I should be better at this by now.

This year has been difficult.... and challenging.... and heartbreaking.... and frankly, honestly, just f*ck this entire year.

Aunt Poot called me at 4:11am this morning and as soon as my phone rang, I knew something was wrong. As soon as I saw that it was Aunt Poot, I knew it was even worse than what I was imagining. She called to tell me that my Aunt Winnie passed away this morning. Apparently, she had been having trouble breathing, and my Uncle Robbie called 911, but by the time they got there, they were unable to resuscitate her. Not unlike Momma.

Now, with the year that my family has had.... Momma suddenly passing in January.... Dani's dad (Stanley B.) passing in April.... Aunt Linda passing in May.... Uncle Clyde getting diagnosed with Stage3 cancer.... D's sister losing her baby.... not to mention all of the extended family and what they've gone through.... you would think that we were getting better at seeing things like this coming and handling the situations to the best of our abilities with strong perseverance.

But, that's just not the case.

You see, I feel incredibly selfish and ridiculous. I lost Momma in January and ever since then, my emotions have been a roller coaster ride that just won't end. While I try to move forward and get things in order, waves of emotions and depression hit me like a ton of bricks. So, for every step I attempt to take forward, I end up getting pushed back four. It's incredibly frustrating and in all honesty, overwhelming.

My brother has informed me that my Momma would be mad and disappointed in me. She would be mad that I'm still grieving her being gone and she would be disappointed in the ways that I keep the house, how much I drink, how I deal with my depression, and that I haven't "moved on." Whether he's right or wrong (or, just being the dick that is my brothers personality), I can't seem to do anymore than what I am.

I try. But, I apparently do not succeed.

What hasn't changed is the fact that most days I just want to stay and or get into bed and not move. I know that sounds pathetic and/or insane, but it's just how I feel. I know I should want to, but I don't want to participate in things.

Going to work? No. I do because I have to, but I don't enjoy it anymore (I have always enjoyed working). Grocery shopping? Ugh. Family gatherings? Pass. Doctor visits? Hard no. Throughout the week I manage to pull myself out of bed in the mornings for work, but once I get home or on the weekends, all I want to do is climb right back in.

And this morning, I find myself questioning my entire personality. You see, I feel like I should be better at this by now. I feel like I should be able to offer comfort and support. I should know what to say to make things feel easier and I should know what to do to make people feel more at ease. I've been in this situation, I know the feelings, and yet, I am unable to do what needs to be done for other people.

Why? Because I'm still learning how to do it all for myself. I am aware that I should be better at this, and that I should have, according to my brother, "moved past this" but I just can't seem to do it. It still takes everything I have in me to get myself through each and every day, and some days I'm so exhausted that I can't even seem to move, but I feel like I should be able to do more. More for them, more for me, more for the universe, I guess.

I should be able to comfort my cousin and uncle and tell them that everything will be ok and that it gets easier, but I also can't bring myself to lie. And I feel like it would be lying, because even though people keep telling me these things and I see them in other people's lives, I can't seem to experience it for myself, therefore I can't repeat them to others. For that reason, here I stand. Somewhere in Limbo, not really sure where to go or what to do next.... and definitely unsure of what to do with myself or how to handle absolutely anything.

So yeah.... that's where we're all at. Just trying to make it through this ridiculous f*cking year that is 2019. And trying, beyond all logic and reason, to just keep going. Why? Because I am my Momma's daughter and that's what she taught me to do.

What would Jimmy Dugan say?

(Good thing she plays softball).

As I said earlier, Solae is playing softball again this year. She played last year, but this year has been so much better. Well, not weather wise, but everything else wise. The weather this year has sucked (for the most part) on a whole other level. In all fairness though, it's not just the softball season that's been affected by this weather. If we're being honest, most things have been affected by it. Mostly, I've had to redo a shit ton of yard work. Because hail. So there's that.

Aside from that though, the kid has had a pretty good season. They've lost a couple of games, but to me, that's just a part of learning how to deal with "the game." They're still young and learning the parts that they excel the most in. Solae seems to be a great catcher to me (but she hates it, so she won't attempt to "hone her skills" as one would say), she enjoys being on first base, but the coach usually ends up putting her on third.

