It feels hollow and cold... there's just a massive piece missing.💔

The last four days have been... debilitating. I can think of no other word that encompasses the feeling of this. It's sad and I feel cold... down to my bones and throughout my entire body. There's a hollow feeling in my chest and three out of four times when I open my mouth to speak... tears.

We had to say goodbye to our baby, Xur-Xur. 

My big, strong, cuddly grizzly bear got too sick too fast and there was nothing we could do. Literally... nothing. We tried... I begged... BEGGED the vet to give me any other option to where my baby could have a good life and we could keep him. But... there was nothing.

It all started with that hip... when he originally hurt it we made him take it easy and we iced. It seemed to be getting better... slowly but surely... and then he hurt it again. So... we started over with the rest and the ice and again... it started doing better. But then, last week it reverted and kept getting worse instead of better. So... Thursday we loaded our baby up and took him to the doctor.

We had no clue what they were going to tell us. We assumed he would be loaded up on meds... have to have physical therapy... maybe even surgery. Our "worst case scenario" was an amputation or something, because again, we had no clue what was going on. But, he was in constant pain and getting around was terrible for him... so... doctor.

But the news we got... what the fuck? Our baby wasn't just hurt. Our baby had advanced and aggressive osteosarcoma that had already metastasized to his lungs. Our vet pulled up the xrays and my baby was lit up like a fucking Christmas tree. I went through all the options... everything... trying to find some route that let Xur stay with us, but make sure he could have a good quality of life as well. 

And then that vet had to essentially look me in my eyes and tell me there was absolutely nothing we could do for him that wouldn't make him feel a thousand times worse than he already did. Once we came to that fork in the road and we knew there was no "saving" or "improving" we asked how long we would have with him. And if shit wasn't bad enough, he again had to look me in the eyes and tell me they could give me enough meds to keep him "comfy" so we could "have the weekend" but extending it past that would be... well... not recommended.

With that devastating news... we loaded our baby in the car and brought him home and spent Thursday night through Monday morning together. We did everything we possibly could to make him comfy, shower him with affection and love, and just try to make him see how much we love him. He ate all the foods he usually doesn't get (and was a big fan of bacon), got as many cuddles as we could give (you know, the kind we could give because we had to be careful not to hurt him). He had visitors and even his Gma flew up from Florida on Sunday evening so he could spend some time with her.

By the time we were supposed to take him in on Monday, it was very clear to us why they said not to extend any longer. In a matter of three days our baby had lost even more weight (he had already lost a ridiculous amount in a small amount of time), his leg was six times the size it should have been, he could hardly move, his breathing was labored at best and he was never comfortable. Essentially, he was hurting but holding on for us.

But even with all that going on and knowing what we knew... having to make that decision is fucking haunting. No, I didn't want my baby to be hurt or sick... I wanted him to be the free-loving wild card he's always been and I wanted to cuddle him and kiss him and keep him forever. Once that option was no longer on the table... the anger, sadness, disbelief, and emptiness started rearing it's ugly head.

There are so many questions that we'll never have answers to. The fact that we are very much NOT ok with the circumstances doesn't change them. And I know everybody whose ever loved has to deal with this, it's a fact of life, but knowing that doesn't help get you through it when it's your turn.

I want my baby back. I want my grizzly bear to give me cuddles and keep me warm. I want him to get up with me first thing in the morning and wander the house and check in on things while I'm getting ready. I want to be outside with him in the dark to feel safe and I want about fourteen million more excessive kisses. I want to lay my head on his chest and burrow in.

I am not ok. My husband is not ok. And our other two babies are not ok. Xur-Xur not being with us has left a massive hole and none of us know how to fill it. I know we'll move forward together... we love each other... we're a family... but I would be lying if I said our family didn't feel a little lost and broken right now. He was the glue and the comfort and the warmth and how do you account for that when it's no longer there?

We know we did the right thing. Deep down in our bones, we know. We would never want Xur in pain and only wanted amazing things for him. He was the best pieces of both me and Dev that we had to offer the world. But knowing it was right, and coming to terms with it are completely different. We didn't want this... we wanted our baby. I still want my baby and honestly, I kind of want to crawl into a ball and cry and scream until somebody gives me my way. Except, they can't. Because no one or nothing can fix this. And that fucking sucks.

I don't know what happens from here. I don't know what our family is supposed to do or what the dynamic is or how any of this is going to work. We're all just so very lost and so fucking sad.

We all love our Xur-Xur something fierce, we'll miss him always and there will never be another pup that is like him. He was unique and had so much damn love to give. I miss him... I'll continue to miss him... our family will always love and miss him.

He may no longer be here next to us, but he's very much still here. In our minds... in our hearts. In every decision I have to make where love is involved, that's his sweet spot.

Rest easy, my big ole grizzly bear. Thank you so very much for letting me be your mama... it was the greatest gift and something I'll never be able to repay you for. You keep watching out for us and we'll continue to carry you with us until the day we come to join you. I love you so much, Bubs.

Chaa... chaaa... chaaaannnggeeeeessss.

When Dev and me said we weren't fuckin having it in 2024... we weren't playing. The amount of changes and decisions that have been made to put our best foot forward into an amazing life together, just for us, is astronomical. 

Two steps forward and one step back is still a step forward.

I don't know what it is or what exactly happened but it was like one day I had this epiphany that I wanted to live a happy life full of laughter and spectacularness with Dev and I didn't give a shit what anyone had to say about it. I wanted to be so different than what I've ever had the opportunity in life to be.

And since that moment... whatever it was... Dev has been my never-ending support... both in emotion and spine. Yeah, 2024 is in fact the year I decided to reinforce my spine and start handling life the way it was coming at me and not the way I thought I had to.

It's been fucking spectacular.

I feel like my body and mindset will forever feel the need to jump into survival mode... fight or flight at this point is ingrained... but there's a peace to knowing somebody has my back in all things... hands down... no questions asked... just mine.

With all that said... changes. More changes in the list that is 2024.

We sold the Juke. And we sold the Juke for a number of reasons... my favorite one being that it allowed us to pay off that pesky credit card that happens to be the bane of my fucking existence. Selling it made our car insurance go down a bit. We also sold it because while Dev said it was in fact his dream car (he's had it for five years), it's also not super practical for a man that stands at 6'3. Look at us... being adults and shit.

While we were hopeful we had a year or two (maybe even three?) left in Judy... I think we're gonna have to bite the bullet and upgrade. It doesn't feel like it's been that long but I looked the other day and it's going on three years. Which isn't alot... but is considering we've got an extra almost 100,000 miles on that motherf*cker since it's been in the family. In our defense we didn't think we were gonna get a new car and then immediately have to make like a dozen trips to FL right after. It wouldn't be the worse to upgrade... we need more space for our pups... Judy worked great for two big pups and a small pup but three big ones is pushing it. Xur and Sparkles ain't getting younger and Steve ain't getting smaller. The only thing that makes me anxious is the payment. If we can stay around the same or not go up by much, I'm good. But, I just can't justify a $1,000/month car payment. Who the fuck can afford that? So... we'll see. It's definitely on the list. We are a traveling family.

