Three years ago I didn't have words and I still don't.

Three years ago today, I wrote to my family and friends to thank them for being there with us when Momma had to have her amputation surgery. And now, three years later, with her no longer being here with me, I find myself emotional and.... heartbroken.

So, I do what I almost always do.... I write to her, about her, and for her.

When this happened, I didn't know how we were going to get through it, but I knew we would.... together. Three years later, I never thought that I would be navigating my life without Momma, even though, we almost lost her quite a few times. With this decision, I got to have another year and a half with her and that's something that can never be outdone. I would do it all over again. Every decision and worry, was completely worth it, because of her. While I miss and think about her every single day, the memories that I have are something that I will cherish for the rest of my life. 

I wish she were here with me, but I try to find solace in the fact that she is at peace and is no longer in pain. And while I would do anything to have her at our wedding, I know that somehow and someway, she will be with me not only that day, but for all of the other ones, as well. Because that's who she is. Not was, but is. I am forever grateful to have had a mother, best friend, confidant, lifeline, and most importantly, my heart all wrapped up into one amazing person that I got to spend almost twenty-nine years of my life with. 

I love you, Momma. Always have, always will. 

When the game stands tall. (July 2017).

While I am not one for over emotions or letting people into my personal business (or space, for that matter), I feel the need to say this.

Sometimes in life, unexpected things happen, and not always is it a welcomed surprise. There are times that an event or circumstance comes forth and whether it's to test your resilience, strength, or some kind of strange joke that no one finds amusing, we have to learn how to deal and take what comes our way. No matter how much we try to avoid and plan.... sometimes, life decides to divert from whatever your "game plan" was (even if it's not all that great of a "game plan" to begin with).

(Before I start, let me just say, she's ok).

On July 5th we had to rush Momma to the ER. What started as something that we had thought was the flu (she had all symptoms of the flu and no outward appearance of anything else), turned out to be so much more devastating and life altering. She had an infection in her foot that had been brewing for quite some time and a certain event had aggravated it enough to make it make its grand appearance. In a matter of twelve hours, my sweet, loving, caring, vibrant mother became lethargic, incoherent, septic, and fell out of consciousness. With that situation presented, I had to make some decisions that no one ever wants to make, but sometimes have to be made nevertheless. They informed me that if I didn't make these decisions, that I would not have my mother longer than a few hours. So, I made them, and I would do it again.... a thousand times over.

On Friday evening, she had surgery. It was scary and sad and something that we could have never seen coming. But you know what? Because of this, we still have her, and that is something that is invaluable. To say the progress that she has made since July 5th, and from the hour of her surgery, is impressive would be the most vast understatement of the century. Every single person that she's come in contact with is beyond impressed by her resilience, progress, determination, and good nature. She's got probably the most positive outlook of any person that I have ever met. We've got a long road ahead of us, but we're more than willing to do it. She's got a lot of work ahead of her, as this is not just a physical change, but one of emotion, mentality, and lifestyle in general. But we're doing it, and we will continue to do it.

I say all of that, so I can say this.

The amount of love, support, respect, and understanding that we.... that I.... have received during this time is beyond anything that I could have ever imagined. I always knew that I was lucky to be surrounded by the loving people that I have in my life, but I don't think you can ever truly grasp any of it until you don't know how you're going to get through something, and they're standing next to you to remind you that you can and you most definitely will. I've always prided myself on being the "strong" one. There have been very few times in my life that my emotions have gotten the best of me and I most certainly hate asking for help. I always have and I believe I always will. Y'all didn't make me ask. Never once did I have to ask, beg, or even doubt. You were just there for any and all things. I've never understood what someone meant when they said they were surrounded by their "tribe" and I always thought it was kind of silly.... but I get it now. You offered every kind of support imaginable, and when I was stubborn, you made me take it anyways. I don't think that there are words I could say or any way that I can ever repay you and make you understand how much all of it has meant to me. Seriously, thank you. I know that sounds a little plain, but I can honestly think of nothing better. You have no idea how much this has meant to me and how grateful that I am. From the bottom of my heart, and the sincerest part of myself, thank you. I love y'all more than you'll ever know.

We have a long road ahead, but I have no doubt we'll do it, and you have all been, and continue to be, a big part of that. I tried to put it into words, but there really aren't any that do it. So instead, I say, thank you beyond words and I love you beyond measure.