Saturday, May 30, 2020
Thursday, May 21, 2020
Trying to plan a wedding is exhausting.
Who knew planning a wedding was so difficult? You know, aside from the millions of people that have already done it or in the process. Our wedding is going to be small, so I can't even imagine how people who have big lavish weddings do it. Including my cousin, Dani.
I'm going out to Aunt Susi's on Saturday morning and she's going to help me make a checklist and figure some stuff out.... and I get to try on my dress. **shh!!** Hopefully, this will make things a little easier and I can get my big butt into the dress I chose. **fingers crossed**
I think I've gotten quite a bit settled on and then I think, there's a million other things that need to be decided on and get. How does one with anxiety find her way through this clusterf*ck?! Asking for a friend.
The things I have accomplished are: the dress (hopefully), the invitations (so... date/time/actual invite) even though I haven't mailed them out yet, Maid of Honor, Best Man, who's walking me down the aisle, Officiant, guest list, flower girl/boy. I know I want my pups in it (handled by the MOH, BM, & my brother) and I know what I want people to be seated on (hay bales).
Aunt Poot is currently looking into borrowing some tables and a big tent in case it rains.
The things I still have to accomplish are: making sure the dress fits, send out the invitations, the cake, the food (I think we're going to make the food, but I'm told I should definitely order a cake), the music (I think I might have a lead on that, but I'm not 100% sure so it's still on the list), telling my MOH what color of dress to get, decorations, colors, D's suit, what BM and my brother are going to wear, and chairs.
I'm sure there are many other things that I'm forgetting, but that's why Aunt Susi is going to help me with that list. She's planned or helped plan quite a few weddings, so she knows what's up.
Aside from that, the only "tradition" that D and I have decided to adhere to is the one of him not seeing my dress or me in it until the actual wedding day. We decided there were too many superstitions (which is hilarious considering I'm a very superstitious person) and we know who we are and what we want, so there will be none of that "no seeing before the wedding" and "certain time of day" nonsense. He's just not allowed to see the dress/ me in it until I walk down that aisle.
Also, I asked D who all he wanted me to invite on his side and he told me that to make it easier on myself to just invite everybody on Facebook and be done with it.
What. The. F*ck?!!?! 😂
Monday, May 18, 2020
I'm very confused and want to go back to my couch with my pups.
Today is the first day back to work in a "normal(ish)" setting. I've been coming into the office a couple days a week and then working from home all other days. This morning began the first full week back and to say I'm upset about having to wear adult pants would be an understatement.
I also find myself wanting to do all of the things that I should have been doing while my bitch ass was in quarantine. I want to declutter my house and clean everything by hand from top to bottom. I'm talking wiping down walls and getting into the corners of my floors. Pulling every piece of furniture and appliance out and really getting in there.
#ICleanedWithBleachBeforeItWasCool
My laundry is piled up and needs to be handled. My kitchen has glasses in the sink that need to be washed. The refrigerator needs to be cleaned out. The entire house needs to be decluttered and organized. Frankly, D wants to build a platform in the living room for the bed (yes, we have a bed in our living room and no I will not change it) and slide the couch under it and I'm about to let him so that I can have more room in the living room.
I want to do all of this and so far all I've accomplished was our bathroom and half of the back bedroom. Frankly, living with two boys and three pups makes keeping things clean a nightmare. Who knew they could all be so messy and very much on the train of "that's your problem!" My brother especially complains about the house and yard being messy and then does absolutely nothing to help clean or make life easier. Hooray, for entitled big brothers that leave f*cking toothpaste in the sink and try to make you feel bad 24/7!
Basically what I'm saying is, my house is always a disaster zone and while I'm sure it doesn't help my anxiety, I also don't have the will to do anything about it the majority of the time. I find myself always incredibly tired, but unable to sleep. I feel judgment even when it might not be there (even though it's definitely always there from my brother). And, my mind is always running about one hundred fifty miles per minute.
Side note: how lazy would it be for me to hire someone to do all of my yard work for me? Also, would I even care how lazy it was as long as it was all done and I wasn't the one that had to do it?
One of these days I will get everything accomplished that I want and need to, but I'm going to just have to do it on my own time and try my best to ignore all of the negativity and judgment. I used to be incredibly versed in tuning people out, and honestly, I think I'm going to have to just pick that habit back up. If for nothing else, my own peace of mind and sanity.
You know, before someone ends up becoming my costar on an episode of Snapped.
Other than that, things seem to be going ok. You know, other than the insomnia, anxiety, panic attacks, and impending nervous breakdown. My pups are forever my saving grace and D tends to be on my side and doesn't judge me for the days I can't seem to pull my chunky little ass off of the couch. Or at the very least, he doesn't voice or show his judgment.