Xur's hip is still hurt. We were honestly hoping it was just one of those injuries that needed time but it's not getting any better... so I think our boy may have to go to the vet. It's obviously not constantly in pain but it's immobile and super sensitive. I don't know what they'll do but the more Dev and me talk... the more I think he may have to go get a workup.

Our water heater went out. Again. And my front tire on Judy is going flat. Again. Both those things are on the list to fix in the next... oh I don't know... somewhere between the next two mental breakdowns.

I don't even want to get into the whole battery for the Juke/my brother story... another day perhaps. *cue eye roll*

Dev's client base is starting to pick up a bit more as time goes on. He's still doing the mobile thing but we've also set the house up where clients can come over and he can work from home too. Don't get me wrong... we don't want everybody in our house... but we also don't want him in everybody else's house... you know? We've talked about converting the garage/mancave shed into an "in home" tattoo studio situation and while the plans aren't set in stone, we've got some real good ideas.

So yeah... just a little catchup and some plans. 2024 has been hectic but we're all just trying our best. Dev and me are doing all we can to make ourselves and each other happy because we promised each other... if we got married we would be as happy as possible and live the exact life we wanted.

Lucky for us, we don't need much to make us happy. And honestly, that's my favorite part,

It's been four years of saying, "my husband." Yeah, that's the good shit.

Who would have thought we'd not only be MARRIED... but also here we sit... on our fourth anniversary.

Lord only knows the amount of crow I've had to eat because of this man. I swore for the majority of my young life (like... almost the entire first thirty years) that I would NEVER get married because I didn't feel the need to tie myself to someone. And yeah, I know that sounds harsh and maybe a little cynical... but I said what I said.

It was my plan and it was a good plan. Worked out well for me... kind of. I did what I wanted when I wanted and I always had that card in my back pocket of... well... it's not like we're married? So no... I didn't have to justify anything to anyone.

(Years later, I would learn my disdain for marriage stemmed from fear... something I learned with the help of my husband.)

Except... there was a bump off in that plan. When I was fifteen, I met Dev and he quickly became one of the very most important people in my entire life. We went though it all... the good, the bad... the devastating. No matter what we faced or who tried to bring us down... he was mine... and I was his... and that was that.

We had dreams and made plans... but like with most things in life... we were derailed by others decisions.

More than a decade later... Dev came back into my life at a time when neither of us knew it would be the most heart wrenching. I still had the same mindset... no marriage... but we wanted to spend our lives together and set out to do just that.

There's always the bad... no one throughout their lives escape that... but the bad isn't as terrible with your soul standing right next to you to back you up.

Over time, it became abundantly clear to me that he was my solace. My peace... some would say my True North while I attribute the light he brings into my life to be more akin to Aurora Borealis. He is quintessentially my person and I would never want to imagine what life would be without him.

So on the day he asked me to marry him... the day he said he got down on his knee completely expecting me to say no and was so nervous he almost peed down his leg... I didn't hesitate... surprising both of us with my immediacy... when I said yes.

And since that day... I've been giddy. Excited... happy. Because instead of being afraid of what could be... I decided to embrace what actually is. And what is... is the most amazing life filled with happiness, laughter, joy, and an overabundance of love and affection.

Even Jelly looks happy that I’ve been a Glisson for four years. Happy Anniversary, MoGator. You make up the best pieces of my life and make me feel the sunshiniest. I love you so deep in my bones, I don’t know how my muscles hold up.

This weekend was not quite a shitshow... but not at all restful either.

You ever have one of those weekends that you're so busy or something is happening and it throws everything all the way off? Happened to me. Like... just now.

I honestly thought running to do my main weekend errand on Friday would put us ahead and jumpstart a fun little time. It did not. Instead... once we had everything settled and snuggled in for the night (where I had finally convinced my hubby to watch a horror movie because spooky season!)... we learned our internet was down. So I contacted support and they informed me they had to have a technician come out to work on the line and he would be there... Sunday.

Ok then.

Saturday Dev had a tattoo appointment to finish up Bonehead's forearm and Sum's ankle. The day started off weird... Dev slept in because we were up super late trying to get things situated on Friday... but our pups had me up at a bright and early six thirty. Because children. I ran to the store, waited on Dev to wake up, and hung with the pups. Once we made it to Bonehead's what we thought would be a three hours (tops) appointment turned into like a six hour thing. Babies will do that to a timeframe.

Ok then. (But that chili was bomb!)

Sunday... again... weird. Our service technician showed up at noon... and was there over three hours. Apparently new cable for everything had to be run and it took some damn doing. It wasn't a problem... just threw the whole day off. I mean, it cut out the entire middle of the day and made things... I don't know... random? Later last night I decided it would be a good idea to wrestle around with Dev... because I'm a child... and he picked my little ass up and chucked me onto the bed. Ha... fun right?! Nope. Steve thought it would be a good idea to leave her very red... very hard... bone on the bed and it got introduced to my spine. 

Ouch.

And to top it all off... my little XurXur's left leg is still a wreck. We still don't know what's wrong with it... thought maybe it was a pulled or torn muscle but it doesn't seem to be getting any better. We're making him take it as easy as possible and I'm giving him meds but I'm starting to think we just might have a three-legged dog now. Either way, I love him more than life itself... so whatever we gotta do for him moving forward, we will. Maybe this is our new normal.

Finally... this happened earlier last week but I feel it deserves a mention... Dev broke his toe... again. This is like the third or fourth toe in the last three or four years... poor guy can't catch a foot break. This time it's his middle toe on his left foot. He's getting around better now... you know... until he accidentally hits it on something or one of our pups steps on it.

So yeah... that's what the Glisson's did all weekend and where we all stand. A little hobbled and sleepy... but good.

Why does this always happen to me when my husband isn't there?!

There I was... minding my own business... heading home from work... fifteen minutes early because we had a company meeting today and Dani let me cut out... taking my time and being more cautious... because well... Hurricane Helene brought her bullshit up here... approaching my first round-about... and boom... rear-ended.

Seriously?! That's what I get for having the audacity to be excited to cut out of work early. 

I'm fine... Doug Judy is fine... the little lady that rear-ended me is fine... her car is... well... she'll probably have to get that looked at. Bless her heart... she was the sweetest little thing and felt so damn terrible. Apparently she had just gotten her car back this morning and she said when she hit the brake... her car accelerated.

Whether she overestimated her car's ability or underestimated the distance because her frontend and my back... I don't know... but I truly hope she gets her car fixed and that everything is ok with her moving forward. I don't want her driving around in a faulty car... hopefully whatever the issue is, she's ok.

