in botany. 

And yesterday, the four of us took the tubes down White River for the day. I had personally never been tubing before and we all were a little lost on the process. It was supposed to be a three-four hour trip and it ended up being five and a half instead. Which was fine, except we're all a little crispy for it. Why we waited until the day before we had to go back to our normal lives to do this I'll never know, but here we are.

I straight up went from being Dev's little princess to being his little lobster. Seriously, my shins and stomach are F****D up. And D's shoulders? Pfsshh. CRISPY like KFC. I know Mace and Travis HAVE to be feeling that shit today. Mace is pale like me and Trav is a ginger so you know they're extra spicy looking this AM. *And yes, we used sunscreen, but that shit only goes so far.*

Full disclosure, I had to dress like Miss Honey from Matilda for work today, because things touching me aren't a thing. I asked Dev how I looked and his words were... "sexy... like a librarian." I wasn't aware dudes had a thing for librarians, so I'm taking it as a win. Then again, I mentioned the Miss Honey thing and he was like, "well, now that you mention it." It could be worse. I could be having a Trunchbull moment.

We all laugh about it, because what else are we supposed to do? Not to mention we have a couple new tattoos (Leo is a new dino-lizard on my thigh), a new bombass recipe, and memories to go round. Honestly, while I'm exhausted and want to do nothing but sleep right now, the fact we were going and had those experiences and that fun was worth it.

Seriously though, today when I get home I'm having a shower, putting on some comfy clothes, have a chill moment, snuggle with my pups and hubby, eat some leftover spaghetti (I made that shit when we got home from the river last night and it is delicious), and watching tv. That's it. That's all I'm doing and can't nobody change my mind.

Please.

There's a theme... and that theme is BLACK.

I mentioned that Dev and I were repainting our house and redecorating and such, but I don't know if I ever mentioned what we're doing. I'm not going to get too much into it, but I thought I would mention that we want everything black. ALL OF IT. 

Everything that can be painted black is being painted black (walls, furniture, etc.) and then we're adding random pops of color or weirdness as we go. I love our house. It's so weird and random.

Just like us.

So yeah, we have to finish painting the kitchen (and seriously, no one bothered to tell us how ugly our original backsplash was? creative and awesome sure... but ugly) and laundry room, touch up the hallway and bathroom, and start the back bedroom and our room. It's alot when you break it all down, but we're just taking our time and doing what we want when we want to. If we don't feel like painting? We don't. Instead, we'll do something else.

Because why not? All we have is time and each other. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Everything, everywhere, all at once. I can't stop rambling for nothing.

No, I haven't watched the movie... not because I'm against it, but because we haven't had the opportunity to check it out. We have however been watching a lot of random shit.

Like Knock at the Cabin. And Scream VI.

Before that, Avatar: The Way of Water. (Having just seen the first Avatar movie- for me- the night before).

I digress though, because this isn't all about movies. Even though it could be. No, this is just a little catch up on all the happenings as of late.

We've been painting around the house like crazy. The kitchen, laundry room, hallway... it's all different at this point. I both love it and want to get the rest of it painted but also have to kickstart myself every time to actually get the painting part done. Procrastination party of one? Right here.

On top of that we've basically been playing the waiting game trying to get D into the oral surgeon so we can get his dental problems handled (his appointment is on the 25th of this month). He'll feel so much better once it's all taken care of and I'll feel better knowing he's not in constant pain 25/8. Just one more step to get my love on the health and narrow.

We also came to the conclusion to maybe sell the Juke. It was Dev's idea/decision and we're seriously putting a lot of thought into it. Hopefully, if we do end up selling, it will be a painless process. *fingers crossed*

Hold onto your hats, because a couple of weeks ago we found out Travis and Macey are having a baby. That's right, another little Glissonbug is on the horizon and we're all so damn excited for them. She's been having a rough time with morning sickness and everything, so hopefully, it'll all ease up on her a bit soon. I don't know how shit like this works, but I hope she doesn't have to feel like shit the whole time.

Speaking of Trav and Mace, Dev and I took the Z up to their house on Saturday for a drive and a hangout. We had so much fun on the bike, but I can guarantee long trips are something we have to work up to, because their house is about 1.5 hours each way, and my whole body is feeling it. It was feeling it yesterday and it's definitely feeling it today. I am young no more. 