I'm just trying to get back into the swing of things, coming out of a quarantined life (has time always moved this slow?), and babbling about any and everything that comes to my mind. Which to be honest, is a plethora of wtf?!
In other news, it's been raining for over 24 hours and I had to wade through water to get into my car this morning, because our road is completely flooded. And with all this rain, I would much rather be at home cleaning and curled up with my pups watching tv. Which is nothing new, considering that's what I always want to do. And I now refuse to feel bad for that.
I also find myself wanting to do all of the things that I should have been doing while my bitch ass was in quarantine. I want to declutter my house and clean everything by hand from top to bottom. I'm talking wiping down walls and getting into the corners of my floors. Pulling every piece of furniture and appliance out and really getting in there.
#ICleanedWithBleachBeforeItWasCool
My laundry is piled up and needs to be handled. My kitchen has glasses in the sink that need to be washed. The refrigerator needs to be cleaned out. The entire house needs to be decluttered and organized. Frankly, D wants to build a platform in the living room for the bed (yes, we have a bed in our living room and no I will not change it) and slide the couch under it and I'm about to let him so that I can have more room in the living room.
I want to do all of this and so far all I've accomplished was our bathroom and half of the back bedroom. Frankly, living with two boys and three pups makes keeping things clean a nightmare. Who knew they could all be so messy and very much on the train of "that's your problem!" My brother especially complains about the house and yard being messy and then does absolutely nothing to help clean or make life easier. Hooray, for entitled big brothers that leave f*cking toothpaste in the sink and try to make you feel bad 24/7!
Basically what I'm saying is, my house is always a disaster zone and while I'm sure it doesn't help my anxiety, I also don't have the will to do anything about it the majority of the time. I find myself always incredibly tired, but unable to sleep. I feel judgment even when it might not be there (even though it's definitely always there from my brother). And, my mind is always running about one hundred fifty miles per minute.
Side note: how lazy would it be for me to hire someone to do all of my yard work for me? Also, would I even care how lazy it was as long as it was all done and I wasn't the one that had to do it?
One of these days I will get everything accomplished that I want and need to, but I'm going to just have to do it on my own time and try my best to ignore all of the negativity and judgment. I used to be incredibly versed in tuning people out, and honestly, I think I'm going to have to just pick that habit back up. If for nothing else, my own peace of mind and sanity.
You know, before someone ends up becoming my costar on an episode of Snapped.
Other than that, things seem to be going ok. You know, other than the insomnia, anxiety, panic attacks, and impending nervous breakdown. My pups are forever my saving grace and D tends to be on my side and doesn't judge me for the days I can't seem to pull my chunky little ass off of the couch. Or at the very least, he doesn't voice or show his judgment.
I'm just trying to get back into the swing of things, coming out of a quarantined life (has time always moved this slow?), and babbling about any and everything that comes to my mind. Which to be honest, is a plethora of wtf?!
In other news, it's been raining for over 24 hours and I had to wade through water to get into my car this morning, because our road is completely flooded. And with all this rain, I would much rather be at home cleaning and curled up with my pups watching tv. Which is nothing new, considering that's what I always want to do. And I now refuse to feel bad for that.
Sunday, May 10, 2020
Mother's Day without your mom is a tough pill to swallow.
Today is Mother's Day, and the second one without Momma being here with me.
I would be lying if I said I didn't have a rough day and I've been a little extra emotional and sad the last few days. Mostly, I feel overwhelmed and exhausted and have spent the majority of my time on the couch watching tv, eating fruit roll ups, surrounded by my pups. It may not be the healthiest coping mechanism, but we all do what we gotta do.
While people tell you that time heals all wounds, I believe that this one will forever be open and bleeding for me. It may become easier to live with over time (though, it feels highly doubtful), but I don't think this sadness or emptiness will ever truly be gone.
But, here I stand. Trying against all odds, doing what I do best. Being my Momma's daughter.
I would be lying if I said I didn't have a rough day and I've been a little extra emotional and sad the last few days. Mostly, I feel overwhelmed and exhausted and have spent the majority of my time on the couch watching tv, eating fruit roll ups, surrounded by my pups. It may not be the healthiest coping mechanism, but we all do what we gotta do.
While people tell you that time heals all wounds, I believe that this one will forever be open and bleeding for me. It may become easier to live with over time (though, it feels highly doubtful), but I don't think this sadness or emptiness will ever truly be gone.
But, here I stand. Trying against all odds, doing what I do best. Being my Momma's daughter.
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