Poor thing... I got out of my car to check on her once we pulled to the side (and I looked in my rearview and confirmed she wasn't a giant pissed off dude ready to beat my ass for some bullshit... been there)... and I think she honestly thought I was gonna start yelling and being mean to her or something. She looked that scared.

I got her calmed down and let her know I was fine... my car was fine (it's barely a little noticeable dent in my bumper)... and waited until the police showed up to write the report... forty minutes later... but that's neither here nor there. Shit is confusing to me but we got it figured out. I didn't have to do anything... and as far as I know she's good.

So yeah... instead of fifteen minutes early... I was forty-five minutes late. Happy Friday.

The most amazing time of anything ever in the existence of all of it.

Y'all... I literally just had the most amazing experience and even though it happened like three days ago... I'm still very AAAAHHHHHH!!!! about it.

I got to see... live in concert... my favorite performer in the history of ever... JELLY ROLL.

And when I say it was good... it was SO GOOD. The dude literally has me walking on cloud nine and smiling so hard my face hurts. Jelly was literally the first artist I ever followed starting from the underground. I remember hoping to find mixtapes (how old did that just make me sound?) back in the day... and didn't care if I had to swipe from a party or friend!

Welcome to the Trap House? Nah... Welcome to my favorite musician to ever grace the presence of a stage in general.

I didn't think I was ever going to get to see Jelly perform live. While I love him... TicketMaster is NOT exactly in our regularly scheduled budget. However... I married the most amazing man on the planet and I mean, he had to descend from greatness, right? 

Insert... my MIL. The company she works for gets tickets to basically any kind of performance that happens at the Kia Center in Orlando, FL. Sports... standup... and MUSIC. Her and my FIL make the most of the ticket grabs and she's even taken the other kids and some friends. I mean, honestly, why wouldn't you make the most of it?

She was telling us all this when we were down in FL this past April and I made the joke, "Haha... well if you ever get tickets to Jelly Roll I call dibs! I'd totally drive my ass down here just for Jelly!" Hardy har har... right?

WRONG. Not even three weeks later, Trisha Noelle got on that phone and said, "baby... see you in September!" I was so damn excited I know I had to look like 👀 and sound something like 😱. Tell me I didn't marry into the most amazing family on the planet and I'll call your fucking bluff.

FOR MONTHS I had anticipated this and was practically bouncing on my tiptoes waiting for the day we would head to Florida and by extension... JELLY. And come last Friday evening... my hubby loaded us and our babies up and on the road we were.

The concert wasn't until Tuesday night (that's right... Jelly sold out the Kia Center on a motherfucking Tuesday!), so we got to spend the weekend with the family and had a good ole time... swimming, cooking, drinking, tattooing, meeting Mitch's new gal (who happens to be adorable), and basically, just being together. 

Late nights turned into early mornings and coffee as always, keeps me going. We truly needed this vacation... and my spirit feels a little refreshed and serene.

Cut to Tuesday evening... MIL watched our babies and loaded us into an Uber to send us downtown Orlando. So many firsts... first time using Uber... first time seeing Jelly... first time having all access to a private suite at any venue... first time at the Kia Center... first time going to a concert with my hubby... first time I almost punched a security guard in the face because she was in between me and my mission to see Jelly (plus, she was just plain fucking rude)... first time I watched it rain in a building... first time I ever paid that ridiculous amount of money for two sweatshirts and one t-shirt... first time leaving my babies with a sitter... just all the firsts.

Then... the time came. JELLY took the stage and Katie started having heart palpitations. Nobody makes me feel my feelings quite like Jelly always has... afterall, there's a reason my playlist is called "Jammin' to Jelly."

Dev and I laughed and sang and cried and danced and basically just lived in the wonderment. I didn't take one picture... I was too engrossed in the stage and couldn't pull my eyes away. Luckily, once again... hubby had my back. 

IT. WAS. AMAZING.

Of course, we're back home now and back to our regularly scheduled programming... but I would be lying if I said I wasn't still walking on air. Life isn't always happy and there are plenty of things to make us feel down or try to break us... but this? This memory will last forever and the fact I got to share it with my husband made it all the more special and priceless to me.

So... shout out to my MIL- YOU'RE THE BEST AND I LOVE YOU. And shout out to my husband- I COULDN'T DO LIFE WITHOUT YOU! I LOVE YOU! And shout out to Jelly because- THAT WAS THE MOST INCREDIBLE SHOW.

Now if you'll excuse me... I have to go be a regular ole adult now. No worries... still star-eyed mentality though.

💜If you were here to see sixty... you'd deny you were sixty.💜

Today is Momma's 60th birthday and with that comes alot of emotions. Emotions that I would rather not deal with and so... I've decided to spend the day in happy instead of sadness.

I truly believe Momma looks out for me and still checks in on occasion (or maybe I'm just insane... two things can be true!) and she wants all the happiness for me. While my life looks different... it's because I'm different... I've come to learn and accept and try to process the things I've learned and realized throughout this year. 

It's been alot... and overwhelming. And while I have many things on my mind... the fact that I still love my Momma will forever reign the helm. I can't talk about her without feeling all the things... so I leave it with: 

Happy Birthday, Momma. I know you'd be just as beautiful today as you were the last day we spent together and all the days before that. I love you and I miss you and I hope... even though it's nothing like you raised or thought I would be... I truly hope I make you proud. I love you with all my pieces.

You can just go ahead and call me a gamer now.🎮🎮

That's untrue. Like... not true... AT ALL. The only game I ever played with any consistency was Mario on Nintendo... and even that was scarce. My brother was super into gaming growing up... had all the new consoles and games when they dropped... but... I was not exactly allowed to play on his gaming consoles because they were his and he didn't want me to touch them. None of my friends ever gamed when I was over... granted I was usually at work instead of hanging out... but still. I never even had a console of any kind that I was allowed to touch before my husband.

So... gamer... I am not.

And isn't that kind of hilarious? I am literally from the generation that couldn't wait to jump on board and excel with technology... surrounded by people who made gaming a fuckin Olympic sport broadcast throughout the world with more conventions than you could shake a stick at... and I got... nothing.

Seriously, for the most part I couldn't even tell you what any of those controller buttons fucking do. I mean, common sense would let me figure out a few things... but that was it. The rest? I got nothing, dude.

I always wanted to learn how to game. Not so much I wanted to be a "hardcore gamer" but I have always wanted to be able to load something up and at the very least participate. I didn't have to be great at it... shit I didn't even have to be decent... as sad as it sounds... I just wanted to be apart of it. But I learned fairly quickly... if people even let you participate at all... they get extremely irritated if you're not already on their level.

Like... HELLO?! How am I supposed to be on any level when I've never done this before a day in my fucking life? I HAVE NO LEVEL.

