Life has a funny way of surprising me. Not just me, of course... I'm sure that extends to alot of people... but I can only speak for myself. I talk... ramble... alot about my mental health and the things going on in my life. No matter what I'm feeling, it's always been easier for me to put pen to paper (or in this case- fingers to keyboard) and get everything out there as opposed to actually voicing it.
I've touched on topics from everything... losing my mother, unresolved childhood trauma, generational tomfuckery, if you will. But, I've never actually said absolutely everything out loud... whether that be using my voice or writing it down. Sure, I let people in little by little... but do I really let them in?
I would like to say that I do in fact let people in... but I don't. It's easy to let thoughts be out in the universe when you don't know the people. I can say, do or feel anything I want and there's no one directly in front of me to hash out judgment or fear or crank my anxiety through the roof.
I've recently learned that I don't "let people in" because I was very much raised with the mindset, "mind your business." That didn't include other peoples lives, only my own. If it happens in your life, especially in your house, then you simply don't tell people because it's not "their business."
Ask me if I'm ok? I'm fine.
How are things going? They're fine.
Anything new happen recently? Nope. Things are fine.
Everything's fine... everything's' good... there's nothing to worry about.
Shit is fucking exhausting. And I should know, because I've been doing it for thirty-four years. It's exhausting trying to hide things you don't have to hide and probably shouldn't hide. It's exhausting worrying about not saying anything to anyone so they can't misconstrue and attack you.
It's taken me a very long time to come to terms with... I don't want to be like that. It's taken even longer for me to come to terms with the fact that every single person that asks me if I'm ok, isn't out to "get me" nor do they have an ulterior motive. Sometimes, people genuinely just do care about you and want to help... if you'll let them.
But other times... people will taken advantage of you as long as you let them.
It's all about balance and truly finding "your people." And sometimes "your people" aren't necessarily who you've been lead to believe.
There are times you can know or live with someone your entire life... you could think those people would never hurt you or would have your back in a pinch... but they don't. Sometimes those people are quite literally out to get all they can get and they simply don't care where that leaves you. They feel entitled to take advantage of your compassion and love. Always taking, never giving and constantly manipulating.
I love my mother. Lord knows... with every fiber of my being and ounce of my soul. She was my best friend and the person I loved the most. I would have walked to the ends of the earth for her and her approval... no matter what it cost me.
BUT, if you were to ask me if I agreed with everything my mother did... the answer would be no.
Do I truly believe she did the best she could and sacrificed and loved my brother and I unconditionally? Yes. But, do I also think my mother was a flawed human being with her own problems and demons? Also, yes.
She wasn't perfect. She had a hard life and a myriad of issues that she never dealt with. Like I've said many times over the years, mental health was not something that necessarily was talked about unless it was on the hush hush. There were no groups or circles... no mainstream acceptance... usually when you had any issue someone would chalk it up to "bitches be crazy" and move along. They talk about you behind your back... but help? Nah. So yes, while I love my mother and wouldn't change taking care of her for the world... no, I don't agree with many things she did throughout my life.
It took me a really long time to come to terms with that. I felt extreme guilt for feeling those feelings... but they were my feelings and they weren't going anywhere, so I had to deal with them.
And that brings me to my brother.
My brother and I have a very complex relationship. Is complex the word I should use? Yeah... because fucked up isn't nice. So, I'll go with complex.
My brother is three and a half years older than me, but was born a preemie and was therefore, a little behind physically while we were growing up. He's all caught up now... almost forty, with a seven year old and high cholesterol.
Because of him being a preemie... people tended to baby him alot. Not like a normal, "he's the baby" kind of way... but in a "he can do whatever he wants with no consequences" kind of way. And I was raised to give into his every whim, fancy, and desire. As children and into adulthood.
Bro needs a place to stay? Better move so we have more room. Bro doesn't have any money? Better get some cash out so he has something in his pocket. Bro spent all his money on games and candy? Better make sure you cook him something to eat. Bro decided he was mad and wanted to put his hands on you? It's fine, he probably apologized or felt bad about it later.
Nothing is ever his fault... he didn't do anything... people are out to get him... we all just don't know how hard it is to be him... everyone is against him... it's just SO hard being him.
Except, at this point in my life... I fuckin call bullshit.
Yes, he has been through many horrible things in his life. He has had to deal with trauma and hardship and pain... but so has everyone else. None of us are immune or exempt from it, it's a natural part of life. He's no longer that little preemie baby or small in stature kid that needs someone to hold his hand and look over his shoulder. He has a child of his own... and yet, he still feels the need to use me to his advantage. It's been like this my entire life and I realize it continues to be like this because no one has ever forced that change.
I was raised to put myself behind him and essentially give into whatever he wanted as long as he used the right set of manipulation and guilt on me. He was raised to not give a shit how his actions affect other people and to only think of himself. And while I love my mother very much... she did the raising.
And quite honestly, I'm tired of living by that set of guidelines. However selfish or horrible it may sound, I want for once in my life, to make all of my decisions for myself and determine what's going to make me happy. And I can't do that when someone is standing there constantly manipulating, using guilt, bringing up the past, and straight up trying to gaslight me.