This past Friday their team had a game on the "fancy field" (it has lights and they announce their names like an actual pro game) at eight o'clock. And I know what you're thinking, and you're correct in that thinking, I totally didn't want to be out that late on a Friday night (because I like my house and hate people), but we all piled up and went anyway.

And it was cold, and rainy (Shantel was freezing us all by being in a teeny tiny dress that looked more like a cute bikini cover to me), and miserable, but she was beyond excited and they played one hell of a game. They ended up scoring and winning a total of 20-9. They would have won by more than that, but the coaches insisted on playing one last inning so their team had a chance to "catch up" and "win." And most of the girls were immediately cocky and I had to knock them down a couple of pegs by telling them to quit strutting around, because that other team could very well beat the snot out of them with a whole other inning. And once the other team made a run, they got serious.

But Momma and I rode home with Aunt Poot (we rode to the game with Aunt Mary), and she stopped and we got Taco Bell for supper, so I ask you- who's the real winner here?! That would be me. 

I reset my alarm clock three times this morning.

(I never do that shit).

Dude, I know that Easter was almost a week ago, but I assume that it's ok, because St. Paddy's Day was almost a month ago and I wasn't around for that either. You win some, you lose some. And in all honesty, Momma and I finished It's Always Sunny a few weeks ago (yes, we watched all ten seasons over a period of time) and now I really just don't know what to do with my life. You call it sad, I call it what I like to do. We'll agree to disagree.

I really did reset my alarm clock three different times this morning. I've never been one to do that. Even when I was a kid I was always the one that got up out of bed as soon as my alarm went off. Technically I probably don't even need an alarm, because I wake up before it even goes off and just wait for it. When I used to spend the night with my friends they would get super pissed, because their parents would say it was time to get up and I would shoot straight up out of bed while they laid there in protest. I've just always got immediately up.

But today was not one of those days.

I didn't even ever fall back asleep or anything. I just laid there with Tayder under the blankets all snuggled in and listened to that damn dodo-bird that lives outside my window. And no, I'm not sure that it's a dodo-bird, but that's what I call it. If I didn't already have an arch nemesis, this bird would take that title. Luckily for him, that title is already taken and I don't like when animals of any kind get hurt. BUT ONE OF THESE DAYS, BIRD!!

Oh yeah, so back to Easter. We went down to Aunt Poot/ Uncle Darrell's (as per our holiday tradition). We ended up making potato salad, pea salad (vomit), deviled eggs, mac and cheese, and mini cheesecakes. But not just any kind of mini cheesecakes. Momma found a recipe online that she wanted to try so we ended up making caramel apple cheesecakes. Except it was the first time that I had ever made caramel and the recipe said that it went from caramel to burnt really quickly, and I got scared, so we ended up having light caramel. It still tasted pretty good though. And I dyed the deviled eggs multiple colors for Uncle Darrell. And then a day and a half later they (Aunt Poot, Uncle Darrell, and Solae) left for Florida for almost a week. But not because of the eggs, so it's all good.

I'm so glad that it's Friday. It's been kind of a long week, but also not really. You can probably tell that I'm delirious. It's supposed to be rainy/cold this weekend (because the weather is going through menopause) and I kind of just want to crawl up in the chair with Tayder and chill with him and Momma while we watch- Diners, DriveIns, and Dives. Ah, now that's a good time.

We shall see how all of that goes.

Somewhere between eighteen and eighty- seven.

(I may or may not be exaggerating more than slightly).

This past Saturday was my twenty- sixth birthday. 26. Veintiséis. No matter how many times or however many languages that I say it, it still sounds so strange to me.

I'm twenty- six. No longer classified as early twenties and certainly creeping up on that thirty mark much sooner than what I expected. Am I still considered mid- twenties or is that reserved for twenty- five year olds only?! I was twenty- five practically a cough ago, so come on guys, cut me some slack!!