No matter how much desire I had to learn... I also didn't really have the inclination to buy a gaming console, pick the games, learn and play all of it by myself. Nothing about that seemed fun... it seemed like a chore. So... I let it go an resigned myself to being one of those people that just didn't do it. Having been shut down at every opportunity that had been presented... it just didn't seem worth it. Another one of those things.

But then... like he always does... my hubby had my back.

Now... he IS a gamer. The man can play any game you set in front of him... I've seen it happen. While he plays and tries all sorts of games... he reigns supreme at Call of Duty. And yes... I know there are like fourteen million COD games, but he fucking rocks them all.

Mobile. Online. Xbox. Playstation. Probably fucking board game if Monopoly has a version. The man can take two minutes and then *POOF* magic.

I love watching him play. He plays the most on his mobile and sometimes I'll just stare over his shoulder to watch what's going down. It's probably annoying as all shit... but he doesn't complain and even turns his phone a bit to give me a better angle when he notices. People probably think I'm psychotic and always checking his phone over his shoulder but honestly... we both do it. I like to watch him game and he likes to check on my reading. WE DO WHAT WE WANT.

He was always an Xbox kind of guy... but his Xbox took a dump not too long ago and we hadn't ever really replaced it... he just stuck to mobile.

AND THEN... Labor Day weekend rolled around and we were thinking of things to do for the long weekend. We already planned to spend as much time together as possible... we had our babies with us... we hung out with Mavis... tattooed of course... but then we were like ???

So Dev started telling me about his tournaments while we were having some banana bread... just a run through of everything that's been going down. I like to talk gaming with him even though I don't have the first clue what's happening. That led into the conversation of me telling him the story of why I don't know how to game even though I've always wanted to learn. He knew I didn't have the first clue to what I was doing... never had... but he had assumed it was because I just didn't care for it. Tried it and moved on.

NOPE. Just never had the opportunity presented and was flagged at every other turn. To say he didn't take kindly to his wife "never having that option as a kid" didn't sit well with him would be an understatement. Next thing I know, we made an agreement, said fuck it... and he took me to Gamestop. We walked out with a PS4, two controllers, and COD: Modern Warfare III.

And then promptly had to return the PS4 for a new one because the first was glitchy... and trade COD: MWIII for COD: Black Ops III and Smurfs Kart. Because split screen apparently isn't available for everything. Who knew? Apparently every single person but me... that's who.

Now my hubby is teaching me to game. And he's being about the sweetest and most patient person on the planet with me. The more we play the more he realized I truly didn't even have a starting clue so he breaks it down for me bit by bit as much as he can.

It's alot to try and remember and absorb... especially when I have ZERO hand/eye coordination... but I'm trying and having so much fun. It's a whole new experience for both of us. Me for never having done this... him for never having taught it. Especially from the basics. I think he enjoys it as much as I do... at least I hope so. 

We can just curl up, turn on some COD and take out zombies together.

I'm getting better. Trust me when I tell you I'm still NOT good... better than the first day... but better is not good just an improvement. But that isn't going to stop me from sharing this with my hubby. I may not be the best teammate for COD... but he's not complaining and we're having fun. 

And that, my friends, is how I became a gamer... ish person.

Or... at the very least... how I became my hubby's little late night zombie killer.

Steve ain't the only one recovering this week... this husband of mine.💜

I don't know what is out in the universe recently... but if it could quit kicking my husband's ass... I would greatly appreciate it.

The poor man has been getting over some kind of sinus disfunction for weeks now... we heard there was a pretty rough case of RSV going around... and while he never went to the doctor (because stubborn ass men)... the symptoms aren't not the same.

His eczema has been flaring up like you wouldn't believe. Eczema... psoriasis... one of those. It's been traveling up and down his arm from wrist to elbow and effectively driving him insane. Not only is it incredibly itchy, painful, and burns, but it also disrupts his tattoo ink and alters the way they look. And while that's not necessarily life altering, it is in fact inconvenient and disheartening. We found a lotion that's been providing him with some relief... but nothing works completely.

And finally... last night in the middle of us hanging out he stepped on a hair straightener (don't ask) which not only burned the underside of his foot (the middle of his foot looks like Marv's face from Home Alone) but also sent him careening into our entertainment center... bounced him off that into the table holding a fan... threw him back into the entertainment center... and shoved him forward to the ground... and then the fan fell on top of him.

What. The. Fuck. Dude?!!?!

His ass has been kicked left, right, and center... and quite honestly, I'm tired of it for him. He's a good man. Constantly taking care of our pups and doing everything he can for me to ensure I'm good. But no matter what we do for him, the universe just wants him to be gimped up in the process.

Hopefully, last night was the last injury for a LONG while. Sleeping last night was damned near impossible... he's in so much pain... and I'm sure he's feeling even shittier this morning. So... if y'all need us we'll be laid up in the house while I make him and the pups relax... and contemplate on wrapping him in bubble wrap.

I'm kidding. Sort of.

💕Keeping this little cutie on the lowdown is NOT for the faint of heart.💕

Things in the Glisson household were hectic this past weekend... and while it feels like we should be in the clear now... well... we ain't out of the woods yet.

Steve had her spay surgery on Friday and she came through it like a fuckin champ. And when I say it like that... I mean it. She has literally been a beast through this ordeal... resilient little shit. But... beast in a good way. For the most part. She's still her adorable little self but the problem is... she's also still her little rambunctious self. 

They gave us strict orders when we picked her up on Friday to make her get as much rest as possible and not to let her do anything too strenuous for the next two weeks. ESPECIALLY the first week. No jumping, stretching, running. Nothing.

HA.....Ha.....ha.....HAHAHAHAHAHA.....HA.....HA.....Ha.....

I don't mean to be sarcastic or anything... BUT... trying to get this little hellcat to be calm and not run around like a damned ole headless chicken is NOT exactly an easy task. Even if I was ten years younger I'm pretty sure I couldn't keep up with this little shithead... this has got to be what all those moms have been talking about. 

Daughters are NOT for the fuckin weak, dude.

She's been so turned up that Dev called the vet on Saturday and had to make a special run up there before they closed (ah... weekend hours) to get her something to calm her down. We gave her one pill... and I know it sounds insane... BUT... that shit had the opposite effect and jacked her to Jesus. She was running circles like a fuckin crackhead and it took FOREVER to get her to calm back down. Needless to say... she hasn't had any more of that one.

Nope. Just strictly pain meds (that she gets once day... first thing in the morning... and tomorrow is her last day)... the occasional benadryl... and hoping for the best. 

She's doing good as far as I can tell. We're trying to be as gentle as possible with her... carrying her outside and lifting her down from the bed and steps. We're trying to keep her as calm as possible... lowkey activities and lots of snuggles. Even her big brothers have been more gentle and caring towards her... and I hope it stays that way.

