Thursday, March 23, 2017

If you like Pina Coladas.

First things first. I am talking about the Jimmy Buffett pina colada song.... NOT the Rupert Holmes version, because apparently that's a thing? Even though, NO IT'S NOT. And what I want to talk about is how ridiculous (albeit, catchy) this song is.

No worries, I'm not a hater of Jimmy Buffet. (My entire family would disown me).

But you all have to admit that this song is a little ridiculous.... right? I mean, I can't be the only one that thinks this. The song is literally about a married couple that know absolutely NOTHING about each other, so they BOTH decide to have an affair by looking for someone in the newspaper that has similar interests such as themselves (and is probably going to be a victim by not knowing that the person they are dating is married), and as fate would have it they both show up to meet each other, because they answered the others ad.... AND THEN THEY'RE BOTH JUST TOTALLY OK WITH IT AND LAUGH TOGETHER.

How is that even possible? Do they not realize that not only were they about to commit an affair, but they also just found out that so was their spouse? That's not normal.... I mean, I know people cheat (you guys are assholes, stop it), but it's not everyday that they get caught and they all just laugh it off. Like.... huh?! You think I'm reading too much into this? (I totally am). Ok fine, we'll take a look at the lyrics.

I was tired of my lady, we'd been together too long. Yeah, that's kind of what happens when you decide to commit to one person. Like a worn-out recording of a favorite song. So, not only are you tired of her.... but you also make her sound kind of haggard? So why she lay there sleepin' I read the paper in bed. Because you wouldn't want to contemplate cheating while they're awake. And in the personal columns there was this letter I read. Also, because you were creepin' and looking for some side action.... in the personal columns!

Chorus: If you like Pina Coladas, getting caught in the rain. Rain is only sexy in the movies. If you're not into yoga, if you have half a brain. Anyone who took out a personal column to write this cannot possibly have a full brain. If you like making love at midnight in the dunes at the cape. The cape? Reealllyyy??.... I'm the love that you've looked for write to me and escape. No offense, but if they're answering this personal ad, they ain't looking for love, sweetcheeks.

I didn't think about my lady, I know that sounds kinda mean. Does it now? You have no forethought for your significant other? No, that doesn't sound like a dick move at all. But me and my old lady had fallen into the same old dull routine. You couldn't maybe just take up a hobby or go to the f*cking movies? So I wrote to the paper, took out a personal ad. Dick move. And though I'm no poet, I thought it wasn't half bad. Yes, definitely be proud of the fact you can rhyme while initiating an affair.

Yes, I like Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain. Again, RAIN IS ONLY SEXY IN THE MOVIES. I'm not much into health food, I am into champagne. Didn't anyone tell you not to drink alcohol on an empty stomach? Amateur. I've got to meet you by tomorrow noon and cut through all this red tape. Will your ad even run by tomorrow noon? Aren't you a little picky and impatient considering your current circumstance? At a bar called O'Malleys where we'll plan our escape. Escape? Dude, cool your jets, she might not even like you once she meets you.... she might think that you're very unattractive.

So I waited with high hopes and she walked in the place. You can't afford high hopes, you're an asshat. I knew her smile in an instant, I knew the curve of her face. She sounds too pretty for you. It was my own lovely lady and she said, "Oh, it's you?" Oh snap, I did NOT see that coming. Also, now she's back to your "lovely lady?" A minute ago she was a "worn-out recording." Then we laughed for a moment and I said, "I never knew." Huh?! Knew what?! That you weren't the only dirty cheater up in your house?

That you liked Pina Coladas and getting caught in the rain. You said you've been together for too long.... how do you not know what she likes to drink at this point?! AND RAIN IS NOT SEXY FOR NORMAL PEOPLE, DAMMIT. And the feel of the ocean and the taste of champagne. What does the ocean feel like? Luke warm and salty? I feel like she might get that when y'all sleep together.... and again, how do you not know what she likes to drink?!! If you like making love at midnight in the dunes on the cape. No one does this. You're the lady I've looked for, come with me and escape. You didn't need to look for her, and she didn't need to look for you, you both literally already knew each other!

-Chorus again. (**insert eye roll here).

Yes, I like Pina Coladas and getting caught in the rain. I'm tired of talking to you, bitches, about rain. I'm not much into health food, I am into champagne. I would definitely need a drink after dealing with either of you two. I've got to meet you by tomorrow noon and cut through all this red tape. There is no red tape, you guys have already seen each other naked! At a bar called O'Malleys where we'll plan our escape. Yes, all of the other patrons of O'Malleys want you to leave soon.

Do you see where I'm going with all of this? The point is, while it is a catchy song (so damn catchy), if you listen to the lyrics too closely and put too much thought into it, you are also going to be sitting there, like me, thinking.... what in the actual f*ck is even happening?

Cheers. (But not with Pina Coladas.... because gross).