But, it was totally worth it.

And speaking of kids, Gabriel lost his two front teeth. He definitely resembles his hillbilly Aunt Katie a little more for awhile.

Work is work. Crazy and hectic and exhausting, but we're trekking forward and doing what we have to do to make sure shit gets done. Because at the end of the day, isn't that all we can really do?

My Tayderbug is an angel and demanded to go back to regular dog food. I swear, we make that little shit his own batch of fresh chicken every night and he just ain't having it. He wants regular ole pup food. Meanwhile, his brothers are drooling every which way trying to get a little piece of the actual chicken.

Dev has been feeling a bit better and doing so much around the house. I swear, I do dishes, but I don't do anything else really around the house. He basically has all the important stuff done by the time I get home and then our time together can either be spent relaxing or doing projects together. And I love both.

Just a side note, yesterday was the four year anniversary of Dev proposing to me and I was all heart-eyed once I realized it.

So yeah, a little catchup with shit I am most definitely forgetting, but here we are. Doing our best and making the most. And doing it all with a little hope, some happiness, and a fuckton of love.

A weekend of motorcycle rides, cuddles, and furbabies.

If more weekends could be like this past one, I think we would all be good to go. Go where... I don't know. But go.

The weather was beautiful, we actually had plans that went through, and I got to spend the whole thing with the hubby and my babies. When I say it was a good day, you may as well crank up Ice Cube.

It started off Friday with a movie night. Have y'all seen Cocaine Bear yet? If not, you're definitely missing out, because that shit is hilarious. Seriously, I laughed so hard at one point I almost peed down my leg. Even if I wouldn't have wanted to see it, you could of told me O'Shea Jackson Jr. was in it and I would've been SOLD. 

And good ole Ray Liotta... ah man. No one can play a bad guy like Ray Liotta. I'm gonna miss that guy. He was my very favorite crass actor. The dude could literally play a piece of shit human being (which he did often) and I would be like.... yeah.... but I mean... it's Ray Liotta.

Saturday we got up super early and I got ready while Dev made breakfast. Trav and Mace showed up, we got everything situated, I loaded up our babies and we made the 1.5 hour trip out to their house. Once we got there we got pork in the smoker and settled in the pups and then the four of us went on a nice little ride.

It was peaceful and beautiful and honestly, I feel like if we had more relaxing days like that, everybody's anxiety would be down and happiness would increase. 

After the ride, their parents showed up at the house, we made a trip to the meat market, and we all proceeded to cook, eat, talk, and hang out until ten at night. Then we loaded up and headed to the house.

Sunday was spent resting and not doing anything at all, because my old ass was dragging and there was nothing but rain and gloom out. Go figure, we had one beautiful day and now it's back to shiver-ass cold. That's ok though, because that just means I get more cuddles, comfort food, and movie nights. 

And honestly, that's this girls dream.

Sometimes you do the things because literally no-one can stop you.

This past weekend was a good one. Dev and I loaded the pups up on Saturday and we went to hang out with Travis and Macey for a bit. While it is a long drive (1.5 hours one way), we usually have a good time and make the most of our little "road trip." Besides, our pups enjoy getting to go with us and since they're THE GOODEST BOYS on the planet, they reign supreme.

They also tried to talk me into letting Macey pierce my lip and that was a firm f*ck on somewhere from me. 

Then Dev and I talked about it and I told him I actually would like to try something like that, because it would be a drastic change without having to touch my hair (hair is always the first thing a woman changes when she's going through a phase, because that shit is the most dramatic and accessible... at least that's what I'm going with). 

I always said I wouldn't get a face piercing, because I had my nose done when I was nineteen, kept the ring in for two-three days and took it out because I hated it. 

I believe the words I used were, "I tried it and discovered I don't like having a f*cking bolt in my face." 

BUT I've learned in the last year or so that many things I've thought or felt my entire life are actually completely different and so, I've been experimenting with changes and different ways of doing things to see if it helps.

Don't let anybody tell you otherwise... mental health is important and you matter. Take care of yourself.

With these changes, I've been... I know this sounds a little hippish or something... trying to find who I am. I feel like I know who I am, but somehow I'm still discovering things about myself. I'm certainly not the person I thought I was and my mindset changes frequently. It's like a whole new world and I can just be 100% me.