Basically, the only person who won't acknowledge that she had surgery recently is her. Dev likes to say she takes after her mother like that. He meant it as a joke... but also not really because accurate. I love that our pups are our legit kids and take on characteristics of me and my husband. It's a win/win for me and so damn hilarious.

And that's where we are. Trying to keep it lowkey and calm at the Glisson household. Easier said than done... but our babygirl is in recovery so we're doing our best. If you need us... well... we'll be at the house. (Or work... but mostly the house).

Hanging out, trying to make it in this economy, and snuggling puppies.

Is it just me... or... do we ALL feel more broke than usual right now? Don't get me wrong, I make decent money... more money than what my childhood could have ever dreamed of... nothing extravagant but enough to live comfortably. Everything should be great and I should be rolling in the dollars and taking extended weekend vacations... but like... shit be expensive.

And it's not just me... I've heard ALOT of people mention it recently. Seems like as soon as we get on a budget and get shit aligned... something's price increases... or something expensive breaks... or a random cost increase that no one saw coming or warned you about takes effect.

I don't want to ramble on about this... I just wanted to mention it. 

Mostly for the comfort of others... because they're new poor... but I'm old poor so if they need some pointers... I got you.

Aside from that... Dev's been sick for the last week. It doesn't seem to be the flu... it's all upper respiratory. He feels like shit and has a terrible cough but I think the new Tylenol we got seems to be helping. I hope so... poor guy is a trooper but I know he's been feeling like he was hit by a truck.

Steve officially had her last set of shots yesterday... and she's scheduled to be spayed... tomorrow. We didn't think she was gonna have surgery this soon... but the vet recommended we do it before her first heat cycle and they had an opening to get her in and offered it so here we are. 

We always planned on getting her spayed, we just didn't know how old she had to be and we wanted to be as safe as possible. Hence, the vet advice. The whole reason we're not letting her have a litter of pups is because if Steve has a litter of twelve... well... now me and Dev have fifteen dogs and we HAVE to keep them all. Because neither of us have self control. So... appointment for Steve. 

I'm nervous about it (she's my baby and it's surgery!) but we're hoping she can recover throughout the weekend and she'll feel better soon. Her brothers are definitely gonna be all up on her wanting to know what in the hell is happening. She's so damn rambunctious all the time, when she's in recovery they'll probably think it's apocalypse time.

Since Steve will be in recovery we'll be having a chill weekend at the house. It'll just be us and our babies... and I can't wait! Things are very different without my brother living with us... more on that some other time... but the strangest is the fact we're still trying to get used to not being on anyone else's schedule. It's only us in the house doing what we want at all times.

And if I don't want to leave the comfort of my critter hole... I don't!

Before that can happen though... there's preparing to be done (we should probably do all weekend errands tonight so we can just stay home with the Steve)... there's still one more work day to get through... Steve has her surgery... and then we'll be in recovery all weekend. And by we I do mean yes WE because the Glisson's do EVERYTHING together.

All for one... and one for all.

We should stay in our fortress more often.💜💜💜

I say that but honestly, we stay home ALOT so I can't really complain. But, I mean... you can't blame me... right? I'm SOOO content at our house when it's just Dev, our pups, and me. But this past weekend was my kind of situation.

Sure, it was thrown a bit off because my brother and his BM were packing up his stuff (almost there... just a little more to go!) but that didn't stop us from doing our thing. Although, I do wish Dev's head would've been feeling better on Saturday... everything was fine and we were one tattoo in and BAM... migraine. I don't know where it came from but I felt horrible for him.

Migraines are no joke and make me want to vomit... both for me and him.

Aside from that though, we cleaned house together... Dev cut the back yard... we made lots of nanner bread... did some laundry... got some snuggles in (my husband can literally cure my insomnia by holding me down and barely touching me)... and I am the proud new canvas of two more Glisson Simplistic Tattoos.

Aka... my smoking fine hubby put some new ink on me (and me wants more).

We talked to my brother about his new living arrangements and finally came to a conclusion for him on Friday night. Come Saturday... he put his foot down and his life is on the right track (I think). This is his last full week at our house (he has a few off days the weekend after next but if we get his place set up I doubt he'll want to be back) and then they'll be setting his new place up. We offered to help this weekend/next week after work if need be. I want him to do good and be happy... hopefully this is a good first step.

Aside from that... my babies are still the cutest little gremlins on the planet. Sparkles is all about extra snuggles with me lately and I have to admit, I f*cking love it. Xur is forever anxious but is so full of love and the fact he gets up with me in the mornings makes me all fuzzy inside. Steve is growing like a damn weed and is going to eat us out of house and home. She's adorable and keeps her big brothers on the edge.

Of glory or sanity... I'm not sure.

And now, here I am. Trying to make it through this Monday without a nap or any motivation. I would really appreciate crawling back into my snuggly bed, surrounded by my babies and maybe getting some nanner bread and some food to warm my belly... and maybe a little more ink.

Because I don't know why... since it's literally dead ass July... but my mood is very laid back fall already.

Four hours ain't enough... but it's better than nothing.💚

We got a nice little surprise yesterday... my mother and father in law showed up at the house! Who would've thought we'd run into a couple of Floridians in our neck of the woods? Apparently, they've been in Illinois the last few days and stopped by Indy on their way through for little ole us.

How sweet is that?! It was so good to get to see them and talk for awhile. I made supper (chili, per Dev's request!) and we all just hung around and caught up on the back porch.

Also, how cool is it that Dev and me are rearranging our lives and house to accommodate our ever-growing sense of selves?! 

Now... we can hang out on the back porch! Soon... living room!

Unfortunately, they were headed back South (like us, they're adults and have jobs and responsibilities- BOO!), so they couldn't stay for long (not even the night... they wanted to get on the road), but four hours is better than having to wait another two months... which is when we'll get to see them again (for Jelly!).

Side note: I don't know if they were really there for four hours or more or less... I am spitballing my best over here. I didn't feel the need to take meeting minutes or anything.

The four of us talked about any and every thing we could think of (and I love it).

We caught them up on the goings on in our lives... work is work, we're making life changes, the house is different (and will change again), Dev's tattoo career is kicking off... aside from the drama (that is NOT ours), life is good.

And they caught us up on theirs... work is work, they're changing the house and making it their own (and we're so happy for them!), they spent the weekend working Guy's family's 1852 family farm, and like us, people are bringing negativity into their lives that has no business being anywhere near them.

I mean, who doesn't love when the people you're surrounded with take advantage, manipulate, and guilt you into their way of life? Good times.

I'm not gonna lie though... we straight up tried to convince them to move up North. I don't even care if it's Indy or Illinois... but COME ON. Let my in-laws be three hours from me as opposed to fifteen. DO IT. Come to the dark side... we don't take shit from people and we live the lives we want regardless of other peoples opinions. You're gonna love it.