The strangest thing about all of this is that I don't feel twenty- six. Or, I may feel twenty- six and I just haven't realized it yet. I'm not sure, because I've never been this old before. I wrote a letter to a friend of mine the day after my birthday and told him that it's funny. It's funny that I am eight years past eighteen, but still feel exactly like I did then (with slightly more back pain).

But in any event, age is a state of mind and luckily for me, I have and forever will be a little old lady at heart. And you might not see it now, but ask anyone that knows me or has known me for any amount of time and they will tell you that I've always had little ole lady tendencies (and not just because I like to keep hard candy and tissues in my purse).

And now here I am. Twenty- six and some odd days old. Somewhere between feeling eighteen and eighty- seven. I celebrated with Momma's chili and cake. And all was good (the chili, cake, and day in general).

On the last day of November.

(Because I couldn't think of a different title).

I can't believe that it's already that time of year to send out Christmas cards. And yes, I am very "old schooled" like that and feel the need to send out Christmas cards. I just think that it's a little something nice to do to let people know that you are in fact thinking about them (even the ones that you might not like that much). I only send cards to those I love the most (plus one or two, because I feel obligated now).

I'm trying to feel very optimistic for this coming year. Afterall, I'm not getting any younger (here comes 26..... oh, 25..... we barely knew one another.....) and I've always been a fairly optimistic person in the first place. Even when things are completely horrible, I try to find a silver lining. It's both a curse and enlightening.

But, not to jump too far ahead of myself (I've had a bit too much sugar for this early in the day- you think that my body would just be used to it by now). We're one day away from December 2015 and I'm just now having to wear my heavy coat outside (I leave for work at 6:00 am- it's real cold then!). Not to mention that I'm in a good mood today. I don't have a reason for it, I just am. I'm both happy and suspicious of it..... it happens that way alot for me.

What can we expect in December? Who in the hell knows. I myself am no psychic and I kind of like "flying by the seat of my pants" or however that saying goes. But I think we should all make a list of "maybes" that might happen in December (and follow into the new year).

• Maybe: you'll finally put up that pesky Christmas tree that they've been bugging you about (but you'll probably be drunk for it, because that's the only way to decorate)
• Maybe: you'll look that guy up on social media, because you think he may no longer be a psycho (he's probably still a psycho, but- YOLO)
• Maybe: you'll finally lose that extra pesky 45-60 pounds that you've just been keeping out of pure laziness (or maybe you'll decide to keep them for warmth and your inherent laziness- whatevs, they're not that bad)
• Maybe: you'll finally wear something besides sweats on the weekends (most definitely not, because you love them and they understand you, why mess with a great thing?)
• Maybe: you'll get your Christmas cards sent out on time, so they are delivered before Valentines Day (but then again, you always start out with the best of intentions)

See how I kid? I really just wanted an excuse to write something today, anything really. I could write about a million things, but honestly, none of them really stood out to me like I wanted them to. There were things to write about in my personal life (nothing juicy, so don't be too sad) and we all know that there are many things happening out in the world to talk about (but I do not want to get into the battle of politics, religious views, vaccination protocols, etc.), I just didn't know where to start, so I started from the place that I always start-

RAMBLING. 
Here's hoping I make it through the rest of this Monday.

No one has used that "group" since May.

(I think we were trying to channel the Brady Bunch).

This past Saturday the women in my family got together (minus a few that already had plans) like we do from time to time. We met up at Aunt Susi's house around eleven(ish- more like twelve) and were there until around two. I think. I can't be trusted with an actual/accurate timeline.

This whole "group" thing started years and years ago, with the sisters getting together to hang out, eat and make crafts. It was originally called- "sisters" or "sister get-together" or something like that, because it was originally just of course, the sisters in the family.

And over the years they started bringing their daughters and inviting the daughter-in-laws and it kept growing and then drama broke out (because how is there not drama when that many people that don't see each other, but once a year get together?) and they stopped having it.

And then this past year around December, Aunt Susi brought up the idea of having it again. You know, because the ones of us that come just want to get together, talk a bit, maybe eat or drink a little something and leave. We want no drama. Basically, because I hate it and it's tiring.