Luckily, I also have a husband that not only adores the shit out of me, but encourages me in all things that could produce happiness. When I said I married my hype man, I wasn't joking. We talk to each other about absolutely everything (I don't care what anybody says, your spouse being your best friend is f*cking fantastic) and usually when I want to do/try/say/wear something different but have my reservations, he's always the one to remind me that I'm grown and I can be/say/do/have whatever it is I want. He's always going on about, "you're your own person and the most amazing one I know... you do whatever it is you want, sweetheart, and I got your back. 100%" He's the f*cking best.

What did I fantasize about my husband being like? Think Gomez Addams. 

So yes, when I mentioned I would like to try it but had doubts, he was all, you want one? We'll do it RIGHT. NOW.

Cut to fifteen minutes later and we were walking into a shop not too far from our house.

Thankfully, we didn't let his cousin do it. I decided that I'm a grown woman with a full time job... I'll pay a professional to stab me in the face. Thank you very much.

And here we are. A few days in and another hole in my face/body. It doesn't really hurt at all... it is however tender and irritating as shit. Not the ring itself, but the backing rubbing all up on my skin. I cannot wait to change this bitch to some form of hoop once it's healed a bit.

I'm not sure if I love it or hate it. I love how different I look (even if other people don't think so, I think so) but I hate how irritated my skin feels right now. Mostly, I'm just trying not to be a big ass whiny baby and suck it up and let this thing heal up. I think I'm really going to be into it though. You know, at the end of the line and such. TBD. *insert dramatic eye roll here*

Dev even put his former lip piercing back in. He had his done in his early twenties but hasn't worn it in years. Now? We fancy. 

I also feel like it's worth mentioning we got a bonsai tree as well. His name is Seth Green.

I don't know about you, but I'm feeling 22. ❤️❤️🎉 *insert emotions*

Twenty-two years ago today, this little guy was born and I have to say, getting to be his mama has been one of the very happiest things of my entire life. From his grumbly kisses to his meerkat habits, he’s truly a gift from something greater than myself. Happy Birthday, to my little baby and eternal soft spot, Tayderbug!

He apologized to all the nurses for having to see his junk. *because surgery*

Things have been calm and crazy lately. I know, that sounds insane and you would be correct to assume I'm rambling from multiple cups of caffeine (aka, liquid coffee gold). That doesn't change the facts however.

Things have been crazy... 

Dev finally had his surgery 3/17, but things didn't go how we would have liked. He went through the entire procedure, but they were unable to get his heart to misfire while he was under, so he basically has full recovery with no benefits. It was a kick to the gut when the doc told us it wasn't a success, but he's also not giving up and we're just going to have to look into other alternatives. 

He goes back for his follow-up on 4/10 and we'll decide where to go from there. They now think instead of SVT, he may have a cluster of cells in his heart misfiring together and they have to locate them and will try to do surgery again once they've been found. In order to do that, he's either going to have to wear a holster or have an implant put under his skin (located in the chest... kind of like a birth control implant, but not). Either one will record when his heart acts up, but I think we're leaning towards the implant as it has more effective results. 

While he's sore and stressed from the surgery not going how we would have liked, he's also optimistic and ready to take the next step to get a handle on this thing. I will say though, even though the surgery didn't work, doc said they pressed his heart damn hard and it's a strong one. It was a real nice thing to hear and definitely lifted some weight from our chests. I should have known, my baby is all heart.

Things have been calm...

With everything's that's been going on in the last four months, things have been hectic. However, Dev and I have been spending exorbitant amounts of time together and to say we both love it would be an understatement. While we love spending time together doing all kinds of things, the fact that he's been having "spells" and is now in recovery means that we've mostly been house bound in our adventures. The weather also hasn't helped with that.

A few weeks ago we loaded the pups up and made the 1.5 hour drive to Travis's to hang out for the day, but other than that, it's all been local and homey. I love getting to see him all the time and spending the evenings cuddling and talking and hanging out with each other. Most people might find that "too much" or their significant other would get under their skin, but I'd say we lucked out. We can literally spend all of our hours together and it's just like hanging out with my best friend. He truly is the gift of mine that keeps on giving.