Our pups were so excited to see their grandparents and it was the first time they got to meet Steve. Xur and Sparkles were already turned up to level 147 and once their little sis joined in... all bets were off.

They even brought us a little keepsake from Guy's family farm... it's a hand painted shovel (beautiful) that has a little sign that reads, "thankful you should be." I don't know how old the piece is (probably very) but the fact I read it in Yoda's voice made me smile so damn hard. We love it and added it to our collection of sentimental objects (ie: Dev said I had another piece to add to my hoarding collection... but this one is special!).

So yeah... we were very excited and happy to see them... had a fantastic time hanging out and eating supper... tried to convince them to move North with us... laughed a shit ton... and were sad to watch them pull away. All in all, it was a nice little visit and I'm very happy, especially for Dev, that he got to see his mom and stepdad. We love them and want all the love and happiness for them that's possible.

But seriously, y'all... move up here with us. I'll help you make the chicken wings.

Oh, how the cookie crumbles and gets set the f*ck on fire.🔥🍪🔥

While I initially thought things were smooth(ish) with my brother... I couldn't have been more wrong.

We talked through everything and Dev and I thought we were good to go... time to make changes and figure things out and move forward. I say this, because while my brother stayed at our house all last week, he acted like everything was fine. Mostly stayed in his room... but came and went as he pleased, joked around about things we were watching on the tv... he showed us a couple of houses he was looking into renting... things were a bit awkward (from the intensity of last weekend), but it felt like we were all on the right track.

Him and his BM were supposed to be at the house around one on Saturday to start packing his things. Dev and I were tootling around the house, business as usual and an hour before he was supposed to be there... I got a call from one of our aunts. Informing me that me, her, and my brother needed to have a sit down talk about some things because he "talked to a lawyer" about steps to stay in my house and he wanted to discuss it. I wasn't mad at my aunt... but I was livid at my f*cking brother. 

Why? Because not only has he shown more effort in the last week to STAY in MY house than he has in the last DECADE to move back in with HER... he also felt the need to pull our aunt in to try and "mommy" the situation because it didn't go his way last time. I should've seen it coming... I really should've... it's what he always did when we were growing up. He didn't get his way with me, so he would go to mom and the three of us would have a "talk" which basically broke down to give Katie a bunch of shit until she breaks and gives in.

I was trying to be as respectful to my aunt as possible (because again, not upset with her), but also get off the phone with her asap because I was feeling real disrespectful to my brother and didn't want her to catch any of that by accident (I word vomit when I'm angry... anxious... excited).

Because when I tell you I couldn't control my emotions and lost my ever-loving shit on my brother, it is not a joke. I called him damn near immediately when I got off the phone with my aunt and when his BM answered instead if him, I got real loud real quick.

We ended up screaming and yelling and arguing over the phone and then in person when he showed up. I'm not proud to say it... nor am I proud of myself for the way I acted... but I threw a straight up, 100% tantrum. There is simply no other way to describe it. While I had validity in the argument and made rational points and did well... it was also about 50% of a tantrum that was otherworldly.

And I was this level of angry because I was just so baffled and overwhelmed. I have done everything I could possibly think of and then some for my brother. For my entire life... not just when we were kids... my entire life. I have watched out for him, been there, and provided. Got him out of shit he shouldn't have been in and into shit he should've. Always made sure he had a place to go, food to eat, and had every basic essential I could. While he was off galivanting and shacking up with who knows how many girls, I was at the house taking care of our mother and providing the home he could always run back to. There has never been one time in my life to where my brother needed something and I wasn't there.

So for him to essentially tell me I've never done anything and I'm the worst sister on the planet for telling him to move... fine. I know better and he's being petty. Whatevs. But then, for him to basically lie and manipulate other people and the situation so he can essentially invoke his squatters rights in my home while he's living there, instead of just being an adult and figuring his life out... yes, I lost my shit.

He tried to backtrack and lie his way out... he tried to guilt and shame me into changing my mind... and then he listed all the reasons I'm the worst. Like bro, you're living here and having your shit sent here strictly based off my kindness and loving nature as a favor.

And quite frankly, I hate saying shit like that. I really do. I don't like doing something for someone, whether they ask or I offer, and then turning around and throwing that shit back up in their face. It's ridiculous and mean and nasty and I f*cking hate it. I don't help people or do for people so I can get something back. All I want in return is a little decency and respect. But no, I was forced to bring myself down to a level of petty that made me completely sick at my stomach. And if I didn't have reason enough, this right here would be it.

I'll say it loud and clear so everyone can hear and no mistakes are made... I do NOT want to be the person I was raised to be... I WANT to be the person I am and feel is my true self. And I can't do that when someone is constantly taking me back through levels of my life I have no desire to repeat. I just can't do it. I don't like it, it's not me, and the fact he took it there feels highly disrespectful to me.

Finally, we talked it through and came to some form of conclusion... I think. Basically, my mind hasn't changed, he's looking for a place to move into, and we're trying to move forward from this clusterf*ck that's been this process. 

I don't know if things are good now. I really don't. I hope they are. I would really like to continue moving on with our lives and hopefully have a loving and peaceful relationship moving forward. That's what I want and we can have that, but only time will tell. I can't make someone be someone they're not and I can't change myself for anyone else because I'm tired of not being me.

So, here we are... wish me luck.

💕Nighttime cuddles with my Sparkles baby.💕

Sometimes you have to take the bad with the good to move forward. 💙

Here we are making changes in life... and it feels good and scary and sad and liberating.

The talk with my brother about him moving out went exactly how I predicted it would. His initial reaction was pure rage... complete with the threat looming over our heads... then transitioned into not speaking to me or my husband for almost two days... only mean mugging and side-eying... to talking shit about me and my house to my nephew and who knows who else... to showing up at the house come Sunday at one o'clock ready to talk about his next steps and where we all stood moving forward.

I feel like we could've just skipped all that first part and went right into the next steps and moving forward part... but then it wouldn't have been my brother so here we are.

My brother is in a... strange situation with his baby mama. I don't envy him in the slightest and actually have quite a bit of sympathy for the situation... especially given all the information I've recently come into. I don't know specifics, because again you never know someone else's life... but also, I think she's been mind-fucking my brother for the past decade.

Sunday was the first time we've actually all talked about the situation and put all of our cards on the table. We started at the very beginning and worked our way through everything and the only thing that doesn't add up... is her. Needless to say, her math ain't mathing and I'm tired of just nodding along and accepting bullshit excuses. 

2024 ain't no joke... and while we're making changes and not taking anybody's bullshit anymore... let's just put it all out there.

We talked through it all and by the end, I think my brother has at least a direction to follow. He's going to have to make changes and decisions for his and our nephew's lives... and he's going to have to put them first and deal with whatever situation comes his way. I know my decision has put him in this position, but it's also been a long time coming and running from your problems solves nothing.

