Continuously trying.... and maybe getting some help along the way.

I've been having a real struggle ever since losing Momma. And it seems that no matter how hard I try, I just can't seem to get over the hump. At least, that's what people are calling it, both to me and when they talk about me in general.

I'll be fine one minute and ridiculous the next. Actually, fine wouldn't be the word I would use. Fine would imply that at some point I'm ok and if I'm being completely honest, I never have any of those moments. My moments now consist of crying and being able to hold it in. That's where I am.

My sleeping schedule is a joke, I'm still getting random pains everywhere for no reason, I usually can't stop the tears, exhaustion is a revolving door that I can't seem to step out of, and I can't get out of my own head no matter how hard I try.

It's been like this since it's happened. And not to sound cynical or like I'm the only person that's ever been through a hard time (I am most definitely not), but it just feels like.... I don't even know what it feels like. I've never felt it, so I don't have anything to compare it to. If there even is anything to compare it to. If I had to choose a word, I would probably go with overwhelming.

But, I went to the doctor this past Wednesday. And I love my doctor. I trust her implicitly and she listens without judgment. She also knew Momma.

We talked for awhile and then she had me take some kind of test, and while I'm not really sure what the name of it is, the directions were simple. Don't think about your answers, just write down the first thing that comes into your mind. Apparently when you're graded on this you can get a 0-27, but the higher it goes the more of a problem there may be? I'm at a 25.

With that being said, she thinks I need to start taking a low mg antidepressant. I've never taken anything like that before and didn't really think about it until she mentioned it. But, as I said, I trust her and she's not the kind of doctor that just tries to throw medicine down your throat. She only prescribes medicine when she legitimately feels like you need it and that it will help. So, I agreed to try it out.

(She also took eight tubes of blood and did my pap, so the entire appointment took about 2.5 hours. And I was thoroughly exhausted by the time I got home and all of yesterday.... and still am today.)

I started taking Lexapro (well, the generic version of it that's too absurd to pronounce) on Wednesday evening (she wanted me to start asap) and I go back in August for a follow up to assess where I am with it. It's also supposed to help me with sleeping, but not yet. In all fairness though, I've only taken it twice and I'm assuming it needs more time to enter my body and try to do something about any of it.

So, that's where I am with it. Struggling and crying and feeling dizzy and completely unsure and exhausted. But, trying.

It has been a llloooonnnnngggggg week and I'm ready for some "rest."

Getting up at 5:20am is never fun (hello, Mon-Fri life).... but getting to wake up next to these cuties is always the best.

Allergy season is upon us and it has (so far) hit Tayder the worst.

Tayder is allergic to grass (yes, my dog is allergic to grass and it’s weird MOVING ON), and breaks out every year around this time. This year has been especially irritating for him and it’s gotten to the point where he had to have a haircut so he could be properly cleaned/medicated. 

And now, he keeps mean-mugging me like shaving his butt and putting medicine on it is a fun time in my book. 

My thoughts on the first season of Outlander. (Part I).

I was first introduced to the Diana Gabaldon book series "Outlander" when I was a senior in high school. My English Honors teacher (whom I adored) decided with the topics I chose to discuss/write about and the books I chose to report on that this might peak my interest.

And she wasn't wrong. Within the first couple of days of her telling me that I should definitely pick up "at least the first" in the series I had my boyfriend (yes, the one that is my fiance now.... it still sounds weird to say fiance, by the way) take me to my favorite used book store (where you could buy books for cash, but also trade in others for credit and gain credit for purchase as well) to hunt it down.

I not only read the 640 page novel within three days (while also keeping up with my actual school work, taking care of Momma/the house, and waitressing), but my teacher was very pleased that it was the next book that I had chosen as discussion for my writing/reporting in her class and appreciated my input on it.

She had informed me that this series wasn't necessarily for everyone, but she knew that I would be in a sort of awe over it. And again, she wasn't wrong.

There are currently eight books in the series (with a ninth forthcoming) and I own them all. I hunted them down over the years (they were harder to get your hands on when you didn't know how to buy things online and didn't live around a major bookstore/were kind of poor), and when Momma and I decided to move from FL to TN we drove a giant box truck (with my brother and Grammy following behind in our van) I even read the book out loud to her. Considering that our radio was broken and we only had so many entertainment options for that long ass trip, she was pretty happy about it.

I heard rumors back in 2013 that they were thinking about adapting these novels into a tv series, so not only did I decide to re-read the first one, I also started following along to see if they were in fact going through with it. Sure enough, by 2014, it was a thing and people were going INSANE throughout the entire process.