Dev's mom even flew up for his surgery and spent the weekend with us. He picked her up from the airport on Thursday and then they both picked me up from work! She stayed through the weekend and then Sunday morning we took her back to the airport (SUPER EARLY) to catch her flight home. While we all wish it would have been better circumstances, the fact we got to see his mom and spend some time with her talking and catching up and checking in, it was so nice. She's an amazing lady and we love her to pieces.

Things have been crazy...

Dev's Pre-Op appointment was the Tuesday before his surgery. I took the day off so I could go with him and set an alarm so we could have a nice relaxing morning and then head off to the doc. Well, my alarm didn't go off and I woke up exactly four minutes before his appointment. I screamed "FUCK!" and leapt out of bed like my ass was on fire. I called the doctors office to tell them we were running late... and then I had the audacity to be aggravated at the woman on the phone because I called the wrong place. (I wasn't an asshole or anything, but I was like well shit, oops and hung up... not my finest moment). I finally got the right office... all while running around trying to put clothes on... and they informed me if we didn't get there in the next fifteen minutes we would have to reschedule, which also meant pushing the surgery. We live at least twenty minutes from his doctors office. Again, cue the fuck. 

We ended up making it to the doc office in time. I'm not going to tell you how we got there in like twelve minutes, but my husband likes to say he woke up, saw how pissed and anxiety riddled I was and decided "nope, not today, not having this argument today" and followed me and sat there until we were in the office. We laugh hysterically about it now, but at the time, not so much.

So yeah, that's where we are. Still nowhere near a conclusion, but at least on the right track to get him taken care of. We're optimistic and just keep reminding ourselves that we're strong and have each other. We'll figure things out, it's just going to take longer than what we were hoping. Until then, we'll keep doing what we're doing and spend all the time together.

I'm a genius for marrying my best friend. And if you don't believe me, refer to the picture. I look like this 98% of the time and the man treats me with nothing but adoration, affection, and understanding. Not to mention he looks at me like I hung the moon and acts as though his entire life begins when my sunshiney face rises in the mornings.

And that, my friends, is the ultimate goal. Happiness. And he is my happy.

Senor Fancypants and his little gremlin hit the town... looking extra and shit.

We went to my company's gala event this year... ok, it's not my company's event, but it's an event my company sponsors and attends? 

Following so far? Cool.

The point is, this was the first year Dev and I were invited and to say we were a bit out of our element would be an understatement. I mean, if you need to know the levels of the class where we reside versus what was all around us let me reiterate a little something that happened that should explain it all.

Me: *picks up tiny little round ball of whatever is on a little plate on our table, twirls it around and inspects it* "Dani... what's this?"

Dani: "That's butter, Katie!"

See, even their butter was so fancy it threw me off. 

We had a nice time though. Definitely different and nothing we're used to, but nice all the same. We agreed that getting all dressed up and going out somewhere to feel fancy was fun and we should definitely do it more often... even if it's not a charity and/or work event. 

Can't you just see us all decked out in all our extraness pulling up to the KFC? Pfsh, I can. 

Well, that is if D and I could eat fast food without our stomachs revolting. Eh, tomato, potato.

We spent a few hours with the crew and then we all decided to head out early. I think we all left between 8:00-8:30? It wasn't that we weren't having a nice time, we were all just tired and had other plans.

Kind of... D and I didn't really have any other plans except to hang out with our pups in pjs, catch a buzz, and cuddle where the warmth and cookies didn't end. Probably how I got started watching Hawaii Five-0 from the beginning all over again. I'm not even sorry about it, because now D gets to join in on the fun. He's seen episodes here and there with me, but never from the start.

I even tried to be a fancy adult and have a cocktail... vodka and cranberry, because isn't that the ultimate safety drink? Yeah, well, not for me it isn't apparently. I took like two-three sips of that thing and couldn't do it. Truly, I mean I physically couldn't choke it down and my stomach was like nah bro. I swear, the Katie from two years ago wouldn't even recognize lightweight me. D enjoyed his two cocktails and said he wouldn't be doing that again once we got home. The more you know.

So yeah, we got all fancy looking and froze our patooties off for an evening, but all in all it was different and we had a good time. Now if you'll excuse me, I have some cuddles to attend to.