I know... I tried... tried drinking excessively too... neither works.

But, I also know that he's strong and a good father and he can do what he needs and has to do. Whatever that looks like for him, Dev and me will have his back 100% because we love him unconditionally and that's how our family works... we love them.

I don't know what these new changes will bring and I don't know what life is going to look like in a couple months... but we're about to find out. I honestly think it will be a good change and may even bring us all closer together... but... only time will tell.

It's not like we haven't already been playing the game the last few weeks.

It's always weird when a holiday that I get off work falls in the middle of the week. For instance, Independence Day was this past Thursday so work Mon-Wed... off Thursday... back to work on Friday. I'm not complaining by any means, because yes, give me all the days off while still being employed... but it still feels weird and throws shit off. Luckily, Dani is awesome and let me do a halfsie day on Friday (hoorah for her).

People do it big around us for the 4th. We've spent the last three weeks or so playing our annual neighborhood game of "gunfire or fireworks?" and people are still ringing it out.

While Dev fell asleep Thursday... with Sparkles faithfully under the covers hiding from the boom-boom... I sat outside with Xur and Steve for a bit watching the firework show the city puts on (our house was surrounded by the bright lights). It was relaxing and I sat out watching lights and contemplating life.

We decided to do it right come Saturday though. We needed it.

Last week was a clusterf*ck of anxiety and the weekend entailed stress-induced debilitation, so come Saturday... the Glisson's needed a little pick me up. We loaded our three babies up and headed over to Mavis's for the afternoon/evening. I mean... nothing says feel better than hanging out with your bestie couple friends, right? That's what we're going with.

Mavis was kid-free for the night (a rarity in their lives) so we loaded up all our pups (and one of theirs) and we all headed down to Prairie Creek to watch the firework show. Nothing says good time quite like watching fireworks on the lake with your hubby and babies.

We had a great time and didn't even make it home until almost two in the morning... because we're wild and do what we want! Really though... it's cause Mavis lives SO far away. And yes, I'm being a little dramatic but damn, I want those bitches to live closer... like... can y'all just be my neighbors already?

And that's how we spent our Saturday... hanging out, helping Mavis move a couch and watching fireworks. Because nothing says good time like fire in the sky.

💜The two pitifulest little pitties in all the land.💜

I love being a pup mama. People love to say shit like, "you don't know what it's like to have kids... dogs aren't the same thing!"

And maybe I don't... and maybe they aren't... but the way a bitch would have to eat a f*cking curb for coming at one of my babies ain't no joke. I love my babies and whether you choose to believe it or think it's weird... I am their mama.

And they love and treat me as such. I mean... COME ON. Look at those faces. How anyone could look into the face of any of the three of our pups and not fall in love with them... something would have to be extremely wrong with said person.

SERIOUSLY, LOOK AT THIS. 😍😍

The anxiety of making changes and moving forward in life.

Life has a funny way of surprising me. Not just me, of course... I'm sure that extends to alot of people... but I can only speak for myself. I talk... ramble... alot about my mental health and the things going on in my life. No matter what I'm feeling, it's always been easier for me to put pen to paper (or in this case- fingers to keyboard) and get everything out there as opposed to actually voicing it.

I've touched on topics from everything... losing my mother, unresolved childhood trauma, generational tomfuckery, if you will. But, I've never actually said absolutely everything out loud... whether that be using my voice or writing it down. Sure, I let people in little by little... but do I really let them in?

I would like to say that I do in fact let people in... but I don't. It's easy to let thoughts be out in the universe when you don't know the people. I can say, do or feel anything I want and there's no one directly in front of me to hash out judgment or fear or crank my anxiety through the roof.

I've recently learned that I don't "let people in" because I was very much raised with the mindset, "mind your business." That didn't include other peoples lives, only my own. If it happens in your life, especially in your house, then you simply don't tell people because it's not "their business."

Ask me if I'm ok? I'm fine.

How are things going? They're fine.

Anything new happen recently? Nope. Things are fine.

Everything's fine... everything's' good... there's nothing to worry about.

Shit is fucking exhausting. And I should know, because I've been doing it for thirty-four years. It's exhausting trying to hide things you don't have to hide and probably shouldn't hide. It's exhausting worrying about not saying anything to anyone so they can't misconstrue and attack you.

It's taken me a very long time to come to terms with... I don't want to be like that. It's taken even longer for me to come to terms with the fact that every single person that asks me if I'm ok, isn't out to "get me" nor do they have an ulterior motive. Sometimes, people genuinely just do care about you and want to help... if you'll let them.

But other times... people will taken advantage of you as long as you let them.

It's all about balance and truly finding "your people." And sometimes "your people" aren't necessarily who you've been lead to believe. 

There are times you can know or live with someone your entire life... you could think those people would never hurt you or would have your back in a pinch... but they don't. Sometimes those people are quite literally out to get all they can get and they simply don't care where that leaves you. They feel entitled to take advantage of your compassion and love. Always taking, never giving and constantly manipulating.

I love my mother. Lord knows... with every fiber of my being and ounce of my soul. She was my best friend and the person I loved the most. I would have walked to the ends of the earth for her and her approval... no matter what it cost me. 

BUT, if you were to ask me if I agreed with everything my mother did... the answer would be no.

Do I truly believe she did the best she could and sacrificed and loved my brother and I unconditionally? Yes. But, do I also think my mother was a flawed human being with her own problems and demons? Also, yes. 

She wasn't perfect. She had a hard life and a myriad of issues that she never dealt with. Like I've said many times over the years, mental health was not something that necessarily was talked about unless it was on the hush hush. There were no groups or circles... no mainstream acceptance... usually when you had any issue someone would chalk it up to "bitches be crazy" and move along. They talk about you behind your back... but help? Nah. So yes, while I love my mother and wouldn't change taking care of her for the world... no, I don't agree with many things she did throughout my life.

It took me a really long time to come to terms with that. I felt extreme guilt for feeling those feelings... but they were my feelings and they weren't going anywhere, so I had to deal with them.

And that brings me to my brother.

My brother and I have a very complex relationship. Is complex the word I should use? Yeah... because fucked up isn't nice. So, I'll go with complex.

My brother is three and a half years older than me, but was born a preemie and was therefore, a little behind physically while we were growing up. He's all caught up now... almost forty, with a seven year old and high cholesterol.

Because of him being a preemie... people tended to baby him alot. Not like a normal, "he's the baby" kind of way... but in a "he can do whatever he wants with no consequences" kind of way. And I was raised to give into his every whim, fancy, and desire. As children and into adulthood. 

Bro needs a place to stay? Better move so we have more room. Bro doesn't have any money? Better get some cash out so he has something in his pocket. Bro spent all his money on games and candy? Better make sure you cook him something to eat. Bro decided he was mad and wanted to put his hands on you? It's fine, he probably apologized or felt bad about it later.