Her and Dani discussed it and Aunt Susi decided that she would be in charge of planning, since it was her idea and she would want something to do when she retired come May. (And if we're being honest here, she has OCD- besides the point). And her first executive decision as "group planner" was to have Dani make a FB page and add all of the ones that would be coming (and actually had FB), that way we could all post in it about our plans, pictures and etc. You know, so no one would be left out.

And that worked for about a couple of months (when Dani would post in it) and then I'm not really sure what happened. Everybody kind of just resorted to texting, because they got just so "up in the air" and people were responsible for telling other people, and then some people got forgotten, and then there really weren't definitive plans and people were showing up and others weren't. It was just a cluster f*** of a situation.

And the last post that was made in the FB group entitled- "The Girls" was by Dani on May 6th. That was, until I noticed it this morning while I was perusing (insomnia- party of one) FB and decided to post something, since it hadn't been used in almost six months. In case you're wondering (you're totally not), I posted a picture of Aunt Winnie from this past Saturday with fake, orange vampire teeth in her mouth and multi-colored feathers in her hair. Because that shit was hilarious.

Originally, we were all supposed to try and get together every other month. And it's very amusing to me that our first one was in February and the next one was May, which means that we were late right out of the gate.

After our Mothers Day get together, it was just kind of put off, because a bunch of shit just started going down. Like, people were going on vacations and others were moving, then a couple went to the hospital and so on and so forth. The point is, we all just kind of thought that we weren't doing it anymore, because we hadn't in around five months.We had all seen each other and spent time together, just not all of us at the same time. And now that I think about it, I think that Momma, Patsy and I are the only ones that see Shantel away from these things. Not the point. Also, most of us got together in September to have lunch with Aunt Linda before she went back down to Florida. But Dani and I couldn't stay long, because we were on our lunch break and a couple others were working. Momma and Poot had just come from the doctor. Aunt Susi had an appointment. Again, it was just all over the place and not considered a "get together".

Then Aunt Susi said "they" decided to have one on October 17th. (And by "they" I mean she decided and Aunt Mary seconded her vote, because they were the only two there- don't worry, we're all fine with that). And it "had to" be October 17th, because our company picnic was the 10th (a lot of our family works at, is retired from or is married to someone who works at the company that Dani and I do) and I guess my cousin Corey (whom I don't even talk to and haven't in years) is getting married on the 24th (only Aunt Susi and Aunt Mary are going to his wedding, and maybe Shantel and them, I don't know, but whatever you get that some people are going). Dani made the mistake of asking why it couldn't be on a Friday evening or Sunday. There was an answer, but I don't even remember what it was.

So, the ones of us that could make it (there were a few that had previous plans already in place, and the "get together" was kind of late notice) headed on over to Aunt Susi's last Saturday. And we all had a good time. We laughed, cut up, took pictures, talked, and Aunt Susi and Aunt Mary made all of us facinators to wear as a joke/craft. It was real cute and we agreed to have a Christmas "get together" (that is apparently going to be at Aunt Mary's and Aunt Susi is supposed to let us all know when, what time and what to bring).

Personally, I think we should use the group to put plans out there. We'll still all text each other and talk about it when we see each other. BUT if we put it on FB where everyone is tagged, then people can't say they weren't invited, didn't know about it, and then we'll just all have it right there where we can all see it. Makes sense to me, we'll see how this goes. (By the way, I hope Aunt Susi makes those brownies she made this past Saturday for the next one, because they were delicious!!).

The women in my family like alcohol.

As everyone knows, this past weekend was Independence Day. And while not everybody knows, some people that read along with my life (Sorry I'm not more interesting) know that I had a three day weekend last week. (Friday, Saturday and Sunday). It was very busy and not at all busy at the same time. I know that makes absolutely no sense. You're probably thinking- "No hussie, it either was or wasn't busy". But let me explain.

It was busy, we were constantly doing something, but we didn't feel rushed and we just had fun with it. We made a crap ton of food and by the time Josh's cookout rolled around, there was enough food for us and the neighbors. And to go along with all of this food, there was alcohol.

Now, don't take this a bad way, but we have some pretty substantial alcoholics in our family and a few borderline. Give us a case, we'll give you a hug.....after we drink the case. We should put that motto on our family crest. We should also get a family crest. Minor detail.

