Monday, May 18, 2020

I'm very confused and want to go back to my couch with my pups.

Today is the first day back to work in a "normal(ish)" setting. I've been coming into the office a couple days a week and then working from home all other days. This morning began the first full week back and to say I'm upset about having to wear adult pants would be an understatement.

I also find myself wanting to do all of the things that I should have been doing while my bitch ass was in quarantine. I want to declutter my house and clean everything by hand from top to bottom. I'm talking wiping down walls and getting into the corners of my floors. Pulling every piece of furniture and appliance out and really getting in there.

#ICleanedWithBleachBeforeItWasCool


My laundry is piled up and needs to be handled. My kitchen has glasses in the sink that need to be washed. The refrigerator needs to be cleaned out. The entire house needs to be decluttered and organized. Frankly, D wants to build a platform in the living room for the bed (yes, we have a bed in our living room and no I will not change it) and slide the couch under it and I'm about to let him so that I can have more room in the living room.

I want to do all of this and so far all I've accomplished was our bathroom and half of the back bedroom. Frankly, living with two boys and three pups makes keeping things clean a nightmare. Who knew they could all be so messy and very much on the train of "that's your problem!" My brother especially complains about the house and yard being messy and then does absolutely nothing to help clean or make life easier. Hooray, for entitled big brothers that leave f*cking toothpaste in the sink and try to make you feel bad 24/7!

Basically what I'm saying is, my house is always a disaster zone and while I'm sure it doesn't help my anxiety, I also don't have the will to do anything about it the majority of the time. I find myself always incredibly tired, but unable to sleep. I feel judgment even when it might not be there (even though it's definitely always there from my brother). And, my mind is always running about one hundred fifty miles per minute.

Side note: how lazy would it be for me to hire someone to do all of my yard work for me? Also, would I even care how lazy it was as long as it was all done and I wasn't the one that had to do it?

One of these days I will get everything accomplished that I want and need to, but I'm going to just have to do it on my own time and try my best to ignore all of the negativity and judgment. I used to be incredibly versed in tuning people out, and honestly, I think I'm going to have to just pick that habit back up. If for nothing else, my own peace of mind and sanity.

You know, before someone ends up becoming my costar on an episode of Snapped.

Other than that, things seem to be going ok. You know, other than the insomnia, anxiety, panic attacks, and impending nervous breakdown. My pups are forever my saving grace and D tends to be on my side and doesn't judge me for the days I can't seem to pull my chunky little ass off of the couch. Or at the very least, he doesn't voice or show his judgment.

I'm just trying to get back into the swing of things, coming out of a quarantined life (has time always moved this slow?), and babbling about any and everything that comes to my mind. Which to be honest, is a plethora of wtf?!

In other news, it's been raining for over 24 hours and I had to wade through water to get into my car this morning, because our road is completely flooded. And with all this rain, I would much rather be at home cleaning and curled up with my pups watching tv. Which is nothing new, considering that's what I always want to do. And I now refuse to feel bad for that.

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