Nothing is ever his fault... he didn't do anything... people are out to get him... we all just don't know how hard it is to be him... everyone is against him... it's just SO hard being him.

Except, at this point in my life... I fuckin call bullshit.

Yes, he has been through many horrible things in his life. He has had to deal with trauma and hardship and pain... but so has everyone else. None of us are immune or exempt from it, it's a natural part of life. He's no longer that little preemie baby or small in stature kid that needs someone to hold his hand and look over his shoulder. He has a child of his own... and yet, he still feels the need to use me to his advantage. It's been like this my entire life and I realize it continues to be like this because no one has ever forced that change.

I was raised to put myself behind him and essentially give into whatever he wanted as long as he used the right set of manipulation and guilt on me. He was raised to not give a shit how his actions affect other people and to only think of himself. And while I love my mother very much... she did the raising.

And quite honestly, I'm tired of living by that set of guidelines. However selfish or horrible it may sound, I want for once in my life, to make all of my decisions for myself and determine what's going to make me happy. And I can't do that when someone is standing there constantly manipulating, using guilt, bringing up the past, and straight up trying to gaslight me.

I love my brother and he's not a bad person. I don't want anyone to think he is, because he's not. However, my brother treats me very differently than he treats other people. He's always had me to depend on, and fall back on, and essentially get his ass out of whatever situation he put himself in, because I was raised to believe I had to. That was my normal and how I thought things HAD to be. Because the few times I rebelled against that "code" throughout my life, it was always me that had to deal with the shame and repercussions.

Except, with all the things I've learned and have been trying to process for the last few years, I know now that it doesn't HAVE to be this way. It's still this way because I'm allowing it to be this way. And I feel... done.

Done with trying to be the people pleaser... done with putting everyone else before myself... done with worrying about if someone is going to judge me if I let them in a little... done with feeling I can't make changes and live the life I want to live for myself because I'm being weighed down by all consuming guilt.

Just... fuckin done, dude.

I've been having these thoughts and feeling restless for awhile now. I didn't know what it was or how I was feeling. But, I've been feeling something akin to a buzz throughout my entire body.

In the past, I've touched on how hard things were after momma passed away. My walls crumbled and my mind swirled. I, for lack of a better term, broke mentally. It was hard and devastating and there were days I honestly didn't know if I could come back from wherever that black hole was leading me. I worked hard... really hard... to pull myself out of that. And I would never have been able to do it without the support, understanding, compassion, and acceptance I received and continue to receive from my husband.

And when I tell you I absolutely never wanna go back there... that it scares me to go back there... I would be telling you the most honest truth that I have to offer. Having your mind work against you to the point you feel you won't ever get to the other side is fucking terrifying. I can't and I won't go back to that, because the next time I may not be so fortunate and be able to bring as much of myself back with me this time around.

So... changes. Changes need and have to be made. For me, my family, and my peace of mind.

But, changes are hard. And while I am completely ready to make those changes and willing to accept the consequences of my decisions, it's still hard. 

Hard to rewrite almost thirty-five years of being molded into a people-pleasing caregiver who puts everyone before herself. And yes, when that term was used to describe me I thought... fuckin ouch... but also, I felt completely understood and seen. And that feeling fucking sucked too. Because accurate... but also, now completely brought to my attention and I don't want it. I've known it for a very long time... and fuckin NO. No more.

I'm going to ask my brother to move out of our house. And by our house, I mean mine and my husbands. And by ask him to move I mean... it's not an option, you have to move, but I'm asking you to understand my reasoning.

I would like to have a loving, understanding, adult conversation about it. I really would and I would love for my brother to just accept it and move on and we could have a normal sibling relationship. Because I still want him in my life... just not constantly in my house. I would like him to understand that I'm not coming from a place of malice but from a need to have the freedom.

My brother has had the opportunity to live with his first wife, live with his second wife, live with his child, switch hit jobs, and couch hop. Because he knew at the end of the day if he really needed it, he could run home.

But, guess who was always providing that roof and stability? That's correct... I was. I was being an adult and making sure everyone was taken care of while making no decisions or changes for myself. And I'm done with it, it's time I start thinking for me and stop worrying about what everyone else is going to do. I'm responsible for me... my husband... our pups. Because that's my choice. MY choice.

I didn't think we would have to come here. I honestly thought my brother would see the situation we're in... I thought he would acknowledge all my sacrifices over the years... I thought he would want me to have the opportunities that I haven't been afforded in the past. I thought he would spend a couple more years at the house and then he would move out and Dev and me could go on with our married lives.

That's not what happened though. My brother has made it very clear that he not only has no intention of leaving, but he also doesn't care how rude, disrespectful, or ridiculous he is in the process.

And on this past Sunday... a switch flipped for me. I'm not going to do this anymore. If he has no intention of growing up, well, he's gonna have to not grow up somewhere else. Because he has options. My brother was supposed to live with me because he "needed" to. But he doesn't "need" to anymore. He does because it's convenient for him and he gets his way 24/7. And while that's all fine and dandy for him, it ain't fucking working for me anymore.

I'm going into my fourth year of marriage and thirty-fifth year of life and have never got to live with my husband completely on our own. Never once did my brother even think that I may need to or want to make changes to better my life. He only thought of himself. And I figure, if he's always thinking about only himself... maybe I should start thinking and doing for myself too. He doesn't care how his decisions affect me because it's his life... so... samesies, bro.

So yes, while I would like to have an understanding conversation about this, I also know my brother. And my brother has a history, specifically with me, to become extremely volatile when he doesn't get his way. And he certainly isn't going to like this. Honestly, because of that, my mind is working every angle and playing every scenario in my head through and it's driving me crazy. 

Because I know no matter what his reaction is, or what the consequences of those actions are, my mind is made up and I'm standing my ground. I'm not going to be that person anymore. I'm going to be the person I want to be, and try things I've never been able to try, and make decisions for my life without thinking about if someone else will be ok with them.

Perhaps that makes me selfish or a horrible human being, but... I think... if that's what you really think... I can live with that too.

🩷I said what I said and I meant every word.🩷

Today, I read something on social media that I actually agreed with. Doesn't happen very often because people tend to be the f*cking worst... but this time... shit stuck. Because accurate and f*cking same, dude.

"I’ll forever be a husband's girl.

When I'm sad, I want my husband. If I'm anxious, I need him next to me. Stressed out - he’s my calm. If I'm sick, he's the one taking care of me. Proud moment to celebrate - he's my #1 cheerleader. Just heard hot gossip - he's the first one I run to with all the tea.

He’s my bestfriend, my security blanket, and my home. I will never not need him by my side." -Sahra King

And it's true... no matter where I am in life, no matter what I'm doing... I need my husband. Not because I can't do it on my own... but because he ensures that I never have to again. And that my friends, is something you can't buy.

You literally have to be fortunate enough to find your person to have it.