Before we began cooking and the whole family got there, Sherry cracked open a bottle of wine. It was delicious. And then another bottle. And then she made Josh go down the road to the liquor store and buy more. 4.5 bottles between Sherry, Momma, Aunt Poot and I later we were feeling pretty good. Momma only had a couple sips of her glass before Poot finished it off quick, fast and in a hurry. Momma doesn't really drink, because of her medicine. And Aunt Poot usually doesn't drink, but she was feeling it pretty good and drank her fair share that day.

Then Shantel, Uncle Robbie and Aunt Winnie showed up and we commenced to opening the bottle of Crown (to make Water Moccasins). And then we ran out of that bottle and Shantel got another. We went through half of that and Poot and I called it in. Her, because she surpassed being drunk long ago and me, because I didn't want to be "that" drunk. And you know what I mean when I say be "that" drunk.

Before we went down to the lot for fireworks, Momma, Poot and I ran home to let the Tayderbug out to potty and somehow got shanghai'd into taking Zeus with us. While I was taking Tayder out, Zeus jumped onto Poot's stomach and she had to swallow her own puke. We're very ladylike in this family.

Then we all went down to the lot for fireworks. We were just all talking and having a good time, watching the festivities. Remember when I said that we all stopped drinking long ago? Shantel did not follow our lead. She proceeded to get that ridiculous kind of drunk, fight with her friend and start screaming and crying like someone was making her watch Old Yeller. Fun times. We all just ignored her and went about our merry way. We're not mean, we just don't like to deal with that crap.

All in all, we all had a great time and it was a fun three day weekend. But it's not about a three day weekend. It's about celebrating our Independence as a Nation. So, not just on Independence Day, not just on Veterans Day, or Memorial Day, but every single day- Thank a Soldier. It's because of them that we get to do the things we do and live the way that we live. With freedom.  

Can we just eat pizza for Christmas?!

You know, for being such a grinch this holiday season, I sure am busy. Today is our annual company Christmas party. And while we don't get to get sauced like back in the good ole days, it's usually a fairly decent time and it seems to make Uncle Roger happy. Therefore if Uncle Roger is happy and decompresses for a minute then the world is a joyful place.

Last Sunday at Aunt Susi's get together: Momma and Aunt Poot looking adorable and mischievous. And Dani and Jayna decorating cookies (with my awesome frosting).

Aunt Susi also had that girls get together at her house this past Sunday and it was fun. We went over early to help her make things and set up. She had me make buttercream frosting in her pretty fancy mixer and not that I'm searching for compliments or anything, but it was delicious. We all decorated cookies, laughed, talked, ate and there was absolutely no fighting/arguing. Which is a rare thing for our family. Obviously it's the guys that do it and not us girls. All of us just wouldn't do something like that. Yeah, that's it.

Last years annual company Christmas party. This is me with Uncle Darrell (he's my homie/dance partner) and my cousin Jeremy.

We also played that 'dirty santa' or 'white elephant' (Which is a dumb name. Just saying.) And some people just don't show any mercy around these parts. And even though Aunt Susi ended up with the pretty scarf (you're not sorry) it's ok, because telling Ashley why she didn't need the scarf was hilarious. Also, Shantel sat in a bunch of blueberries and usually that would stain, but I scrubbed her pants with Aunt Susi's hobo soap and IT ALL CAME OUT. It's magic soap. Dani says it would be hippie soap before it would be hobo soap, but I'm sticking to my guns on this one.

Also, Bubba, Chrissy, Johnathan, Elizabeth, and the three kids are coming up tonight so that we can do "our" Christmas. We thought that we were going to spend Christmas at their house this year (because they invited us to), but come to find out they don't even get the kids back until noon and they go to her parents at one. And while her parents invited us over for Christmas with all of them, we've met them about twice and didn't feel comfortable with that. Hence, Christmas tonight. I think that Momma is a little upset that she won't get to see Greg on Christmas day, but I guess I'll just have to get a little spirit (or at least pretend to) and watch White Christmas and make it good for her. It'll all be good.