I love my brother and he's not a bad person. I don't want anyone to think he is, because he's not. However, my brother treats me very differently than he treats other people. He's always had me to depend on, and fall back on, and essentially get his ass out of whatever situation he put himself in, because I was raised to believe I had to. That was my normal and how I thought things HAD to be. Because the few times I rebelled against that "code" throughout my life, it was always me that had to deal with the shame and repercussions.
Except, with all the things I've learned and have been trying to process for the last few years, I know now that it doesn't HAVE to be this way. It's still this way because I'm allowing it to be this way. And I feel... done.
Done with trying to be the people pleaser... done with putting everyone else before myself... done with worrying about if someone is going to judge me if I let them in a little... done with feeling I can't make changes and live the life I want to live for myself because I'm being weighed down by all consuming guilt.
Just... fuckin done, dude.
I've been having these thoughts and feeling restless for awhile now. I didn't know what it was or how I was feeling. But, I've been feeling something akin to a buzz throughout my entire body.
In the past, I've touched on how hard things were after momma passed away. My walls crumbled and my mind swirled. I, for lack of a better term, broke mentally. It was hard and devastating and there were days I honestly didn't know if I could come back from wherever that black hole was leading me. I worked hard... really hard... to pull myself out of that. And I would never have been able to do it without the support, understanding, compassion, and acceptance I received and continue to receive from my husband.
And when I tell you I absolutely never wanna go back there... that it scares me to go back there... I would be telling you the most honest truth that I have to offer. Having your mind work against you to the point you feel you won't ever get to the other side is fucking terrifying. I can't and I won't go back to that, because the next time I may not be so fortunate and be able to bring as much of myself back with me this time around.
So... changes. Changes need and have to be made. For me, my family, and my peace of mind.
But, changes are hard. And while I am completely ready to make those changes and willing to accept the consequences of my decisions, it's still hard.
Hard to rewrite almost thirty-five years of being molded into a people-pleasing caregiver who puts everyone before herself. And yes, when that term was used to describe me I thought... fuckin ouch... but also, I felt completely understood and seen. And that feeling fucking sucked too. Because accurate... but also, now completely brought to my attention and I don't want it. I've known it for a very long time... and fuckin NO. No more.
I'm going to ask my brother to move out of our house. And by our house, I mean mine and my husbands. And by ask him to move I mean... it's not an option, you have to move, but I'm asking you to understand my reasoning.
I would like to have a loving, understanding, adult conversation about it. I really would and I would love for my brother to just accept it and move on and we could have a normal sibling relationship. Because I still want him in my life... just not constantly in my house. I would like him to understand that I'm not coming from a place of malice but from a need to have the freedom.
My brother has had the opportunity to live with his first wife, live with his second wife, live with his child, switch hit jobs, and couch hop. Because he knew at the end of the day if he really needed it, he could run home.
But, guess who was always providing that roof and stability? That's correct... I was. I was being an adult and making sure everyone was taken care of while making no decisions or changes for myself. And I'm done with it, it's time I start thinking for me and stop worrying about what everyone else is going to do. I'm responsible for me... my husband... our pups. Because that's my choice. MY choice.
I didn't think we would have to come here. I honestly thought my brother would see the situation we're in... I thought he would acknowledge all my sacrifices over the years... I thought he would want me to have the opportunities that I haven't been afforded in the past. I thought he would spend a couple more years at the house and then he would move out and Dev and me could go on with our married lives.
That's not what happened though. My brother has made it very clear that he not only has no intention of leaving, but he also doesn't care how rude, disrespectful, or ridiculous he is in the process.
And on this past Sunday... a switch flipped for me. I'm not going to do this anymore. If he has no intention of growing up, well, he's gonna have to not grow up somewhere else. Because he has options. My brother was supposed to live with me because he "needed" to. But he doesn't "need" to anymore. He does because it's convenient for him and he gets his way 24/7. And while that's all fine and dandy for him, it ain't fucking working for me anymore.
I'm going into my fourth year of marriage and thirty-fifth year of life and have never got to live with my husband completely on our own. Never once did my brother even think that I may need to or want to make changes to better my life. He only thought of himself. And I figure, if he's always thinking about only himself... maybe I should start thinking and doing for myself too. He doesn't care how his decisions affect me because it's his life... so... samesies, bro.
So yes, while I would like to have an understanding conversation about this, I also know my brother. And my brother has a history, specifically with me, to become extremely volatile when he doesn't get his way. And he certainly isn't going to like this. Honestly, because of that, my mind is working every angle and playing every scenario in my head through and it's driving me crazy.
Because I know no matter what his reaction is, or what the consequences of those actions are, my mind is made up and I'm standing my ground. I'm not going to be that person anymore. I'm going to be the person I want to be, and try things I've never been able to try, and make decisions for my life without thinking about if someone else will be ok with them.
Perhaps that makes me selfish or a horrible human being, but... I think... if that's what you really think... I can live with that too.
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