But, it wasn't a thing that I got to participate in, because the series was on STARZ and my budget does not allow for such extravagant cable options. And it went on like this for a few years, with me reading here and there about the going ons with the show, but not watching. And then, a few weeks ago they decided to add the first two seasons of the series to Netflix and once I found out, it was added to my queue.

I'm about halfway through the first season (episode eight, I think?) and I have to say so far, I like it.

It stays pretty close to the source material, with a few minor changes here and there, and to say that Murtagh is my favorite would be an understatement.

But, I also knew going in that there were going to be difficult moments to watch. There were certainly exasperating and gruesome parts to get through in the novels, and I assumed if they wanted to make the show anything like them, there were definitely going to be some parts that made me squirm.

Case in point: the scene where Black Jack flogs Jamie on his already mutilated back. This was a hard one to read, because you try not to, but can't help but to imagine what something like that would look like. But then, you see it happening in a scene that felt never ending and it's truly grotesque. It's just incredibly difficult to imagine that someone could be that sadistic and not only do something so horrible, but actually enjoy it. It's just real hard to get through.

Also hard to get through? All the raping and attempted raping. I don't know about you, but I've never been able to watch a rape scene and get through it without turning away or having to fast forward through it. I know it happens and I know it was extremely prominent back in the day, but watching something like that is just not easy and I can't get past the uncomfortableness and wrangle in my feelings about it. And it's not just like that with this show, but all shows/movies where it happens.

But, with the bad (hopefully/usually) comes the good and there's a lot to be said about it so far. Sure, Claire is being held against her will at the castle and with the clan, but honestly, things do not go well for her when she's on her own and while she doesn't necessarily "need a man" to get through this, it's nice to know that many of them have come to love and care for her. And then.... there's Jamie Fraser. Enough said.

I've always been fascinated with history and especially the 1940s/1700s, so the fact that this show takes place in both is both exciting and welcomed. Like I said, I'm only about half way through season one, but it's starting to really pick up the pace (there was a lot of setup that had to be done) and while Claire still insists on saying "Craigh na Dun" on occasion, at least it's not every fourteen seconds. (Praise it!!)

So, for now, I think I'm going to keep going with it. I even got D kind of into it and he's watched almost as much as I have.

You got to know when to hold 'em.... know when to fold 'em.

*while standing in line to buy a soda on my lunch break*

Cashier at gas station: “Do you wanna buy a couple lottery tickets?”
Man in line in front of me: “No, I’ve already lost two houses, three cars, thousands of dollars, and my dog.”
Cashier: “Oh my! All from gambling?!”
Man: “No.... from my two ex wives. Why would I want to gamble again?”
Me: 🤣🤣🤣

I'm trying.... but mostly struggling.

Y'all, it's been a ridiculous year and I don't foresee it getting any better. In all honesty, 2019 can go f*ck itself. And I truly mean that from the deepest part of my soul.

The hardest thing that has happened, and has ever happened is losing Momma. I know it's hard on everyone, and I get that. I truthfully do. But.... I don't know, there's something different about this. I'm not saying that my grief is larger than anyone else's, but I have just never been on this level. Never, in my entire life.

I've done a lot of hard things. I've had to make tough decisions and no matter the situation or outcome I've managed to pull through it, for better or worse. But.... I always had Momma right there to back me. Never one time did I ever falter and not know she was there. She always has been. Now though, I don't know what to do.

I was going to have a "Celebration of Life" for her on 6/22 and I thought that may help, but I was more dreading it than looking forward to it. I know it's something that people think needs to be done for her, and for our family, and maybe even for me, but it's overwhelming and like most things these days, just makes me want to cry. In all honesty, I made the decision to cancel it. Momma didn't want anything like that in the first place and I think she would want me to do what I feel.

And I know that this looks like I'm doing nothing but complaining, and I get that. Hell, it even sounds that way to me, but I don't know how else to say it. I don't sleep, my meal eating is all over the place, smiling is getting harder to fake, and everything gets to me. All of it. It doesn't even have to be bad and it somehow still gets to me.

Getting out of bed is getting harder, brushing my hair and teeth seems like a never ending chore, cleaning my house annoys me, concentrating at work is becoming more difficult, and doing yard work makes me want to collapse. There is literally not one single "task" that I can "complete" without being overwhelmed and exhausted. Even my f*cking body is against me and has all these random issues and painful spots. What's causing the pain? I have no clue, your guess is as good as mine.

So yeah, I'm trying. I've been trying. But, I'm mostly struggling.... and I think on some level, possibly even failing.

I exasperate Tayder most days.... but for some reason, he still deals with me.

“I’m real tired, mom.... can you like.... just not?!” -Tayder, most days, but especially today ❤️

(And yes, my little baby has cataracts, he's eighteen!)